For those who have strayed... and are trying to find their way back.

[littleroom]

When reading a lot of the posts on here, I got inspired to start a thread for those who have strayed in their relationships/marriages but who are trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

 

Whether it is a full on physical affair that has gone on for years, or a recently developed emotional affair that has gone too far. This is a thread for those of us who have done wrong and are trying to figure out why we've done what we have.

 

Because YES... we can stray away from the most important people in your lives with no ill intent. We can become connected to people other than our SO and suddenly be in deeper than we ever wanted to be.

 

This is for those who want the support to move forward and not be judged in the process.

 

I'll be the first one to say that I struggle on a daily basis with why and how I have done what I have done. Why I seem to still have trouble with pulling away from this other person and how I am suppose to find my way back to a balanced life. It's not easy... and I think many of us here may be struggling with the same issue but some might be hesistant to speak out for fear of being judged in their situation. But the fact of the matter is that we are all sitting back wondering who we arrived in the place we are in now. How did we allow things to get to this point? How have we found ourselves wandering a place we always told ourselves we'd never wander? How have we lost the grip of the hand of the person who loves us?

 

This is what I struggle with and I know many of you are struggling too...

 

--- littleroom

[Chump64]

I can't answer your questions but I can tell you that they are the same questions my hsuband is dealing with. Are you seeing a therapist? That might be helpful.

[basket]

hi

 

the idea that there are others in the same situation as me already gives much needed comfort.

 

i was involved in an affair recently and my gf found out. I never intended for anything to happen and it just did. You put into words what i feel.

 

now i live everyday under tremendous guilt and remorse at what i've done. How could i have hurt the one person that truly loves me and cares for me.

Ive lost all respect she had for me and i think all my friends and people that know me dont look at me the same way now.

 

We're trying to slowly walk away from the mess that i created and im giving her everything she needs to feel comfortable again which will clearly take a while.

 

Sometimes not all cheaters will remain cheaters. There are some of us that get embroiled in something that we never thought we were capable off. After being stung once, i sincerely believe that we will take necessary steps that will ensure that we never trip again.

[littleroom]

Basket,

 

Good luck to you... I know exactly how you feel. I am glad you took some comfort in this thread.

 

--- littleroom

[grateful]

the thing that I struggle with the most is that I have a great SO. I mean, in a different situation I could brag endlessly about what a great man I have - nurturing, supportive, funny, smart, courteous, good to my family, and on top of all that he adores me.

 

Then the man that I kissed... jerk, a bit crazy, socially tempestuous, manipulator, clearly just interested in me for sex.

 

It just makes no sense - - even to me.

 

So I have to come to terms with the fact that I was incredibly selfish and self destructive - - risking what most women dream to find for someone who is toxic and bad for me (and not just by virtue of being an OM, but because of his character).

 

Even writing that down - I'm still at a loss.

 

I know for sure it had to do with the very selfish and petty reason that I enjoyed being pursued and wanted. Yes, I am that small of a person that when my SO and I hit the comfort zone, I needed the thrill of the OM's flirting. But I needed it too much, and that's when I kissed him back.

 

It's hard, even writing this out, accepting what a low person I am for doing what I did. But that's what I need to do now - I need to understand why I would do something so awful.

[littleroom]

the thing that I struggle with the most is that I have a great SO. I mean, in a different situation I could brag endlessly about what a great man I have - nurturing, supportive, funny, smart, courteous, good to my family, and on top of all that he adores me.

 

Then the man that I kissed... jerk, a bit crazy, socially tempestuous, manipulator, clearly just interested in me for sex.

 

It just makes no sense - - even to me.

 

So I have to come to terms with the fact that I was incredibly selfish and self destructive - - risking what most women dream to find for someone who is toxic and bad for me (and not just by virtue of being an OM, but because of his character).

 

Even writing that down - I'm still at a loss.

 

I know for sure it had to do with the very selfish and petty reason that I enjoyed being pursued and wanted. Yes, I am that small of a person that when my SO and I hit the comfort zone, I needed the thrill of the OM's flirting. But I needed it too much, and that's when I kissed him back.

