Getting over my ex-girlfriend...

June 4, 2006

This may sound odd, but me and my girlfriend have been broken up for about 6 months, she was my first girlfriend and my first love... if I even knew what love was... During the relationship, I questioned myself about what love was, because I didn't know if I really felt it.. but after I broke up with her, I really hurt inside, and I knew what love was.. I missed her so bad, but I couldn't talk to her, because she hurt me so bad...

The thing she did, was completely selfish.. but it was just a buildup of other things in the relationship. She was pretty much just treating me like I was stupid, and had such a temper, she would get so pissed over the tiniest things, and when I say pissed, it's no joke. Once she even screamed at me for about 5 minutes, because I had told her that driving for half an hour was not worth seeing her for about half an hour. (Daily.) So she treated me like crap, had such a horrible temper (It was as if she was taking out her family problem anger on me.), and also she couldn't deal with the fact I had epilepsy (Which took away my ability to drive.) She got mad at the fact that I couldn't drive on her birthday, and "surprise" her on where we were going that day. Which I just found unacceptable. So everything she was doing just made the relationship so bad, in my eyes. I was getting tired of everything.

So it was just a buildup of things, so I broke up with her. It was me who dumped her. Afterwards, I was just mad for a few months, because of what she had done. She was devastated. She sent me texts, e-mails, left me messages on my phone, saying how much she missed me, etc. But I wouldn't hear it. I just pushed her to move on, and eventually she did.

So now I talk to her occasionally, and once I even hung out with her. And now she is completely different. She is so relaxed, laid back, changed her look, is more outgoing, everything she wasn't back then.

When I saw her, it fired up my old feelings for her.. and now we occasionally talk on the phone.. text.. etc.. And when I talk on the phone with her, she is at her brothers car shop, and this guy is always messing with her... Which kills me inside, with jealousy... I have that old "knot" in my chest, and it gets "tighter" when I think anything about her.. Just a lot of mixed emotions.. She's also told me she wouldn't mind having a boyfriend now..

Honestly I wouldn't mind getting back with her.. I asked her what the chances were, and she said "Anything can happen.." but it didn't sound to promising.. And the fact she didn't understand about my epilepsy didn't go over too well with my family.. So I am torn about what to do...

PHEW.

I just need some advice to sooth the ache inside me...

June 4, 2006

Also there are just so many tiny things about her that other people don't know.. about the fact she wants to stay a virgin until marriage..

I don't know how well other guys would understand that..

We also went out for 4 years.. Gosh I loved her.

June 4, 2006

Im really sorry to hear your situation. My ex bf recently (almost 3 months ago) broke up with me, over similiar issues. He too was my first love, and my first everything, and I loved him dearly, and I thought at the time he did too. He was under a lot of stress (his grades were down, he had a lack of self confidence because of that etc.) at the same time I was going through a rough period ( I had a series of health problems that made me weak, angry and stressed out). We had been fighting a lot over little things (VERY stupid things) becuase of this, and finally he lost the patience to deal with me anymore.. I was over my head in stress and he finally broke and said he couldnt handle the fighting and it was over.

I never meant to fight with him, but no matter what I said he'd turn it into a fight. Yes I wanted him back, and I told him i was sorry but he just didnt want to hear it. We lived across from eachother, and even when I tried to be nice, he would turn it around and say I was just doing it to get him back. He said some really mean things like that, and did everything in his power to push me away. That made me feel incredibly awful, hurt, and desperate. It pushed me into a pretty deep depression which ended up affecting me in a huge way.

Now finally, 3 months later... we have gone No Contact (15 days and counting). he wont take my calls, wont see me, nothing. I know he's angry nad needs time to cool off (he told me this repeatedly) but his behavior still affects me. Even when we did see eachother while we were in college, he kept it short nad acted distant. He showed no signs of caring (except 2 breakdowns where he cried and told me he missed me, but couldnt deal with the fighting anymore) and hurt me deeply because of it. Now that we're on summer break ive pretty much gone through a series of emotions, maybe similar to what your ex gf went through herself.

1) To make myself stop hurting, I had to start looking at all his faults... things that didnt bother me that much I had to turn into things, issues to make me believe that I dont want him. I had to rationalize why he isnt hte one for me, and why he never will be (because I cant hope he will come back)

2) I feel stupid and angry for trusting him. I gave him my entire heart and treated him with respect and love for a year and a half and he threw it all back in my face. I dont know if I can forgive him, and I wonder if I can trust him as a friend or anything more.

3) I lost a sense of who I am and now am going through the pain and frustration of figuring that out. It has hurt my ego, and left me with no confidence whatsoever.

4) Ive had to start imagining a life that doesnt include him, and the only way to keep myself from going crazy and crying all day is to harden my heart against him- he doenst exist anymore. Ive had to start opening my mind and heart to the idea of another person.

