OW Finally called back....

[TravelingMan]

Ok here's my story in a nutshell. Im going to be very honest so if you feel the need to flame me, its your option.

 

Ive been married for almost 17 years, no kids and very unhappy for last 2 years. Last November while in vegas on business I met a beautiful person who made me feel alive and sexy! Even though we didn't have sex we had a very intimate time there. She was single but living with a BF for the last 6 years and unhapilly for last 6 months.

 

Over the next 2 months we exchanged calls, emails, txt's, im's, etc. every day. She finally kicked her BF out and told me I could call whenever i wanted (she lives in another state). As we talked we made plans to meet in January so I told her the truth. I finally mentioned to her that I was married but separated. I didnt tell her in vegas and she didnt ask. i felt that if i said i was "separated" that she would think it was total BS and not believe me so i refrained in vegas. I didnt want our Jan meeting to be on false pretences so i told her. I mentioned to her that I was separated for 5 months and eventually going to divorce and that we were only still together for financial reasons (god's honest truth here). She agreed, against her good judgment and in Jan we met up and ended up spending the weekend together and crossing the line, WAY OVER! It was wonderful but still felt wrong. she felt like the OW and there was nothing i could say or do to prove otherwise. we parted and shortly after we both had a sense of emptiness and longing for eachother so we continued to talk almost everyday on the phone. This led to another encounter in March. We talked, slept, stared into eachother's eyes, partied, laughed and even made small plans for the future. But she still felt that I would never leave my W and got very afraid, understandable. At a young age, she dated a MM and he burned her pretty good, told her all the right things and never made good. I am not that kind of person, i knew my divorce was inevitable and so mentioned that soon I would be single and that she would feel much better about us being together if thats what she wanted.

In April, she began to drift away, emails talked about feelings being too deep and being too scared to be burned again. She then mentioned the "i need space" words. I knew something was up. I pleaded her to talk about it but was met with increasing bitterness. Well at the end of April, she moved to another state to be closer to family that needed her. The family knows about me and is probably telling her to back off and that i'll never leave my W or just wait for my divorce, again understandable. More NC so I played the NC game back. I knew she wanted her space and so I backed off a bit, even though I wanted desparately to hear her voice. Sent a few alchohol induced txt's on the weekends that got no response. Finally one came in. It was bitter, mean, hateful, even talked about a new guy back home before she moved and how she missed his "big s****ng". I didnt take that serious and think it was just to hurt me and push me away. Im pretty sure it was induced by her sis-inlaw because she doesn't talk trashy like that. cant blame her either i guess.

 

Well over the memorial weekend, i went on vacation near to where she now lives, its a party town. Had a great time too, partied where she hangs out but didnt see her. On the last day, early in the morning i get a voice msg from her that said something like the following: "I know you want to be friends, but I can't, its just too hard and that she hoped I would understand." Well i didnt understand. We had such strong feelings toward eachother for the last 4 months and how could she let go so quickly I wondered.

 

Well, anyway, today I sent 1 email that said very simply, "Got your message. No I dont understand. Too many unansered questions." About an hour ago, she responded. She said she was very sorry for all the hurtful things she said and that there wasn't any reason not to be friends if I still wanted to. Then asked if she could call later today.

 

So... my questions is: How the hell do I approach this? I really want her, need her, and love her so much. She says there are still deep feelings there but is very confused about her life. Im thinking that maybe I should just stay away but my heart yearns for her so much.

 

My situation at home hasn't changed. Still married but have talked to a legal expert about divorce and our options. Im sure I will be divorced in the very near future but am dreading the pain and heartach it will cause. I am the sort of person that will make sure the W is set financially, what ever she wants. Its the emotional hurt she may feel that will kill me. I still love her because we have history together but I am not IN LOVE with her. Even if things with my new love doesn't work out, I will not regret any decision I make. As I mentioned in another thread, I live my life by the words, "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so quickly, but that we wait so long to begin it." I can totally see myself with this new love and having children with this person, something I've never felt with my W.

