Reliving History

[UnknowingOW]

It is funny. You think your life is so different now. You think, "I have some come so far...I am happy with me, with my life." You aren't who you were when you were the wife and found out your husband's lie. You are stronger now. You control your life. You know to believe your gut instinct. And then your past. Your history. It comes full circle and you see that you are right where you left at the point of discovery with your ex-H, but this time with someone else. And now you are the other.

 

I had a rather enlightening experience last night. I ran into my XH. The man I was married to for 8-years. We haven't seen each other for 6-years. Then I fought tooth and nail for him then because I believed in my vows...even as terrible as the marriage was...even as terrible as he made me feel...I had loved him as I had loved no other. But then again, when I give myself; it is completely.

 

Many words were exchanged...nothing heated, nothing blamed. But he stated was/is a selfish man last night. You see, the man I was married wasn't just into the OW...it was the OM as well. It's funny, I knew about out about the OM's...that's how I found out about the cheating. But last night he told me there were as many OW in my bed as well. And he then explained how he had loved me, how I was the one thing he couldn't let go because I loved him unconditionally. What's more interesting is he state his SO knows he will never fight to keep a relationship as he fought to keep me...weird. Not my problem. As for me, I had forgiven my XH many years ago. The day I finally forgave him was the day I was able to move on with my life.

 

The only thing I told him that had truly bothered me over the years was why he made me feel I was so stupid. And I'm talking stupid in a sense of not knowing the truth. I have always been insecure I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't good enough to be the person I wanted to be. That I couldn't go to college because I couldn't do algebra. He said to me one night while trying to teach me algebra that I was too stupid to ever understand. But, what I realized he was just reaffirming my own insecurity with his statement. And, what I later realized was...I wasn't stupid, or I wouldn't have gotten into college and made a real career and life for myself. Yes, it may have taken me 3 times to get though that damn algebra class, but when I did I made the A. Which proved I wasn't stupid after all. I graduate with a business degree. I have a great job which has afforded me my life on my terms.

 

Going back to history though, what I learned from this late-night history course was something about myself. I told my XH of my current situation regarding my MM and being unknowing of his marriage over the last 5-years. Of all my friends and family which know about my current situation, my XH was the only one to bring me clarity....funny isn't it?

 

Time for raw honesty. My MM is the first man I've made love to since my divorce. Not that I haven't been in other relationships...I was intimate with the last man I was engaged to, but there was no intimacy. Meaning, he was never able to touch my soul. Basically, it's been 10-years since I have completely given myself to someone until the MM. It was clearly identifiable...you know when it love and not just sex. This is where my lines are becoming blurred. Now that I know he is married, my feelings haven't turned off like I thought they would. My MM knows I cannot have the A with him. It goes against everything I believe it. And yet why did have to get into my head and heart the way he has, or the way I have with him.

 

Reliving history...my XH listened careful. He could see the pain I was in. His eyes have always given that away. What’s interesting was what he finally responded with... He said, "M. Think about when you found out what I did to you. Think about the 2-years it took you to finally come to terms with I did. Think about what you finally said to me the night we walked away from our marriage." I looked at him in shock. Did he actually remember what I needed and wanted all these years later??? With tears in my eyes I said, "No. I haven't changed. I wanted/needed someone who loves and respects me beyond all others. One who is willing to give me as much as I give him. One who's respect and trust was given freely without warrant. I wanted monogamy, marriage, love and everything that goes along with it. Then my XH said, then don't accept any less...you only deserve the best for; that what you give the people you love in your life...everything.

 

I am in love with this man. I knew it the moment everything shifted in my soul that night we stepped over the line. He know he is in love with me too. I have decided to go into counseling because I'm sersiously I am fighting myself on my decision. To stay or walk. I cannot have everyone I know and love think of me as an adulteress. I cannot bare that shame. And yet, I cannot stop my heart. I've never been able to. Maybe counseling will help me get through this.

[whichwayisup]

Bottom line though, your MM has a wife. And I don't think you want to be part of the pain inflicted on his wife considering you've been the betrayed spouse. YOU know what damage it causes.

 

Definately go to counselling and sort out your feelings.

 

If this MM loves you the way he says he does, then he'll DO all that is necessary to end his marriage and be with you. If he doesn't, then don't wait for him, don't be the OW in his life. YOU DO deserve to be loved and desired by a man who will only love you. Don't be the OW.

 

Think with your head, not your heart. The heart can heal pretty fast once you decide with your head that the MM is NO good for you and will only make you feel long term pain. The good feelings he brings out in you now is all based on fantasy and the affair.

 

Your EXhusband is wise and it's good that he has been a friend and listening to you, giving you honest advice that you need to hear. Always remember how you felt when he had his affair. Imagine the MM's wife and the pain SHE will feel once she finds out what he's done. (Ofcourse it's his choice to cheat on his wife - You though, don't have to be a willing partner in crime in that situation...)

 

Good luck and stick with therapy. It will help you cope and move through the emotional side of ending things with the MM.

[yesmaybe]

I'm also going into therapy because the confusion I feel regarding my MM (he is also going to therapy with me...but that's a whole 'nother story).

 

I've been in therapy before, and it was great - they key is to find the right person. Personally, I respond best to a warm, motherly figures. It's really important to find someone you respond well to, someone you trust. Initially, you may want to go twice a week and otherwise go to support groups (are you a love addict?), post on this board, read self-help books...do a real emotional detox.

 

Good luck.

[target-d]

I don't know if this will help you or not. It may strike no chord at all. I had an A with a married man after being in a marriage that sounded a lot like yours. Years later I can tell you two reasons why I did it.

 

1. I felt I had given my heart and soul to a marriage and wasn't willing to experience that pain again. I felt that an A with a MM would keep me from it.

 

2. I felt like a failure as a wife and didn't think I could be one again.

 

Now I feel that I was just hurting another person they same way I was hurt. Please think about what you are doing, and why you are doing it. Take care of yourself.

[UnknowingOW]

I don't know if this will help you or not. It may strike no chord at all. I had an A with a married man after being in a marriage that sounded a lot like yours. Years later I can tell you two reasons why I did it.

 

1. I felt I had given my heart and soul to a marriage and wasn't willing to experience that pain again. I felt that an A with a MM would keep me from it.

 

2. I felt like a failure as a wife and didn't think I could be one again.

 

Now I feel that I was just hurting another person they same way I was hurt. Please think about what you are doing, and why you are doing it. Take care of yourself.

 

target-d. It's been many years since the divorce and I went thought counseling for a year. And I am safe and secure about who I am and what I want in life. But, you are correct, I will not hurt his W. When I told my MM I found out he was married, and I also told him I would not do this to her because I knew what the outcome would be to her. I know the truth and will not have the affair. Funny how many can lie for years...