Lost

[lost123]

Hi,

It is my 1st time here. I have been reading the messages for few weeks.

 

I am married with a small child. We moved from the US to our home country early last year. I didn't want to move but did it for my husband. Things have not been going very smoothly and I blame him for doing this to me. After we moved back, I started working for a company here and had to travel to the US for work for 5 weeks end of last year. I met a guy there at work who completely sweeped me off my feet. He is also married with 2 kids. We worked together but nothing really happened.

 

I feel the same way for him as I felt for my husband when I met him 14 years ago. I met my husband when I was 17. We were together for 8 years before we got married 6 years ago.

 

I came back after 5 weeks but the project continued for next 4-5 months and I was in regular touch with him thru email and phone(2-3 weekly calls). Our emails and phone calls were personal too. He was my source of inspiration on a lot of things and he was always very sweet and nice to me. But he never showed that he was interested in me as more than a friend.

 

The project ended about 2 months ago but our emails have continued. I am supposed to go the US this month with my husband and daughter. After I told him I will be visiting, he has been very excited. Told me few times that he can't wait to see me. But nothing more. So I don't know if he has any feelings for me or not. He might think of me as just a good friend. I don't know. Maybe I am reading too much.

 

He wants our families to get together and hang out and do stuff as our daughters are about the same age. His interests are exactly the same as my husbands. They are very much alike.

 

I have thought about this guy day and night for last 6 months. I don't want to feel this way. I just want to wake up one day and want everything to go away. I have been totally faithful to my husband all these years and I could never imagine that someone will be able to make me feel like this.

 

I know I will spend the rest of my life with my husband. There is no doubt about that.

 

Initially I thought that this feeling for this guy will go away with time. But it hasn't. And I wish that he feels the same way about me as I do about him.

 

I am totally confused. I really don't know what I want.

 

Lost123

[whichwayisup]

I have thought about this guy day and night for last 6 months. I don't want to feel this way. I just want to wake up one day and want everything to go away. I have been totally faithful to my husband all these years and I could never imagine that someone will be able to make me feel like this.

 

You have the 'beginning crush like feelings' that happens at the start of relationships. Don't mistake that for "love." What you have with your husband is long lasting healthy love. This other man has turned your head and has you feeling 'feelings' you've not felt so intensely for a long time. Again, don't mistake that for something else. Accept that it's there, but don't act upon it. And, don't DISCUSS those feelings with that MM. He is married, has children too, just like you, so I think you know NO good is going to come of opening that door.

 

He wants our families to get together and hang out and do stuff as our daughters are about the same age

 

Don't do it. This "friendship" is not a good thing because of how you feel about him. And if your husband knows you SO well - He more than likely WILL pick up on those feelings and sexual energy between you and the MM. You all cannot be 'friends'.

 

I know I will spend the rest of my life with my husband. There is no doubt about that.

 

Then if you feel that way, you have to detach yourself from the MM and eventually the more time that goes by and you two don't see/talk/email eachother, those feelings WILL go away on their own because you're not feeding them and letting them grow. As I said earlier, no good can come of you being friends with him. Go read some other threads in this section, I don't believe you want to become the OW and hurt your husband, hurt your children.

 

Initially I thought that this feeling for this guy will go away with time. But it hasn't. And I wish that he feels the same way about me as I do about him.

 

IT doesn't matter what he feels about you because you're already married. This is inside your head, ego. The ego wants to know to make you feel good - Does that make sense to you? Seriously, because if this man told you he wants you, loves you and wants to pursue something - What then? You already have said you have no intention of leaving your husband and you want to stay married - What is the point of having another man on the side?

 

The feelings will go away once you two end the friendship. Focus on your work, your husband, your kids. Keep busy and time will take care of getting rid of those feelings for the MM.

 

I am totally confused. I really don't know what I want.

 

You have afew choices here. Find out what is missing from your marriage, what needs aren't being met (maybe it's all the new changes, the move etc.,) and fix them. Either go to counselling on your own or to marriage counselling with your husband.

 

Maybe tell him about your feelings for the MM? That you don't want to cheat, but you're confused? Either way, I hope you make the right choice and really think about your future, your kids and all the consquences of your actions IF you pursue the MM. Remember how much you have to lose if you decide to have an affair.

[lost123]

Thanks for your reply, whichwayisup

 

I think I have already hinted to the MM about my feelings. Well, since about a month, our emails have included sweet little words for each other. So I thought he cared about me. But now I think about it more, he could have probably said those to any of his close friends of opposite sex. Earlier this week I sent him an email and that had little things which probably told him how I feel about him. And I have not heard back from him. This is not unusual at all as he is always extremely busy at work(he is a VP) and has 2 little girls at home. Now I feel like such a fool. I didn't really mention anything for last 7 months and now I do this.

