DSA80 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I broke up with my ex over two years ago. Recently, he looked up my email address and sent me a message saying hello. I haven't responded. A year ago, he left a message in my voicemail to see how I was doing, and I also didn't respond. He doesn't know that I found out that shortly after he called me, he married a woman who had given birth to his child. So now I'm wondering what he could possibly want. During our brief relationship, he wasn't honest or faithful to me. However, losing him was especially devastating, because we had been good friends for over a year before he confessed he was interested in more. Long story short, in my naivete and vanity, I believed things between us would be different than they had been between him and others. I moved to another city for professional reasons after the relationship ended. However, even though a lot of positive things were happening in my life, I was deeply depressed for over a year. And sadly, I still think about him all the time. Obviously, a relationship between us is out of the question, and since he's married, we shouldn't communicate. But his unanswerable attempts at contact make total closure difficult. I really wonder what he wants and how to cope with his selfish, periodic intrusions.
jerbear Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I broke up with my ex over two years ago. Recently, he looked up my email address and sent me a message saying hello. I haven't responded. A year ago, he left a message in my voicemail to see how I was doing, and I also didn't respond. He doesn't know that I found out that shortly after he called me, he married a woman who had given birth to his child. So now I'm wondering what he could possibly want. During our brief relationship, he wasn't honest or faithful to me. However, losing him was especially devastating, because we had been good friends for over a year before he confessed he was interested in more. Long story short, in my naivete and vanity, I believed things between us would be different than they had been between him and others. I moved to another city for professional reasons after the relationship ended. However, even though a lot of positive things were happening in my life, I was deeply depressed for over a year. And sadly, I still think about him all the time. Obviously, a relationship between us is out of the question, and since he's married, we shouldn't communicate. But his unanswerable attempts at contact make total closure difficult. I really wonder what he wants and how to cope with his selfish, periodic intrusions. You sound like you already know your own answer. You want to know and yet want closure. To get closure, it may require you to read and reply to the email and go from there. IF you want to stop further intrusions, delete the email, send him (or mutual friend) a email saying further contact is not desired; delete ANY & ALL emails from him afterwards.
Author DSA80 Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 He knows I don't want contact, and I'm afraid if I email him back, that will only encourage more emails.
jerbear Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 He knows I don't want contact, and I'm afraid if I email him back, that will only encourage more emails. Then practice no contact and treat all his emails as SPAM. Mark it as spam and delete it.
GB111 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Why not just tell him that you're very happily married, with child. Ask him please never to contact you again.
Author DSA80 Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 Thanks Jerbear and GB111 for your advice. I forgot to mention that about 6 months after the break-up he had also left a message on my voicemail. I then sent him a letter with no return address telling him only to contact me if he needed to inform me of any health-related issues. (I did go to a doctor to make sure he didn't give me anything--one the most humiliating experiences ever.) So the issue perhaps is more related to how to deal emotionally with the contact. The signals that I have sent (the letter and since then, no contact) have been unambiguous. Even though I don't respond, I still need to manage the sad feelings. It's like emotional terrorism. You don't ask for it, but there it is. And an additional problem, is that not achieving closure is ironically a barrier to becoming open to relationships that help with the closure. So I guess that telling him that I'm happily married with one on the way wouldn't give me any satisfaction unless that were true...but if that were the case, he could call me every day and it probably wouldn't matter.
jerbear Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Thanks Jerbear and GB111 for your advice. I forgot to mention that about 6 months after the break-up he had also left a message on my voicemail. I then sent him a letter with no return address telling him only to contact me if he needed to inform me of any health-related issues. (I did go to a doctor to make sure he didn't give me anything--one the most humiliating experiences ever.) So the issue perhaps is more related to how to deal emotionally with the contact. The signals that I have sent (the letter and since then, no contact) have been unambiguous. Even though I don't respond, I still need to manage the sad feelings. It's like emotional terrorism. You don't ask for it, but there it is. And an additional problem, is that not achieving closure is ironically a barrier to becoming open to relationships that help with the closure. So I guess that telling him that I'm happily married with one on the way wouldn't give me any satisfaction unless that were true...but if that were the case, he could call me every day and it probably wouldn't matter. Interesting about closure as a barrier to becoming open to a new relationship. I think what maybe for you is to accept it is over and move on; make your own closure statement. If he calls, let it goto voicemail or a better idea is to change your phone number.
Author DSA80 Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 Interesting about closure as a barrier to becoming open to a new relationship. I think what maybe for you is to accept it is over and move on; make your own closure statement. If he calls, let it goto voicemail or a better idea is to change your phone number. He doesn't have my personal phone number and I've accepted that the relationship is over. But this (at least for me) is different from closure, because closure means that all issues are resolved. What I would have wanted ideally--which I defacto gave up on by refusing to respond to him--is an acknowledgement that he wronged me and a sincere apology. Being systematically disrepected/deceived by someone you chose to let in makes you wonder what it is about you that invited the treatment. So without the abuser's acknowledgement that what he (or she) did was wrong, it's hard to achieve that rational frame of mind where you're sure that you didn't deserve what he (or she) did to you. As for emails, based on my job, he will always be able to look up my work email address and maybe even the phone number if he wants to. So becoming indifferent to any kind of contact by him is my goal. But it's hard to become indifferent to something you think about.
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