Story of me, age 34 and ex, age 67, why he won't apologize and give closure

[Guest (female 100)]

I want to ask your general feedback on my break-up story which was extremly painful. I'm way over it now, have another boyfriend who is fantastic, but I am still having problems dealing with my ex when I see him becauase I feel he acted in an unacceptable manner after the break-up and I feel he should apologize to me.

 

So here's the story:

Last year I was 34 going out with this retired massage therapist who was 66. We really "clicked" because we had many common intersts, both Jewish background, and were both into "new age" stuff. He was into meditation and I had studied Eastern philosophy... Anyhow, in the beginning I thought he was too old for me and told him we would just be good friends. He told me he really wanted a child because all his siblings had passed away and he had a house in Israel plus other assests here which he wanted to leave them to a child rather than his nieces and nephews.

I became seduced by this idea and somehow I became attracted to him and we became intimate. I remember after the first week he decided not to use a condom and told me, "I'll be very happy if you get pregnant". He said he'd never felt so close to any other women before. He'd never been married before either. Well about a week later he decided to use a condom, and this really upset me because I'd never "opened my body" to someone before like this in hopes of getting pregnant. I was very hurt because I thought someone that age would know what they wanted. I think if you decide to not use a condom you should stick to that, not go "backwards.."

Well, this caused a rift in our relationship, but we eventually got over it and I reluctantly gave into his wanting to wait a bit. He is a very peculiar man in that he has a special diet of vegetables which he tries to stick to. ONe time I wanted to cook for him and he made such a big deal about me cooking at his place it was ridiculous. I said, "if we are going to have a family we will have to eat meals together sometimes. YOu can't live like you are alone if you have a child."

He was worried that if he didn't like my cooking I'd be insulted. I couldn't believe that he made such a big deal about it. In the end he liked the food. This is just one example of his rigid personality.

 

Well, we were together not long, but it was very intense. I went away to Europe for a few weeks to give him "space" and when I came back we got into a phone arguement that stupidly escalated. I was supposed to see him the next day, but he called me and told me he'd been up the whole night, hadn't slept and his blood pressure had risen so he didn't want to see me and he'd had "enought". I panicked and started crying and he hung up on me saying it was finished. I called and called, but he wouldn't answer so I drove to his place, rang the door and he never answered, but I saw thru the window that he was there in his little bachelor place reading. So I climbed over the fence and tapped on the window. He got angry and told me he didn't want to see me. I begged, crying, pleaded for him to give me another chance, but he stubbornly refused, telling me if I didn't leave he'd call the police.

The caretaker of the building saw me and I sobbed and told him what had happened and he said, "He should be lucky to have someone so young and attractive like you." So even the caretaker was on my side and let me in the building. THe caretaker tried to talk to him and persuade him to see me, but he refused. HE told the caretaker he'd call me in 2 weeks.

 

Anyhow, I was a total wreck after this incident. Never in my life had i ever taken psychotropic medicine, but I begged my doctor to give me some to take away the pain that wouldn't go away. I lost my appetite, lost weight, was crying all the time for weeks.

To add injury to insult, my ex gave my stuff to a mutual friend whom we both spoke to regularly. I used to go to these Friday night dinners at a Jewish place regulary and my ex went a few times, but then after the break-up he started coming to these places and ignoring me! It was sooo painful. He started showing up at all these Jewish events. It was horrible! I would leave crying.

One time my friend urged him to meet with me because I was so upset, and he did with the 3 of us. I told him I wanted him back and missed him and he said he still had "residue" of the time I had come to the window, but that maybe in 6 months or a year we would "see" but right now he couldn't.

 

For months afterwards I'd see him at these dinners and it would hurt because he would avoid me. It seemed like he was interested in everyone else but me. Our mutual friend tried to to "everything" possible to convince him to go back to me, but he'd tell him he needed time to be alone and would see later.

 

Well, I wrote him letters apologizing for my behavior that one day at the window, I tried everything to no avail, yet he still wanted a child and I knew the chances of him finding another young person interested would be so slim.

