Guest Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 After a divorce of more than 20 years, do men tend to take on many sexual partners to experience what they have not been able to do in the past? or have you found that they tend to date seriously in search of what was missing or being lonely? if sexual, what timeframe does this normally fall into? Thanks.
lovernotafighter Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 alright I probably have no buisness answering this thread because I'm a 33yr old on the verge of a divorce. all I can say for me after being with the same man for 15yrs (and that damned MM for whatever mos) I plan on dating like a mad woman..no serious relationship for me for ever if it takes..I just want to have fun. only MM can kill that plan,and that window is closing fast.
movinon05 Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Well here's my take. I left my H for MM. Before I left he told me over and over that I was the love of his life, he would never find anyone else, he wouldn't even think of dating until after our boys all turned 18! Within days of my leaving, he went online chatting and met a woman who he started dating, lying to the kids about where he was going, lying to me with excuses why he needed to go away for the weekend for work (which he never did) so I would watch the kids. I found out in no time at all. Then within 1 month or 2, he met a woman at his new workplace, and he dropped the other girl like a hot potato, telling her it was too much on his kids to have another woman around. she believed it too and thought he was a wonderful father. In the meantime, he brought this other woman around immediately. Told the kids she was just a friend and that they were not going to get married or anything. Brought her and her children into the home within a few short weeks, disappeared every other weekend and sometimes even left the kids overnight during a school night, lied about where he was, and my kids were left alone. He got engaged to this woman within a year, they bought a house together and are still living together about 45 minutes away. In my experience and knowing of a few others, most men don't take much time at all to go looking. They date often. They settle very quickly and like being taken care of. That is what they are used to from the marriage anyway. Most women, it seems, take much longer to develop a long term relationship. This is just my experience.
933KJL Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Me=DWM 44 been divorced 5 years. EXW cheated on me and I left her--it was a cardinal sin as far as I was concerned. We have 50-50 custody of kids. I did not have a real date until after the papers were filed and she moved out of the house. I got into a relationship (lasted a little over a year) a few months after our divorce hearing, but did not have sex until I was oficially divorced (decree in hand)--I took the vows seriously. After that relationship ended, I dated a bit--more on a friends basis than a relationship and then got into another relationship that lasted 2 years but she moved to FL for family reasons and it ended--would still be going on if not. After that, I seriously dated a woman for six months but she was GU (Geographically Undesireable) and I did not deal with a LDR too well. The seeing each other was difficult with me having my kids half of the time, her kids and so forth. Since then I have just dated casually. I am not a goood multiple dater and I prefer to date a single woman and if and when it ends seek out the next. Thats just me. But, my focus is on my kids. THey are young and I will not introduce them to a date until I am sure that it is more than a casual one or two time deal. They know I date, but no sense in bringing them home. Also, I will NOT have any sleepovers when my kids are here. Maybe if and when I get engaged but till I am remarried, I don't think so. Hope this helps!
Curmudgeon Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Divorce habits for men are as individual as the men themselves. In my case I lived like a monk after the end of a 25-year marriage for the two years, plus, it took for the divorce to become final. Several months later I asked out a friend and former coworker I'd know for five year. She'd been divorced for 18 and socially inactive for the last 12 of them by choice. She was the first and last woman I asked out, post-divorce, and we've now been married for almost 10 years. The thought of "spreading myself around" never occurred to me, nor was I in any rush to relationship as I was fine being alone and rather enjoyed the peace, quiet and tranquility. I was also more than capable of maintaining a clean, comfortable home, cooking great meals and enjoying my own company. Neither my wife nor I had any real "need" for someone else in our lives. We just happened to fall in love and decided that we enhanced one another and wanted to be together.
amaysngrace Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 After my kids and I left my exH, he tried REALLY hard to get us back. He was finally the good husband and daddy he should have been all along. We even went to couple's counseling (his idea). But he kept putting a time restriction on me...when are we going to be together again? I couldn't answer, because I was real worried that the past would repeat. He took a bunch of pills and tried to kill himself (I think it was mostly for attention). I never went to see him in the psycho ward. Three weeks after he got out, he met someone. Within a month he asked her to marry and she accepted. Today they are married and living in her home. He remarried in less than a year of my leaving. I can't speak for all men, just my exH. I think he has to move swiftly on women, charm them, and incorporate their lives together as soon as possible. He did this to me too. Because the "real" him is bound to emerge eventually, and he makes it so that his woman's life is so tangled up with his that it is good odds she won't be leaving anytime soon. He makes leaving difficult. But he is a nut. I know lots of men who would never think to act this way. JMO
Guest Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Thank you to all that have posted. I got involved with this person at the tail end of the marriage (against my own morals/values - we were friends that turned into more) and when he moved out from his home (separation last year) he dated others and always spoke of being able to adjust to being alone - we continued our friendship from a distance (spoke monthly or so while this dating occured because I could not stand it) and now he has reentered my life romantically a few months after the divorce is final. I just am not sure if he is still dating and playing the field, lonely, or truly wants to be with me. I know asking is the simple answer, but I am afraid of "spooking" him for lack of a better word and think the best move is to see how it progresses naturally - just bite my tongue for a bit - which for me is extremely hard. I feel like after he sowed his wild oats, he might have thought about us.........thoughts?
