litfish Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Hi, I posted a thread in the coping forum detailing my recent relationship. I am a white American woman, my ex-boyfriend is Southeast Asian. I am just wondering if anyone out there is, or has been in a similar relationship. I would particularly like to hear from Indian men who have been involved with American women, if possible. Do these relationships ever work out? And, when they fail, is it because there was never truly love there to begin with, or is love irrelevant when it comes to an interracial coupling of this kind? The sharing of any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated.
visotech Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Interacial relationships are just like any other - you have your similiarities and your differences and you have to work through both of them. If both of you want to put in the effort (sometimes it requires a little more effort then a same-race relationship - especially when family is involved) then it can work out. I'm an Indian male, but was raised since age 3 in the united states. I can't say my Indian herritage has come in the way of dating white women, but I can say that it has lead to diffrences in family life/structure in my relationships but if you are both willing to work through it - it can be done.
Sleeps w/Butterflies Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Hello, I had a very long relationship with an Indian, muslim man. I hope I don't offend anyone but the realtionship was very very bad. It lasted very long and it should have ended earleir than it did. Different cultures yet somwhat similar values. I admired his kindness towards my parents and siblings but he was very much into game playing and always putting his friends and other men above me. We barely got to spend any time together alone because he was always preoccupied with something and feared his family or a member of his family seeing us together. He used to lie all the time and when I would get upset he would laugh at me. If I would get hurt and cry he would walk away from me or hang up the phone on me. I so wanted to believe that he really cared and wanted to make things work but after so many years I grew tired and accepted that we would never marry and I was simply wasting my time. I suggested for him to go have an arranged marriage but till this day he hasn't and claims he will never marry. Part of me feels that this is due to the fact that I have moved on to someone else. He still calls and tries to see me etc. He acts like the opposite now telling me he loves me when he never did before and a whole lot of other nonsence but I am so glad it is over. When we got involved I was 18 and he was 25 and the reationship lasted about five years. When we met he had been living in america for 5 years. Again this was just my experience.
alphamale Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I would particularly like to hear from Indian men who have been involved with American women, if possible. yes, that's me...what do you want to know specifically.
Author litfish Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 Hey everybody, Thanks for the replies. It's nice to hear from both an Indian male and an american woman who dated an Indian man. My experience has been similar to yours, butterfly, in that I have yet to meet any of my ex's friends, and thought I have even seen his parents via webcam as he and they chatted, they have no clue that I exist. I feel like his dirty little secret. Visotech, I also beleive that if people really want to be together, they can work it out. However, my ex had mentioned that he has tried to think of a solution to our situation, but indicated that he wants to return to India more than he wants to be with me. And, he wouldn't ever take a white American non-Hindu wife back to India with him. I guess I just really want to know whether or not this deep desire to adhere to his parents' and society's expectations is typical or Indian men, even if they truly love someone that doesn't fit into the norm. Or, is he just leading me to believe that because he never truly cared that much for me. Perhaps you can provide an answer, Alphamale... Thanks.
visotech Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 And, he wouldn't ever take a white American non-Hindu wife back to India with him. Hes not worth your time then. Why be with someone who is embarased to bring you around? I am an American raised Indian Male, I've dated white women, I can see myself marrying a white woman, so I have no problem with bringing them around my friends and family. But the only catch with my family was they never took my relationship seriously - my parents never dated people so they didnt quite understand the significance. It all depends on the individual, reguardless of race/customs, you should not be embarassed to bring your so around. Whether he/she will be accepted by others is another story, but if he does not fully accept you to begin with the former can never happen.