[zarathustra]

My situation at home hasn't changed. Still married but have talked to a legal expert about divorce and our options. Im sure I will be divorced in the very near future but am dreading the pain and heartach it will cause. I am the sort of person that will make sure the W is set financially, what ever she wants. Its the emotional hurt she may feel that will kill me. I still love her because we have history together but I am not IN LOVE with her. Even if things with my new love doesn't work out, I will not regret any decision I make. As I mentioned in another thread, I live my life by the words, "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so quickly, but that we wait so long to begin it." I can totally see myself with this new love and having children with this person, something I've never felt with my W.

 

Welcome TM, I don't think you'll see much flaming here unless you're here to cause trouble... I don't get the sense that you are.

 

First off, by separated, does it mean that are you living in a different dwelling than your wife?

 

If you are, I don't think that it will come to a surprise to your wife that you want to go through with divorce. I think you asked on another thread how to broach the subject of divorce without bringing up the OW and that the main reason of divorce is for yourself. I think that you should just tell her that you want to be able to live life, fall in love and hopefully remarry someday with someone who is a better match for you. Likewise, keeping the status quo isn't doing your estranged wife any favours should she meet someone who is a better match for her than you were to her.

 

If you are separated but still living in the same home, then I think its a good idea to move out and live life outside the home. Hope you don't mind the question as ya never know... people have so many definition of separation that sometimes it blurry what they mean. I guess I'm a bit caught off guard by the you still love your wife but not in love with her bit. My xMM said the very same thing to me about his W and eventually went back to her because he said that they went through a lot together and that they have a lot of history together.

 

I think your OW is walking the right path. I'm sorry if what I'm saying hurts you, but I wish I chose the path that she chose too. That way, I wouldn't be so hurt. I think that my xMM wants us to be friends, I'm just not open to it. We work together and currently, I'm answering most of his questions with single syllable words.

[Art_Critic]

Everybody has a basic right to be happy.. if you are unhappy then you have every right to make yourself happy..

 

But... You are married..

 

You are in the very unique position right now where you could/should end your marriage before your affair goes any further.

 

Don't continue to injure and hurt your wife by letting this marriage continue.

 

End your marriage first.. then make yourself happy and if by then your Ow is still around then do something about it..

[zarathustra]

Also, TM, I can tell you that if I had a chance to do over, I think I would have not gotten involved with my xMM until he's lived life on his own and was sure of what he wanted. He said he was sure but when it came down to the wire, he changed his mind. In the process, I was hurt, his wife was hurt and most importantly, his children were. I think that if he was to make a life changing decision like the one he did and given what was at stake, he ought to be so damn sure of being able to live with the consequences.

 

The clown is right... make yourself happy... take the time to do it. Sometimes its so easy to leave for someone else and not really address the true issue.

[Blind Illusion]

A lot depends on what is going on in your girlfriend's mind. What does your gut feeling tell you.

 

1. She is pushing away and initiating NC to either force your hand in making a move or protecting herself.

 

or

 

2. Do you think that she really isn't as serious about your relationship as you initially believed. maybe Vegas was fine and even exciting as well as those short trips but a full fledged relationship is another.

 

I never really thought that people should get dovorced for another. From the sounds of your post, the end of your marriage was a possibility anyhow, regardless of this woman. Suppose you didn't have this woman in the picture, would you still be talking to legal experts or would you just stay for the time being? I'm not being judgmental-I know first hand how sometimes it is easier not to upset the apple cart, so to speak.

 

I was just curious in my mind, if you thought that if you did appear to be dissolvling your marriage, would that make a difference to her. You could always, as a "friend" (which you are never going to really be, but we'll consider it anyhow) drop in passing about talking to a lawyer and see if any reaction is forthcoming from her that this is what she is waiting for before she proceeds.

