eyeswideshut Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 That's it. i hate myself. Now I will have no credibility at all with him...how will I regain my self-respect? Last night I saw him, remember, the coincidence, I passed by in front of a cafe where he was sitting. Well, I was out for my walk and I bumped into him. It was all fine and dandy, he wrote that night, and broke my 5 day NC. Saying how it made his day to see me. And I didn't write back. And was sooo looking forward to the BBQ. Then this morning, he phoned, and I freakin answered. I was whining that the milk for my coffee had curdled, and he said he'd buy me breakfast. So I let him. He came by, and we spent the day together. And it was wonderful... We didn't talk about anything major, he told me he was wearing his ring yesterday when I saw him, because when he's out with friends he wants to avoid questions so he wears it.. but never with me.... Anyway, the rest of the time we talked about other stuff, nothing about the relationship itself. Just lovey dovey stuff. Now, what the hell do I do? I already sent him the NC email, he respected it until he saw me and now I just ruined the whole thing. If I send another NC email, it won't be credible, and i don't trust myself. I don't want to keep repeating the cycle. I'm starting to sound like a broken record, and you girls must be so bored and disappointed in my right now. The worst thing is that we never ever fought, ever, we get along so well. It's very hard for me to do NC, because we've been friends for a lifetime. So how the hell do I get out of this situation?? He said he was sooo down and sad the past few weeks when I was slipping away and then when I initiated NC for the first time, FOR REAL. but now, he's seen how happy I am with him, and I should have played it cool but I didn't. He knows I'm going gaga over him. He will never believe me now if I go NC again. I think i just gave him the necesary boost now to believe he's under my skin. I even told him about the BBQ and how everyone's trying to set me up, and he just laughed and said it would be fun and he wants to hear all about it. :mad: :mad:
Jessie61 Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 So how the hell do I get out of this situation?? He said he was sooo down and sad the past few weeks when I was slipping away and then when I initiated NC for the first time, FOR REAL. but now, he's seen how happy I am with him, and I should have played it cool but I didn't. He knows I'm going gaga over him. He will never believe me now if I go NC again. I think i just gave him the necesary boost now to believe he's under my skin. Well, EWS, IF you are determined about NC yourself (only you can know if you are...) then I would compare it with dieting... Yes, you "screwed up", you had that piece of chocolate when you know you shouldn't have... But now you get back on that diet... BTW, the only difference is that you are NOT allowed to look at the menu when in NC... Geddit..?
Walking away Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Yep. If I had a dollar for every time I blew my NC pact with myself....well, I'd be a rich woman. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. It gets easier as you get stronger. We, I am sure, have ALL failed in a NC attempt with our MM. Do you think you are the only one who has felt like she has lost her credibility? Prove him wrong about you. Show him your strength. Start NC and stick with it this time. When he sees that you are serious by not contacting him and also not accepting contact from him, you will get your credibility back. Promise. Hugs WA
movinon05 Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 In order to be successful with NC, you have to set your priorities and stick to them. Think about whether you want to continue in this cycle indefinitely. As you can see, it will go on and on until YOU do something about it. You still seem very mixed up about this. Whether you want him to leave his W or not makes no difference. The only way you will get a result is by sticking to NC. You also have to stop worrying about the long friendship you have had because the dynamics of your relationship has changed. And I suspect after your day together, it was left that your relationship was going to continue. If you go into NC, you will just have to make it clear. Crystal clear... why you are doing this. So forget about the credibility. If he breaks it, it doesn't mean that you have to! It is obvious you are going to have to be the stronger of the two. Having said all that, I'm still not convinced you want this to end.
lizad Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 I agree as well......I've been there with the NC once a month for two years only to break it......he has never wanted the NC, naturally, why would he? I am hoping the thing for me this time is that when I went into NC, It wasn't a letter or a call saying "don't contact me".....you know with the " I will always's love you but can't do this, blah blah blah".......this time we had a big argument on the phone and I hung up. when he tried to call back, I just hung up without speaking and he writes me, " I love you, and it doesn't matter what you say to me", with that I responded, well, It doesn't matter b/c you will never be a part of my life again, etc. etc..... with that I cancelled my email account and on my regular aol account blocked his mail from being delivered, so even if I writes, I will never see it and cant respond.........he did try calling my office and I just hung the phone up without saying a word.......haven't gotten another call since, which is about a week now. I am taking one day at a time, trying not to think of the "what if he call again". I feel so good about this and like I said just getting through each day until hopefully it turns into months and then years....... Of course I hope he is aching and hurting and all that ( i mean i am human lol) but for me I am trying not to dwell on the good and even when thoughts of him come into my head,I just let them be thoughts until they pass and then go about my stuff.....The one thing I have going for me here is that I am married, things have been really wonderful and I am putting my engergies into my family and all the good I have at home. Also, he lives in the next state, so the chance of running into him is slim to none......... Try to stay stron in your NC, as I am. we all know that is the way to go to be done with them..... then maybe we can look back years from now and it will become a distant memory........