 

As for the problems with my husband, there is nothing that can't be fixed. It will just take time. I recently was visiting my family in another city and met some guys who are complete jerks to their wives. I realized how lucky I am to have such a great husband. Since I came back I have been really appreciative of him and have spent a lot of time in bed with him:cool:

 

I know my husband will pick up something is off if we do meet the MM and his family. The thing is that my husband is planning to start a business and the MM is also planning to start the same business and they need each other to do it. So I know we will end up meeting because of that. Actually once I was on the work related call with the MM from home(because of time difference) and my husband walked in so I let the 2 of them talk and after they spoke the MM was kind of in awe because my husband was very nice to him.

 

I know if I have to get him off my system, I need to stop all contact with him. He has been a good friend and a source of inspiration in lot of things. Because of him I started working out, started playing some sports, following his advise in bringing up my daughter. Our cultures are very different and he has been very keen to learn about my culture. I don't want to lose him as a friend and believe that he can be a good friend for life. Maybe if I found out that he likes me only as a friend then I can get rid of these feelings and move on. Do you think its possible? I don't think I can stop all contact with him right now unless he decides to do so. I haven't heard from him in a few days so maybe he has already decided NC but I don't think its likely.

 

But if he told me that he wants me, loves me and wants to pursue something - I seriously don't know what I will do. I know it can only be a emotional relationship because of the distance. Sometimes I feel if I knew he liked me, I would lose interest in him automatically. You always want something that you can't have.

[norajane]

He doesn't love you, sweetheart. He has a wife, a job, two lovely daughters - he doesn't love you and has no intention of leaving any of that to pursue anyting with you. The most that can happen here, IF he is willing to cheat, is that both of you cheat on your spouses for while until everybody is miserable and gets hurt...including all of your children.

 

You know that you are the one who needs to let this go, regardless of whether you discover he likes you or not.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your reply, whichwayisup

 

You're welcome.

 

I think I have already hinted to the MM about my feelings. Well, since about a month, our emails have included sweet little words for each other. So I thought he cared about me. But now I think about it more, he could have probably said those to any of his close friends of opposite sex. Earlier this week I sent him an email and that had little things which probably told him how I feel about him. And I have not heard back from him. This is not unusual at all as he is always extremely busy at work(he is a VP) and has 2 little girls at home. Now I feel like such a fool. I didn't really mention anything for last 7 months and now I do this.

 

What does it matter if he has feelings for you or not? Really ask yourself this question. Plus, he is married so he isn't (hopefully!) going to cross those lines. Imagine if his wife read something personal between you two! How it would look. Same goes with your husband. DO you think he'd be OK with how you two are writing to eachother? Do you feel you have anything to hide, like one day he stumbled into your email account...Would you be worried he'd think something was going on between you and the MM?

 

I think you crossed the line abit by letting him know how you feel. That shouldn't have taken place...But, now that he knows - Maybe his silence is your answer. And if he replies but doesn't mention a word about what you wrote to him - Let it go. Forever. Shut the door and forget about it. It means he is not taking that bait and doesn't want to have inappropriate conversations with you BECAUSE of your husband and his wife.

 

As for the problems with my husband, there is nothing that can't be fixed. It will just take time. I recently was visiting my family in another city and met some guys who are complete jerks to their wives. I realized how lucky I am to have such a great husband. Since I came back I have been really appreciative of him and have spent a lot of time in bed with him

Good, then fix them. Focus on just him - You don't need the MM in your life to complicate how you feel. He is not good for your marriage, so you gotta try to not think of the MM at all.

 

I know my husband will pick up something is off if we do meet the MM and his family. The thing is that my husband is planning to start a business and the MM is also planning to start the same business and they need each other to do it. So I know we will end up meeting because of that. Actually once I was on the work related call with the MM from home(because of time difference) and my husband walked in so I let the 2 of them talk and after they spoke the MM was kind of in awe because my husband was very nice to him.

 

Because of this - You two should back off. They are going into business together? or atleast helping eachother out - Then that is reason right there NOT to get emotionally attached - or Physically involved with the MM.

 

Imagine the situation reversed. Would you be upset if your husband had a special friendship with another woman? Whom he confided in, made him feel good and fantasized about her? They'd talk on the phone, email and stuff. No intention of really cheating - But being selfish by allowing feelings to grow. Instead of him confiding in you - He'd be confiding in her - Leaving you in the dark about his deepest thoughts, going to her for HIS inspiration. Wouldn't that hurt your feelings? Wouldn't it make you feel unloved and not needed by your husband? Well, I'm sure this is how he is going to feel about you and the MM.

