Continuing NC- Becoming More Difficult

[GW7147]

I came to LS and made my first post at the end of April. I was given some good advice about my break-up and tried to adopt a positive attitude about my girlfriend breaking up with me. In a nutshell, we went out for 6 months. The relationship developed fast and things were going really well. After we got back from a trip to Cancun, she emailed me a few days later, saying she needed to "fix herself" and it was something she needed to do on her own, it wasn't me, it was her etc...She's working her way through the final stages of a divorce. I had a kneejerk reaction and responded by saying "If you don't want to go out anymore, I'll pick-up whatever I have over your house". She said she wasn't wanting to break-up, but we were breaking up now based on my response. Of course, I began to beat myself up and place blame on myself. We had a few emails a week or two after the break-up involving personal effects etc.. and as of May 9th, there has been no further contact. I even went so far, as to staying away from a bar/restaurant I use to go to because, my ex gf's friend works there. It got to the point where, everytime I went in, her friend would tell me about things going on with my ex. I assume she was going back to my ex, saying she saw me etc...although I'm not certain. My ex's friend initially told me she didn't understand what my ex was doing and she didn't agree with her actions or why she was walking away from the realtionship. She said none of it made any sense was afraid she was going to say something to my ex about how she felt. I told her not to jeopardize her friendship with my ex. I ran into the bartender that works with my ex's friend (at a different place) and she walked right up to me asking where I had been. She said she and Kay (my ex's friend) were wondering what had happened to me. I simply told her, I thought it was best I didn't go in anymore. She seemed upset but seemed to understand my feelings. She told me, my ex hasn't been in at all.

I've been trying to keep busy working out, going out with some friends, golfing etc... but, I still find myself thinking about my ex quite often and wonder what she's been up to and how she's been feeling. I wonder if she's completely forgotten about me and what we had together. I know that's probably not a healthy thought process but I keep finding myself thinking about it. I'm begining to feel as if I need to write her a letter explaining how I feel and I always end up stopping myself, thinking "It won't help the situation, don't bother, just leave her alone". I still think about how she felt about me and all the positive emotions she had about us right before she pulled the rug out from under me. I still think she turned her back on the relationship based on my initial reaction eventhough I apoligized for how I reacted.

I guess in the grand scheme of things, It hasn't been all that long since the break-up (going on 6 weeks) but I feel I should be breaking free from these feelings and I should be moving on. It's just not happening. Any thoughts or advise my fellow LS'ers???

[Guest]

It's been 6 weeks for me and i still wonder all those things! Does he miss me, how could he just forget me after fawning all over me.....the bad thing is, I didn't go NC until a week ago. I said I wanted that in the beginning, but he didn't respect that and would send me messages and called me....but every time he did it was for no real reason....and I would get all emotional and worked up (we had a sudden breakup, there was no bad period). Finally I got to the point where I said, you know even if I am hurting, he doesnt deserve to see it. Where has he been on the nights I have cried? He may miss me, I am sure he does (otherwise he's a fool, I am a great person). But you never really know whats going on in the other persons mind. And it can drive you bananas, so you gotta stop. I suggest 2 things:

 

Write an email for closure, if thats all you are seeking. If you are seeking a reconciliation, or to know she cares....its not a good idea. The recon may not happen, and if you know she cares....then what. Your now even more confused as to why your not dating.

 

Make a list of your partners bad points. I struggled with this, bc like I said there was no bad period. Reiterate that list to yourself anytime you get down. Keep it in your pocket. It really helps. You'll get to the point where all the questions you have focused inward on you, will suddenly be anger directed at the other person.

 

Stay strong!

[GB111]

Well, first of all, it's not your fault. One small outburst by you would not be enough to end a relationship if she was fully commited. Sounds like it was headed that direction anyway, so stop beating yourself up.

 

Secondly, NC is different for each person. I only did NC for one month b/c I knew I didn't want to get back with my ex and just wanted to heal. I did that and now I go about my daily routine which brings me in contact with her almost daily. She has chosen not to talk to me; so be it.

 

Depending on your motive, I believe NC can be more difficult than it's worth at some point. If you're still trying to get her back, than you probably want to stick with it, though avoiding people she knows still sends her a message. If I were you, I'd go about my daily routine and just not talk to mutual friends about her. That also sends a message.

 

If you're still pining over her, you just need more time to heal. Acceptance, as difficult as it is, is the only cure I've found. She is gone, and there's nothing you're going to do to change her mind. Terribly cliche, but if she wants you, she knows where to find you.

 

Best of luck. Been where you are and it's not easy. I'm still healing myself, but I'm well on my way.