lovernotafighter Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 don't beat your self to much EWS we all have had our moments of weakness! zara and WA listen to me freak out in e-mail over what I did in my last NC.... I got drunk with him and we went and did..well you know...and I kicked my own ass royal! just get back on the wagon and and tell your self the pain isn't woth the momentary bliss you may feel. after my last melt down I start keeping a MM diary in my drafts in e-mail and the day I felt I had enough I read the things I wrote...all pissed me off ...just filled with scraps and bulls***..I knew this has to be it...it will happen..believe me. where you throw your hands up and say ENOUGH! I confess there this twisted part of me where when I have to see him next monday I wish he would throw himself on my mercy and we have one more day of bliss..but I'll tell ya,I'm tired off chasing that dragon of addiction,I really am.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 4, 2006 Author Posted June 4, 2006 oh, and by the way, he saw my TP structure. there were 16 rolls of TP left. This morning I woke up, and for the first time since I've been seeing him, I felt it: the addiction. Well, actually i've felt it before, but never this strongly, and most of the time it comes from having had sex all day. It wears off during NC. And after like 5 days of NC (and two weeks of NSex), I feel so strong and addictless (lol, bear with my vocab. please) that breaking NC seems easy, like a trap, like I am strong enough to "just be friends". Woah, so this is what you mean by the roller coaster, right? Well, the more i get to know my MM, the more I can analyze his personality. He is definitely staying with the wife right now for status only, and so that his life won't be complicated. She's never EVER home, so basically, he has all the freedom in the world, and has to make nice once a week, when she is home. When she does come back from her dancing show end of June, they will spend ample time together. (this will drive him mad) he will then divorce, and pursue me. About 1 month into the relationship, he will realize that what he really wants, is just mind-blowing sex, and freedom. So he will dump me when the lust is gone. But since I am not going to let this happen, this is my plan. Jessie, I know I'm still letting the wheels go round in my brain, rather than thinking of myself. But it's coming... meanwhile, I will phone my boy-toy with plan B. I will tell him that I am addicted to sex (well not really, but at least need it twice a month, lol), so rather than have sex with a guy I'm in love with, I would much rather have sex with a friend who knows it's with no strings attached. He's only 21, so I'm sure he'll appreciate learning all kinds of tricks, believe me, I'll tell him what a woman wants. Then, I am off to Europe, staying a week in Florence, and two in South of France, and dillydallying to Paris and London before coming back. I come back, a new woman, and realize I have fallen for a Vincent Cassel or Jean Reno look-alike, (and I pack my belongings and return to France!!!!!!) Oh god, only one month before my trip. my real goal is to not falter when his wife is gone. I still have MO's words in my head as a mantra. That he needs time alone without his wife and without me to make a decision. I need to let him have space to make that decision. I know that. That you girls for letting me rant. i'm off to my BBQ now.
Jessie61 Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Woah, so this is what you mean by the roller coaster, right? Well, the more i get to know my MM, the more I can analyze his personality. He is definitely staying with the wife right now for status only, and so that his life won't be complicated. She's never EVER home, so basically, he has all the freedom in the world, and has to make nice once a week, when she is home. When she does come back from her dancing show end of June, they will spend ample time together. (this will drive him mad) he will then divorce, and pursue me. About 1 month into the relationship, he will realize that what he really wants, is just mind-blowing sex, and freedom. So he will dump me when the lust is gone. But since I am not going to let this happen, this is my plan. Jessie, I know I'm still letting the wheels go round in my brain, rather than thinking of myself. But it's coming... Oh god, only one month before my trip. my real goal is to not falter when his wife is gone. I still have MO's words in my head as a mantra. That he needs time alone without his wife and without me to make a decision. I need to let him have space to make that decision. I know that. EWS, I must say that you are an expert at the old ranting... AND the analysing, if you don't mind me saying so......??? Mind you, "it takes one to know one", right....??? I think you are beginning to find out all about the roller coaster...? It ain't fun, is it? Anyway, I think you should keep MO's words in your head as a mantra. I also agree with MO that you seem mixed up about this NC thing. But I have been there myself, I know how difficult it is. For me it wasn't really a choice as such, I had just become so miserable with the roller coaster that I had to get away to rescue my sanity.... Then when NC was broken 4 million times, I was as pathetic as a lovesick pup... But gradually I got stronger and stronger because I learnt that the "high" you got from contact with MM was vastly outweighed by the crushing low afterwards.... However, I do believe that you have to take the time you need to get to the NC decision in order to stick to it. I don't think you are there yet...? In the meantime, I think you should just try to let go of all this speculation about "if I did this, he would do that.." and all such thoughts. You just don't KNOW what is going to happen. Nobody does. And having all this speculation going around in your head will probably do you no good...? No I don't think you should stop thinking about what to do, but try to let go of things which you cannot control... You cannot control what HE does, but you CAN control what you do and you are free to make your own choices... And you should make these choices considering your own best interests... Like I have said to you before, HE can look after himself. If he decides that he wants you, he knows where to find you, doesn't he..?
