memphissouthernbelle Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I have been reading this board for a few months and it has really helped but I am getting to the point where I feel I need to share my story. A little over a year ago my MM started working with me. We both work in the entertainment/music industry and started out discussing our personal lives etc. I have a little girl who is 5 and he has a little boy who is 2. Well after a while we started talking about more personal stuff like the relationships we were in. I was dating a guy at the time who was addicted to internet porn and who had stopped wanting to have sex with me. He told me that he was going through the same no-sex thing with his wife but that she was addicted to beer and some damn alien forum where she was a moderator or something. (Of course I shrugged that off at first as a load of sh*t.) J and I along with our partners all met for the 4th of July fireworks last summer. It was weird. His wife was very plain and looked much older than she really is. J is such an outgoing guy that I couldn't believe that his wife was such a stick in the mud. Don't get me wrong...I think she is a good person but just sort of strange. My ex was there with me (current man at the time) and we just sort of watched our kids play together and didn't talk much. A few months later my ex was out of town and J came over to hang out and drink some wine and we ended up having sex. I had never cheated on anyone in my life but had lost all feeling for my man so I said what the hell. We were just helping each other out. We continued just f*cking for a few more months. I know we both enjoyed each other so much but we were both too scared to say the love word I think. We were both trying to play it cool. You all know how tough it can be. My ex and I broke up and J's best friend decided to have some crush on me so I figured what the hell. WORST MISTAKE! J was cool through the one month thing but J and I still had sex since I just couldn't make myself sleep with his best friend more than a few times. It felt so wrong. After I fixed that whole thing J and I were back to our normal and very happy routine. Since we work together four nights a week it is easy to see each other. His wife doesn't even seem to care that we get off at one and he doesn't come in until four a.m. or after, EVERY NIGHT. J and I got pregnant. I thought my whole world was ending. We had actually stopped having sex after our weekend together while his wife was out of town. BOOM. Pregnant. I ended up opting for a medical abortion. I wanted the baby so bad but I knew that it would be unfair for my child. I don't think I could do it again. J actually had to babysit my daughter for me to go to the clinic and his wife decided that she wanted to come over too. UGH! She has showed up with her husband very few times at my house so I just about fell out. J knew then that it made me very uncomfortable being around her. I am a very open person naturally and this whole thing is new to me. The abortion was very tough and painful. J told me that he would support the decision for me to keep it but at the time I was so stressed and depressed I don't think I believed him. My mom had to come into town and help me get through it. I knew if I asked J to be there he would find a way but I was feeling guilty and wanted my mom instead. After a few weeks I decided that I was better and that J was never going to leave his wife for me so I was going to start flirting with men and eventually dating. I didn't want to, but felt that I had to. J was in tears one night. He just lost it. He told me that he felt so bad about everything that had happened because he loved me so much. We went to the park after work and talked for hours. We both feel like we finally found "the one." We ended up having sex after our talk right there in the middle of the park! Well, at least it stopped the tears. After that (March/April) we I think just gave up and started being comfortable with being in love with each other. I told him that I didn't want to force him to leave his wife. If he left his wife it was going to be because he wanted to. I also expected him to take good care of her if he did decide to leave. I don't want anyone else and we are as happy as can be when we are together. We text and talk and hang out without any interference from his wife. It is like she doesn't care. Well she drinks so much daily at home alone on her goofy faux-intellectual science/alien forums she probably doesn't even think about all the time we spend together. J said last week he is working out all of the details about getting his wife enrolled in college or something so she has some sort of skills. I think that is a good idea. He said he promised himself a few years ago that if things weren't better by the time of his 30th birthday that he was going to leave her (which is in November.) They went through counseling years ago and it didn't help. I really do think she is just a lost cause. No ambition, no life, wears his clothes, smokes cigars, reclusive, not interested in sex, alcoholic, etc. J said that they have had sex only a very few times in the past five years and that she just doesn't want to. She and I are polar opposites! I have made my own promise to myself (and I intend to stick by it) that if November comes and goes with no change I am going to end things. At that point this mess with have been going on a year and a half and it is just not healthy to have no end in site, whatever that might be. This man is my soul mate. He has been with his wife since they were both very young and I think that they have just grown apart. I know her pretty well so I can make that call. She is idealistic and doesn't live in reality. He says that he knows he wants out he is just trying to work everything out. The women on here have been an inspiration to me during the tough times of my situation. I hope that I can help some of you.
makerm4me Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Your post was full of love and the trials that go with it! How is it going for you now? I was wondering, if his wife is not participating in the marriage why does he stay? I realize that it is your side of the story but it sounds like in this situation, she could care less what he does or who he with? SORRY to hear about your loss! I have had abortion and it was the hardest thing I have ever done! I will never do it again, ever!