[MsColorado]

If you aren't "in love" with your wife anymore (and I would be skeptical of the "in love" feeling because oftentimes that changes to a deeper, more meaningful love) and you want a divorce then you need to tell her right away and let her go and live her life. She has the right to be with someone that wants to be with her and while it may hurt her deeply for a bit to hear that you want a divorce, eventually she'll move on and hopefully find a wonderful guy to share the rest of her life with. I am not saying this to be mean at all, but are you perhaps thinking of different reasons not to divorce because you are maybe a little scared of change? Financial reasons or being afraid it will hurt her are not reasons to stay in a marriage. If you truly feel that you don't love her anymore in the way she deserves then don't be selfish and stay...set her free to live her life with someone that will.

[TravelingMan]

These are all excellent replies and thanks for the kind words. I really feel like i need out and that its pretty selfish of me to stay when i cannot recipricate the same love back, what little it may still be.

 

I spoke with my new love today at lunch. She was actually letting her family send the nasty txt msgs and tell her how to blow me off and sounded pretty sorry for it. Go Family! Kept things pretty easy and simple, let her get things off her chest so i just listened. It was nice. But then the questions about me came! How have you been? Seeing anyone? Goten laid? etc. I just let them go and brushed them off...its really none of her business, for now. There might be hope in the future but for now im being very cautious. She was definately using NC to protect herself.

 

As for my M situation, thanks again for the words. How should I go about broaching the subject of D with her? Go to a neutral place? This was my 1st marriage so its all new to me.

[RealityCheck]

These are all excellent replies and thanks for the kind words. I really feel like i need out and that its pretty selfish of me to stay when i cannot recipricate the same love back, what little it may still be.

 

I spoke with my new love today at lunch. She was actually letting her family send the nasty txt msgs and tell her how to blow me off and sounded pretty sorry for it. Go Family! Kept things pretty easy and simple, let her get things off her chest so i just listened. It was nice. But then the questions about me came! How have you been? Seeing anyone? Goten laid? etc. I just let them go and brushed them off...its really none of her business, for now. There might be hope in the future but for now im being very cautious. She was definately using NC to protect herself.

 

As for my M situation, thanks again for the words. How should I go about broaching the subject of D with her? Go to a neutral place? This was my 1st marriage so its all new to me.

 

Divorce is hard no matter who does the leaving. I will also add, there is no "right" time to tell the spouse. I've been there twice! Each time was a difficult process. For me, when the "love" goes it goes! Quite frankly couldn't keep me there for any other reason than "love".

 

Life is too short to live in a relationship that is unfulfilling. I also believe marriage is WAY over rated.

 

Anyway, be strong, be straight and stand in your truth. All will work itself out. The bonus to your situation is that there are no children involved.

 

I will say that though the process of Divorce is difficult, the sense of new found freedom on many levels certainly brings balance to the circumstance.

 

Good Luck!

[Blind Illusion]

Personally I think I would just tell her that the marriage has been somewhat unsatisfactory and you were contemplating ending it but wanted to speak to her first. I would leave out the whole Vegas escapade because otherwise it just looks like momentary departure of the senses is going on. If for some reason this does come out, I would go along with the thinking that the *Vegas Incident* was more of a symptom, rather than the cause of how you are feeling.

 

In some ways, she has to know things haven't been all wonderful.

[movinon05]

Yes, you said you are separated in some threads, but it doesn't sound like you are physically separated. So what are you?

 

I think the best thing is to just tell her what you are telling us here! You are no longer happy. You want both of you to be happy and you both deserve to be happy. I can see you want that for her as well as yourself.

 

I really feel like i need out and that its pretty selfish of me to stay when i cannot recipricate the same love back, what little it may still be.

 

These are your words. Use them, without the last 6 words.

 

You seem like a reasonable guy! No one likes to hurt anyone. But you said in your other post:

 

I may feel horrible if things dont work out the way I hope, but will not regret it. I live by the following words: "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so quickly, but that we wait so long to begin it."

 

I think you probably can explain it to her even better than that. But why do you need neutral ground to go about this? As I said, I can't tell if you are physically separated. And if you are, it wouldn't come as a shock. But if you're not, what's wrong with your home. You don't have kids!

