Guest Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 My wife and I have been together for nearly 10 years, dated for 6, married for 4. After we were married i found out about some things that had happened before we got married. I comfronted her and she told me everything and that it was the worst mistake of her life. I told her it wasn't important and that I forgave her. Even though I told her it wasn't important, i still harbored ill feelings about it. Later we had a child and our sex life and personal time really went downhill (kids will do that too you). One night I was out with a friend who literally threw herself at me. It wasn't what I wanted, but I went with it anyway. I tried to tell my wife on several occasions, but couldn't. Instead I taked with the OW about it which didn't help. So fast forward a couple years, it's been an on going affair, I've never been ok with it and in those years it's only happened 7 or 8 times. I knew that I had to come clean and tell my wife. So I did. This is were it really starts to get screwed up. I decided that I needed to tell her. I was trying to work up the courage to tell her (she knew I had something to say). About that time a friend called (he's having trouble with his marriage) and wanted to come by to watch a movie. So he came over, and we all started drinking. One thing lead to another, and we all ended up having a 3way (well, just touching, this was a first for all of us). He left and my wife and I had sex. This is when I decided to tell her about the affair. She ended up staying the night at my friends house and they had sex. She came back the next day, we slept in different rooms, then I left the next night to stay with a (different) friend. She has been confiding with my friend (the one she slept with) about the situation, I've been talking with him as well. My wife & I started talking a little bit. We're both planning on seeing counselors, seperately at first, then together. I know that I want to work to make things better and want everything to work out in the end. I think that she feels the same way and that we both need to talk with counselors to try to figure out how to move forward. told you it was screwed up.
MrsHellFire Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Yeah that sounds like a complete and total mess. Yeah, see a counselor right away! So she was honest with you about how she slept with your friend? Was it for revenge or did she harbor those feelings long? Your sex life went downhill, but she was quick to jump with your friend. You really have to work on things more rather than seeking outside help from friends with benefits that you got. It seems her libido isn't downhill, so maybe just the romance and excitement is.
AMBERINVEGAS Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 Well, I Know When A Man Isn't Getting Sex He Goes To A Girl Who Is Ready To Give It To Him Whether He's Married Or Not (cause That's What's Happening To Me) The Three Way? Dunno Where That Even Came From. But You Did Say You Did Not Intend On The Affair And Was Against. But Yet You Still Went Back Time And Time Again, So That Right There Says Something Different. Remember Actions Are Stronger Then Words. Counselor..yeah Might As Well Try. You Will Be Split, You Go See The Same Counslor And And Tell Them What You Did, How You Feel And What You Want. Now It's Your Wifes Turn To Go In And Say What She Want's And Feels. Then You Will Be Together In The Same Room. This Is When All The Feelings And Hurt Come Out. It Depends On How Hurt I Am Or Was At The Time Of Your Cheating. Trust Now Is Earned And Not Gained. If I Really Felt I Couldn't Trust You Again, Or Fear That I Will Start Pointing My Finger At You Thinking You Cheated When You Didn't. I Would Leave The Relationship. The Grass Isn't Always Greener On The Other Side.
Guest Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Update: I went and spoke to a counselor for about 20-30 minutes. I basically just gave him the background. He said that we would be better off seeing a counselor jointly instead of on an individual basis. So we've gone to one hour session together. We both had some realizations about each other. My wife is very blunt, and as stated in the session 'I always win'. Thinking back, this is correct. I am a very passive person. Whenever I stand up to her, she will eventually win (guess, I know who wears the pants now). I'm too passive and have trouble discussing my feelings. Well, I Know When A Man Isn't Getting Sex He Goes To A Girl Who Is Ready To Give It To Him Whether He's Married Or Not (cause That's What's Happening To Me) The Three Way? Dunno Where That Even Came From. But You Did Say You Did Not Intend On The Affair And Was Against. But Yet You Still Went Back Time And Time Again, So That Right There Says Something Different. Remember Actions Are Stronger Then Words. As for the affair, I did state that is wasn't what I wanted. It isn't something I had sought out, or even thought about for that matter. I had a close friend come out of the blue and and proposition me. When this happened, I said no and left. My problem is that I wasn't able to talk to my wife about it. Had i talk with her none of this would have happened (but, i assume that true for just about every affair). As for going back, time and time again, the OW made me feel desired. That combined with the hormones is the reason it continued. I had broken it off several times through the period, but with no external enforcement it didn't stop. While there is no excuse for what happened, i feel that since it only happened a few times over the period, and that I brought it to my wife without any external pressures (the OW was married, and terrified that it would destroy her marriage), i'm not the type of cheater that is out trolling for booty. I think my wife understands this. I think that in the long run we're going to work this out. We are both very level-headed calm people (we told out conselor that we don't feel we fight correctly because we don't yell and throw things). I feel like we're going to work though this and be stronger in the end.
jmargel Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I hope for your sake that you continue marriage counseling since this is extremely deeper than what you can imagine right now. Also NC towards the OW or that friend. There should NC with that other guy from you or your wife. Your communication is very messed up. It sounds more like brother/sister. Especially with her saying 'I always win'. That's immaturity at it's finest and unless you deal with the root of the problem I can guarantee the infedility will continue. You two need to set boundaries and respect them. Sounds like you two had major problems way before this happened. Not talking about these issues landed you on where you are today.
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