 

It's hard, even writing this out, accepting what a low person I am for doing what I did. But that's what I need to do now - I need to understand why I would do something so awful.

 

Grateful,

 

Wow! I can't believe how closely I can relate to you and your situation. Although the difference in my situation is the OM is not necessarily a jerk... he and I have had our falling outs because he's been a jerk, but in the grand sceme of things, he truly cares for me. So it's not a situation where he just wants to get into my pants. But in a way our relationship is toxic just because of all the circumstance that surrounds the relationship.

 

My problem right now is that I can't seem to tune him out of my life. This is what freightens me very much.

 

Coming to this site has helped me realize that there are others out there in the exact same situation.

 

--- littleroom

[grateful]

Grateful,

 

Wow! I can't believe how closely I can relate to you and your situation. Although the difference in my situation is the OM is not necessarily a jerk... he and I have had our falling outs because he's been a jerk, but in the grand sceme of things, he truly cares for me. So it's not a situation where he just wants to get into my pants. But in a way our relationship is toxic just because of all the circumstance that surrounds the relationship.

 

My problem right now is that I can't seem to tune him out of my life. This is what freightens me very much.

 

Coming to this site has helped me realize that there are others out there in the exact same situation.

 

--- littleroom

 

This is actually a really big difference - in that I don't even have an emotional connection which in some ways makes me feel like even more of a slug (honestly sometimes I think situations like yours that involve emotions are more, in a very twisted way, respectable than what I'm going through, but then again the emotions make it harder to cut things off so at the same time I don't envy that part of it). Truthfully my interest in him was (is?) purely sexual, and that feels so wrong to me - - like I'm just like a man who throws away a good thing for a roll in the hay... I don't even understand myself.

 

But, you are right, there are still a lot of similarities and the most important one is that we both want to get the OM out of our heads and refocus on our SO's. It's good you recognize your interaction with the OM as toxic even if he isn't a big jerk like mine. These relationships are toxic to us and to our SO's.

[littleroom]

This is actually a really big difference - in that I don't even have an emotional connection which in some ways makes me feel like even more of a slug (honestly sometimes I think situations like yours that involve emotions are more, in a very twisted way, respectable than what I'm going through, but then again the emotions make it harder to cut things off so at the same time I don't envy that part of it). Truthfully my interest in him was (is?) purely sexual, and that feels so wrong to me - - like I'm just like a man who throws away a good thing for a roll in the hay... I don't even understand myself.

 

But, you are right, there are still a lot of similarities and the most important one is that we both want to get the OM out of our heads and refocus on our SO's. It's good you recognize your interaction with the OM as toxic even if he isn't a big jerk like mine. These relationships are toxic to us and to our SO's.

 

Grateful,

 

Yeah, I can see how you would feel totally confused about why you would do something like that. In my case, I know that I love this OM. I know I do. I've denied it for years and then for some reason this year EVERYTHING came out. I feel lost in so many ways because I can sincerely say that I love my SO and the OM. It's twisted and to some it will seem like I am a bad person for having feelings for someone else. But seriously, before I could really understand what was going on... I was already too deep in it.

 

Hey... if you need support outside of this site, please feel free to email me. I can be found at [email protected]

 

--- littleroom

[THX2000]

the thing that I struggle with the most is that I have a great SO. I mean, in a different situation I could brag endlessly about what a great man I have - nurturing, supportive, funny, smart, courteous, good to my family, and on top of all that he adores me.

 

Then the man that I kissed... jerk, a bit crazy, socially tempestuous, manipulator, clearly just interested in me for sex.

 

It just makes no sense - - even to me.

 

So I have to come to terms with the fact that I was incredibly selfish and self destructive - - risking what most women dream to find for someone who is toxic and bad for me (and not just by virtue of being an OM, but because of his character).

 

Even writing that down - I'm still at a loss.

 

I know for sure it had to do with the very selfish and petty reason that I enjoyed being pursued and wanted. Yes, I am that small of a person that when my SO and I hit the comfort zone, I needed the thrill of the OM's flirting. But I needed it too much, and that's when I kissed him back.

 

It's hard, even writing this out, accepting what a low person I am for doing what I did. But that's what I need to do now - I need to understand why I would do something so awful.

