1AQUARIAN Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Looking for some advice on my situation. STBXH and I have been separated for almost 4 months. He has continued to put most of his salary in the bank, and I pay all the bills. He sees the kids when I work. I've written about this before, but things have gotten out of hand! He comes to the house, makes himself at hime, even goes as far as cooking dinner for him and the kids! Wouldn't bother me so much if he didn't go through my things. (My dresser, my papers, etc...) In fact this last week, he "found" a folder I got from a ending relationship support group. There was a paper with all the members names and phone numbers.he had the nerve to write his name and number on the list! So, not only did he go through my things, but he made sure I KNEW it! He also took two wedding pictures off the wall from our bedroom and took them. THEN, the next evening he proceeded to call my cell every minute litterally! I was on the phone with a friend for almost an hour and the call waiting kept breaking in and I rejected the call...he called 46 times in that hour! And then continued to call the house, my cell,my daughters cell.......I did call him and told him, I didn't want to talk to him right now and when I did, I would call him. But he just kept calling! To the point where I took my two kids out to get away from the phone. At one point, as he continued to call my cell phone (I left it on, as I was expecting a call from my therapist) my son just kept hitting the reject call button and then he answered the phone and told my husband I didn't want to talk right now, and that he was upsetting him and his sister and would he please stop calling. Well, he didn't. I had to take my house phone off the hook, and leave my cell off. When I got up in the morning he apparently called at 2AM and 6AM.AND he also called my daughters cell phone at 1AM! I spoke with him briefly the next day as he called me FROM A DIFFERENT NUMBER! Said, "he had to talk to me and he knows I won't answer the phone" He asked if I have a restraining order on him, as He came by and there were cop cars in front of my house and down the street. No I don't, but I didn't tell him that! I don't know if that is even true..or maybe he has been driving around by the house and one of my neighbors called? I don't know. I almost feel like a prisoner in my own home! That next day, I had my blinds closed and kept looking out the window thinking he would come by! He has never touched me in our 25 years together, but since we separated his anger is out of control......Oh and I didn't mention.he is an alcoholic. I think the times he does this he is probably drinking. and I just am now "afraid" of what he'll do next. Does anyone have any advice on how I can handle this? I did call the police when he did this a few weeks back with the phone calls.and they basically told me "as long as he hasn't been physical, or made threats there is nothing I can do". If I didn't have two teens at home, I think I'd just leave! I live in Florida and there is no legal separation here. So, he DOES have the right to come in the house unless divorce says differently. However divorce doesn't happen overnight. I have gotten a lawyer and have "started" the process. Do I have to deal with this for months until the divorce is final? Any help would be appreciated.
jerbear Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I do not know what to suggest other than changing some your cell phone numbers and buying two safes. One safe is a "dummy" while the other is real to keep some of your personal papers, personal in a very obscure place. work, car, kids room, etc... Changing phone numbers for your kids to keep them sane. However, one number, yours may need to be kept around just because he is the father of the kids. Changing the numbers and removing all contact can actually provoke him. Since he really has not threatened you or hit you but the fear is there; I would suggest contacting your friends to see if they can take you and kids in for a few days. Maybe even ask your lawyer if a restraining order can be placed on him because of his temper & alcohol mix.
RecordProducer Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I wouldn't call him a stalker. I think he is just taking the separation too hard. The more you reject him, the more he will chase you. He looked through your things, because he is afraid that you might have someone else. Many people get obsessed by their exes when they get dumped. He is still in shock. If I were you, I would talk to him. Explain to him that you WILL talk to him if he doesn't stalk you, that you will call him back as soon as you're available. And keep your promise. Do call him and explain to him that it's over. Console him. The sad part about being abandoned is that you get no consolation from the person who left you. You love them and they keep hurting you even more. Just try to understand him and be nice to him. He is cooking dinners because he wants you back. Tell him that it was very nice of him. Let him know calmly and friendly that it's not necessary for him to look through your things, because he won't find anything interesting there. Be civil and kind. Everyone is responsive to that. Take him and his pain seriously, but don't patronize him as if he is retarded or anything. This all will pass, but it takes time. I think you will benefit more from being nice to him and he will eventually leave you alone. Your constant rejection makes him angry and his anger, combined with the alcohol, makes him obsessed with you. You are untouchable for him so he is trying to reach for you in any (im)possible way. If you're more available for him, he will see that he doesn't need to torture you to get your attention. If possible, organize short brunches for all of you every weekend so he can feel less rejected. You might even become friends. In any case, you'll get your freedom back if he knows that he can call you anytime and even see you once a week. You may also tell him that you will communicate with him only if he is sober.
Craig Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Your attorney should know what to do. First thing I'd suggest is a "chill letter" from your attorney to your STBXH. If that doesn't work, there should be (I don't know FL laws) various levels of contact orders available to you that can limit what your STBXH does. If he violates the order then I believe he would be arrested. Even though he is your H technically there should be legislation covering what a separated spouse can and can not do. Harassment is certainly what is going on and again your attorney should know the laws in FL and advise you what your options are. You mentioned that he hasn't made threats but threats can be made without words as well. In the FL laws there should be something that covers situations where you are in reasonable fear for your safety, someone else's safety or potential destruction of your property. Your attorney should know all this stuff, like instantly and not have to look it up or consult with colleagues. Keep us updated on what you do regarding your STBXH's actions. Best of luck.
Author 1AQUARIAN Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 Thanks for the replies. It wouldn't work to change my number or block him, as he then just calls from another number. I DO have safes in my home, but I like the idea of the "dummy" safe. I plan to drop papers off to my lawyer tomorrow, so I'm hoping I can get a few minutes with her to discuss these things. I appreciate all your ideas...thanks!
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