littleroom Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I wondered, do you think that infidelity happens a lot and that people just don't talk about it? --- littleroom
Pyro Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I wondered, do you think that infidelity happens a lot and that people just don't talk about it? --- littleroom There is no telling just exactly how common it is. i can tell you that in my life and my surroundings, infidelity has become increasingly popular. It sucks. I am sure that many more keep it a secret.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 It's everywhere. Seems people give up too easily and want "instant" happiness ALL time. They aren't willing to ride the wave and stick with their partner, work through the rough spots...Too many are impatient and wanting to bail on the first sign of bordem or trouble. I blame HOLLYWOOD! They're a bad influence on the rest of the world.
Chump64 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I've read stats that say 50-70 percent of marriages are affected by infidelity. I think that sounds high, but I easily think 50 percent could be possible. It truly is everywhere. I told my boss; she told me she'd had an EA and also that someone else in our office was boinking a MM.
Author littleroom Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 Yeah, I wondered because I know of two people who have had both emotional affairs that went to a point of kissing and also someone else who was totally involved sexually with someone for a long time. What is weird is sometimes people aren't necessarily unhappy in their marriages when they do this. People stray... and it seems like it is pretty common. I don't know if it stems from Hollywood like whichwayisup said, or if it comes from the need for instant gradification. It's very interesting. I am mainly trying to figure out why people are unfaithful because I am trying to come to terms with an emotional affair that I had. I am trying to make sense of myself. Baby steps... --- littleroom
Chump64 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Littleroom, have you read "Not just friends," by Shirley Glass? You can find it at Amazon. She is one of few psychologists who thinks infidelity can happen in good marriages. I tend to agree with her. I thought mine was pretty good until I found out my husband had a 10 year EA / PA. Jaysus. Hence my name. I do think that people who participate in affairs (especially long term, creating a huge pattern of betrayal and deception) are somehow broken and need to be fixed. I hope my husband can figure out WTF his deal is.
Author littleroom Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 Littleroom, have you read "Not just friends," by Shirley Glass? You can find it at Amazon. She is one of few psychologists who thinks infidelity can happen in good marriages. I tend to agree with her. I thought mine was pretty good until I found out my husband had a 10 year EA / PA. Jaysus. Hence my name. I do think that people who participate in affairs (especially long term, creating a huge pattern of betrayal and deception) are somehow broken and need to be fixed. I hope my husband can figure out WTF his deal is. Thank you for the recommendation. I'll check it out. --- littleroom
MsColorado Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I think infidelity is probably at least in 50% of marriages. Monogamy is difficult. I don't think it's really in our human nature and some people are just too weak. I find that somewhat depressing but as I've gotten older I really think many more people cheat than what I initially thought when I was younger. Plus I think the baby boomer generation started the whole "as long as it makes me happy" thing. No one wants to be judged or held accountable anymore. There are too many excuses and that makes it much easier to feel okay about cheating on a spouse or cheating with someone that is married. Geez! I'm really cynical tonight. Sorry!
Blind Illusion Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I'm not sure of the numbers but it is definitely spoken about more. Also, maybe women are more apt to be unfaithful than in the past.
