lizad Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Hi there, I have posted here before so I'll give you the short of it......had an affair with a MM for two years, I too am a MW. Started the A, for many different reasons and have since worked out my issues and marriage couldn't be better. Except...and that's a big except, I wasn't able to let this OM go completely.I would say every month during this two year period, I have tried walking away only to go back. I was not looking for him to leave his wife at all as I have told him on numerous occasions that I am not leaving my husband. His story (and who knows how truthful that is) is that he got caught about 7 years ago having a very short fling and although still married, his wife has never forgiven him. he is a very controlling person. I think that she is with him b/c of the kids, financial reasons and what not. He claims they have not slept together in over two years, which I have a hard time believing, even though I have heard conversations between them and such. I have always told him that I could never trust him, he needs a lot of attention and has a lot of woman "friends". anyway.....the last few months I have seen him sparingly and dont even know why I have been b/c the relationship only causes me aggavation. I even said to him a few weeks ago that I have to work so much harder with him than my own marriage...... so you ask, why even bother??? that is a question I have asked myself for weeks now.... well, I spoke to him about a week ago and he said something like " no one can ever compare to you......I don't know why I can't get over you, I even tried" when I asked him what that meant, he said that his sister mentioned someone was attracted to him and he talked to her and they e-mailed but it was nothing. I needless to say was like, you've got to be kidding me, am i supposed to be flattered. he just didn't get it. he thinks that talking to woman about intimate things does not qualify as "cheating" not to mention that while we were still "together somewhat, even though we were prob. in a period of NC that his behavior is acceptable. It was at that point that I said to myself........this is it once and for all. I wrote him and said that he made me sick....that he would never be a part of my life again and that one day maybe his wife would be as smart and throw him to the curb like I was now........ I cancelled my e-mail, he wont call my cell anymore b/c since switching plans, all numbers how up on my bill so we stopped using my cell a while ago.... lo and behold a few days ago, my phone at work rings and when I pick up I hear "do you still hate me"..........I guess I can't blame him b/c I have tried NC multiple times before....anyway, I just hung the phone up without responding and have not gotten another call since........... I know so deep in my heart that this is the right thing and that I have been so lucky to have not ruined my marriage because of it....... so, when do you stop thinking about this person even knowing all the faults and bad stuff???? It's like I wish a few months would have passed already........anybody out there know what I mean???? Just looking for some support and thanks for letting me vent........not too many other places to be able to share this..........
Walking away Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 NC, NC, NC. I was in a month of NC with my xMM and a tremendous amount of healing occured in that month... Now, he contacted me yesterday and wounds were opened, but not to the degree that I expected. I got taken down emotionally because he contacted me at a time in my life where other things were swirling out of control. I have to believe that if I weren't so stressed and hurting by OTHER issues, his contact would barely have phased me. The only way to really get him out of your system is to stop the contact indefinitely. It is hard, but once you make up your mind....it is easier to do. And I learned this the hard way....only when YOU are ready to institute and stick with NC will it work. It must be when YOU can't take it anymore. And when YOU are prepared to spend the rest of your life without him. Any other way won't work. Good luck... WA
lovernotafighter Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 it's true WA, I finally really had enough, and got full NC. I must say though I still think of my MM everyday.but I feel so much better not excepting scraps any more and always being disappointed with no matter what he gave me. though it has been long enough for me I know NC is the only way to go.
Guest Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Lizard! Thank you so much for sharing your story here...and let me applaud you! As I was reading your post I was going "yes!" "yes!" "attagirl!". Be very proud of yourself, do something good for yourself, celebrate your liberation from a truly toxic situation. Your MM sounds like he's comfortable in the cesspool and addicted to drama. Yet, he is a coward, afraid to let go of a marriage - and not man enough to honor and dignify his wife by letting her go - although, she may have her own issues too that keep here there...so its not for me to comment on his relationship - this is about YOU! No contact! Please pick up Rhonda Findling's book "Don't Call That Man". NC not only gets easier over time...but it is empowering, it is liberating, validating, and clarifying. Over time you will wonder why you stayed so long and what you ever saw in him. Stay strong girl! Laura
movinon05 Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Wa is completely right. It is only when YOU decide to NC and stick to it, that you can move on. It will be hard at first. But as time goes by, you will think of him less. Its been 18 months for me, but I still think of him everyday, sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Its hard to just not think of them at all. There's too much history not to. We were "together" for 7 years. We live in the same town. Everywhere I go, there is some memory. Every road I travel in my area, there is a memory. Almost every song I hear reminds me of him. I know that at some point there will be a day that I don't think of him, and then two and three. But the only way that will happen is if I move away from here which I cannot do yet. Doing things for yourself and focusing on your life, your H, your children, things you enjoy, whatever, is the only thing that will help you to see that life can go on, even if sometimes you look back and its bittersweet. Once you have more of the happier times start to accumulate, it will get easier. As I read all these threads about newer NCers who keep falling back, I can only think that I wish they would stick to it and give it a chance. Because it is possible to go on.
Author lizad Posted June 3, 2006 Author Posted June 3, 2006 thank you guys (girls, I should say lol) for responding.......I keep asking myself why I needed this man in my life.....def. in some part an addiction.....It's funny b/c when I think about that I liked that I rocked his world and how good it made me feel that he would "ache" for me and drive the 3-4 hour drive just to see me for a half an hour.....the truth is, he would cheat on me as well and if I ever became his primary relationship, I have no doubt that it would not be enough for him. He is a very very needy man..... I agree who knows why his W stays with him knowing all this but you are right, that is their problem. My therapist who I used to see had asked me why it wasn't enough for me that my husband adored me.....why did I always need more.... I guess that is something I have always needed but less and less lately and realized it was time to put my energies into my marriage and not some OM. I am not going to beat myself up but when I look back over the last two years and how much of a priority I made this OM, I get sick. He even said to me the last time e spoke, that I have been "looking" for something to end it with him for good. Maybe he was right. I know this person so well, all the faults, etc.... and I still somehow didn't want to walk away completely.......I think I needed to be ready and it's been coming for a while..... I just want to move on and make this a distant memory. thanks so much for responding and listening........
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