bevybaby Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Hello, all you tough OW, Day 4 & I am feeling the pangs...I want to call him! In all honesty I am not sure why. A little background history... It was an intense four month, EA with a little PA on the side. But for the last 2 months it's been dying a slow death. Supposedly, "NOT because he's NOT interested....if he had HIS way, he'd see/talk to me everyday." These are the words I held onto, hoping that it would go back to the way it was when we first met (January...3 months before he got married). When I told him I needed to stay away, dare I say he looked relieved. I think that's what has me so torn up. That I held on as long as I did—thinking something is better than nothing when all the while he was just dragging me along for his own ego. I honestly believed in my NO CONTACT stance, but I've been longing for him to call and say, "I miss you." And the pathetic side of me knows full well that if I make the phone call that's exactly what he'll say just to keep me on the rollercoaster. I was a mess Saturday but I'm fightin' back the tears today! :(:(
BUTAFLY Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 If I follow you correctly...your xMM was engaged when you started the affair with him and he got married 3 months ago? If thats correct, I have been in your situation. It is a unique one because I felt like the betryaed girlfriend to find out I was the OW all along until I found out a week before his wedding he was getting married. He to strung me along saying things like he was going to call the wedding off. He was settling for her becaue he was sick of being lonely after his divorce. Till today I don't know if I was a toy or if his feelings were true. I do no I was in a world of pain and craved him 24/7. and seeing him everyday at work with his shinny new wedding band and tan from his honeymoon was like a knife in my stomach. So my dear you have reached out to people who understand and feel your pain I we will do everything we can to help you along in this long journey of healing. You already started w/ the right thing by not talking to him. Its the best thing to do for you. You need to gather your thoughts and feelings with out him adding to the mix. Keep strong and reach out as often as you need.
Author bevybaby Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 If I follow you correctly...your xMM was engaged when you started the affair with him and he got married 3 months ago? If thats correct, I have been in your situation. Our A started in Janaury and I knew he was engaged when I met him. We were very open about our unhappiness in each of our relationships...that started it all... But he went ahead and did it 3 weeks ago. I HAVE TO GET OVER THIS!!!! I am STILL waiting by the phone...he WONT call and yet still I TORTURE myself. Thanks goodness I don't have to see him everyday...I feel for you! He was a contractor that did work in my house. But unfortunately the work is not done so I know someday he'll be back. Thank you BUTAFLY for your kindness...I feel sooo stupid and much like a high school girl...silly& obsessed!
stillafool Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 bevybaby, been there where you are. Mind said he would cancel the wedding too, anything to keep you hanging on aka still sleeping with him. It is very hard to NC the first 2 weeks, but as time goes on and you keep thinking about how you were being used, placed second and like me being used as a sex toy, you start to get stronger around the 3 week. You have to do it for yourself b/c by calling him he has nothing to lose to pull you back in. If he's anything like my MM he's definitely not going to leave her at this stage nor was he ever going to cancel any wedding plans. This forum has helped me tremendously and by reading some of it's posts I've realized things I hadn't even thought about. I think you have come to the right place.
Guest Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I know exactly how you feel. I am on day 4 of no contact and its killing me. I have been involved with a MW for almost 2 years and I finally broke it off with her because while she appeared willing to continue the physical part of our relationship it was always on her terms, with her calling all the shots. While she wanted to continue playing around, she was COMPLETELY unavailable emotionally. This caused me to feel used and so I finally caught the clue and said no more. I wrote her this long email about all of this ending our relationship and she emailed me back saying " no matter where our separate paths lead I hope we still maintain some degree of contact" I'm sure this really meant " in case you havent had enough abuse please feel free to come and get some more" Bottom line is, have some self respect, suck it up. It will get better it has to..
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 If he was that unhappy in the relationship, why did he get married anyway? Stay strong and don't call him. Short term happiness isn't worth your long term pain. Keep busy and when your mind drifts to thoughts about him, STOP yourself and think of something else. He's like a bad habit you have to break.