 

Just say to her: "We need to talk" and go from there.

[TravelingMan]

More good comments. Thanks everyone. We have been separated for nearly 6 mos but still live in the same house, we have separate bedrooms, baths, etc. its big enough for both of us and convenient for now but im tiring of the whole situation. Im also contemplating a move to AZ to start over, she dont know about that. I really worry about HER being able to maintain the same lifestyle we both have had. Im sure the house will have to go because im the sole breadwinner and cannot afford another place, unless its a shoebox! If we sold there would be sufficient equity for both of us to buy another place but no where near what we currently have.

 

The only other issue is our 2 pets. Love them to death and they are like children to us. I know, i know... they're only pets but damn i love my dog. If we do indeed divorce, the pet issue will come up, she's a pet freak and i cannot take either with me. I know this sounds pretty lame to some but its a wierd situation. we cannot split the pets. has anyone else had this issue?

 

Now just need to build up the courage and make sure the environment is stress free to get the conversation rolling.

[stillhere]

I was not in love with my H for the last 3 years. Tried to break it off a few times, but i felt so guilty because i knew he would have a problem finding someone new. Everyone knew that i was the best thing he ever had, even i knew it. I knew i wouldn't have a problem finding someone new, so i felt bad for him.

 

He caught me and my MM. He never found out who he was, but i got caught in a few lies. That's when i took my chance and went for it, and kicked him out. He cried and begged, and for once i stood my ground. Because if i didn't do it then, i never would and i would live the rest of my life miserable.

 

I can completely understand your situation, been there, done that. Except we shared a bed, and i had to ward off the sexual advances all the time. I'm not sure why he wanted to have sex with me, when i laid on my side, propped my head up on my hand and would constantly ask if he was done yet because i was bored. God, i was a b*tch to him, and he still wanted to, but then he would whine afterwards because i wasn't getting into it. I still don't understand that.

[movinon05]

Oh Lord, this sounds abysmal to me!! Why would she be surprised if you said you don't want this kind of life anymore??

 

This isn't about lifestyle, its about your lives!!!

[RealityCheck]

Oh Lord, this sounds abysmal to me!! Why would she be surprised if you said you don't want this kind of life anymore??

 

This isn't about lifestyle, its about your lives!!!

 

Awe Man!!! I'm with MO....

 

This is so typical why people stay for all the "Wrong" reasons!

I was married to a Millionare and all his $$$ couldn't keep me in a "loveless" relationship!

 

MO is 100% correct!!

 

It truly isn't about lifestyle, its about living life fulfilled!

[movinon05]

I can completely understand your situation, been there, done that. Except we shared a bed, and i had to ward off the sexual advances all the time. I'm not sure why he wanted to have sex with me, when i laid on my side, propped my head up on my hand and would constantly ask if he was done yet because i was bored. God, i was a b*tch to him, and he still wanted to, but then he would whine afterwards because i wasn't getting into it. I still don't understand that.

 

Yeah, I can relate. With my exH. I wasn't a b#tch though and I showed no emotion. He didn't even seem to care or notice. As long as he got what he wanted, painful as it was for me! I just couldn't wait til it was over.

[RealityCheck]

Yeah, I can relate. With my exH. I wasn't a b#tch though and I showed no emotion. He didn't even seem to care or notice. As long as he got what he wanted, painful as it was for me! I just couldn't wait til it was over.

 

Geez....Now isn't that the truth!!

 

My exH never stopped wanting me in that way. I remember the final time being intimate with him I thought I was literally going to puke! That's when I moved to the spare room and stayed there for 1 1/2 years until I felt strong enough to leave. Bye the time I left I was so dumb with emotion for him, I too was glad it was over!

 

My skin still crawls at the thought of that man touching me! YUCK!

