JJRocks606 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I strayed from my husband and now I'm paying a big price for my selfishness. Yes, he may not have been there for me emotionally when I needed him. Yes, he may not have done anything around the house. Yes, he may have been the biggest baby ever in this world. And yes, he may have given me the deaf ear when I told him that there were problems in our marriage. Bottomline is, I CHEATED on him. We are separated and my marriage is in shambles because of my actions. I flew halfway around the world to meet a man who filled an emotional void in my life. I HURT my husband a million times more than he had hurt me. And now, my husband does not want to be with me anymore because of my selfish needs. I can never forgive myself for what I've done. I can never even look t myself in the mirror without disgust. I can't live with the fact that I screwed up my marriage. EVER.
sylviaguardian Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 This is a great thread. It's not often that we get WS on here - probably we scare them all away! But it's great to hear that some people have affairs and are tryuly remorseful for what they did. Too often it seems like they are remorseful about getting caught or what they have lost.
Trimmer Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Boy, I'm with sylvia... I've been quetly reading along in this thread, usually with a lump in my throat, to be honest. But even as some of this is overwhelmingly sad, it also feels good to know that some of you guys have found the will, the strength, and the vision to try to make it right within your existing relationship. Some of us would have given anything for just a hint of that will, strength, or vision in our own relationships as things went spiralling down. I admire you for that, and I get a little ember of hope from it - not hope for my own situation, which I am making peace with, but just a small cautious measure of hope that fills in a little of the empty place where my innocence used to be. I hope this thread can remain a "no bashing" zone... i imagine the drive to stray in the first place is indicative of a relationship that i shouldn't be in in the first place booker, I agree with the other posters - I think this statement discards your own free will and intelligence, and posits that the outcome, or even the advisability, of your relationship is something completely outside your control. It is probably a tempting rationalization to lean on for someone who has already decided to leave, but you seem to be more honest with yourself than that... I can never forgive myself for what I've done. I can never even look t myself in the mirror without disgust. I can't live with the fact that I screwed up my marriage. EVER. Oh, JJ... I hope you will find a way back to being able to see you - your "self" - as a whole person without disgust, and to accept your behavior, but not as something that crushes your entire sense of being. Have you considered individual counseling? You can go and dump and cry and rage and work things out, and (if you have a proper counselor) not be judged. I hope you find a way back...
grateful Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Boy, I'm with sylvia... I've been quetly reading along in this thread, usually with a lump in my throat, to be honest. But even as some of this is overwhelmingly sad, it also feels good to know that some of you guys have found the will, the strength, and the vision to try to make it right within your existing relationship. Some of us would have given anything for just a hint of that will, strength, or vision in our own relationships as things went spiralling down. I admire you for that, and I get a little ember of hope from it - not hope for my own situation, which I am making peace with, but just a small cautious measure of hope that fills in a little of the empty place where my innocence used to be. I hope this thread can remain a "no bashing" zone... Trimmer - - This post touched me very deeply. Thank you for your compassion. Your hope feeds my hope that I can continue to make amends and honor my SO like he truly deserves. I need this strength to break the cycle of self-destructive behavior I've been in, to forgive myself, and do what I know is in my best interest.
Chump64 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 There is a good chapter in "How can I forgive you" (a book I'm reading) on self-forgiveness. At the risk of sounding brash, sometimes the wayside spouses get so wrapped up in guilt and hurt that they make the story about THEM, when in fact, it's about the spouse that was betrayed. (Yeah yeah, you gotta work on the marriage and all that, but I'm talking strictly about the initial year or so / the fallout of the affair.) Now in Littleroom's case, I don't think her spouse actually knows about the situation. (???) But my point is that a wandering spouse who is trying to make things right really does have to take his or her licks, and not get too wrapped up in self pity. There's a risk that if you spend all your time pitying yourself and wailing over your wrongdoing, that you can't be helping your betrayed spouse out enough to heal. I've said this to my husband before: Don't feel too sorry for yourself when what you've done has completely ripped my heart out. I know it sounds cold, but he had a lot of time to think about what he was doing during the affair. I can tell you that betrayed spouses get very angry about the fact that wandering spouses don't seem to have any foresight / can't seem to imagine the consequences of their behavior.
grateful Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 There is a good chapter in "How can I forgive you" (a book I'm reading) on self-forgiveness. At the risk of sounding brash, sometimes the wayside spouses get so wrapped up in guilt and hurt that they make the story about THEM, when in fact, it's about the spouse that was betrayed. (Yeah yeah, you gotta work on the marriage and all that, but I'm talking strictly about the initial year or so / the fallout of the affair.) Now in Littleroom's case, I don't think her spouse actually knows about the situation. (???) But my point is that a wandering spouse who is trying to make things right really does have to take his or her licks, and not get too wrapped up in self pity. There's a risk that if you spend all your time pitying yourself and wailing over your wrongdoing, that you can't be helping your betrayed spouse out enough to heal. I've said this to my husband before: Don't feel too sorry for yourself when what you've done has completely ripped my heart out. I know it sounds cold, but he had a lot of time to think about what he was doing during the affair. I can tell you that betrayed spouses get very angry about the fact that wandering spouses don't seem to have any foresight / can't seem to imagine the consequences of their behavior. Chump, These are all good points. I very much appreciate your reminding us of the BS position. My SO does not know. I know this is a big issue on LS but in my case, it was some flirting and one kiss, no emotional affair (the guy's a pig) and nothing further than kissing. I still think this is cheating, hence the big pity party and wailing of wrongdoing, but I feel like it is just within the lines of "better left unsaid." The difficult part of that is that my SO doesn't know and so I'm trying to do the hard work by myself. I say this because I've read enough from BS's to know that it is the BS who, as unfair as this is, has to do the lion's share of the emotional work to get the relationship back on track. There is nothing like the light of day to take away an affair's major appeal - the secrecy, the squirreling away from the real world and its problems, etc. But I luckily have the advantage of not being in love with the OM. Therefore, I feel like the bulk of the work really is on me - to figure out why I would risk so much for something really truly meaningless. I have thought long and hard about the consquences of what I've done - the beauty of my relationship that I've sullied by wallowing in filth, and have because of this concluded that there is something seriously amiss with me that I would risk so much for so little. I know I'm still talking about myself, but I DO think of my SO. I think of how heartbreaking this would be to him, how he would feel inadequate, or responsible when the straying really had nothing to do with him. He is the victim of my selfish behavior, and as far from the cause as could be. That just breaks my heart. So I'm trying to love him how he deserves and make this up to him for the rest of our lives (even if he doesn't know I'm doing it... he still deserves to be loved that way).
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