ChicaEnFuego Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 My boyfriend of a year and a half (Tom) has what I think is a very inappropriate relationship with another woman (Jane). She calls him every single day and spends hours at his apartment, also every day. She flirts constantly with him, even when I'm around. Last night he decided not to come to a softball game of mine and instead he went out to dinner with Jane and then for a night swim. This happens quite often. We'll have loose plans with each other, but instead he will hang out with Jane instead. If we make big group plans to go out to bars, etc and Jane can not make it, he will stay at his apartment with her or go over to her place instead of going out. They have only been good friends for about a year. Jane and their relationship is the only thing we fight about, but it comes up almost weekly. He refuses to do anything, even though I have tried to be friends with her and to get over it and just accept their friendship, but I can't. Also his guy friends agree with me that Jane and Tom's relationship is completely inappropriate, so this is not something I'm making up. Am I being completely paranoid about their relationship? Or is this something that won't be resolved which would only lead us to breaking up? Any insight would be great.
visotech Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Just a thought, suppose jane was a man, lets say John, would you still have the same concerns? What im getting at is: Do you think its impossible for him to have a platonic friendship with a female?
YellowLioness Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I think I need to know some more about this situation. Possibly. Let me ask you this: What does your gut tell you? Here is my opinion: If something makes you uncomfortable (regardless of what it is) and the person who is doing it won't stop, then it is a violation of sorts. This can be on any level you choose to take it. If he is consistantly choosing her over you, you need to ask yourself where his priorities lay. If they do not include your best interests, then your next question should be, "Why do I put up with this?" Eventually, you will find that you are not compatable with this guy, and you will move on. Why wonder why he is a jerk? Maybe he's not that into you, maybe he's dating this other girl, and you are the girl on the side. What ever his excuse, your reaction to his actions are more important then his actions. Obviously, your needs are not compatible with what he is providing. Thusly, you should move on. Plus, you deserve better. Hope this helps. Good luck!
SadGreenEyes Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I can relate to how you feel, being I was in a similar situation myself. My boyfriend of almost 2 years had a female friend with whom he had been friends with for 13 years before I started dating him. Once I started dating him, she flipped out! He said she made him feel as is he was having an affair on her. I didnt have a problem in the beginning and I do understand the importance of a good long friendship and would never ever try to come between him and his friend. Before we met, they used to hang out alot, go to the movies, dinner, or just hang out at her apartment. She was in love with him, he was never interested. Nothing ever happened between them, no kissing, no sex, nothing. He just considered her his good friend. As time went on, she could not handle our relationship. She would call him all day, at home, at work, on his cell, email him, invite him to her friends parties, family functions, etc. When he didnt go, she would flip out! She did not like me in the picture because to her I was the other woman that purposely destroyed her life and ruined any false chance of her developing a relationship with her. Trust me, please be alert. I'll tell you something, this woman created so much damage to our relationship, and yes we too would fight all the time over it. She was persistant and would not give up. It wasnt until he told her that I was moving in with him that she threatened him with an ultimatum, if she moves in, I will never talk to you again. Guess what? I moved in and she disappeared. I can not tell you the sigh of relief I let out knowing she was gone and had finally given up. The negative influence in our relationship was gone. I fear however she will pop up again some time, but he still will not want to be with her. Fortunately my boyfriend knew that it would not be wise to go hang out with her, my eyes told him. He knew, and he didnt. If your boyfriend is doing this now with her...chances are he is not going to stop. I dont know about you but I couldnt handle it. He chooses to hang out with her as opposed to you? Im not a strong woman but if mine did that to me, I would have had no other choice but to break up because that alone would be enough proof to me that she wins and he chooses her over me. Protect your heart. Im afraid he wont stop hanging out with her, and that is a really hard pill to swallow...especially after dating him all this time. If you can get used to it, then all the power to you. If you honestly dont think you can, I would start preparing myself for the ultimatum, her or me? oh, her....ok, buh bye...have fun! Adios! No other woman comes before me, your girlfriend/partner/wife....ever! Good Luck and please think hard about this. I know it sucks and it hurts, but please protect your heart because trust me, the longer you opt to tollerate this friendship, the more emotional and mental damage you create on yourself, and trust me when I tell you that resentment takes over.
dice4 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 He's most likely double dippin. A night swim? Make him make you a priority or give him the ol heev ho !
Pendawn Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Just a thought, suppose jane was a man, lets say John, would you still have the same concerns? What im getting at is: Do you think its impossible for him to have a platonic friendship with a female? I don't know about the OP, but I'd have a problem with this if it was a same sex friend! The fact she calls/comes over every day would be irritating (male or female) but what would REALLY bother me is that the bf is chosing the friend over his girlfriend all the time - not coming out becuase this friend can't go, and instead hanging out with them, rather than being with your SO is WAAAAAY wrong. The problem is, with it being a woman, any complaints you have will come off as irrational and jealous, whereas as I say even if it was a male friend i think the bf's actions are totally out of order. I'd try saying to the bf how would it be if you acted the same way with your best friend, ie went out with her instead fo being with him when HE wanted?
catgirl1927 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 It really sounds like whether this friend is a girl or guy, his friendship with that person is exponentially more important to him than his relationship with you. It really sounds like you're way more into the relationship than he is, so maybe you should look elsewhere and find someone who will give you the focus you are craving. There's nothing in the world wrong with not wanting to come last in someone's life. And IMO, a "night swim" with an opposite sex friend is very, very fishy. If this friend were a guy and he were going on "night swims" I would think maybe he was in the closet. You're right, if you complain to him about this he'll just start screaming "insecure" and dismiss everything you say. IMO, the dignified thing to do the next time he calls is just say that you think the two of you want different things from the relationship and it's best to part ways amicably. Wish him the best and say bye.
norajane Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Yep, this is inappropriate. Tell him you don't want to see a guy who's dating someone else, or might as well be, by his actions. Tell him you've given this a lot of thought and that you'd like him to think about it as well, but you don't want to see him while he is dating his 'friend'.
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