 

I know if I have to get him off my system, I need to stop all contact with him. He has been a good friend and a source of inspiration in lot of things.

 

I bolded the IF. What do you mean "if" you had to get him out of your system. You DO have to get him out of your system, because if you don't, your marriage is in for trouble and you're going to get even more confused...

 

Because of him I started working out, started playing some sports, following his advise in bringing up my daughter. Our cultures are very different and he has been very keen to learn about my culture. I don't want to lose him as a friend and believe that he can be a good friend for life.

That's fine, but you and I both know there's more to this friendship. It's not the type of friendship that your husband would be comfortable with - Just like you wouldn't want your husband to have feelings for another woman, right?

 

Maybe if I found out that he likes me only as a friend then I can get rid of these feelings and move on. Do you think its possible? I don't think I can stop all contact with him right now unless he decides to do so. I haven't heard from him in a few days so maybe he has already decided NC but I don't think its likely.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks or feels about you that way. He obviously likes you enough AS A FRIEND to have some sort of friendship with you. is that enough? Seriously - Or do you need to know how he feels because you're curious? Ego feed? (I don't mean in a harsh way, it's just ego has alot to do with feeling good and wanting something you can't have - wanting to know but not really wanting that person for yourself - You mentioned that near the end of your post, so yeah, that could be the case here too.)

 

But if he told me that he wants me, loves me and wants to pursue something - I seriously don't know what I will do. I know it can only be a emotional relationship because of the distance. Sometimes I feel if I knew he liked me, I would lose interest in him automatically. You always want something that you can't have.

 

I think it's a dangerous thing you're doing right now. Playing with fire...Be very careful what you want out of this friendship - It may come at you full force and then you're stuck in even more not knowing wtf to do.

 

The part I bolded, are you willing to lose your husband over being emotionally attached to the MM? Having a 'relationship' with him long distance? That's selfish - And it's the beginning stages of fullblown affair.

 

Good luck and I do hope things settle down. You have some thinking to do, sorting out those feelings. You got a good man infront of you (your husband) so don't throw away your marriage by letting yourself fall inlove with another man's wife.

[denverfool]

Hello Lost123,

 

I've been in your shoes and my only advice is to listen to whichwayisup. It's the best advice. I know it will be hard but your relationship will grow stronger. Reinvest your energy/time to what made you fall in love with your husband 14 years ago. Do the little things you use to do to each other before the hustle of a career and children came along. I started by sharing little details about my day with my wife. We really talked about "nothing" but the attention was very well received. I hope the advices you get on this forum helps. I know it will be hard and the first few months will be torture. But you will move on - I promise.

[lost123]

I know what I am feeling for the MM is not right. Otherwise I won't be here. I guess I am here to get support to get over this man. I know its going to be difficult but I will have to find the strength somewhere in me to do it.

 

I would be devastated if my husband felt this way about another woman. If my husband ever sees my emails, he will know instantly about my feelings. I recently changed my password so he doesn't somehow stumble across our emails. I feel so bad for doing this to my husband.

 

I guess it doesn't matter what he feels about me. It's about me. I have to get over him. Period. I have known this all along. It's going to be very difficult. But it has to be done.

 

It is my ego which wants him to like me. It feels good to get attention/appreciation from someone else.

 

I am so glad that this forum is there to share. I was going crazy to not be able to talk to anyone. I left all my friends and my life behind in the US.

[whichwayisup]

Start off by telling this guy that you two are TOO close and that you need to distance yourself from him. Ask him to respect your decision. Hopefully he'll feel the same way and know that it's not right for you guys to develope that bond.

 

The fact you don't want to feel those feelings for him is good. Just keep reminding yourself how much you have to lose if you don't.

 

Focus ALL your energy into your family. Make special time for your husband too!

 

I'm sure it's not easy being away from all your friends and family either, and it takes time to build a new life, to meet new people - Make friends. It will happen though.

 

It is my ego which wants him to like me. It feels good to get attention/appreciation from someone else

 

Yes it does. But in this case, it's dangerous.

Right now it doesn't matter what the MM feels for you because nothing will ever happen. keep that door closed.

 

You can do this, and yeah, it may hurt - But imagine the pain you'd be feeling if you two got any closer? Walk away now while you're not in so deep.

[lost123]

Thanks again, WWIU.

 

I still haven't heard back from MM yet but I know he will email me soon. This has happened few times before when he hasn't replied back to my email so I would generally email him back after a few days asking if anything was wrong. He ALWAYS said sorry for not replying back(same BUSY excuse everytime) and said many nice/sweet things to suck me back in. I don't know why he always kept saying such things to me knowing very well that we both are married. I think I am analyzing everything that went on between us for last 7-8 months.

