Nur Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year. We've been through a million painful, ugly conflicts which came to a head after seven or so months of dating. I am nineteen, and he is a year younger than me, and quite a bit less mature in some ways. Through countless tears and much emotional drainage, I finally taught him that girls like to be talked to more than once a week, they like it if you show up when you say you will, act responsibly, and put the relationship first. It was exhausting, but I always thought he'd end up worth it. There were many redeeming qualities that kept me going -- he's charming, good looking, a good dancer, loves me, and wants a lot in life. Basically, he'd be the perfect man -- if I were dating him about five years from now. He has great potential, and will one day make an amazing husband to someone. It was painful, going through all that for the sake of my hope in him. Sometimes I questioned staying with him, since I knew that his immaturity was nothing that would leave anytime soon. But in the end, we finally got through it all -- he did change, after his "second chance." Everything was great for the last few months. We even lost our virginities to each other a few weeks ago, when I finally did feel ready. I think he was less ready than he claimed. His behavior changed. He's become more distant, whether purposefully or not. He stopped kissing me as often, and hugged me less, and complimented me less, and made our time together something to do as a group rather than just the two of us. I talked to him about it, and he changed back -- for that day only. He said he'd backed off simply because he didn't want me to think he was all about sex, but I explained to him that not all shows of affection are sexual in nature. The next day, however, he did not even kiss me, the first time this happened since we started going out. I came to his house later, reading a book, and he decided then and there he wanted to make out -- this, without having so much as touched me all day. I explained to him that girls aren't like guys, that are sponteneously in the mood, and he said he knew, but he kept doing it anyway. Finally I just put the book down and made myself in the mood too, so he wouldn't feel rejected, and then he decided to stop since his sister was down the hall -- he wanted to wait for her to sleep (I had been saying this from the beginning). Less than ten minutes later, he announced that he was tired and didn't feel like doing anything anymore. I got up to leave, and was annoyed that he'd been toying with me like that, and he demanded why did I have to be that way? Like I should have no reason for feeling as I did. I didn't hear from him till nearly five today, even though he knew I was upset. He had some excuse about wanting his shirt. His voice was cheerful, like nothing was wrong, (he even asked me to a movie) until finally he asked me why I was mad. I told him that I didn't appreciate being used as his sex toy, to spring on and off at his command, and that he should think about how I feel. Now, we've had problems before, and he said he'd come over and talk about it. Later he called back and said he can't come over, he has work to do (despite his earlier claim about being free for a movie). He also mentioned his graduation dinner tomorrow, and said I can come or not, he doesn't care (which is pretty much saying I shouldn't). I told him fine, I wouldn't, and we hung up. This is so unlike him. Even at our worst, he was always willing to talk about a problem. Now he acts like an insensitive jerk, pretends nothing is wrong, and won't even stop by on his suddenly busy night to discuss it. In addition, he disinvites me to his graduation dinner! This is so out-of-character that it is making my mind reel. The immensity of his immaturity is slapping me across the face. Basically, ever since we've had sex, he's been acting funny, and I have been acting the same as I used to (since I actually WAS ready) and am calling him on his shots. I guess he doesn't like that. He is making no effort to lessen the drift between us, (in fact, he's encouraging it) and I am finding only annoyace where once I might have found heart-wrenching worry. The thought of an older, more mature man, is very appealing, for though he might day be amazing, my boyfriend is simply dragging along behind at a snail's pace. I am surprised at how unemotional I feel, and how the prospect of being single and dating for the first time (he and I were friends for three years, and went straight into an exclusive relationship) is not that bad. There is mild fear there, yes (will I find another guy?) but I don't think fear of being alone should prevent my choice, if it is indeed the best one to make. I also feel like I've lost my social life and have grown too dependent on him. Maybe I need a break -- enough time to become happy, strong, and single. Fear of being alone shouldn't keep me with him. Do not get me wrong. I do love him, have known him for three years and dated him for one. We've done everything together (from first kiss to first TIME) and he's an awesome friend -- my best friend. But if we do break it off, I don't think we'll be able to keep that friendship (it's too painful). I don't know if I should keep dumping time and energy into him, waiting for him to grow up and living with the immature guy with striking potential in the meantime, or just go on. Something tells me that by the time he IS that man, I won't even care much anymore. It breaks my heart to see his sudden change, but I always have been a survivor. If going this far is going to be the end of us, I will live with that, and wish that we could have met at a more fated time. Even so, we have plenty of memories to treasure.
YellowLioness Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 You deserve better, hon. It seems that he does have good qualities, but none of those good qualities center on being a good partner. Plus, you're both so incredibly young. Wow...to be 19 again and know what I know now! (sigh) Anyway, he's too young to be committed to you. Graduation is coming, he's thinking about starting college (and probably all the other girls he will meet there) or, if not college, then getting on with the rest of his life's ambitions. Honestly, most men aren't really ready to be married until they are at least 30 something. Yeah, most men like establishing long term relationships with women, but he is too young for that, even. Just let him go, and then YOU go do what you want to do with life. Life is way too short to let boys bother you. Good luck!
Outcast Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Oh woah. This is what happens when you start having sex - now see why people suggest people wait? Now you're one endless guage measuring if he's touching you or not or making love or not or enjoying making love or not and then reacting emotionally and making you both crazy. Sex changes a relationship - as you see very clearly now. I suggest you step back, take a deep breath, and turn down your reactiveness as well as the measuring guage. This 'sudden change' is not restricted to him - you, too, have changed and you both need to negotiate this new form of relationship carefully and with consideration for each other. Step one is to calm down and quit analyzing every single thing.
Jyl_Unit Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 How much does it suck that girls mature faster than guys? You deserve better than this guy. Though he has some great qualities, they mean nothing right now if you aren't happy. And though he might 'be perfect' in five years, you caught him now. Let him go. There is no reason to be on this roller coaster. You will find someone with all those great qualities you want and you will be happy. Keep looking forward. Boys suck anyway.
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