Jessie61 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 If he was that unhappy in the relationship, why did he get married anyway? Stay strong and don't call him. Short term happiness isn't worth your long term pain. Keep busy and when your mind drifts to thoughts about him, STOP yourself and think of something else. He's like a bad habit you have to break. Bevy, WWIU is right. Don't call him. You also deserve better than him and that mess.
Author bevybaby Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 Ladies & Gents.... I have you know I was about to pick up the 'ol cell and dial the digits but I just wailed and sobbed instead and the urge passed...then I read all of your supportive responses and YOU ARE ALL ANGELS!!!! I need to get back to my reality because, quite honestly, I've been living in Fairytaleland for 4 months!!!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Hugs to all of you!
stillafool Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 You know what bevybaby it is just that -Fairytale Land- full of fantasies that will probably never happen and if they did it would cost too much pain to ever be worth it!
lizad Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 what it is it that they over us???? It's amazing b/c we are both married. Mine marriage has never been better and I've been trying for months to just end the contact. I never though of myself as a masochist ( spelling??) but that's what I felt like I have been. His marriage is the one that is hurting and he needed this relationship more than I. Even though, I know he lied about so many things and knew that everyday I risked my marriage and family, I still kept the A going. the last few months have been far and few between with seeing him and we were probably in more NC than C. He was always there though waiting for me to break it and pick up right we where left off as I am sure he is hoping that is the case now....... It's been a week of NC and I am taking one day at a time.......... Can't help but think of him multiple times a day and wonder if he misses me and is thinking about me but I have not been tempted to contact as of yet and hope that I can stay strong and NOT DO IT!!!!!!!! I know it takes time and the more the days go on without NC, I am hoping will make the past two years a distant memory. Just wish that would come soon......... Addiction???? maybe, it's just amazing what a roller coaster this has been.......
BUTAFLY Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 [quote name= I feel sooo stupid and much like a high school girl...silly& obsessed![/quote] I know what you mean.... when It all went down on my end I would get stiffled when I saw him, his car or same make and model for that matter. my heart would race and I would get buterflies in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was a little kid with a crush. I didnt know how to ack when I saw him and would get flustered and turn red all the while trying to act as if I was over him. And you want to talk obsessed . I can laugh about it now because I have come so far in the healing process. Its been a year for me and I still have a little something left for him( damn those green eyes and dimples) but the pain is gone. You will get there too, you'lll see. We will be there for you whenever you need us.
Author bevybaby Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Thank you ALL for sharing your stories with me. I hope you know how much it means to me during this insane part of my life!!! It really is giving me the strength I need to do this. You are all amazing and deserve so much after the heartache you've endured. So...day 4 is over....phew! Cried hysterical in the Shop N Stop and then the corner deli. The tears just came over me as soon as he popped in my head. Does that go away? My D-Day will be Wednesday....no matter what has happened in the past that his been the day he calls. He owns his own business and that is the "late night" so he can call after hours. The saddest part will be when he DOESNT call. That will make it official and it will break my heart that I wasnt important enough to hold on to. It will validate my invalidation (laugh). And even though I said the words "I have to walk away from this" I know in my heart, head, etc. he did nothing to keep me. So in essence he still held the control even in the end. I havent found a good enough mantra to get me thorugh this...any suggestions?
Jessie61 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 My D-Day will be Wednesday....no matter what has happened in the past that his been the day he calls. He owns his own business and that is the "late night" so he can call after hours. The saddest part will be when he DOESNT call. That will make it official and it will break my heart that I wasnt important enough to hold on to. It will validate my invalidation (laugh). And even though I said the words "I have to walk away from this" I know in my heart, head, etc. he did nothing to keep me. So in essence he still held the control even in the end. Bevy, I don't know if your MM is going to ring you on Wednesday, but let's hope he doesn't...? Yes, it would be heartbreaking for you to realise that you "weren't important enough to hold on to" (your words which I strongly disagree with!!!!), but it would also allow you to move on and get on with your life. It would be far worse if you were "important enough" to ring, but not "important enough" to build a future with in a public open relationship away from the sneaking around and the lies. And you are wrong, HE did not have control until the end; YOU did. YOU decided to end it, didn't you? Hang on to that thought and hold your head high as you ride into the sunset!!!!
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