[zarathustra]

More good comments. Thanks everyone. We have been separated for nearly 6 mos but still live in the same house, we have separate bedrooms, baths, etc. its big enough for both of us and convenient for now but im tiring of the whole situation. Im also contemplating a move to AZ to start over, she dont know about that. I really worry about HER being able to maintain the same lifestyle we both have had. Im sure the house will have to go because im the sole breadwinner and cannot afford another place, unless its a shoebox! If we sold there would be sufficient equity for both of us to buy another place but no where near what we currently have.

 

The only other issue is our 2 pets. Love them to death and they are like children to us. I know, i know... they're only pets but damn i love my dog. If we do indeed divorce, the pet issue will come up, she's a pet freak and i cannot take either with me. I know this sounds pretty lame to some but its a wierd situation. we cannot split the pets. has anyone else had this issue?

 

Now just need to build up the courage and make sure the environment is stress free to get the conversation rolling.

move out, rent a place... do something so that you don't live in the same house and remove yourself from anything that reminds you of your old life...Then see if you miss it. Sometimes familiarity and history is such a large pull that you don't know that you took it for granted until you aren't there anymore. It may cost you more right now, but the cost of not knowing is more painful. With regards to pets, when I separated, I took one of my pets with me. H kept his. If you are the sole bread-winner, maybe she may not be able to afford keeping both pets. Who knows...

[BUTAFLY]

SHe is a smart women!!!!

TM....I have heard everything you said before. My exMM sounded just like you with the whole poor tourtured me routine....'I can't help that I fell in love with you and ooopss did I mention I am in a relationship'...BULL PUCKY!!!. THe fact of the matter is TM, your going to be in a world of mess when and IF you get divorced. Your going to need a soft place to fall during the aftermath, and what a better place than a nice set of young perky breast. this is sooooo ego drivin ...you have had this empty spot in your life and the first thing that comes along to show you attention you call it love. Its not! you don't know her enough to love her...you don't fall in love over txt mgs with a person living thousands of miles away.

 

And since you convinced yourself it is love -then love her enough to leave her alone.

 

Talking to a lawyer is not a divorce. Seperated is not a Divorce. If your such a softy, whats to say you don't feel sorry for your W and decide to stay and make things work with her? where would that leave your OW? (and yes she is the OW) but since your so nice and only had the best intentions she should understand right? WHATEVER!

[BUTAFLY]

just read you other posts and responses

 

WHAT!!!!! YOU STILL LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE????? ARE YOU INSANE??

 

How do you not understand what the OW is feeling? Don't you know that you have nothing to lose and you asking her to invest everything emotionally.

 

You want a women you have known for a few months to swallow this:

'yes I'm married living w/ my wife who I love dearly and have history with, but I plan on moving to AZ however, she doesn't know about any of this yet. But looka hear sweetie, I want you to hang around and be emotionally avaiable to me and heck meet me for a screw every now and again until I am man enough to break things off with my wife, but i don't know when thats gonna be, but wait for me.'

 

Truly GET OVER YOUR SELF!

 

A deaf dumb and blind person can see whats really going on here. And i don't believe you women are falling for this. Is this not the theme of hundreds of posts in here? a man professing his love and asking us to wait and the day never comes. and what is always the responses to those posts...."If he really loves you he will divorce and be with you"...."wait to see the D papers"....ect..COME ON LADIES!

[RealityCheck]

just read you other posts and responses

 

WHAT!!!!! YOU STILL LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE????? ARE YOU INSANE??

 

How do you not understand what the OW is feeling? Don't you know that you have nothing to lose and you asking her to invest everything emotionally.

 

You want a women you have known for a few months to swallow this:

'yes I'm married living w/ my wife who I love dearly and have history with, but I plan on moving to AZ however, she doesn't know about any of this yet. But looka hear sweetie, I want you to hang around and be emotionally avaiable to me and heck meet me for a screw every now and again until I am man enough to break things off with my wife, but i don't know when thats gonna be, but wait for me.'

 

Truly GET OVER YOUR SELF!

