eyeswideshut Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Well, I just went back and read all of Sami's old posts. Don't want you to leave just yet Sami, but understand if you have to. Please let us know how your situation is resolving itself. Last contact we had was last Sunday, when he phoned and told me that things aren't going well at all at home, etc... Anyway. I've told myself I'll try a 10day NC, so i'm still at day 2. (seems as though the days are really LONG, could it be it's only Tuesday?) The first 5 days are always easy, but weekends are hard because he always calls to see how I'm doing at some point. Except this time, I won't be home. I was just wondering if any of you ever lost a sibling, or a loved one, and how this might be affecting his mind right now in making decisions. He said on Sunday, that before his brother died, he was already separated, they had been broken up for 10 months, only they still needed mariage counseling, because he promised her he would go through with it. When his brother died, that was when our relationship went from "the lustful beginning" to a deeper one of friendship, support, and that is also when we started sleeping together. However, it affected the dynamics of his family, and dealing with a divorce at the moment, was too much, as he already had difficulty to go back to his office, and says he still can't ever go because it would remind him of his brother, so now he has to find a new job. And my role right now would be to JUST IGNORE HIM, right? Let him deal with his things? He knows I'm in NC. Before all this, he was the strongest man in the world. Now he's unbelievebly weak. Going out all the time, and just trying to numb all types of pain. My question is, let's say I keep up NC. Or I only talk to him once a month. (preferably not at all) am I right in thinking he will miss me enough to make a decision at this point in his life? Maybe he might just think I never cared enough for him, since I'm no longer helping him as a friend at this difficult time in his life? I absolutely do not want this to become habit. And come to think of it, all these past months were pretty sad for the both of us. because of our joint grief. (I was grieving my ex) But if a man loves a woman, is 7 months enough to know that it's true love? Because in my experience, absence makes the heart forget. Will he just forget about me?
RealityCheck Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Well, I just went back and read all of Sami's old posts. Don't want you to leave just yet Sami, but understand if you have to. Please let us know how your situation is resolving itself. Last contact we had was last Sunday, when he phoned and told me that things aren't going well at all at home, etc... Anyway. I've told myself I'll try a 10day NC, so i'm still at day 2. (seems as though the days are really LONG, could it be it's only Tuesday?) The first 5 days are always easy, but weekends are hard because he always calls to see how I'm doing at some point. Except this time, I won't be home. I was just wondering if any of you ever lost a sibling, or a loved one, and how this might be affecting his mind right now in making decisions. He said on Sunday, that before his brother died, he was already separated, they had been broken up for 10 months, only they still needed mariage counseling, because he promised her he would go through with it. When his brother died, that was when our relationship went from "the lustful beginning" to a deeper one of friendship, support, and that is also when we started sleeping together. However, it affected the dynamics of his family, and dealing with a divorce at the moment, was too much, as he already had difficulty to go back to his office, and says he still can't ever go because it would remind him of his brother, so now he has to find a new job. And my role right now would be to JUST IGNORE HIM, right? Let him deal with his things? He knows I'm in NC. Before all this, he was the strongest man in the world. Now he's unbelievebly weak. Going out all the time, and just trying to numb all types of pain. My question is, let's say I keep up NC. Or I only talk to him once a month. (preferably not at all) am I right in thinking he will miss me enough to make a decision at this point in his life? Maybe he might just think I never cared enough for him, since I'm no longer helping him as a friend at this difficult time in his life? I absolutely do not want this to become habit. And come to think of it, all these past months were pretty sad for the both of us. because of our joint grief. (I was grieving my ex) But if a man loves a woman, is 7 months enough to know that it's true love? Because in my experience, absence makes the heart forget. Will he just forget about me? EWS... I can speak first handed about loosing loved ones. I lost two of my children. Through my loss, and everyone who was affected by the loss of my children such; as my H, Grande parents, siblings, everyone deals with death in their own way! Some become bitter, some withdraw, some will become a completely different person. For me, I went into depression. It all depends on the person and their tolerence to loss. Do I believe you MM is thinking about you. I would venture to say yes, however his thoughts are probably consumed more with the loss of his brother than his W or yourself. I wouldn't take this personally. Suffering the death of a loved one is the most difficult experience any human can go through. I would give him space during this time, and allow him what anyone is entitled or deserves to heal. There is no time limit on when someone is healed. It belongs only to the person who is suffering. For me, it is not time that heals, it was what I do in my time in living that allows me to move forward. I hope this helps.
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 it is not time that heals, it was what I do in my time in living that allows me to move forward. I think that these words are magnificent... Its soooooo true!!
Author eyeswideshut Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 For the record...I've got 18 rolls of T.P. left. They toppled over today because of the storm, and guess what? I thought it was a sign.... sigh!!! Well, I'm at day 3 of NC. But I'm not really being tough, I mean, he's always the one who writes or calls first, so the real test will be whether he does that or not. Also, June is here. So at some point, his wife will be gone. (I'm not sure when exactly, he told me the date, but I forgot, because back then I thought no way am I going to see him when his wife is out of town) I just go through fits of "oh, he's never going to stay in that situation" and "God, I wouldn't trust him with my life. So why even go there?" I'm glad to be going to Europe this summer for three weeks. I'll be a new woman when I get back. He told me he thought I was just initiating NC because I wanted a fling in Europe. (I'm not the type, but I will definitely be on the market, living it up, and flirting like hell) One of the first things I said when he broke it off, (because the sex was soo amazing) was...Oh darn, I'll have to get a new lover. He heard me talk about the lovers I had before I met him (there only were two), but he probably thinks I'm this single woman, who always has lovers to satisfy her needs. I found that funny, but I let him think what he wants. He does ask what I did on Saturday night every week, and once I emailed that I went for drinks with a younger man, and he was at my doorstep within 24 hours, jokingly asking about my "date", which wasn't really a date, it was a dinner date with four other girls and they all chickened out, so I ended up by accident with a 24 year old student on a date. He told me he would never stop me from doing anything (or anyone), so this must be so irritating for him to know he can't go f*** around and I can. He told me he didn't want to share me with anyone. And i told him the same. ANYWAY. Day 3 of NC, and I am taking a long weekend off. I need to rest and read and just meditate and figure things out. when does NC begin to feel like "getting over someone" and less like "waiting"? when he told me in March that he was trying to work things out with his wife, I thought it would end there. But since then he's done so much to reel me in... why do they do that? why do they call back to say ... we are fighting I only went back because i felt too weak at the time to deal with her pain we'd be so good together why can't i be happy with her i want to go somewhere with you is this love or is this just control? is this just pain relief I told him if you want, you can go find yourself a lover, someone you wouldn't mind hurting. he said: no, I don't want any craziness. it's not sex or companionship it's you. well. going round and round and round. sorry for ranting, but i still wonder if all this hesitation has anything to do with the death in his family. I guess death and divorce and job loss are the biggest stressors? I guess he wanted to minimize the big losses in his life at this point in time. June is here, that is all I have to say. I will be needing distractions, and the type of advice that will make me want to stay away. anything. I need to stay away I know that. but i need some mantras.
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