AriaIncognito Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I've got the same dynamic when trying to date someone of a differing religion. I believe, that if you two want it to work, it will, regardless of the differences there. If my current x or whatever he is would not be afraid of his family's wanting him to only stay within the jewish faith, then maybe he wouldn't be so afraid to be in a committed relationship with me, a non-jew. Now, I'm not discounting how he was raised or his beliefs. If HE himself doesn't want to date outside the faith, so be it. However, I'm not a proponent of only doing it because you're afraid of your parents. We are all adults and can live as we see fit and as makes us happy. Yes, I realize a family could disown their child for being "rebellious", but i'd like to think and hope, in this day and age, that for the most part, they would just grow to be happy for their child, because their child found someone that makes their life complete. Call me foolish. Jennifer
einahpets Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 i dated an indian man for 3 years. it didn't work out. it had nothing to do with his culture, which i respected and always found facinating. his sisters loved me though it was very difficult with his parents. he has a very large extended family in the US, though all very traditional. it was hard being the only "bright spot" at family functions. i knew what it felt like to be in their shoes, i was suddenly the minority. the younger, US born generation was very accepting of me, but i never felt fully excepted by the older generation and i doubt i ever would have. but when you love someone those things can be dealt with and shouldn't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
noclobber Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 Hi, I posted a thread in the coping forum detailing my recent relationship. I am a white American woman, my ex-boyfriend is Southeast Asian. I am just wondering if anyone out there is, or has been in a similar relationship. I would particularly like to hear from Indian men who have been involved with American women, if possible. Do these relationships ever work out? And, when they fail, is it because there was never truly love there to begin with, or is love irrelevant when it comes to an interracial coupling of this kind? The sharing of any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated. I am from India, South India to be specific! I can very well understand what you would have undergone. Eventhough I am an Indian I have to be honest and say that Indian men are moma's boys without a back-bone. They will date you, get intimate with you, and even honestly love you. They are very true till that point but when you talk about marriage and that's when things take a huge turn. They will be dead scared of their family because they know that marrying a white woman will not be approved. Trust me, they truly love you but they just don't have the guts to go against their family. So its more of a family and cultural pressure than anything else. Indian families do not want their kids to marry outside their religion let alone culture, nationality, and religion!! The parents just put too much pressure on the guy to drop the white girl that he so dearly loves.. They even threaten the poor guy with suicide. In such a tough situation the guy buckles at one point and agrees to go for an arranged marriage ie., marrying a girl of the same religion and caste and selected by his family. This sucks big time, I know. That's why these guys do not want their families to know about their white girl-friends. But the thing that irks me is, if you know that you don't have the strength to go against your family and marry the girl you love why date her in the first place??? As for me I am from South India and my family is very very liberal.. you can even call it as abnormal by Indian standards lol... I have the freedom to fall in love with a woman (any woman - white, black, brown, or whatever) and marry her. I have that freedom and I also have the strength to do it. My two elder sisters married the guys they met. One of them was a Christian from Singapore (we are Hindus). So your next question might be this -> Am I dating a white girl? If that's your question then my answer is no. I have just been scarred by a Jewish woman that said that she cannot date me b'cos she can only marry a Jew or atleast a Catholic. I liked her a lot and I know for sure that she likes me too but she can't get past the religious barrier. I really didn't have to hear an American girl tell me (an Indian) that she can only marry somebody of her own religion. I seriously felt like I was in a small village in India when I heard her say that.. It's just my bad luck that I met that girl instead of someone like you
Author litfish Posted June 9, 2006 Author Posted June 9, 2006 Hey everybody, Thanks so much for the posts. It has really helped me to better understand exactly what might be going on with my very ambiguous situation with my ex. I was especially happy to hear from you, noclobber. By ex is actually from South India, as well. Kerala, to be exact. He is also pretty liberal in terms of his views, but I do think that his family is more traditional. And, he is particularly reverent of his mother. (He's the youngest of two boys). He has told me, even since we broke up that I am perfect for him and that he doesn't think he will ever meet anyone else that he is as compatible with. In fact, he has said that he doesn't know if he ever wants to marry, while at other times he seems resigned to the fact. Honestly, there have been times I have doubted whether he had any very deep feelings for me despite the fact that at other times I had no doubt that he loved me. It has helped to have your input...it really is possible that he loves me but doesn't want to love me, and has no intention of ever changing his mind. Hmm... I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your ex. I wish my ex was as open to following his heart as you were. It is difficult enough to find someone that you are compatible with on all levels; it's too bad that there have to be so many external influinces that complicate a good thing.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I didn't read any of the responces in case anyone else has already covered anything I say... I am Ukraine/Irish and my SO is native american. He isn't really involved in studying his heritage, although he already knows alot about it. We have absolutely no problems steming from culture differences although we pretty much come from the same way of living, if that makes sense. Here is my take on interracial dating/marriage. If 2 people come together from very different cultures, then there will inevitably be some kind of problem with the mixing of 2 cultures. With mixing cultures comes religious differences, traditions, difference in communication... It's like trying to get a cat and a dog together, or a bird and a zebra. There different. I'm not saying it can be done, but both parties will have to sacrifice some things and work out meshing their different lifestyles together. I think most, but not all interracial relationships require more work than those of the same culture. You know what, it has nothing to do with race as much as cutlure because come to think of it, 2 people of 2 different races can both be raised in America and have the same American culture. In that case, I don't see where there would be a problem, except for traditions they might partake in or maybe the family would speak a different language. Every case would be different I would imagine, depending on which 2 cultures would be crossing paths...
Guest Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I am Indian guy. I had an american white girl frn ( it is funny that we still are stuck with racial descriptions and prefs ! ) I know people for whom it has worked out perfectly. It depends on the couple I guess. There are too many biases here in USA and back in India. So if she/he has a family in India, then it MIGHT cause lot of probs for him/her initially. But I think ppl in there would come to terms with it eventually. No big deal I guess. Atleast that's what I knw . But am curious to knw what would americans think? I think interracial,skin color and accent are still too imp for ppl here
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