Author memphissouthernbelle Posted June 4, 2006 Author Posted June 4, 2006 Thank you makerm4me for your response! Well I really thought it was going well for a few days (as in him feeling strong enough to leave.) Last night he came by though after he dropped off some beer and the laptop computer for his wife. He worked all day and that is all she wanted from him. He told her that he was going downtown to do something for the club we work at but instead came to my house. She called while we were watching a movie and wanted him to bring her some black and mild cigars. She smokes them from morning until night. She has a car so I can't figure out why she couldn't have gotten the beer and cigars for herself earlier in the day but whatever. I think he relapsed into that "guilty" mode. He was telling me last night that he feels like he has screwed up my life, taken advantage of me, blah blah blah. My read on his words was that now he has shifted his loyalty back to W for whatever reason. UGH! I am sure all of you women know the rollercoaster that is involved in these kind of situations. I read on her alien forum thing that she is happy in her marriage and feels safe, secure, and permanent. She doesn't talk about it a whole lot though. J feels responsible for her since he has always taken care of her...even though she is a mess. Hell I have no clue what is going on today. Very few phone calls, no lovey-dovey text messages, or anything that fills our usual day-to-day routine. I'll keep yall posted though.
zarathustra Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Thank you makerm4me for your response! Well I really thought it was going well for a few days (as in him feeling strong enough to leave.) Last night he came by though after he dropped off some beer and the laptop computer for his wife. He worked all day and that is all she wanted from him. He told her that he was going downtown to do something for the club we work at but instead came to my house. She called while we were watching a movie and wanted him to bring her some black and mild cigars. She smokes them from morning until night. She has a car so I can't figure out why she couldn't have gotten the beer and cigars for herself earlier in the day but whatever. I think he relapsed into that "guilty" mode. He was telling me last night that he feels like he has screwed up my life, taken advantage of me, blah blah blah. My read on his words was that now he has shifted his loyalty back to W for whatever reason. UGH! I am sure all of you women know the rollercoaster that is involved in these kind of situations. I read on her alien forum thing that she is happy in her marriage and feels safe, secure, and permanent. She doesn't talk about it a whole lot though. J feels responsible for her since he has always taken care of her...even though she is a mess. Hell I have no clue what is going on today. Very few phone calls, no lovey-dovey text messages, or anything that fills our usual day-to-day routine. I'll keep yall posted though. I have a couple questions. Where do you want the relationship to go? What do you expect from this relationship with him?
Author memphissouthernbelle Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 I really want to have a long term relationship with this man and marriage. He knows how I feel and he wants the same thing. We both want more children. We both love the children we already have. Our kids are best friends. If it does work out in in my favor I know that we will be so damn happy it will just sicken everyone! Some days I just don't think that maybe he wants it bad enough. He talked about being weak tonight because he was unsure on how to proceed upseting his whole life. I told him he was not weak but was STRONG because he manages to work and do all of the chores at his house, he is the primary caregiver for his son, deals with an alcoholic daily (wife), and stays late nights with me after work. All of that is very draining and I told him only a very strong man could do that because I damn sure couldn't and wouldn't. I don't buy into the excuses. I think that he should talk to her but they barely speak or see each other. When he does see her she is usually already drunk.
movinon05 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Not to change or skew the subject but, WHO is taking care of that little 2 yr old boy? I'm having horrible visions.
Author memphissouthernbelle Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Well, actually I watch him quite a bit and so does his grandmother. The W usually waits (according to J) until after the little boy is asleep to hit the beer. She then proceeds to hit is pretty hard and fast. I worry about the little boy a lot. I think that it is one of J's biggest concerns that she will use him leaving as an excuse to drink more.
movinon05 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Well, actually I watch him quite a bit and so does his grandmother. The W usually waits (according to J) until after the little boy is asleep to hit the beer. She then proceeds to hit is pretty hard and fast. I worry about the little boy a lot. I think that it is one of J's biggest concerns that she will use him leaving as an excuse to drink more. Then he should take him with him. I come from a family of alcoholics and a marriage from an alcoholic. You learn that you cannot control them and you have to stop enabling them. You said he dropped off beer to her with the laptop. He's enabling her.
movinon05 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I just took a shower after posting and this was all I could think about. I started reliving my past. Let me tell you a few stories. Early in our M, I fell down half a flight of stairs rushing to answer the door at 5:00 (his brother was there to pick him up for work). I could not get up or walk to the door nor could I wake my H up. He was passed out on the couch. I finally got him awake, he went to the door, told his brother he wasn't going to work, and then when back to the couch, while I lay there on the floor. I waited 5 hours for him to come around to take me to the hospital. I was on crutches for days with two very badly sprained ankles. One evening I had severe stomach pains to the point I thought I needed to go to the ER. H was passed out. Couldn't wake him up. I called my neighbors. He took me to the ER while his W stayed at my place in case the kids woke up. When she finally got my H awake the next morning at 7:30, she told him I was in the hospital. He said, "This better be something." As it turned out, I had to have a gall bladder operation. When we were separated going through the divorce, he had the kids half the time. I can't count how many times the kids got locked out of the house and had to call me or crawl through a window to get in because he was passed out. Or how many times he never heard the phone when they called him for a ride. I was getting calls all the time. Thankfully I lived nearby, so they were always coming to me. But it was hell. Never knowing what would happen next. I envision this little boy waking up in the morning with a nightmare or being sick, and there's no one there to help him. Sorry about the skewing, but this is just sitting in my gut right now.