I will be returning to college in the fall, and he will be around too. If i see him, I will probably try to do the same thing your ex gf is doing... act cool and confident and i hope by then I really will be. If you were angry, im guessing you treated her in a similar fashion, in which case you will not only have to deal with the fact that you hurt her emotionally.. but you hurt her ego too. It will take her a while to forgive you, but my guess is if she still loves you... if you are persistant and truly apologetic, she will come around. You have hurt her deeply, from the way you say she reacted.. and winning her back will take time IF she still cares about you that way. To get her back, you must now talk to her and try to undo all the mental and emotional walls she has put up against you.

Im sorry she treated you that way, I know i would be too if my bf interpreted my behavior that way. I think you eventually need to have a long talk with her... about what happened, what was going on that made her so angry. I knwo for me I was under stress and I couldnt deal with my own emotions, and im trying to learn to deal with that better. If shes willing to tlak to you and be friendly, maybe there is a chance.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope my experience as the "dumped ex gf" has given you a little insight on maybe how she felt, and maybe give you ideas on how to approach the situation. I loved my bf a lot, and I know he loved me too, but if he was frustrtaed and angry... I wish he had talked to me first. You cant go from " I love you" to " I dont want to be with you anymore" suddenly and expect the person to get back together with you very easily. Keep us updated on what happens.

June 5, 2006

Ok first of, I don't know if you read my post entirely.. but all these problems occured last november (of last year), but anyways, yes our situations are very similiar indeed! I just think I'm stupid for feeling this way, even after it's been so long. I mean if I am feeling way, I don't know why she isn't.. she was the one who was more "into" the relationship than I was.. but I guess I was the typical male, just playing it "cool," not being all lovey dovey, etc.

But I went a period without talking to her, because I just couldn't deal with the fact that she had moved on, etc. My friends had told me that it takes half the time you were in the relationship to get over the person you were last with.. I used to think that was true, until I remembered some golden advice that a co-worker gave me a while back. It was so great, I thought about the advice she gave me, and it all clicked, and I have been mostly relieved ever since!

She told me "Are you sure you miss her? Or is it that you just miss having a girlfriend in general? This made me really think alot! Lately my ex has been "using" guys who like her, but she doesn't get with them, etc. Like she gets guys who like her to bring her food, etc. But when I ask if she likes them, or if she'd ever get with them, she says "HELL no!" This just seems really really odd, and pretty "rotten" of her. (For lack of a better term that I couldn't think of..)

It dawned on me because when I would talk to her on the phone, guys would mess with her, and she'd laugh and mess with them back, etc. I was so pissed with jealousy, but kept it inside. But then after I remembered the advice, I just realized. I was jealous because the guys were messing with the only person that is "there" for me! I didn't miss her as a girlfriend, because she's repeatedly asked me to do things for her, and I've always said no, because I really could care less about doing "favors" for her. Lol. If I really loved her, etc. I'd do the things she'd asked for right away, in hopes of changing her mind! But I know that if I had another girlfriend right now, or even just a girl that showed mutual interest in me, I would not feel anything towards my ex anymore, because I'd have a new interest, and someone else to be there for me, etc. And that is awesome.

But about your problem, it seems as though the breakup is still fresh, and you're going through what I put my ex through. I guess I know how it feels, but if he is intent on pushing you away. And I think I did hurt her ego, so she basically got a make-over a few months after I dumped her, and has enjoyed the "attention" she's gotten ever since. I know she doesn't have any feelings for me anymore, because she has other guys to be there for her, etc. I pretty much have no one right now, lol, as sad as that sounds. My condition really limits my ability to get out of the house, for fear of it happening in public. I hate to be dependent on other people, and when go out I need one of my best buddies to be around and watch out for me in case I feel an episode coming up. (Which I hate, because it just isn't any fun.)

Now don't get me wrong, but I loved her alot too, but just could not handle the stuff she was putting me through. Her parents did not know she was dating me in the 4 years we went out because they are traditional, and would kill her if they knew she was dating outside of her race. So I had to bend over backwards just to please her, and I had to deal with her emotional abuse. She actually struck me one time, which enfuriated me, and I struck her back on the chest. (It was sort of a light backhand.) And to this day I regret doing it, but I doubt she remembers it. It was nothing bad. I would never actually intend to hurt her physically, ever.

Also it's been about 6 months, so I have had time to distance myself from her, and her from me. But she has moved on quicker than me, because she just has more social connections from her, and has turned into the typical party girl/party girl/drinker etc. She's dyed her hair, gotten contacts, changed the way she's dressed, etc. She has changed completely since I've seen her. She used to be so innocent and looked "natural", but had a raging temper, no joke. But I guess putting all that crap on her has made her feel better, and if it did, then so be it.

Just remember the advice. I understand if the breakup is still fresh, then it most likely will not do any good. And if you really did love him, then ditto.

But just remember in time: Are you sure you miss having HIM around? Or just miss having someone in general?

It's the best advice that I've gotten so far.

Regards,

R4ND0M

June 5, 2006