officespace Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 i wish i would have known, going in, that we were not going to go 'all the way' with the relationship, as we promised. long story short, i was committed to doing just that; he wasn't. honest to god, had i known, i would have never gotten involved. i feel horrible and i know i did a wrong thing. the W got f***ed over, I got f***ed over, and for what? it's such a waste of energy and so sad. i feel regret and shame. i hate it. is that normal for anyone else? i am having so much clarity now. our situation was worst than most. i don't think i have ever revealed this before. the W was pregnant when the A started up. we were together 10 months and saw each other 2 months before she had the baby, although we never slept together during that time. god, i am a horrible person. i think i mentioned this before, but he is a diagnosed narcissist. i screwed up, royaly. i take responsibility for that, 100% okay, and i will have to live with that the rest of my life. with that being said, he had me absolutely convinced that this was not affair. it was a great, live-saving friendship at first, and then once the line was close to be crossed, it was a real thing, THE real thing...I was 'THE ONE", the woman he wanted to without a doubt spend his life with. how could i be so naive? i am a smart, educated woman. it seemed so real at the time. now, it's like a distant memory. i hear thru his friends that he says we broke up because i was pressuring him for marriage. i said, 'pressuring him to marry me or to not be married to someone else? can someone please clarify? LOL" The disconnect between reality and manufactured rationale is....it's just weird. it's been over two months since the breakup. No in-person contact but emails and texts, to be honest initiated by me. when i broke it off, he walked away and basically never looked back. god, that hurts so bad. i have never hurt this bad. i have pretty much figured out that he has someone else, based on mutual friends' comments. maybe the W again, maybe a new girl, maybe a combo of both (last i heard, they were psuedo separated). he never did mail my key or things back to me. no reason why. no answers to requests. just nothing. my best friend doesn't think he is holding on, she thinks he really just doesn't give a s***. that hurts so bad. it's so true. he doesn't feel like a normal person. what was i thinking? what a jerk. i went on vacation (had a trip planned with him to new york, changed my ticked to see my best friend in boston) and had to change my locks right before. when does it get any better? i just celebrated my 33rd birthday and i feel like i wanted to die. no call. i am so in the breakup depression phase, i drag myself out of bed. i know it is THE best thing and i will never, ever, ever go back....but when does it get better? when does this pain fade?
MsColorado Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 You are going to be okay...better than okay...you are going to be wonderful and some day (sooner or later) you are going to thank your lucky stars you were wise enough to bag it with that jerk. Don't beat yourself up over the affair. Everyone makes mistakes and if we learn from them and grow from them than that is when we should forgive ourselves and move on. With the knowledge and experience you have gained from this whole ordeal I have no doubt that you will be able to make sure that the next guy you fall in love with (and I have no doubt there is someone out there just for you) will be worthy of you! For now, cry when you feel like it, scream into a pillow when you want and just feel your pain. Eat a lot of ice cream and hang out with your girlfriends. It'll hurt like hell for a bit but you're going to be fine. Better than fine. You'll be fabulous!
