alphamale Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I didn't realize that it was such a big deal that I offer to pay for things frequently in relationships. I usually make more money than whoever I'm dating so it just seemed to make sense.... Well KC...why not just cut their balls off as well... so that you can TOTALLY emasculate them
grateful Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Kittenchick, I would sort of agree and disagree with the previous post. In all honesty, it's a great thing that you're offering to pay once in a while, but I think there are still a lot of guys out there who at least want to do dutch if nothing else. I don't know...it's kinda weird. It shouldn't be that way but it is, partly because of the societal expectations placed upon us. Men feel that they should be the ones to take charge, and that if a woman actually offers to pay, that it somehow diminishes this aspect of the relationship. But the previous poster does have a point - people are different. For me, I would not really be offended or less attracted to someone if she offered to buy me dinner - I'd probably take her up on it (lol!). I would only start to get annoyed if I felt it was used as some sort of bribe to keep me in the relationship. But never if it's just a spontaneous act of kindness. And why isn't it a bribe if the man pays all the time? I agree with Catgirl - - all circumstances are different and you should do what feels right. If I were dating a man who insisted on paying every time even if I made more money than him, and then took it as some kind of blow to his masculinity when I offered to pay, I'd toss that dinosaur out and try to find a man comfortable enough in his masculinity to accept that times have changed.
jerbear Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I'm a little afraid to post this for fear of getting slammed as it seems to be happening more often here. I have been reading this thread and I didn't realize that it was such a big deal that I offer to pay for things frequently in relationships. I usually make more money than whoever I'm dating so it just seemed to make sense, especially coming from a relationship where I was the sole breadwinner for all intents and purposes. Is this something that women should be paying more attention to? Should we not be paying or offering to pay part or all? Do whatever you feel comfortable. There are guys who are leeches but that is another thread. Some guys do not like being #2 while in public, it is a guy thing. Some guys actually get laughed at by other guys who have their woman pay for him. When I had my meals and drinks paid for by a woman the waitresses usually says I should be flatter that a woman would pay. I have no problems with it but some people might. Another couple at another table for instance had a gripe that I didn't pick up. I had women buy me drinks and I will pick up the 2nd round. I will offer that and backed that up. I think it is about balance, not absolutes, but definately do what you feel comfortable.
kitten chick Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total pushover. I never offer to buy a guy dinner or drinks from the onset but if we're out to dinner I'll at least offer something up. I let guys buy me drinks all the time. Usually at some point I'll offer to buy a round. When I'm in a relationship I tend to do more of the paying but it is a sensitive subject. I don't like being denied doing the things that I want to do when I can afford to do them just because of someone's pride. I also am resentful when I end up paying for things that a bf offers to buy for me, I'm not your mom and this isn't the 3rd grade gift fair. So it's not like I just hand out money left and right. I don't pay as a bribe or an act of kindness, I pay as an act of rationality. If I'm making 5-10 times what you're making then it doesn't really make sense for you to pay the majority of the time. In my last serious relationship my ex would pay for the casual meals but I would leave the tip and I would pay for the more expensive meals but he would leave the tip so that he felt like he was contributing and I didn't feel like I was going to bankrupt him. I try to make my relationships equal partnerships rather than having one person be in charge. Maybe that's my mistake. As far as doing what I'm comfortable with, that's still going to happen. There are some people who have posted here whose opinions I respect like amerikajin, but I always take what I read with a grain of salt. It will just open my eyes to that dynamic in the future and I will make whatever changes I want to make, if any.
SurpriseSurprise Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Some of the ideas KC said make sense in relationship the guy doesn't want to be the dependant. If they do they really are free loaders. The other is that legacy of the man pay's a guy feel odd because it is the social norm. I like the idea of leaving the tip. Like your relationships I don't make as much money as she does and since we are not married it is her money not ours. I think on date I don't feel comfortable thinking up the date what to do and what to do then not pay. It is supposed to be a treat, taking ownership of the experience on that date. There should be no obligation except join you, participate and enjoy. I would think it rude if she offers to pay when the date was my idea and I am leading the experience. The double standard that gets confusing is what if she asks him out for the date. I should be rude for the guy to offer to pay. That is were tradition trips things up. When the relationship is more day to day it shouldn't matter except on the occasions like a real date.
ronnieromance Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 You know what turns me off? Steak. Women who order steak at dinner. I gave up meat so it's kind of Seinfeld thing now. I won't say anything...I'll let her make her decisions, but I find it really nasty to see a woman chewing on deaded, charred bovine sinew and fles when in my proximety. You probably think I'm nuts, but, to me that s*** is like a crime scene before it's cooked. What's your reason radiation? -R-
alphamale Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I gave up meat I would think that many women would be repulsed by a man who does not eat meat. Tofu and bean sprouts just don't seem than manly...
kitten chick Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 You know what turns me off? Steak. Women who order steak at dinner. I gave up meat so it's kind of Seinfeld thing now. I won't say anything...I'll let her make her decisions, but I find it really nasty to see a woman chewing on deaded, charred bovine sinew and fles when in my proximety. You probably think I'm nuts, but, to me that s*** is like a crime scene before it's cooked. What's your reason radiation? -R- Oh so that's why you loved that I was a vegan I would think that many women would be repulsed by a man who does not eat meat. Tofu and bean sprouts just don't seem than manly... Actually, that's something that I look for. You lose again ALPHAMALE muahahaha
Outcast Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I'm a grownup who makes my own way in the world. Letting some fellow pay all the time without returning the favour at all would make me feel like a mooch. So if I'm not allowed to buy dinner, I find ways to give presents or something else - after all, giving's fun and both folks ought to get a chance do it:)
Tinman Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 [quote=kitten chick... but if we're out to dinner I'll at least offer something up. I let guys buy me drinks all the time. Usually at some point I'll offer to buy a round. And we have a winner! Seriously this is the best way to do it. Currently, etiquette generally dictates that whomever does the asking picks up the check, at least in a first date scenario. In addition, current social mores frequently put the check-picking-up onus on the male; when the man did the "asking" the onus is doubly present. Thus, if the man did the asking there is double the expectation that he be the one to pick up the check. Fussing over it just creates unneeded tension and in this scenario, insisting on going dutch will usually be taken as a sign of rejection. HOWEVER, just because someone has the obligation to be a good host [treater], that does not in any way remove the obligation to be a good guest [treatee]. The polite thing to do is to make some sort of offer at the very least, ensure that you do not leave as a "mooch" while at the same time not creating an awkward social moment. Usually the best way to go about it is to stake out a small piece of the total debt; often by saying "Oh thank you so much, however, I've got the tip." The treatee then proceeds to leave a generous tip. This serves two purposes. One, you are showing your appreciation of the meal by leaving a good tip. Two, by overestimating the total you show yourself as generous while simultaneously avoiding having to look at the bill. Depending on what was drank, offering to take the drink tab can also work. On second thought, this works well for most social engagements regardless of male or female. Oh, and on the subject of drinks. There's nothing wrong with allowing someone to buy you a drink as long as you make the offer to get the next round. They may refuse of course and you may know that they will likely refuse, but that doesn't relieve the obligation to make the offer.
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