eyeswideshut Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Last time I spoke to him was Sunday. He phoned and told me that the only reason why he went back to work on his marriage was because he was lost (i feel like I keep repeating myself, but he lost his brother and consequently, quit his job) and couldn't deal with a divorce right now. Anyway. I told him that no matter what it is he's feeling, that his wife should know this. and that it is unfair to her, to just "be there" if his plan is to leave her in the end, when he's stronger. He was devastated, and realized how selfish he was being. HIs phone call came after a friendly and supportive NC email I had sent him a week earlier. He didn't ask about the email, he said he understood what I was doing and although it was hard, and he wanted me there for him, he knew it was hurting me, and he didn't want to hurt me. Anyway. He's broken all his predictable contact rules. No more Tuesday calls, no more Thursday night emails ranting about their weekly date, no more Friday questions about what I am doing over the weekend. It just stopped. I know it's the first week, but it's really weird. All this silence. I wanted to break NC just now, but I can't. I need support. please tell me all the reasons i should ignore his calls especially when his wife will be out of town for three weeks.
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE. 2 minutes or an hour of feeling good IS NOT worth the pain you will feel later. End result is, he isn't going to leave her. Atleast not in the near future. Don't be there for him. He has his wife to talk to. It's time he started talking to her and letting HER be that person - Not you. I'm sure your heart hurts and that sucks. Just know that it's the right thing to do, for YOU. Allowing this to go on is only doing more damage to YOU. Cry, scream, yell. Get it all out. For you, this is a turning point, so be strong. You can do this!!! Just will take time to deal with the loss and the saddness but you will get over him. Everytime you feel the urge to write him or talk to him - Post here. Someone will talk you out of it... Hey, during those 3 weeks his wife is away - Why don't YOU go away as well for afew days? Make a trip with some girl friends or visit your family. Or get someone to stay with you so you're not alone and tempted if he does call you. I hope he doesn't call you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But that would be the best for all of you right now...While she is away, he just keeps busy and goes on...That way too, you're not put in a position where saying NO might come real hard for you.
Jessie61 Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Anyway. He's broken all his predictable contact rules. No more Tuesday calls, no more Thursday night emails ranting about their weekly date, no more Friday questions about what I am doing over the weekend. It just stopped. I know it's the first week, but it's really weird. All this silence. I wanted to break NC just now, but I can't. I need support. please tell me all the reasons i should ignore his calls especially when his wife will be out of town for three weeks. EWS, I have been there, done that etc.... I know how horrible it feels! BUT PLEASE DO NOT BREAK THE NC!!!! Yes, you will feel great for a little moment, but then you will feel as hurt and confused as you did before. Breaking the NC will perpetuate the OW situation that you are in. The only way that you will know one way or the other what his true intentions are, that is to keep the NC. He will stay with the W and let you get on with your life, or he will leave her. But he will do nothing while you are still there for him.... Stay strong! You know you can do it!!!!
zarathustra Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 EWS, I have been there, done that etc.... I know how horrible it feels! BUT PLEASE DO NOT BREAK THE NC!!!! Yes, you will feel great for a little moment, but then you will feel as hurt and confused as you did before. Breaking the NC will perpetuate the OW situation that you are in. The only way that you will know one way or the other what his true intentions are, that is to keep the NC. He will stay with the W and let you get on with your life, or he will leave her. But he will do nothing while you are still there for him.... Stay strong! You know you can do it!!!! one reason: Short term happiness for long term pain. I know how you feel. Hugs.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 Something funny just happened. My sister asked me to take care of her baby tonight, because she was supposed to go out with my cousin tonight (he had asked her a week ago, but wasn't sure Friday or Saturday). Anyway. I told her I had already made plans for Saturday so she better make sure it's tonight. And she was whining that she doesn't know his number at work so she'll only know last minute. i know my MM knows his number at work because it's on his cell phone and I was soo tempted to call him to ask him. Then I read your "incredibly enlightening" emails. And made one phone call to her, and said I'll do whatever SHE wants. And I unhooked the phone and now I am resuming to my wonderful day off. That will be my trick. just unhook my phone. and try to get through at least this month of NC. It's sooo true. Nothing has changed since March when he told me he would try to work things out with her. NOTHING. So I am going to do something about it, and no matter how painful it is, I am going to refuse all contact with him. You girls rock. If it wasn't for those emails, i think I would have definitely caved today. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 You're welcome! Stay strong. Remember now - YOU are incontrol of how things go - Not him.
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 Yeah, just two minutes of bliss after a week of NC, that's all I was getting. I would have been so much better with NC right off the bat. I would have been three months healed. Now I'm only 1 week healed. But I keep thinking. With all the infidelity going on around us, I in no way want to perpetrate it any further. When I was with my fiance, for 8 years, he was so against infidelity. I got sufficiently bored with his predictable nature, but when we broke up, he still had a hard time getting back into dating because he said he always saw me as his wife and wouldn't want to cheat on me, even when we were no longer together. I deserve a MAN like that. Maybe my MM had a lot of great qualities that I was looking for, but in the end, he was a cheater. So it deletes everything else. I think now I am learning and will be better equipped for the next man that will come along. I am invited to a BBQ at a parent of one of my students' home one Sunday in June. I live about 5 minutes walk of a very rich area of the city, so my workplace is in a very rich place. (not that i care about money one bit). Anyhow, these ladies who are inviting me, are about my age 30-40, and have been wanting to set me up with their brothers, cousins, friends, etc... Every week, they kept coming up with new ways to set me up with someone, because they thought I was a great catch. Anyhow. I always refused, telling them I was "avoiding men" at the moment, without telling them my real story. Well, guess who's going to a BBQ in June????!!!!!?????! :laugh: :laugh:
bevybaby Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 How are you doing...I'm 48 hours into my first bout with NC...I feel like I want to throw up. Not just because I told him I needed to walk away, but now he's complying so maybe he never cared in the first place....I'm soooooo sad....will it get better?
lovernotafighter Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 How are you doing...I'm 48 hours into my first bout with NC...I feel like I want to throw up. Not just because I told him I needed to walk away, but now he's complying so maybe he never cared in the first place....I'm soooooo sad....will it get better? my first bout with NC with only lasted a week I felt like you and my MM did in fact get sick at work..but this like our 4th and hopefully final NC and believe me this time I feel really great about it..so trust it will get easier you have to really be ready for it. EWS you go to that BBQ and have a blast you deserve it!
bevybaby Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Thanks LNAF...it's a little better this morning. I just have to make sure I have a prupose EVERYDAY. Stay strong!
movinon05 Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 Thanks LNAF...it's a little better this morning. I just have to make sure I have a prupose EVERYDAY. Stay strong! I haven't had a chance to read your story as of yet. But just remember that your purpose is to be happy. And you have every right to be happy. If not with MM, then someone else. You need to give yourself some time. I'm out of my A for 18 mo. I can tell you it does get better. I will try to look back and see your situation. If I can be of help, I will certainly try. And if you have any questions, feel free.
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