Author littleroom Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 I'm not sure of the numbers but it is definitely spoken about more. Also, maybe women are more apt to be unfaithful than in the past. I would tend to agree with you on this. And I think that because it is somewhat taboo... that women don't talk about it as much. When I first was married (3 years ago) I believed in marriage and commitment and all of those things. Its strange because a huge part of me believes in that... but life threw me a curve ball and because of my current situation I believe that things like being unfaithful CAN happen in good marriages. And then there is always that deep question about what really IS infidelity? Meaning... is it a kiss, is it sex etc. Some people have different views of that. --- littleroom
norajane Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I do think that people who participate in affairs (especially long term, creating a huge pattern of betrayal and deception) are somehow broken and need to be fixed. I agree, and will take it farther and say that anyone who participates in an affair is "broken" in some way (and I say this as an xOW, as someone who had an affair in a long-term relationship, and as someone who has been cheated on, not in that order ). I work in an industry where there's a lot of business travel, and there are many guys who cheat who are very happy at home. They love their wives, their kids, their lives, and would be devastated if their wives found out. But they cheat, nonetheless, because they spend a lot of time in strange cities and empty hotel rooms...and they develop warm, friendly relationships with the women they work with...and the relationships turn from friends to flirting to EA and PA without even trying. A business dinner can be very similar to a date. Taking your hand to help you out of a taxi isn't so far from holding your hand. The lines start to blur. People get sucked in by their needs. The lonely hotel rooms are not an excuse, but the need for human contact is a need that some choose to address via affairs. It's just 'easier' to band-aid than to fix what's broken inside.
TheTallDarkStranger Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Peggy Vaughan: People love to debate whether or not we're "naturally monogamous." Actually, it's an irrelevant question - because no one has ever lived outside a society to see how we would "normally" be. The REAL question is not whether or not it's natural - or whether we may WANT to have multiple partners. We don't DO everything we WANT to do. As human beings, we can make decisions about what we do. So no matter why people may WANT to have affairs - they don't ACT on that desire - unless they're willing to DECEIVE THEIR PARTNERS. Without the deception, people would not have many affairs (regardless of their desires) - because most people can't handle a sexually open marriage. So the issue (again) is HONESTY - not whether or not we're naturally monogamous.
catgirl1927 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Peggy Vaughan: People love to debate whether or not we're "naturally monogamous." Actually, it's an irrelevant question - because no one has ever lived outside a society to see how we would "normally" be. The REAL question is not whether or not it's natural - or whether we may WANT to have multiple partners. We don't DO everything we WANT to do. As human beings, we can make decisions about what we do. So no matter why people may WANT to have affairs - they don't ACT on that desire - unless they're willing to DECEIVE THEIR PARTNERS. Without the deception, people would not have many affairs (regardless of their desires) - because most people can't handle a sexually open marriage. So the issue (again) is HONESTY - not whether or not we're naturally monogamous. Oh, I really like this post. I think the idea that we're not "naturally monogamous" is just an excuse. "I couldn't help it." "I have needs, and that waitress was one of them." It's just an excuse to lie and deliberately hurt someone else because you're selfish and insecure.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 My therapist said that it happens in around 50% of all marriages but that many people don't talk about it openly. He also said that the number of women being unfaithful is on the rise. That it used to be mostly the man who was unfaithful but that was changing- either from people talking about it more when they didn't before- or because women don't need men as much financially and culturally anymore.
BUTAFLY Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 this whole infidelity thing is new to me. All the married couples in my family are madly in love with oneanother and cheating is a four letter word. It makes since that the infidelity stats are over 50% because thats inline with the divorce rate. I think its because people married young/too soon, are settle for a mate before reallly getting to know them and years down the line realize they are not a good match but for what ever reason (religon, pride,shame) don't want to admit it and stay in an disfuntional unfullfilled marriage. These people tend go outside the marriage to supplement whats lacking.
Chump64 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 All the married couples in my family are madly in love with oneanother and cheating is a four letter word. But the whole thing about infidelity is that it's a huge secret. There may well be infidelity in your family but no one is going to talk about it.
Touche Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I would tend to agree with you on this. And I think that because it is somewhat taboo... that women don't talk about it as much. When I first was married (3 years ago) I believed in marriage and commitment and all of those things. Its strange because a huge part of me believes in that... but life threw me a curve ball and because of my current situation I believe that things like being unfaithful CAN happen in good marriages. And then there is always that deep question about what really IS infidelity? Meaning... is it a kiss, is it sex etc. Some people have different views of that. --- littleroom I say don't beat yourself up over a EA. Try to put it into its proper perspective in your mind. I myself don't really see it as cheating. I really don't. To me, it falls under the category of "fantasy." I mean we ALL fantasize. But as long as we don't ACT on those fantasies, I don't think it's cheating. What did/does this EA of yours consist of exactly? Are they just thoughts? Are you speaking to the person or emailing? Different people will have different views on this, I know. I think for some of us, we just seem to need attention from the opposite sex more than others. Rightly or wrongly. It makes us feel more like a woman (or a man if you're a man of course.) Maybe it's insecurity or ego. I don't know exactly. Good question you raised though.