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 i wish i would have known, going in, that we were not going to go 'all the way' with the relationship, as we promised. long story short, i was committed to doing just that; he wasn't. honest to god, had i known, i would have never gotten involved. i feel horrible and i know i did a wrong thing. the W got f***ed over, I got f***ed over, and for what? it's such a waste of energy and so sad. i feel regret and shame. i hate it. is that normal for anyone else? i am having so much clarity now. our situation was worst than most. i don't think i have ever revealed this before. the W was pregnant when the A started up. we were together 10 months and saw each other 2 months before she had the baby, although we never slept together during that time. god, i am a horrible person. i think i mentioned this before, but he is a diagnosed narcissist. i screwed up, royaly. i take responsibility for that, 100% okay, and i will have to live with that the rest of my life. with that being said, he had me absolutely convinced that this was not affair. it was a great, live-saving friendship at first, and then once the line was close to be crossed, it was a real thing, THE real thing...I was 'THE ONE", the woman he wanted to without a doubt spend his life with. how could i be so naive? i am a smart, educated woman. it seemed so real at the time. now, it's like a distant memory. i hear thru his friends that he says we broke up because i was pressuring him for marriage. i said, 'pressuring him to marry me or to not be married to someone else? can someone please clarify? LOL" The disconnect between reality and manufactured rationale is....it's just weird. it's been over two months since the breakup. No in-person contact but emails and texts, to be honest initiated by me. when i broke it off, he walked away and basically never looked back. god, that hurts so bad. i have never hurt this bad. i have pretty much figured out that he has someone else, based on mutual friends' comments. maybe the W again, maybe a new girl, maybe a combo of both (last i heard, they were psuedo separated). he never did mail my key or things back to me. no reason why. no answers to requests. just nothing. my best friend doesn't think he is holding on, she thinks he really just doesn't give a s***. that hurts so bad. it's so true. he doesn't feel like a normal person. what was i thinking? what a jerk. i went on vacation (had a trip planned with him to new york, changed my ticked to see my best friend in boston) and had to change my locks right before. when does it get any better? i just celebrated my 33rd birthday and i feel like i wanted to die. no call. i am so in the breakup depression phase, i drag myself out of bed. i know it is THE best thing and i will never, ever, ever go back....but when does it get better? when does this pain fade? First, happy birthday. Try to enjoy it. I understand how you feel and imagine I will feel similarly when mine rolls around. xMM already told me when it was his bday and the office had a lunch for him that if they did the same for me that he would want to be there. ACK! Anyway, OS, it will get better. day by day, especially if you don't have to see him. I have to see mine almost daily and its like picking on an open wound... healing is so much slower that way... just thank your lucky stars. So, did you get your stuff back yet?
erika2610 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 As with everything, it just takes time. But trust me, it WILL get so much better. Everyone heals in their own way and time. I thought it was the end of the world when I broke it off, but I learned it wasn't It was also worse, because I worked with him. But it didn't take long at all, and I actually was able to get to a place where I could be civil at work with him, and working with friends who were on my side and made fun of him along with me didn't hurt either It helps too when you have family and friends who are there for you when you need them. One day you'll look back on the whole thing and wonder what the hell you were even thinking
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 As with everything, it just takes time. But trust me, it WILL get so much better. Everyone heals in their own way and time. I thought it was the end of the world when I broke it off, but I learned it wasn't It was also worse, because I worked with him. But it didn't take long at all, and I actually was able to get to a place where I could be civil at work with him, and working with friends who were on my side and made fun of him along with me didn't hurt either It helps too when you have family and friends who are there for you when you need them. One day you'll look back on the whole thing and wonder what the hell you were even thinking I also work with my xMM and have a hard time still with it. Its been soooo long since the split. How did you do it, Erika?
erika2610 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I also work with my xMM and have a hard time still with it. Its been soooo long since the split. How did you do it, Erika? Hmmm.. it was hard at first, I'm not gonna lie. But as time went on, it just got so easy. I was a waitress and he was my cook. I had alot of friends behind me, who stood up for me. They'd gang up on him for me But after he quit, he would still come in to eat and stuff. Everytime I looked at him, I would just remember what an ass he was, and how much better I was than that. I just kept telling myself that he wasn't worth my time.. wasn't worth my tears. And I wasn't going to resort to yelling at him or anything like that, that it was easier for me to just walk by him, and ignore him.
