Vensula Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 My wife and i have been together for 8 years, married for 3 years. a few years ago my wife had an affiar with a guy we knew. I had found out about it, they had already stopped the affiar and mostly broken off contact. I felt like we had work through most of and were moving on together. A while ago I had turned on my wifes logging in her Yahoo msger to finish reading a converstaion about our kids she was having with her sister. when i read the logs i found out my wife has been performing "webshows" for men online. i confronted her on it and she fessed up to parts of it. later i went back and read all of her logs to find out what exactly was going on. i found she had switched to MSN for what ever reason, but i also found out there was A LOT more going on during the shows than she had fessed up to. we had gotten into a HUGE fight about it, during the fight i also found out she had had a one time thing with one of the guys. this put me over the edge so to speak. to some up the next part of the story, i felt like if she wanted to do "shows" i'd do a show with her, i invited most of her msn list to the show where basicly i compleatly sexually humilated her. rationally looking back i know this was horrible, but at the time i wasn't exactly rational. now she's angry and betrayed because of what i did to her, i'm angry and betrayed because of what she did to me. she wants space to figure if she wants to try and save our relationship, i want to sit and try to talk things out. We reached a compermise to sit down on sunday (my next day off) and talk. anyway, basicly other than venting, what i'm looking for is how do i approach this with her? thanx for your time and help! ~vens
Author Vensula Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 what i mean is, how do i move forward? we have a "date" on sunday where we will go someplace with out the kids to talk for a while. i really want to save the relationship even if it's gonna take a long time to rebuild the trust. right now we work oppisite shifts in order to avoid daycare (a 4 and a 6 year old) so part of me feels like tha's to blame, but at the same time i can't just up and quit my job sicne we need both incomes to stay close to afloat. anyway, any advice would be VERY helpfull. thank you ~vens
norajane Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 My parents worked split shifts like that when my sister and I were younger. It really is rough on a marriage, but they were united in their goals - to raise us as best they could to give us the best chance in life. I'm sure it made their relationship more challenging, but ultimately, they were in it together and tried to find ways to help each other through rather than letting it divide them. They've now been married 39 years. My suggestion would be to tell your wife what you've told us - that you recognize both of you are to blame, that your current circumstances are adding to the distance between you and you'd like to figure out with her how to get things back on track. Identify goals that you share and your commitment to those goals. Discuss specific ways you can schedule more time together...maybe hiring a sitter for one afternoon a week to give you two alone time? Obviously you have to address the online and cheating issues, but I believe those are symptoms of the underlying issues in your marriage rather than the actual problem. Marriage couseling would be a great idea, if you can afford it. I don't know where you work, but a lot of companies have Employee Assistance programs which offer low, or no-cost, counseling on work/life balance and time management and marriages.
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