RecordProducer Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 My husband's niece is 15. Her parents divorced when she was 2 or so. They got joint custody. She has lived here and there. But she doesn't have two bodies so she has to have a primary residence, although she catches the school bus from either house;. Since nobody ever told her which home is her home, she considers them both her homes. the truth is - neither is her home. She has lived with her dad on and off and same with her mom. She has moved from one place to another depending on who pisses her off less at that moment, her personal needs, and moods. She is a very sensitive, extremely intelligent, artistic, and eloquent girl. She responds in high emotional ranges and her sweet, delicate nature needs to be treated with a lot of tenderness. Her parents hate each other and don't talk to each other. They don't intend to correct their relationship for the sake of their daughter. She has problems and they are solved now, but they speak of the fact that something is wrong. She writes poems about how senseless life is. She told me that one day she had suicidal thoughts. Her mom is married to another man and has a son with him too. Her dad (my BIL) is married to a woman who doesn't love her. She is forbidden to communicate with her grandma, because she took her without their permission once to another state to visit the 3rd brother who doesn't talk to my hubby and my BIL also! She did the wrong thing, but she lost her grand-daughter. I've had some "stretching between my parents" when I was a kid, since my parents are divorced, and it was very, very hard, but this is a hundred times worse. I would love to help her, but everything I do is used against me so my hands are tied. E.g. if I would invite her to hang out with me, they (BIL and SIL) would say: "Why didn't she invite the SIL's daughter?" (And no, I can't invite them both - it would mean that we can't talk about anything since the other girl would tell ehr mom everything). This girl loved me very much at the beginning and then all of a sudden, for no reason, stopped coming over and being so sweet to me. I know her brain has been washed or she has been ordered to stay away from me. The other day, her mom was at my door and I invited her in. I didn't know they were all enemies to each other. SIL calls BIL and BIL calls hubby to tell thim that the girls' mom is here. Hubby calls me and tells me to kick her out of the house. I say I can't and hang up. But this woman figured what was going on. I think this is all ugly and I don't understand why I am expected to be sweet to my SIL (but not to my MIL or this girls' mom) while they are all living in such hostility, divided in groups - if you belong to one group, you are not allowed to associate with the other groups. And this kid is in the middle of ALL groups and very unhappy. IMHO, joint custody is not good unless the parents have a great, friendly relationship. But how many really do? This girl moved to her dad's house a week ago, which is next door to our house. Do you have any ideas of how I could invite her to hang out with me without causing s*** from SIL and BIL? I don't care about their s***, I can't wait for them to provoke me so badly that I have an alibi to f*** them off, but this girl won't benefit from that. I think she needs a female figure to help her go through the hard puberty period. Someone not so biased and closer to her age - like me. Someone who has gone through a s***ty childhood herself...
jonesgirly Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 God, adults act like such selfish asses sometimes. They should'nt even be allowed to be parents. My daughters' father and I divorced with joint custody, and I made certain that she never felt any 'pull' from either side, maintained a healthy relationship with her father, etc. It is truly amazing how some people become so damned petty when its really all about the kid. Anyway, I think it would be very meaningful for her to have a friendship with you. I remember when I was younger and my parents were having a 'rough spot'. There was a certain female teacher that took special interest (in a healthy way ) towards me, and made me feel like I was 'important.' I will never forget her, and will always be grateful for her small acts of kindness and personal attention. I'm not sure if your niece is still in school, but maybe it would be an 'accident' if you were outside when she returned on the bus (or arrived home) from school. Wave her over, and just shoot the shi! You can let her know she's got a friend 'in you' by telling her so. Let her know she can come over and yak with you anytime she'd like. Sometimes just knowing that somebody notices you and sincerely cares, is enough when you're a teenager.
Roo-bie2 Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 When adults cannot act like adults there is no good solution..... Many kids just as much in sole custody cases don't blame it on the custody determination. Sole custody could mean you have no access to her at all and your brother only gets her every other week end.
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