KittenMoon Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 It makes since that the infidelity stats are over 50% because thats inline with the divorce rate. I think its because people married young/too soon, are settle for a mate before reallly getting to know them and years down the line realize they are not a good match but for what ever reason (religon, pride,shame) don't want to admit it and stay in an disfuntional unfullfilled marriage. These people tend go outside the marriage to supplement whats lacking. I agree with this a lot. If you think about how many people get divorced and have multiple marriages, the instance of infidelity and divorce may be very high, but concievably in a small segment of the population. Plenty of people these days have 2-3 marriages that break up. So take one person + three spouses. Assume infidelity is involved here in all three instances, so 1-3 people in these three marriages cheated. Then take three marriages where no one has cheated and the couples stay together- that's 6 people who ARE monogamous by choice. What I am trying to say is that infidelity could concievably be taking place in 50% of marriages but only among 10-30% of people. Just something to think about. I don't really know exact numbers. I do know many happy monogamous marriages, as well as several divorces marriages (reasons unknown).
Chump64 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I do know many happy monogamous marriages Or so you think. Honestly, how can you ever possibly know what goes on in someone else's marriage? Not just based on my own situation, but based on life experiences, you can never really know what other people are up to in their personal lives -- and I'm not just referring to marriages. People I have known my whole life have suprised the sh*t out of my. One of my best friends, a "salt of the earth" type, stole money from her job. Another -- an education official -- drove drunk, his daughter was injured and he fled the scene. People are not always going to show you their true colors, and marriages are not always what they seem. And I really think the reasons people are spouting here for why infidelity occurs are very simplistic. There are tons of reasons, typically. Lots of little keys, not one big answer sitting there in front of your face.
KittenMoon Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Or so you think. I know we can never know what goes on in other's marriages- I was simply thinking of marriages I know where the people seem truly happy with each other. Those that still have that glow about them. What scares me is that they are all older- removed from the current "instant gratification" society.
Chump64 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 You would be surprised at how many grandmas and grandpas have dipped their wicks. Some of those happy old coots are people who endured infidelity and came out better off, on the other side of all the suffering and hashing things out. That's rare, but it happens. I have read a LOT about infidelity. What I've read indicates that it cuts across all races, age groups, income groups, etc. I think there may well be something about monogamy being a myth. I am not sure what the solution to that might be though. One thing is for sure: There are no simple answers regarding the reasons. People who insist there is a pat answer -- or even two or three pat answers -- should not be taken seriously. It is different in every case. There is not blanket reason or statement to be made. Infidelity is a leading cause of divorce. Divorce rates are even higher among couples who cheat and then leave their spouses for their affair partners.
KittenMoon Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I think there may well be something about monogamy being a myth. I am not sure what the solution to that might be though. I don't think it's a myth. It's a choice. It's just a choice that many people have trouble sticking to.
BUTAFLY Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 All the married couples in my family are madly in love with oneanother and cheating is a four letter word. But the whole thing about infidelity is that it's a huge secret. There may well be infidelity in your family but no one is going to talk about it. Not only I don't think so- I know it so.
Chump64 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Oh, I agree. I'm just saying there could be some biologically valid reasons why humans are not physiologically "wired" to stick with one mate (men especially). And even then, that would never condone infidelity. But believe me, I know about bad choices!
Chump64 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 How do you know, Butafly? Truly? How could you possibly know intimate details of others' marriages, and whether they have been faithful?
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