Ranyamellon Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 my boyfriend and i have been going through some rough times lately. one of the things we've been fighting about is how he always wants to touch me when he's drunk. for some reason i'm uncomfortable with it when he's drunk. and the more he does it, the less i want to be intimate with him when he's sober. the other night we got into a huge fight. he was drunk and i was resisting. then he just lost it, starting punching himself and saying how he wants to cut himself and how i make him hate himself. i've been depressed in my past and while it's something i've worked out, the memories are still painful. what he did triggered an emotional breakdown for me. we talked about it the next day. he doesn't know why he did what he did. and he really does feel very bad about it. after talking about it, we decided that he was upset and angry, and it was his way at lashing out at me, with the alcohol acting as a catalyst. he's quit drinking. the problem is, ever since then, i can't stand having my boyfriend touch me in a intimate way. even a kiss on the lips bothers me. after doing some soul searching i realize that i'm afraid when he tries to be intimate. i still love him and still want to date him (we've been going out for almost 3 years) but i don't want him touching me with even hint of sexuality. which is realize is ridiculous in a relationship. i don't know what to do or think.
amaysngrace Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Your guy sounds like he has major issues which were brought to the surface by drinking. You probably had a light go off inside your head letting you know he is unstable and not right for you. I would say he needs counseling in order to deal with his feelings of self-hatred and self-mutilation. He has an underlying problem, and drinking was a cover up for what his REAL problem is. Good Luck with this!
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 my boyfriend and i have been going through some rough times lately. one of the things we've been fighting about is how he always wants to touch me when he's drunk. for some reason i'm uncomfortable with it when he's drunk. and the more he does it, the less i want to be intimate with him when he's sober. That's a natural reaction for ANYBODY. Don't feel bad, k. My ex many many years ago used to drink and I hated it. He'd paw at me, grab my boobs and it wasn't in a fun loving way, it was rude and used to really piss me off. It's also (for most women) emotional, and if someone, like your boyfriend, is putting moves on you when he's drunk, you shut down emotionally and the next phase is, not wanting ANY intimacy because of how he is when he's drunk. the other night we got into a huge fight. he was drunk and i was resisting. then he just lost it, starting punching himself and saying how he wants to cut himself and how i make him hate himself. i've been depressed in my past and while it's something i've worked out, the memories are still painful. what he did triggered an emotional breakdown for me I hilighted in bold something that really got my attention. THIS IS HIS DOING, not yours. NONE of this is your fault. He's doing it to himself. Noone asked him to get drunk, noone asked him to punch himself and cut himself too. He has some serious issues. He's a control freak, and into self harming himself, which is a sign of depression/bipolar. He isn't a good person for you to be around, especially if he is triggering things from your past. It's not a healthy relationship for you to be in. He's making YOU feel bad. Please, consider breaking up with now. He needs some serious help. we talked about it the next day. he doesn't know why he did what he did. and he really does feel very bad about it. after talking about it, we decided that he was upset and angry, and it was his way at lashing out at me, with the alcohol acting as a catalyst. he's quit drinking. Actions speak louder than words...His promises don't mean ANYTHING unless he starts going to AA meetings and some therapy to help him with his self image, his depression and cutting. Again, these are HIS issues, not yours, so don't blame yourself. the problem is, ever since then, i can't stand having my boyfriend touch me in a intimate way. even a kiss on the lips bothers me. after doing some soul searching i realize that i'm afraid when he tries to be intimate. i still love him and still want to date him (we've been going out for almost 3 years) but i don't want him touching me with even hint of sexuality. which is realize is ridiculous in a relationship. Sometimes love isn't enough. When a person makes you feel awful and bad most of the time, it's time to get out and put yourself first. Yeah it will be hard and you'll be sad, but all in all, he isn't the right person for you right now. Have you seen a therapist due to your past experiences? It could help you too, especially if you're having intimacy issues in general. Hope this helps, and keep posting.
Just_B Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Sometimes u have to realize that no amount of love can sustain what is in effect a bad relationship. U both sound as if u have some issues and I just wonder if maybe u think u can't do better. Could be a could time to suggest having a break and take a little time to reassess what u want from a relationship and also what u want out of life. From my own past experiences, I can say no amount of hoping things will get better actually helps and sometimes u need to draw a line under it and move on. Easier said then done! What i find helps, and i know this sounds silly, but make one of those pros and cons lists. Put everything good on one side and everything bad on the other. When its written down it front of u its kinda hard to ignore the obvious. Take care.
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