 

To get over him I went to Asia for 3 months to teach English. I never contacted any of our mutual friends the whole time i was there. I sent him one email from Hong Kong and a Chinese New Year's card with nice words.

 

When I came back last March he had gone to Israel and I was happy to be in my city without worrying about bumping into him at events.

I wrote him a few emails, one where I thanked him for "giving me the opportunity to go to Asia. (This is where I my current boyfriend). He never answered these emails, but I wrote them to show I was stronger.

 

Well, he came back 2 weeks ago and our mutual friend told him I wanted to meet all 3 of us to have a final closure, but he didn't want to and started complaining about how I couldn't "let go" and had sent emails. (YOu'd think he'd feel lucky that someone like me would still even give him a thought)

 

Anyway, I bumped into him last week at the Jewish Community Centre. I was saying hi to a friend and when he saw me he turned away. I bumped into him again later coming out of the washroom, so I said, "HEllllllO!" in kind of a mocking voice, then said "ish tipesh" (foolish man in Hebrew) and walked away. I then saw him again coming out of a room and this time I said, "a**h***" and walked off.

 

Later when I got him I left him a message on his answering machine (which I hadn't called since we broke up!!) and told him he was a coward and that he had no idea how much he'd hurt me the way he'd acted after the break-up. At one point I said, "you're almost 70, grow up!" Basically I just expressed myself with anger for the first time since because I felt strong and didn't feel the need to "walk on eggshells" like I'd done all those months following the break-up in hopes to get him back. I said, " I can go where I want, I can talk to who I want and I can do what I want, so don't complain about me to my friends, if you have a problem speak to me. I want to forgive you and myself and I wish you all the best."

 

Well after this he told my friend that I'd harassed him and that if I called again he'd call the police. I never threatened him. all I did was express myself and he has no leg to stand on as I didn't call 50 times a day. Just one long message. My friend told him that he'd really hurt me and that all I wanted was an apology from him. He told my friend he didn't want to tell me in person, but that he was "sorry" and told my friend to tell me. My friend and I don't think he was sincere and just doing "lip service/"

 

I almost wrote him an email telling he had no right to "oppress me from expressing myself" but I didnt'.

 

I want to ask you what you think of this situation and why he can't face me and just look me in the eye and say sorry.

Yesterday I was at the JCC and saw him at Israeli dancing. I didn't go up to him or speak to him, but at one point I saw him talking to a woman I know, so I went up to her and said, "Hi Rita" and she hugged me and then he stormed off angrily. Rita laughed (she doesn't like him) and said, "Look at him!"

 

DO you think I'll ever have peace with him? I've been able to have reconciliations with all my other ex boyfriends. WHy not with him??? (thanks for reading this!!)

[Guest (female 100)]

Any feedback or comments would be GREATLY appreciated.

 

 

Thanks

[SoleMate]

The thread is so long that people get scared away. If you could summarize, it would help get responses.

 

I want to ask you what you think of this situation and why he can't face me and just look me in the eye and say sorry.

Well, I could guess at the answer, but I would prefer to suggest that you decide NOT to ask this question anymore. His behavior appears illogical...so what? Are you going to make it your life quest to understand this nutjob?

 

Just ignore him, try NC (no contact) and cognitive therapy to get over him. Any closure will have to come from within YOU. Don't beat your head on this brick wall trying to get it to change its nature. It's a waste of your precious time.

 

Next time, next man, please start the r/s differently, really get to know him, and don't be "seduced" into providing a child and heir to someone unless your REALLY know him and there is a valid commitment, e.g. marriage.

 

Good luck!

[prfrogkisser]

Often when things dont work out the way we had hoped theres a reason that we dont understand at the time but becomes clear down the road. You need to let go of this man. Sometimes things happen that we cant explain or understand but we cant keep holding on to them.Concentrate on things that can build you up and encourage you. Dont put your energy and effort on this man that has stolen your dignity and drain your spirit. He is not worth it. Dont let him manipulate you by lowering yourself.

I can understand things better if i have a reason but i sometimes have to put these things in a special part of me that tells me not to worry because i cant have all the answers.

 

Dont let this tear you down anymore.Its time to move on.