 

A deaf dumb and blind person can see whats really going on here. And i don't believe you women are falling for this. Is this not the theme of hundreds of posts in here? a man professing his love and asking us to wait and the day never comes. and what is always the responses to those posts...."If he really loves you he will divorce and be with you"...."wait to see the D papers"....ect..COME ON LADIES!

 

Yes! BAF....

 

I certainly can't argue with your response!!

 

Valid and a reality!

[TravelingMan]

just read you other posts and responses

 

WHAT!!!!! YOU STILL LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE????? ARE YOU INSANE??

 

How do you not understand what the OW is feeling? Don't you know that you have nothing to lose and you asking her to invest everything emotionally.

 

You want a women you have known for a few months to swallow this:

'yes I'm married living w/ my wife who I love dearly and have history with, but I plan on moving to AZ however, she doesn't know about any of this yet. But looka hear sweetie, I want you to hang around and be emotionally avaiable to me and heck meet me for a screw every now and again until I am man enough to break things off with my wife, but i don't know when thats gonna be, but wait for me.'

 

Truly GET OVER YOUR SELF!

 

A deaf dumb and blind person can see whats really going on here. And i don't believe you women are falling for this. Is this not the theme of hundreds of posts in here? a man professing his love and asking us to wait and the day never comes. and what is always the responses to those posts...."If he really loves you he will divorce and be with you"...."wait to see the D papers"....ect..COME ON LADIES!

 

You my dear are way too judgemental. I am not the tourtured person you make me out to look and I really resent that comment. Also, never once did I ask the OW to stick around, get your facts straight. Perhaps you should stop "speed" reading our comments and actually take the time to read carefully what we actually say.

 

UPDATE: Last night I asked for a Divorce

[zarathustra]

You my dear are way too judgemental. I am not the tourtured person you make me out to look and I really resent that comment. Also, never once did I ask the OW to stick around, get your facts straight. Perhaps you should stop "speed" reading our comments and actually take the time to read carefully what we actually say.

 

UPDATE: Last night I asked for a Divorce

TM, you gotta understand that many of us have been given the same lines as you gave to your OW. I'm not surprised nor do I blame Butafly for her response. Probably felt like salt in the wound, so while I think her response was hurtful to you, I would ask you to please have some compassion for us too.

 

Congratulations on asking for a divorce. How was it received? Just make sure that you are in a happy place in life and is really available before you seek out your OW. Again, no marriage should be ended for another person but yourself, so if things don't work out with your OW, then you need to be happy being on your own for a bit.

[RealityCheck]

UPDATE: Last night I asked for a Divorce

 

TA.....

 

Pleased to meet you! I'm Canadian! Ever try one of those???

 

*laughing*

 

Sorry, had to bring some light to this Thread!

 

Cha..cha..cha!!

[zarathustra]

UPDATE: Last night I asked for a Divorce

 

TA.....

 

Pleased to meet you! I'm Canadian! Ever try one of those???

 

*laughing*

 

Sorry, had to bring some light to this Thread!

 

Cha..cha..cha!!

ROFLMAO!!!

 

I'll have a cowboy please...

[TravelingMan]

TM, you gotta understand that many of us have been given the same lines as you gave to your OW. I'm not surprised nor do I blame Butafly for her response. Probably felt like salt in the wound, so while I think her response was hurtful to you, I would ask you to please have some compassion for us too.

 

Totally understand. I would only please ask that any opinions, which I dont mind hearing no matter how blunt, be factual! I'm sorry for all of the other OW's here, especially if thier MM is not being totally honest with them. But I have. It really is sad the situation I've gotten MYSELF into. But the truth is i'm in it and cant go back, dont want to. Like ive stated before, i will have no regrets with whatever the outcome and the OW and I are just waiting it out for now. If she waits, great! its her choice. If not, its her loss, C'est la vie!

 

It was received better than I expected but certainly not without hurt and pain. What i mean is the situation didnt get out of control. we kept our tempers and kept it peaceful. but still have more to talk about, obviously.