movinon05 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Well I think it is very possible that he was sowing his wild oats. When you suddenly find yourself out of a M and alone, you see things differently, want to experience new things, etc. My guess is he became bored of the dating and not finding anyone special enough and then thought of you. Dating gets tiring after awhile. What his intentions are, I don't know. But you were probably a soft place for him to fall and he felt more comfortable with you than anyone he had dated, and that's why he is back. I would give it a little time to see how you and he progress. Although men might disagree with me, (and to those men I would add, these are MY experiences and what I have personally seen), I have seen many men opt for someone they are comfortable with and settle in, trying for the long haul.
RealityCheck Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Well I think it is very possible that he was sowing his wild oats. When you suddenly find yourself out of a M and alone, you see things differently, want to experience new things, etc. My guess is he became bored of the dating and not finding anyone special enough and then thought of you. Dating gets tiring after awhile. What his intentions are, I don't know. But you were probably a soft place for him to fall and he felt more comfortable with you than anyone he had dated, and that's why he is back. I would give it a little time to see how you and he progress. Although men might disagree with me, (and to those men I would add, these are MY experiences and what I have personally seen), I have seen many men opt for someone they are comfortable with and settle in, trying for the long haul. Based on my experiences, both my exH's formed immediate relationships with their now wives. Both cut from different cloths, nevertheless they hated being alone!
movinon05 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Based on my experiences, both my exH's formed immediate relationships with their now wives. Both cut from different cloths, nevertheless they hated being alone! Which is what I basically said in my first post. (We just have too much in common, girl!! lol)
RealityCheck Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Which is what I basically said in my first post. (We just have too much in common, girl!! lol) I KNOW!!!! *laughing*
Guest Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 Well I think it is very possible that he was sowing his wild oats. When you suddenly find yourself out of a M and alone, you see things differently, want to experience new things, etc. My guess is he became bored of the dating and not finding anyone special enough and then thought of you. Dating gets tiring after awhile. What his intentions are, I don't know. But you were probably a soft place for him to fall and he felt more comfortable with you than anyone he had dated, and that's why he is back. I would give it a little time to see how you and he progress. Although men might disagree with me, (and to those men I would add, these are MY experiences and what I have personally seen), I have seen many men opt for someone they are comfortable with and settle in, trying for the long haul. thanks for the thoughts - it is funny, but the last few weeks have felt like a new beginning for the two of us - still not letting down the guard, but I can say for me, it is becoming very obvious why I fell in love with him in the first place - think it is the same for him - the thing that is lacking now (from the beginning relationship), neither of us are so quick to jump back in - but it is still progressing - thanks again for the input - I would have never guessed that things would have headed where they are right now - taking it one day at a time.
Guest Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 thanks for the thoughts - it is funny, but the last few weeks have felt like a new beginning for the two of us - still not letting down the guard, but I can say for me, it is becoming very obvious why I fell in love with him in the first place - think it is the same for him - the thing that is lacking now (from the beginning relationship), neither of us are so quick to jump back in - but it is still progressing - thanks again for the input - I would have never guessed that things would have headed where they are right now - taking it one day at a time. boy was I wrong - he has been initiating contact (not just sexual either) only for me to find out tonight that he is dating several other women - was wondering why his weekends were so full - got my answer - not only that, he claims he never "mislead" me - knowing who I am, he looked me in the face with that one - in return, I justified my thoughts and told him that it was his loss and not to contact me anymore - it kills my heart - with that said, my heart is broken and I feel like a fool for giving him yet another chance to hurt me. just don't think that you can ever be on the same footing with a divorced man if you were the OW no matter how much love you give them. lesson learned the hard way.
movinon05 Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 Wow, that sucks! Yes, you learned a lesson the hard way. Its often hard for a woman because we are usually more emotional and tend to lean towards one man rather than spreading ourselves around. I'm sorry this happened to you. Its definitely a good lesson learned. But try not to let it get you down. (I know its hard). Better you found out and can move on to something better.