 

Wow does your situation sound familiar. My ex-gf did exactly the same thing as you but took it all the way to a full blown affair with a married man who is a worthless piece of trash. At least your recognize the fact that your behaviour is self destructive and wrong. That alone really says something about you as a person. I hope you can get through this and be happy.

[target-d]

So I have to come to terms with the fact that I was incredibly selfish and self destructive

 

It's hard, even writing this out, accepting what a low person I am for doing what I did. But that's what I need to do now - I need to understand why I would do something so awful.

 

Grateful - I want to remind you that EVERYONE makes mistakes.

You need to understand why you did what you did, and I strongly recommend therapy. But instead of beating yourself up over it, use it as a life lesson. Don't hate yourself. After you learn the why, and brand yourself with it (so you don't need to repeat this lesson), then forgive yourself and move on.

 

Best of luck to you.

[grateful]

Grateful,

 

Yeah, I can see how you would feel totally confused about why you would do something like that. In my case, I know that I love this OM. I know I do. I've denied it for years and then for some reason this year EVERYTHING came out. I feel lost in so many ways because I can sincerely say that I love my SO and the OM. It's twisted and to some it will seem like I am a bad person for having feelings for someone else.

 

--- littleroom

 

Thanks for your email. I've jotted it down because the mods are likely to remove it.

 

I don't want to presume to tell you how you feel but I found this post helpful when I was overwhelmed by thoughts of the OM... it is a post about breaking up but the part about dopamine helped me understand that my attraction to the OM was like an addiction. I knew I wasn't falling in love, which was why it was easier for me to see that I really was falling for the way that the infatuation affected my body chemistry (i.e. why it felt/feels like an addiction). Anyways here is it http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80308

 

 

 

At least your recognize the fact that your behaviour is self destructive and wrong. That alone really says something about you as a person. I hope you can get through this and be happy.

 

Thanks, I hope you are right about that saying something about me. I'm really trying to get through this and be happy! Thanks

[grateful]

Grateful - I want to remind you that EVERYONE makes mistakes.

You need to understand why you did what you did, and I strongly recommend therapy. But instead of beating yourself up over it, use it as a life lesson. Don't hate yourself. After you learn the why, and brand yourself with it (so you don't need to repeat this lesson), then forgive yourself and move on.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Thank you target-d. That's excellent advice. I know that when I beat myself up about things, it can lead to more self-destructive behavior (and the quick fix of calling an OM is too too easy).

 

I'm working on the 'why.' That seems to be the key.

 

Thanks again.

[littleroom]

Thanks for your email. I've jotted it down because the mods are likely to remove it.

 

I don't want to presume to tell you how you feel but I found this post helpful when I was overwhelmed by thoughts of the OM... it is a post about breaking up but the part about dopamine helped me understand that my attraction to the OM was like an addiction. I knew I wasn't falling in love, which was why it was easier for me to see that I really was falling for the way that the infatuation affected my body chemistry (i.e. why it felt/feels like an addiction). Anyways here is it http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80308

 

 

Thanks Grateful! Very interesting. Considering my first love is Psychology, I have been analyzing everything.

 

--- littleroom

[booker]

hi all. reading this thread inspired me to become a member of your little community here. recently i've gone and strayed....strayed from the girl that until now i thought that one day i could---and would---end up marrying. her and i, we're in a long distance relationship right now; she went back to her home country but three weeks ago. and in no time--three weeks!--i went out and did the deed. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't looking for it, which bothers me. i think half of what i was doing was seeing how far it would go with this other girl, the kind of girl that under normal circumstances i wouldn't even think about getting down with. add alcohol to the situation, subtract all inhibition and moral judgment and you end up with the situation i'm in now. another thing, too, i don't feel guilty about it. perhaps i've convinced myself that the only reason i ended up sleeping with this other girl is because we were both insanely drunk. that's partly true, i guess. i mean, her guard was down and my usually sheepish demeanor when it comes to the mating game was unusally enhanced. or else i just didn't care.