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Hmmm.. it was hard at first, I'm not gonna lie. But as time went on, it just got so easy. I was a waitress and he was my cook. I had alot of friends behind me, who stood up for me. They'd gang up on him for me But after he quit, he would still come in to eat and stuff. Everytime I looked at him, I would just remember what an ass he was, and how much better I was than that. I just kept telling myself that he wasn't worth my time.. wasn't worth my tears. And I wasn't going to resort to yelling at him or anything like that, that it was easier for me to just walk by him, and ignore him. No one at work knows about us except for two close friends. I guess that is why I am having a harder time. Good for you, Erika!
erika2610 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 No one at work knows about us except for two close friends. I guess that is why I am having a harder time. Good for you, Erika! Thank you Ya know, like I said, I know it's hard, but it gets easier. Ya just gotta tell yourself how much better off you are when you walk by him. Tell yourself what a jerk he is, and how much better you are than that. Tell yourself you are a strong, beautiful lady who can get any man she wants, and you don't need him anymore
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Tell yourself you are a strong, beautiful lady who can get any man she wants, and you don't need him anymore Thanks... I'm not very strong, and I know I can be stronger. Beautiful? me? I'm not so sure but I have a good to great personality (he told me that he didn't love me at first because I was pretty, but that he loved my spirit... Ok... I'll buy that). Need him... no, I know I don't need him anymore.
erika2610 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Thanks... I'm not very strong, and I know I can be stronger. Beautiful? me? I'm not so sure but I have a good to great personality (he told me that he didn't love me at first because I was pretty, but that he loved my spirit... Ok... I'll buy that). Need him... no, I know I don't need him anymore. You don't need him anymore. Everybody's beautiful.. even in their own way MM suck. They lie, lie, lie. I have been single since my MM.. and that was years ago. But I'd rather be single than be with a big lieface like my MM. Just be strong, and tell yourself how much you don't need him anymore. Do things to take you mind off of it. If you cross paths in the workplace, don't go cry at how much you miss him, like alot of people do. Walk by him with your head held up high, because you're the better person.
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 If you cross paths in the workplace, don't go cry at how much you miss him, like alot of people do. Walk by him with your head held up high, because you're the better person. I do that, I hold my head high, then after he's gone, I run and cry like a baby at times. I'm a big sucker.
erika2610 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I do that, I hold my head high, then after he's gone, I run and cry like a baby at times. I'm a big sucker. Walk by him with your head held high, and then go be proud of yourself that you were able to do so. It'll get easier, trust me.
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Walk by him with your head held high, and then go be proud of yourself that you were able to do so. It'll get easier, trust me. I hope so... doesn't feel that way, but I really hope so. Got a note from him today... we had some adminstrative stuff regarding mail.... told him that I can't really handle the hurt it causes when we have to talk about these things. That it reminds me that it took his breaking my heart in order to figure out the things the meant most to him. I told him that he lied to me from day one. He said, "i loved u and will love u for who u are the rest of my life. I feel very bad about what I did and hope that one day u can forgive me." how do you get over statements like that? How do you remind yourself that he's lying?!?? How do you get over it. I can't stop crying and I really really want to... what a rotten day!!
movinon05 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 This is not about him! It is about you!! You tell him you don't care how he feels anymore. You want only to be spoken to at work when necessary and nothing else. Tell him to stop walking by your office and go the easier route. Tell him he is rubbing salt in the wound. I know you don't want him to know how much this hurts you, but he needs to know. Tell him you don't care if he wants forgiveness. If you do forgive him, it will be on your terms, but its not going to happen while he keeps butting into your life trying to make nice. Tell him if he respects you at all, then he will do as you say. Make it clear in no uncertain terms. Then you ignore him and only deal with him for work. If he doesn't comply, call his wife! Or at least threaten to call his wife!
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 This is not about him! It is about you!! You tell him you don't care how he feels anymore. You want only to be spoken to at work when necessary and nothing else. Tell him to stop walking by your office and go the easier route. Tell him he is rubbing salt in the wound. I know you don't want him to know how much this hurts you, but he needs to know. Tell him you don't care if he wants forgiveness. If you do forgive him, it will be on your terms, but its not going to happen while he keeps butting into your life trying to make nice. Tell him if he respects you at all, then he will do as you say. Make it clear in no uncertain terms. Then you ignore him and only deal with him for work. If he doesn't comply, call his wife! Or at least threaten to call his wife! I need to refocus my state of mind. You are right. I am letting him get to me. I need to regroup.
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