Was I lied to or did I screw it up?

[overseas2004]

A few months ago I met a guy on the internet. He lives in Europe but I travel there often for business so I decided to write back to him. We wrote back and forth for a few weeks and then he invited me to meet him. I agreed and I flew in and spent two weeks with him.

 

The two weeks were very nice. It went pretty slow and until the last two days nothing really happened except that we were getting to know one another. I had an inkling that he liked me but he didnt really show it. Since I was about to leave I said something to the effect that I really could not be friends with men. At that point he told me that he liked me and that he was attracted. We spent the next two nights in bed together but we didnt have sex. At the end of the trip he told me that he really liked me. He said "I know its soon but I am 39 and you are 38 and I think we both should take this relationship seriously. He suggested that I get AIDS tested the next time before we see each other again. I asked "what if i get pregnant"? He said "I have nothing against it, in fact I think that I would like it".

 

In the time that we were apart, I got frustrated because he really wasnt calling me that often. I called and texted him more often. We touched on this subject in a joke. I wanted to keep it light at first without accusations. He opened the subject up more and I told him that it bothered me. He told me he was bad about calling all his life but that he would try to improve.

 

We saw each other again fairly quickly. I was in between business trips again and so I spent a week with him in his city again. This time was flawless. We ended up sleeping together and I stayed at his house. This time he told me. If things keep going this way, we need to start making plans for one of us to move. We also talked about children and marriage. I was really starting to fall for this guy.

 

We were apart for a month this time. And that was hard. At first he called regularly but then it slowed down again. I maintained contact once a week but not more than that. So it would not seem that I was desperate. He did call here and there and sometimes sent text messages but it was pretty infrequent.

 

When my next business trip was planned I called to tell him that I would be arriving. He was excited. But my trip later got moved for two weeks later. When I told him that he said that "our seeing each other may be problematic because he had a female friend who was dying in france and he felt he may have to go be with her". I tried to be understanding about this as well although I did not like the female friend idea.

 

When my trip was finally cleared. His trip ended up evaporating and he waited for me at the airport. I stayed with him again. At teh very moment I arrived at his house he told me "I know you are anxious for us to make our plans and so I think that you should move in here in September and we should start making our wedding plans and move on with our life". I asked him "do you want me to give up my job". He said "yes, your job is too stressful for a family life". he quickly added "if you dont want to give up your job, I can move to your city, but I will let you be the judge of that.

 

My job is too stressful for this. I started looking for work where he lived the very next day.

 

That night when I arrived he had sex with me and it was unprotected sex. I was ovulating that night and I was pretty happy since I thought we would start having children. He however pulled out at the last minute.

 

I got pretty angry and I told him that. My main argument was that he had made so many comments about us getting married and having a family. And that I had gone through an AIDS test so that we could have unprotected sex. I told him that in the future if he isnt sure that we are getting married he should not make comments like that and that our relationship should slow down.

 

He got angry too. And he told me that he wanted to have children with me but that he had never said we would start tonight. He said "we need to spend more time together". I told him that I agreed but then that he needed to cut out the comments about us getting married, having a family, and everything else. We calmed down after about 15 minutes and the rest of the trip went well.

 

I drove to my next business trip it was about four hours away. I work in weird places. This business trip was in Kosovo. So its dangerous somewhat. I sent him a text message when I arrived. Later that evening I got a text message from him which said "did you arrive ok, is everything safe". I took that to mean that he wasnt getting my messages. So I sent him several text messages through my USA mobile. He didnt answer for 24 hours, so I finally called. When he said he got my previous texts and did not have time to answer, I got angry and told him that I had thought we solved our previous communications problems.

 

The next day he told me he needed time to think about everything. And he said he would call me in three days. He didnt .. I had to call him. Then he told me we were breaking up. I tried to talk him out of it but he was pretty adamant.

 

I saw him again this past monday. He told me that the reason he broke up was that he had had a ten year relationship that was pretty bad. He said they fought often because she was jelous and angry. He said she hit him. He said that he had flashbacks during our fight and that he was worried that our fights would be like the ones she had with him. I tried to tell him that this wasnt fair. And that fights are ok in the beggining. This is how people actually get to know each other. He finally agreed to talk to me about it again. He said we just needed a week or two to think.

 

I am so devastated.

[Walk]

How long have you been seeing him? From when you first met him, not when you first talked to him on the internet.

 

Couple things. Did you tell him you were ovulating and that you were going to attempt to get pregnant that night? Had he mentioned he wanted to have kids prior to marriage with you? Had he said he wanted unprotected sex with you so that you could become pregnant, or just because it felt better then sex with a condom?

 

Personally, I think you pushed for too much too soon. No matter what he had said, he hadn't said he wanted it right that second. Only that he wanted it in the future. And you should have discussed your thoughts on the pregnancy thing first before getting upset with him about pulling out. I don't think it was very fair of you to jump him for it, when you hadn't explained what was going on in your head before hand. That's kind of like asking him to be a mind reader. Not that you're to blame, because I think the both of you caused this. But as far as your part in all of this, these were the things I thought may have caused enough problems for him to distance himself.

[overseas2004]

Wwe had been seeing each other for two months. I did not necessarily want to get pregnant that night. But I got angry because I took his behavior (pulling out) as evidence that he did not mean what he said about family and life together.

 

I was nervous because I wasnt sure that he meant what he said. ANd I also was upset that he did not call often. I just didnt trust him.

 

When I talked to him about it. I told him that it was ok that we did not have children that night. I told him I wasnt necessarily after that now. BUt that is unfair of him to keep saying that we should be together and have a family when he still wasnt sure.

[overseas2004]

Also he said he wanted to have sex with me without a condom because he wanted to feel me completely but he also said that he thought that we werent getting any younger and should focus on having children.