the girl i slept with was a friend of mine--not a close one, but we had something to build on--so now i think i'll lose that connection as well as the connection with my girlfriend. i've made up my mind not to tell my girlfriend. the straying, it was a mistake, a slip-up, an err, a transgression. it wasn't worth the dreadful repercussions that would most likely result from a confession over SKYPE. something that scares me, too, is that i wouldn't put it past myself to stray again sometime....it's not that i'm a bad guy, a serial cheater (at least i don't think i am), but lonely, vulnerable. at least i hope so, b/c i would hate to think of myself as anything else.....(-_-)

they say that *things happen for a reason*, do they not? i wonder if my straying from the girl that i love is *nature's* way of telling me that she isn't the one; were she the one, no notion of straying would have entered my mind. i don't know how valid such a statement is, but it's something i've considered....

thanks for reading.

[catgirl1927]

Don't blame nature. That's lame. You cheated because you wanted to. Now decide if you did it to hurt her. If you did, then I'm sure you'll stay and lie and do it over and over. If you didn't, you'll end it so she can be with someone who deserves her.

[grateful]

hi all. reading this thread inspired me to become a member of your little community here. recently i've gone and strayed....strayed from the girl that until now i thought that one day i could---and would---end up marrying. her and i, we're in a long distance relationship right now; she went back to her home country but three weeks ago. and in no time--three weeks!--i went out and did the deed. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't looking for it, which bothers me. i think half of what i was doing was seeing how far it would go with this other girl, the kind of girl that under normal circumstances i wouldn't even think about getting down with. add alcohol to the situation, subtract all inhibition and moral judgment and you end up with the situation i'm in now. another thing, too, i don't feel guilty about it. perhaps i've convinced myself that the only reason i ended up sleeping with this other girl is because we were both insanely drunk. that's partly true, i guess. i mean, her guard was down and my usually sheepish demeanor when it comes to the mating game was unusally enhanced. or else i just didn't care.

the girl i slept with was a friend of mine--not a close one, but we had something to build on--so now i think i'll lose that connection as well as the connection with my girlfriend. i've made up my mind not to tell my girlfriend. the straying, it was a mistake, a slip-up, an err, a transgression. it wasn't worth the dreadful repercussions that would most likely result from a confession over SKYPE. something that scares me, too, is that i wouldn't put it past myself to stray again sometime....it's not that i'm a bad guy, a serial cheater (at least i don't think i am), but lonely, vulnerable. at least i hope so, b/c i would hate to think of myself as anything else.....(-_-)

they say that *things happen for a reason*, do they not? i wonder if my straying from the girl that i love is *nature's* way of telling me that she isn't the one; were she the one, no notion of straying would have entered my mind. i don't know how valid such a statement is, but it's something i've considered....

thanks for reading.

 

I bolded the red flags I see in your post. As someone who's strayed, it may seem hypocritical of me to point these out, but I don't think you are approaching your relationship and this transgression as someone who truly wants to fix the problem. You seem to be looking for reasons to cheat again. Either get out of the relationship, or figure out why you did what you did and work to never do it again.

 

I guess I'm wondering if you are really, per the thread title, trying to find you way back?

[booker]

thanks for pointing that out. honestly, i really don't know what's going on inside this little brain of mine. i imagine the drive to stray in the first place is indicative of a relationship that i shouldn't be in in the first place. and the fact that i could see myself doing it again reiterates that point. i guess some reevaluating needs to be done, yes?

[littleroom]

another thing, too, i don't feel guilty about it.

 

Whoa! That little sentence struck me because I said the exact same thing recently about me kissing this OM. I said that I felt bad, but I didn't have any regrets. When I thought about it later I thought, "what the hell was I thinking... I feel horrible about it!"

 

--- littleroom

[littleroom]

thanks for pointing that out. honestly, i really don't know what's going on inside this little brain of mine. i imagine the drive to stray in the first place is indicative of a relationship that i shouldn't be in in the first place. and the fact that i could see myself doing it again reiterates that point. i guess some reevaluating needs to be done, yes?

 

First and foremost Booker you should know that in no way is your situation being judged. In my situation I can say because I have strayed I feel completely stripped down to nothing. I feel like I have abandoned all beliefs that were at one time sacred to me. How does that happen? Its scary how EASY it happens too. You coming on here to talk about it is suh a huge step because it says that you are aware of the the fact that you screwed up. And trying to make sense of it all can completely make you crazy. I hope this forum brings you some solice.