Author memphissouthernbelle Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 Hey girls and boys, I haven't been on the computer in a while due to internet fraud. (Been sort of scared!) I am at a friend's house right now so I thought I would share an update To movinon05: MM and I have had long discussions about what is best for his son. He is determined to make sure that this woman chills out on the drinking when s*** goes down or else he is going to try to get custody which I think is the right thing to do anyway. MM said last Thursday night that he has already started saving money to cover moving expenses, deposit, utilities for a few months, etc for W. She can't stay in the house they are in alone because it is in a sketchy neighborhood. I wouldn't want any woman and child in that area alone. He also explained in greater detail some of the things he dreaded. MM said that about a year before he met me that he told W that he was going to leave and she made this huge last ditch "SUPER WIFE" effort for a few weeks and he knew she would do it again when he told her he was leaving. I don't think many men realize when women do this so I am really happy that he knows this! He wants everything (money and so forth) in place when he does tell her so that he can try to avoid the embarrassment of her trying to win him back and him having to over and over tell her IT IS OVER. He mother is an alcoholic too with nothing but a tiny apartment so W can't just go stay with her. I told him my concerns about the holidays like Christmas etc coming up. I know that when he tells her that life for everyone is going to be stressful and painful and I want things to have settled down for everyone's sake (especially for our children) before the holidays. He tells me now that I am everything he wants and I do believe him now. He seems a lot stronger than ever. I hope that it all works out. He did say that if he left immediately it would be bad for his son without a plan and I have to say I agree with him. For a little while I just didn't see him taking any steps to leave but now he is working all of the time to get things together for us. Of course there is no date yet...but I'll try to keep you updated!
Author memphissouthernbelle Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Well J was supposed to tell his wife either today, tomorrow, or Sunday. I haven't heard from him since noon. His W took their son to the park. He said she knows something is up because she has been moping around the house for the past two days. He ALWAYS calls or sends me text messages throughout the day so I don't know what is going on. This waiting thing is killing me. I have a few friends over at my house and I am so out of it that I can't really be much fun right now. One of our friends saw J out with his W today picking up a check and said J looked really stressed out. (This guy friend of ours knows about the affair.) My back has been killing me from all of this stress. I just want to know something! J said last night he wasn't going to make a promise that he would tell her this weekend but he felt sure he would. This is the first weekend in over two months that they have both been at the house together. I hope my story helps some of you ladies out there. I promise to post something else when SOMETHING happens!
Author memphissouthernbelle Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 J did tell his wife last night! She actually asked him after he started the "I want a divorce" talk if he was having an affair and he said yes and of course she made him feel like s***. She takes no responsibility for the failure of the marriage. He said she was piss drunk so he didn't get far with making arrangement ideas on living etc. They were up until seven this morning. I don't know what will happen next but at least I am know that everything is out in the open. I have been tired of living a lie. Hopefully she will leave me alone but since she is nutty I doubt it. I know lots of people who have known her since she was in high school and everyone says that she is a completely different person now. Hopefully she will use this as a lesson to better her life for herself and her son...but I doubt it. All of her energy is probably going to be spent making our lives a living hell and seeking negative attention for herself. Good luck to all of you with your situations.
Author memphissouthernbelle Posted July 8, 2006 Author Posted July 8, 2006 Well, I have now officially been cast into the ranks of the discard pile. I also found out yesterday I was pregnant again. He told his wife I was pregnant and they decided that they are gonna make the marriage work! He came by last night and told me. That morning he was still saying over the phone that everything was fine and how much he missed me and loved me. He had never expressed any doubt about ending the marriage to me before this. I was in too much shock last night to even cry but woke up this morning crying. It is like waking up to a living nightmare. Just two days ago he sent me an email saying "life is too short and I want to spend the rest of it with you." He showed no emotion when he came over and didn't even try to hug me. I asked how he could say all of the s*** he has told me and he said "I meant it at the time." He was like a completely different person. He just kept saying "I'm sorry" and "I'll do what I can for the kid." He said that he is giving his wife one last chance. I feel so used. I was just a game piece he used to get his wife to stop drinking and start paying attention to him. All of our friends are floored. They have seen the whole thing go down since most of them live on my street. Thanks everyone for being so great. I am gonna try to sleep some more.
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