jenniferlm Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I've been dating someone for three years now. Everything was great until a couple of months ago. He started acting a bit distant, not calling that much anymore, and going out with his friends and not inviting me along. We finally had a talk, and he tells me that he doesn't see the relationship going forward due to the fact that I have a 5yr old son, and while he thought he could deal with it, now he's not sure. He also says that we don't see eachother very often... I bring up the fact that he shouldn't have been making me do all the work to keep this relationship together over the past couple months. He seems really upset, and says this isn't about him not loving me...that he still does, blah blah. Then, I told him that it's not that often that people break up when they still love eachother and that all relationships need work in order to succeed. You can't expect a relationship to work if you're not willing to work at it. He agrees that he hasn't been trying to keep in contact with me, and that perhaps if we started spending more time together again things would change... Problem is...this is a week ago now...and I really don't see him putting any effort forth. Should I bring up that he's not holding up to his end of the bargain? In the past we've had problems with his inability to communicate, which leads to him feeling like he doesn't want a relationship. We've worked through it before...but this time somehow it just seems worse.
9Lives Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 probably the best thing to do is give him the gift of missing you. He already knows what you want and the problems you are having. You dont have to be rude or mean just less available. This will give both of you time to think and sort thru feelings. It is obvious he is going thru something and you pressing him is not going to help. Very hard to do but you have to in order for him to go in the right direction. You have to lead him there or else he is going to take you in the direction you dont want which will be less fulfilling. You cant force him or manipulate him, you just dont go along with the new program agenda and see if he wants to do things differently then. be unpredictable for a change
Guest Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 I don't think the gift of "missing you" will really work here. It wasn't working all along when you, apparently, were not spending a whole lot of time together. The best thing that you can do is initiate a conversation. Levle the playing field, and don't use fighting words. Tell him how you are feeling, and gently remind him of the previous conversation. Then you can both discuss the steps that you need to take to gradually get your relationship back on track. The key is to avoid making accusation, or constantly saying "YOU...". It is always better to say "we"... by including yourself, it takes all the blame and wrong-doing off of him. As far as the child goes, that's a whole different story. His sudden revelation that he can't deal with it is more than strange. Perhaps someone has been feeding him some junk. In the conversation you have with him, open yourself up, and let him know that you really want to hear all that he has to say and all that he feels. Ask him to tell you exactly what it is that he cannot handle and what brought it to the forefront. I hope this helps. good luck!
Author jenniferlm Posted June 4, 2006 Author Posted June 4, 2006 It's seemed to work. I've been going out with friends and he seems to be getting kind of well, insecure about it a bit, and his attitude towards me is beginning to change. He's very jealous of a friend of mine who is very successful and smart. When he found out I was going to meet this friend and a girl friend of mind out for a drink his face kinda fell! He couldn't believe I was going to leave and not try to hang out with him all Saturday night. Gave me a kiss goodbye really sweetly, and looked kinda upset and surprised. He even sent me a text later letting me know where he was going (in case I would meet him there. I didn't), and then one later on in the evening telling me he was on his way home. I don't understand this guy. He hasn't wanted to talk in weeks unless I dragged conversation from him, and today on the phone, he asked me where we went last night, who we saw, etc. It was the best conversation we've had in months. He was like his old self again, asking me about things, and talking about things going on with him. What bothers me is that it took getting him jealous over my successful friend to get him to appreciate me.
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 He doesn't want to be 'too' serious with you - Yet at the same time he doesn't want to 'end' things with you either. He's mixed up abit and maybe needs some time to figure out what he really wants. I can understand his reservations because of your child. He needs to think LONG TERM here, and if he isn't willing to be a step father - Then it's time to say goodbye... Keep doing what you're doing. Enjoy his company but don't count on him for a serious thing right now. Let him figure it out. Oh and trust me, the more you go about your own life without him, he WILL react and talk to you. Like he's feeling leftout or something...
Sleeps w/Butterflies Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Hi jenniferlm, You are doing the right thing, continue to go forwrad and enjoy yourself. Don't push him on anything let him come back to you naturally. Your child is five which means when your bf came into the picture your child was just two, which means that he has watched him grow throughout the years. He knew from the beggining you were a package deal and he accepted it now all of sudden he is unsure, to me I think he is making excuses. Perhaps he is at a point in his life where he is thinking about something more serious with you but is unsure. Give him time and space i.e don't call, don't ask for dates etc. Be distant yourself. I know it may sound like a game and some may suggest direct confrontation however at this point that wont work. Once you are sure where the relationship is going or where you are standing then you can calming go over things with him. Good Luck!
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