Ugh! When will it be over?

[debilou]

It's been almost a year that I filed for a D from cheating stbxh. No divorce yet.

 

Two kids, boys, 16 & 11. My life (and theirs) was completely turned upside down. And it still is.

 

Counselor labeled stbxh as narcasist or attachment disorder. Either way he's made my life a living he!!.

 

I just need to vent to non judgmental people who always support me.

 

I get stuck with this "where did I go wrong" song playing in my head. I need to find me and find real peace. Financially I'm ruined. My sister is completely financially supporting me.

 

Sometimes I think I'm not straight forward enough to be a parent. I used to think I was a great mom but now I have real doubts. Things have just gotten too strained. I need a break.

 

Just having a bad day I guess.

 

Thanks for listening, Debilou

[Guest]

Debilou, you're not alone though it may feel that way. Lots of people come here to post, get advice and heal. I mostly just read, but my story is similar to yours. Here are 2 things that helped. Write your feelings down. It helps to relieve some of the emotional stress, and later on you can read back and see how far you have come. (It does get better after the divorce is completed, being in the middle is the worst!) Also, use your anger to get things accomplished, to make a plan for your future, and to start being independent. It's hard to walk away from the life and dreams you had, but in time you will recover. Wish you well.

[dgiirl]

Aww Debilou! I hope you're having a better day today!

 

I just had dinner with my best friend last night, who's also been through the big d. She's a few years ahead of me and is already in a really good relationship. I told her I should have left years ago and her response was I cant think like that. For whatever reason, I was meant to stay. And that the choices I made in the past were for a reason. And even tho I cant believe I put up with all that I did, and made the choices that I did, and didnt see how disrespected I was getting in the relationship, that all of those things were needed to make me who I am now. Those things dont define me to the point where I should beat myself up for past mistakes. But I learned from them and became a better person because of it. You have to realize that who you were then and who you are now are different people and all you can do now is focus on who you are today.

 

I know you are frustrated, but one thing you need to do is not beat yourself up with negative thinking. You have to remember that you cannot control people. So if your exh is being an ass, or your kids a pain, that you need to separate their actions from defining you. All you can do is guide them the best way you know how, but the ultimate action is their choice. Noone wants to see their loved ones do something that will not be good for them, but sometimes this is what they really need. So dont let it all get to you. Easier said than done, i know. But just try and remember it before you beat yourself up.

[Ladyjane14]

.....one thing you need to do is not beat yourself up with negative thinking. You have to remember that you cannot control people. So if your exh is being an ass, or your kids a pain, that you need to separate their actions from defining you. All you can do is guide them the best way you know how, but the ultimate action is their choice.

 

What Dgiirl said!

 

She's right. You can't allow the actions of other people to "define" who you are. When you tear yourself up trying to figure out how you 'made' your STBX act like an ass.... you are in actuality taking responsibility for his choices.

 

Let it go, hon. You don't need that kind of baggage.

[debilou]

Thanks guys! Always there when I need positive reinforcement!

 

I have a friend going through a very similar situation. She can't see how rediculous her H is being, just like I couldn't. I KNOW everything happens for a reason.

 

I don't miss the stbxh. I don't miss any of the verbal slamming, lies or disrespect.

 

I miss my dysfunctional family. Because he WAS the bread winner I could spend sooo much more time with the kids. Now I'm stuck feeling like a bad mom and an absent mom.

 

One day this will all be behind me. My job is still really good. I have a future with it. That's one really positive thing I have going for me.

 

Also, my parents moved 2 hours away last June. They had a real problem with how I allowed the stbxh to treat me. Knee jerk reaction I guess. They lived behind us on my H's property. Anyway they're moving back this weekend. Just about 15 minutes from me.

 

My family, who could see what my stbxh was doing when I couldn't, have completely supported me. Thank God for them. So strange. I have so many thank you notes to write.

 

Thanks everyone, Debilou