Guest Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Wow, that sucks! Yes, you learned a lesson the hard way. Its often hard for a woman because we are usually more emotional and tend to lean towards one man rather than spreading ourselves around. I'm sorry this happened to you. Its definitely a good lesson learned. But try not to let it get you down. (I know its hard). Better you found out and can move on to something better. thank you for being so sweet - the hardest part was telling him not to ever contact me again - the thought of not having him in my life tears me apart, but if we are going nowhere, then so be it - it is a terrible feeling, but somehow, I have to mourn this and move on - are there any "normal" guys left in the world?
movinon05 Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 thank you for being so sweet - the hardest part was telling him not to ever contact me again - the thought of not having him in my life tears me apart, but if we are going nowhere, then so be it - it is a terrible feeling, but somehow, I have to mourn this and move on Well he needed to hear NC from you and I hope he honors it. I'm glad you were strong enough to do that. But you will most definitely be better off for it. Just remember that. You deserve more. are there any "normal" guys left in the world? I don't know. I'm kind of counting on that!! lol! Let's find out together!
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Well here's my take. I left my H for MM. Before I left he told me over and over that I was the love of his life, he would never find anyone else, he wouldn't even think of dating until after our boys all turned 18! Within days of my leaving, he went online chatting and met a woman who he started dating, lying to the kids about where he was going, lying to me with excuses why he needed to go away for the weekend for work (which he never did) so I would watch the kids. I found out in no time at all. Then within 1 month or 2, he met a woman at his new workplace, and he dropped the other girl like a hot potato, telling her it was too much on his kids to have another woman around. she believed it too and thought he was a wonderful father. In the meantime, he brought this other woman around immediately. Told the kids she was just a friend and that they were not going to get married or anything. Brought her and her children into the home within a few short weeks, disappeared every other weekend and sometimes even left the kids overnight during a school night, lied about where he was, and my kids were left alone. He got engaged to this woman within a year, they bought a house together and are still living together about 45 minutes away. In my experience and knowing of a few others, most men don't take much time at all to go looking. They date often. They settle very quickly and like being taken care of. That is what they are used to from the marriage anyway. Most women, it seems, take much longer to develop a long term relationship. This is just my experience. MovinOn, Thanks for sharing your story again. You really had it tough with this MM... it makes me want to smack him! Your story really helped me. As I've written in another thread (which I started), my MM is in the process of divorce. And here I am, wavering back and forth about the unknown future. Heck, he may want to spread his seeds too! He may not even want me!! *Relief* I can't tell you enough how your posts have been an inspiration to me. Lesson is... MEN ARE SCUMS. (No, I was only half serious about that. I know that there are decent men out there. My dad told me the other day that I should lower my expectations for my husband - and men in general. )
movinon05 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 MovinOn, Thanks for sharing your story again. You really had it tough with this MM... it makes me want to smack him! Your story really helped me. As I've written in another thread (which I started), my MM is in the process of divorce. And here I am, wavering back and forth about the unknown future. Heck, he may want to spread his seeds too! He may not even want me!! *Relief* I can't tell you enough how your posts have been an inspiration to me. Lesson is... MEN ARE SCUMS. (No, I was only half serious about that. I know that there are decent men out there. My dad told me the other day that I should lower my expectations for my husband - and men in general. ) KHLF, Are you misinterpreting my story? I was talking about my H doing all this. Not my MM. Sorry for the confusion. ExMM is still with his W. My H did all this before and after the divorce. This was his "after the divorce habit".
Guest Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Well he needed to hear NC from you and I hope he honors it. I'm glad you were strong enough to do that. But you will most definitely be better off for it. Just remember that. You deserve more. I don't know. I'm kind of counting on that!! lol! Let's find out together! Thanks for being available and reminding me that I deserve more - as much as I know this in my head, my heart has run the show for far too long with this guy. Take care.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 KHLF, Are you misinterpreting my story? I was talking about my H doing all this. Not my MM. Sorry for the confusion. ExMM is still with his W. My H did all this before and after the divorce. This was his "after the divorce habit". I thought I misunderstood you somewhere... because I do remember that about your MM! I was confused... but i thought that this was a side of your MM that you didn't want to share. Sorry aobut the mix-up. by the way, I do admire you for being able to move on!
movinon05 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 I thought I misunderstood you somewhere... because I do remember that about your MM! I was confused... but i thought that this was a side of your MM that you didn't want to share. Sorry aobut the mix-up. by the way, I do admire you for being able to move on! Well thanks. I'm still trucking along. But you might want to consider these things men do once they leave their marriage. Perhaps I should put this in your thread, but your MM might very well decide he wants to live a little before settling down again, before even getting mixed up in the messiness of an A with you again.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 your MM might very well decide he wants to live a little before settling down again, before even getting mixed up in the messiness of an A with you again. Thanks! I never thought of this before actually. See how naive I am? But this forum has really opened my eyes to see scums in men! Yes, I'd appreciate it if you'd say something in my thread. I do need a lot of help.
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