 

Regards,

 

GB

[GW7147]

Thanks GB,

I realize the concept of NC is to promote healing within oneself however, there are those that believe NC is to try and win the ex back. I would be lying if I said, I don't think or care about my ex, but I don't think I'm using NC to "win her back". I think all of the unanswered questions are what prompt me to think about things. I realize I'll probably always have unanswered questions. That's something I have to learn to live with. I'm not sure if I'm trying to push myself to get over this or if given the amount of time, I'm still where I'm suppose to be. I know everybody's different with feelings and circumstances but wasn't sure if it's still too early for me to be in the "I'm over it" stage. I'm certain I'll make it through (don't have much of a choice). I just didn't think I would start to waver in my thoughts about NC. Her friend has been supportive of me. She was actually angry with the way ex acted. I understand she has to see my ex at sporting activities with their sons. I would never expect her friend to compromise their friendship when they have to continue to see each other on a regular basis. I figured the easiest and most appropraite solution was for me to "bow out". It's easier for me not to hear about the ex and I didn't feel my ex needed to know about where I am or what I've been up to. I'll try to stay on the NC road for my own good and to heal myself. Thanks again for your input.

[GB111]

That sounds great, GW. It's really hard to just give a blanket "NC" comment b/c it really is different for each person. You have to be strong enough to know what is best for you. For me, contact again was the best thing. In fact, now that she's seen me as strong and not mopey, she's wanting to speak with me. Fortunately, I'm past that stage. I don't see us getting back together even if she wants to.

 

Well, GW, you'll know when the time is right. Roll with it until you feel comfortable allowing her back in your life in any regard.

 

Best of luck to you. You'll make it. We all will.

 

Best,

 

GB

[GW7147]

Thanks for insight "Guest"-

I didn't see your post appear until this morning. You raise some very valid points. I had many sleepless nights and lost about 25 pounds. She has no idea what she's put me through. I did write a letter (I actually went to a counselor and was told to write the letter). I was told the letter was fantastic and I should send it when I could do so without expecting a response. I was surprised the counselor advised me to send it however, when I emailed my ex offering her encouragement about her son getting in some major trouble, she never responded. I thought I would just put the letter away. There are a few things I could put down on paper regarding her negatives but, as with you, our relationship was absolutely fine. We had just arrived home from Cancun about 5 days before she broke up. I've tried to focus on the things that did trouble me with the relationship to try and redirect my thoughts. It's worked to a degree. I suppose I'll have to feel this way until I turn a corner and start feeling better. I don't think I can go out and date right now. That's the farthest thing from my mind at this point. I don't want to use anybody as a rebound or compromise my feelings for the sake of getting over the ex. I have to be in the right frame of mind to be dating. I want to go into it with a good attitude. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens. Thanks again.. Any other thoughts out there???

[beriwhit123]

Hi GW,

I am in the same boat as you. I was with my boyfriend 12 years and now he is gone. This NC is very hard, the last time I spoke to him he said he loves me and misses me but he is going to follow thru and stay with her. Why would anyone say something like that and stay away. It kills me. Each and everytime we saw each other we would both cry. The emotional toll on me was devistating. Now with NC I am having problems because I have recently found a lump and need to get it checked and just think why isn't he here for me. I was always there for him. I try to focus on the large family and the support they give me. But no matter what goes on, I think about him 24/7. It helps me to read how other people are making out with the same problems. I wish everyone to end up madly in love and happy.

[GW7147]

Beri,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a similar set of circumstances. I know first hand that it's no picnic. You said you and your bf were together for 12 years, that's a pretty significant amount of time!! How long have you been broken up. How long have you been doing NC? It appears he's dating someone else now. What were the circumstances with that? Sorry to ask so many questions, I just want to understand your circumstances better.

I'm begining to learn that by looking out for myself, I'm gaining more confidence and generally feeling a little better eventhough I think about my ex quite a bit. I started working out again. I use to work out when I was a cop in N.Y. (Long Island). After I broke my wrist in 9 places, I retired and didn't work out much anymore. Not in bad shape but, I'm begining to get back the way I was years ago. I also started riding my bicycle about 20 miles every other day and got back into golfing. It's weird though, I find myself riding my bicycle thinking about my ex and what we had together. At the end of the ride, I usually feel invigorated eventhough I'd been thinking about her.

I think it's best for you to try and concentrate on yourself for now. Attend to your medical issues right now. That's most important. I've had diabetes since I was 22 (19 years). I take exceptional care of myself and have no issues or problems. I can imagine your frustration about your ex not being there for you in a time of need. Does he know about what's going on? When you're with someone and they become a big part of your life, no matter what happens, they are there when you have to deal with things. Unfortunately, your faced with this issue and he's not around. Sounds as if you have a supportive family there for you. that's a blessing. I really don't have much family. My Dad passed when I was 23, I have 3 brothers that I don't speak with (that's a whole different story) and I look after my 81 year old Mom. That's it. My circle of friends is small but, the friends I do have are pretty supportive.

If your ex genuinely gets upset when the 2 of you are around each other, maybe he just needs time. The 2 of you have a long history together. I think you need to concentrate on yourself for now. Chances are he'll be in the back of your mind (my ex is), but at least, you'll be looking after yourself and maybe you get some satisfaction out of knowing you're taking care of yourself and things are being tended to. In the meantime, maybe, your ex, will have time to clear his head and realize what he's given up. Keep me posted and I wish you the best with your health issue. And who knows, maybe we will find ourselves madly in love and happy. I hope so!!!

Regards, GW