 

I don't think I can let it go and forget about him just like that. I need closure and some answers. I still think a lot about him but have stopped to daydream like I used to earlier. It is so difficult to get over him. I don't know what I will say when he does email me.

 

I know I have to focus more time on my husband and do stuff to keep me busy.

[whichwayisup]

Don't 'wait' for his email. Live your life and try not to wonder why he hasn't written you back. He's married, he works and has kids...So, I'm sure he IS busy...I'm sure it won't be easy, so just try your best to not let your mind wander to places it shouldn't go...

 

You DO have control of your own feelings and emotions, just have to make the choice NOT to get sucked in when he's being nice to you, or saying nice things and react to it. Maybe right now is a good time for you tell him because you two are married it's not cool to have ANY intimate or overly friendly conversations...You don't have to explain why, he will know. Just ask him to respect your wishes and not say those types of things to you. And you have to do the same thing. Then detach yourself even more from him...

 

Going NC right away is the best senario right now, but it's not possible because of the work/business between him and your husband - SO, stick to keeping contact very buisness-like and non personal.

 

When he emails you back, that's when you tell him what I suggested to you.

[lost123]

Thanks again, WWIU.

 

I am trying to live my life and not think about him. It's very difficult but I am doing fine. Really what else can I do anyway.

 

He still hasn't emailed me back. I don't know what to do when he does. I know he will eventually write.. Do you think he is not writing because I said some things which hinted my feelings (like waiting for his emails and looking forward to speaking to him). He has said the same things earlier to me.

 

I know its not possible to do complete NC because of the business. My husband is not in contact with him. I was working with MM on the business part too. Well the business has not started yet and is in very early stages. So I don't know if I should drop that too with him. I don't want to because he can be a great help and also I am working with a friend of his in Europe on the same business.

 

A part of me wants to let go of him and the other doesn't as I don't want to lose a good friend. Can I still remain friends with him as we have never really crossed any lines and I will be happy with just being a friend.

[stillafool]

Thanks again, WWIU.

 

I still haven't heard back from MM yet but I know he will email me soon.

 

Consider yourself lucky you haven't heard back this gives you more time to reason with yourself that this is wrong and will never work. If he doesn't reply back why email him again to find out if anything is wrong? He's a VP and he probably knows people very well. I bet he knows your feelings and I don't want to sound mean but he might be playing with you. The one thing for sure is it would only be an affair and you will be far more miserable than you are now. Listen to WHICHWAYISUP, Pleeeeeeeeez!

I need closure and some answers. I still think a lot about him but have stopped to daydream like I used to earlier. It is so difficult to get over him. I don't know what I will say when he does email me.

 

I don't understand what closure you need or answers. It doesn't sound like anything has really happened. It seems like you should just go NC with this guy now. Delete any old emails and clean that part up before your husband finds out.

I know I have to focus more time on my husband and do stuff to keep me busy.

 

Definitely. It also sounds like you miss your husband the way he used to be. Have a talk with him and tell him this. One thing is for sure you have to stay busy. I understand how you feel because I'm going through a similar situation and it is hard. You are caught up in a fantasy. You already have the real thing ~ don't lose it. Good Luck!

[stillafool]

Thanks again, WWIU.

 

I am trying to live my life and not think about him. It's very difficult but I am doing fine. Really what else can I do anyway.

 

He still hasn't emailed me back. I don't know what to do when he does. I know he will eventually write.. Do you think he is not writing because I said some things which hinted my feelings (like waiting for his emails and looking forward to speaking to him). He has said the same things earlier to me.

 

I know its not possible to do complete NC because of the business. My husband is not in contact with him. I was working with MM on the business part too. Well the business has not started yet and is in very early stages. So I don't know if I should drop that too with him. I don't want to because he can be a great help and also I am working with a friend of his in Europe on the same business.

 

A part of me wants to let go of him and the other doesn't as I don't want to lose a good friend. Can I still remain friends with him as we have never really crossed any lines and I will be happy with just being a friend.

 

I really don't think you should work with him anymore because you know how you feel and seeing him is going to excite you too much. I would let this business deal go for the good of your marriage and go NC.

[target-d]

He ALWAYS said sorry for not replying back(same BUSY excuse everytime) and said many nice/sweet things to suck me back in. I don't know why he always kept saying such things to me knowing very well that we both are married. I think I am analyzing everything that went on between us for last 7-8 months.

 

I would recommend that you be careful with these thoughts.

It's far easier for us to demonize the other person in these types of situations then it is to look at ourselves with a critical eye.

 

He might very well simply be a nice person who has zero ulterior motives for his friendship with you. So far, according to your posts everything that has been written has been above board. He may not think of you at all in the manner that you think of him.

 

WWIU has given you some excellent advice, I hope you take it to heart.