stillafool Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 EWS, I must say that you are an expert at the old ranting... AND the analysing, if you don't mind me saying so......??? Mind you, "it takes one to know one", right....??? I think you are beginning to find out all about the roller coaster...? It ain't fun, is it? Anyway, I think you should keep MO's words in your head as a mantra. I also agree with MO that you seem mixed up about this NC thing. But I have been there myself, I know how difficult it is. For me it wasn't really a choice as such, I had just become so miserable with the roller coaster that I had to get away to rescue my sanity.... Then when NC was broken 4 million times, I was as pathetic as a lovesick pup... But gradually I got stronger and stronger because I learnt that the "high" you got from contact with MM was vastly outweighed by the crushing low afterwards.... However, I do believe that you have to take the time you need to get to the NC decision in order to stick to it. I don't think you are there yet...? In the meantime, I think you should just try to let go of all this speculation about "if I did this, he would do that.." and all such thoughts. You just don't KNOW what is going to happen. Nobody does. And having all this speculation going around in your head will probably do you no good...? No I don't think you should stop thinking about what to do, but try to let go of things which you cannot control... You cannot control what HE does, but you CAN control what you do and you are free to make your own choices... And you should make these choices considering your own best interests... Like I have said to you before, HE can look after himself. If he decides that he wants you, he knows where to find you, doesn't he..? This is the best advice I've seen in a long time and I emphatize with EWS because I too am a great spectulator. You're right we cannot control things and speculation just seems to add to the fantasy. It's a waste of time but hard not to do when they are constantly on your brain. One thing that rung through to me on this is "If he decides he wants you, he knows where to find you, doesn't he..?" If I could keep that thought in my mind each time I think of him it helps me a great deal.
lovernotafighter Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 actually thats what I've been reminding myself during this NC and it's helping a great deal "if he wants me he knows what he has to do and how to find me". I have to tell myself things also that piss me off at him to from time to time..like today I drove by work on my way from shopping and seen his car..I had my phone in hand and so wanted to ring him..but said to myself "hey where the hell has he been on my phone?" and made sure I deleted his number after that.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 LNF, How long has your NC been going on? And do you find he is trying more and more to contact you this time around or less and less? Do you feel stronger as the days go by, or more and more crazy? How's the 2nd job? Are you working a lot these days? Lots of questions I know. I have to cure my LS addiction and email addiction to other people, and get out there. Into the real world! :(
j.carsey Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 NC is a real challenge, that's for sure. With my last ex-girlfriend, we first went 3 months without contact and then suddenly both had a massive lapse of judgement resulting in a week of wild sex. Oops. Now we've gone another 6 months without slipping up, haven't so much as seen each other. So what can I say, if you slip up it's a mistake certainly but not a catastrophe. You'll get over it, time heals all wounds
lovernotafighter Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 LNF, How long has your NC been going on? And do you find he is trying more and more to contact you this time around or less and less? Do you feel stronger as the days go by, or more and more crazy? How's the 2nd job? Are you working a lot these days? Lots of questions I know. I have to cure my LS addiction and email addiction to other people, and get out there. Into the real world! well next week will be a month since I've laid eyes on him..it's driving me nuts because I know he will be working my shift when I return to work Monday. no he hasn't contacted me since my last letter 2 weeks ago telling him we can't be anything even friends...though I confess EWS after my last post above..just this morning I sent him a e-mail...I feel like a fool..but it's weird I talked myself into it because I'm so worried about Monday,I felt like I was softening the blow. but guess he is gonna continue with the NC 'cause he hasn't bothered to write back..which does help really...cause now I won't feel bad if I turn my nose up at him and walk away. :-) (also watched that movie "just friends" made me all mushy inside) until I seen his car I was doing great really,I felt good and positive..but then that trigger got me. I quit my second job but plan on looking for another one after my vacation..figure enjoy my time right now cause it isn't going to get easier. I've been putting in 12 hr days at my job where MM is..but working over on a shift he isn't on..so it was okay. staying off of LS really does help...cause this place is MM all over...but I miss you guys and can't stay away for long *hugs!*
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