 

--- littleroom

[Chump64]

i imagine the drive to stray in the first place is indicative of a relationship that i shouldn't be in in the first place.

 

 

I disagree with this statement. I think this drive is present in tons and tons of relationshipos, almost like a human infallibility. But not everyone acts on it.

[booker]

i imagine the drive to stray in the first place is indicative of a relationship that i shouldn't be in in the first place.

 

 

I disagree with this statement. I think this drive is present in tons and tons of relationshipos, almost like a human infallibility. But not everyone acts on it.

i don't know if i do either. i've heard it whispered before. hogwash. perhaps.

[booker]

I hope this forum brings you some solice.

 

--- littleroom

it just might, littleroom, it just might:)

[angel15]

Hi. I just wanted to say a big thank you for starting this thread. I have been trying to draw strength from it and sort out my head. I, too, never thought that it was possible to care for or love two people at the same time. I love my SO, who is great, but at the same time, I feel so much for the OM. I know some might say that the OM isn't so great since he decided to get involved with someone who was unavailable, but he was wonderful to me, and I truly believe that he was in too deep as well - we just connected on every level. In fact, he was the one to "re-set" our boundaries to being just friends. But as much as I want to try to continue being friends, I am beginning to realise that I can never truly be his friend unless I accept (as he has) that nothing can ever happen between us. It's like an addition, I just want to reach out to my OM all the time - and now that he only wants to treat me as a friend, I feel guilty and hurt all the time. I think I really have to try NC for real this time. I tried it many times before, but I always fail. I have no excuse, he's moved to another country, and if I stay off Messenger, I will have no contact with him at all. I know I have to re-focus my energy and time on my SO and stop thinking about what could have been. I also know that the right and proper thing to do, if I valued what I have with my SO, is to stop initiating contact with the OM.

 

So anyway, just wanted you to know that I, too, am struggling, and that this thread helps (a little).

[littleroom]

Hi. I just wanted to say a big thank you for starting this thread. I have been trying to draw strength from it and sort out my head. I, too, never thought that it was possible to care for or love two people at the same time. I love my SO, who is great, but at the same time, I feel so much for the OM. I know some might say that the OM isn't so great since he decided to get involved with someone who was unavailable, but he was wonderful to me, and I truly believe that he was in too deep as well - we just connected on every level. In fact, he was the one to "re-set" our boundaries to being just friends. But as much as I want to try to continue being friends, I am beginning to realise that I can never truly be his friend unless I accept (as he has) that nothing can ever happen between us. It's like an addition, I just want to reach out to my OM all the time - and now that he only wants to treat me as a friend, I feel guilty and hurt all the time. I think I really have to try NC for real this time. I tried it many times before, but I always fail. I have no excuse, he's moved to another country, and if I stay off Messenger, I will have no contact with him at all. I know I have to re-focus my energy and time on my SO and stop thinking about what could have been. I also know that the right and proper thing to do, if I valued what I have with my SO, is to stop initiating contact with the OM.

 

So anyway, just wanted you to know that I, too, am struggling, and that this thread helps (a little).

 

I am so glad it helps you. Everytime I check back to this thread I gain a little bit more strength, a little bit more confidence in the fact that I can rebuild my life because of the stories that everyone has shared. It's good to know that I am not alone in my situation and I draw strength from that.

 

Thanks for the response Angel.

 

--- littleroom

[grateful]

thanks for pointing that out. honestly, i really don't know what's going on inside this little brain of mine. i imagine the drive to stray in the first place is indicative of a relationship that i shouldn't be in in the first place. and the fact that i could see myself doing it again reiterates that point. i guess some reevaluating needs to be done, yes?

 

hey booker. littleroom and Chump64 have given you very good advice. I agree with Chump that straying doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't have been in the relationship. It does mean you need to do some soul searching (and here I am giving myself this advice as well) and some reevaulating to figure out how to be better in the relationship, how not to do it again, how to strengthen yourself and your relationship against transgressions.