GUEST Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Hi everyone , thanks for reading my post . Ok , I was in a one year serious relationship . All was fine . We were happy and talking of marriage and kids in the future . It was a very serious relationship . She started working long hours and was totally stressed , more than usual . I told her to take time to rest and for 3 weeks we only saw each other once . We usually spent 6 days a week together . She is happy that I am being supportive . After the 3rd week , she says she wants to break up , needs time to relax from stress . I do nc . She calls 10 times and sends numerous emails . She wants to get back together . We talk 3 hours . OK , FINE . i call the next day , she is happy . ONE HOUR LATER , she calls to say she is not ready to jump back into the relationship . I was surprised . She gave no reason . I kept emailing , but occasionally , hardly called . then sporadic . Now she says she does not love me . She says she needs time to be alone . She starts dating a guy for 3 weeks . i did nc . I called to see How she was . She ignored my calls . AFTER A COUPLE OF DAYS CALLED TO SAY MET GUY DATING 3 WEEKS IS SERIOUS . WANTS TO BREAK UP WITH ME . CAN i get her to come back to me as my girlfriend ? or should I just forget and move on . I love her with my whole heart . She never said REASON FOR BREAK UP .sHE SAID SHE WAS STRESSED AT JOB , WHY ARE WE BREAKING UP ? I do not understand . I am hurting . love her . thanks for answering , mrniceguyclimber
milokins Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 It sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants. Read the thread "sometimes people not mean what they say?" Sounds like we are all going through the same thing.
norajane Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Sounds like she met someone she's attracted to, and wants to see what that's about. She doesn't want to cheat on you, so she's breaking up with you instead. Of course it sucks for you just the same, but she can do it with a slightly clearer conscience. She's not really serious about someone she's only known three weeks, even if she thinks she is. I'm not saying she won't become serious with him, but at this point, she's not. It doesn't really matter, though. You need to step back at this point, and stick to NC. She'll contact you again eventually - you guys aren't done with this yet. When she does get in touch, tell her you think she's doing the right thing - that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to see other people. That's really all you have to say. She'll confirm whether she wants to keep seeing other people, or whether she wants to be in a committed relationship with you.
RealBroken Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Youre in the same boat as me by the sounds of it. My thread is "people sometimes mean not what they say?" Is she young.... She got feelings for someone else.... she is worried about committing to you when you may not be "the one" through lack of experience in relationships she may be wondering "how good can it be". She wants to see whats out there. She's testing the thought with this new guy. It will feel good to her now, as she's just carried on your relationship with him.... she's jumped into the deep end. All we can hope for is that it doesn't work out and they come to discover it was a mistake...... thats all we can do........ and hope that we can find forgiveness if they come back. NO CONTACT IS THE ANSWER as impossible or difficult as it feels. She has to contact YOU, the other way around will push her away every time. We're hear to listen and chat, keep posting.... it helps.
RealBroken Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 The only thing i worry about, is if she decides she has done wrong (started it with someone else) and its not what she wants....... that she'll be too proud or ashamed to coming back to me. Afraid of the fact that il be angry etc. I personally thought that a card sayin that 'her decisions are hers and i respect her for it, and that im always here for her' would make that door stil open, but that was when she told me to back off and not contact her again. Sometimes i think they need you to be angry at them. i dunno. i just wouldnt contact her man. Ride it out. Shes gotta be the one to decide. It hurts I know. And u feel really helpless. But if you try and change things they never work in your favour at this stage. Wish i had learnt this earlier.... i was too late coming to this site. i stil hold out some hope though.... I just want to.... like you.
norajane Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 The only thing i worry about, is if she decides she has done wrong (started it with someone else) and its not what she wants....... that she'll be too proud or ashamed to coming back to me. Afraid of the fact that il be angry etc. I personally thought that a card sayin that 'her decisions are hers and i respect her for it, and that im always here for her' would make that door stil open, but that was when she told me to back off and not contact her again. Sometimes i think they need you to be angry at them. i dunno. i just wouldnt contact her man. Ride it out. Shes gotta be the one to decide. It hurts I know. And u feel really helpless. But if you try and change things they never work in your favour at this stage. Wish i had learnt this earlier.... i was too late coming to this site. i stil hold out some hope though.... I just want to.... like you. A woman who wants you back might feel shame for f***ing things up, but she knows she has absolutely nothing to lose by coming back. She either knows you'll be there for her, or she's willing to take the risk that you won't, but pride won't keep her away if she genuinely wants to be with you.
Alexandra-Girl Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 A woman who wants you back might feel shame for f***ing things up, but she knows she has absolutely nothing to lose by coming back. She either knows you'll be there for her, or she's willing to take the risk that you won't, but pride won't keep her away if she genuinely wants to be with you. Many will disagree with me, but I do have to disagree with the pride statement. I've noticed that if a woman knows she has burned the bridge with you, she will avoid you like the plague. She won't know where to begin, or how you will react to her. It is her pride that keeps her away. Stick with the no contact, but in two or three months -- somehow reconnect with her through a coincidental meeting (go to a place you know she will be at). Keep it very light and brief the first time you meet. She will either contact you from there, or you can contact her a week or so later via email saying "it was great catching up, hope your doing well?" Don't include more, and don't follow-up with another email. Response, or no response, will indicate where she stands. Let her notice that she can come back and that the bridge has been repaved... keeping it light will do this. Good-luck. Alexandra
RealBroken Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Thanks Alexandragirl. i've been askin about that on threads before and got knocked down quite a bit saying..... no dont contact at all. I had what u have just said on my mind but not sure. Obviously you cant look deliberate in makin first contact but if its by chance meetin etc, then yeah, your not seen to have chased her. What do others think on this????
Guest Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Thanks Alexandragirl. i've been askin about that on threads before and got knocked down quite a bit saying..... no dont contact at all. I had what u have just said on my mind but not sure. Obviously you cant look deliberate in makin first contact but if its by chance meetin etc, then yeah, your not seen to have chased her. What do others think on this???? HI IT'S ME , MRNICEGUYCLIMBER , I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM ALL OF YOU . IT SHOWS ME THAT THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE WHO UNDERSTAND ME . MOST PEOPLE ARE JUST TELLING ME TO FORGET HER . HOW CAN I FORGET A ONE YEAR INTENSE HAPPY , LOVING RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS GOING TOWARDS ENGAGEMENT . I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME IN A DAY . SHE WAS TOTALLY LOVING AND WARM AND BOOM SAYS I DO NT LOVE YOU , LET ME GO . THEN AFTER A WEEK AFTER I DID NC WANTED ME BACK ONLY TO REJECT ME AGAIN BY SAYING SHE DID NOT WANT TO DO IT , SHE WAS NOT READY . THEN SAID IT'S OVER . NEVER TALKED ABOUT FIXING THINGS OR GETTING A REASON . IT HAS BEEN 2 MONTHS NOW . MY LAST CALL I HAD NOT HEARD FROM HER , USUALLY AFTER A WEEK , 2 THIS TIME 3 I WOULD CALL , SHE WOULD CALL BACK . THIS TIME THERE WAS SILENCE . I WAS CONCERNED THAT SHE WAS ILL . I CALLED AND EMAILED. SHE CALLED BACK SAYING SHE IS WITH THIS GUY 3 WEEKS AND HE IS TAKING VERY GOOD CARE OF HER . SHE TOLD ME I AM NOT HER BOYFRIEND AND I SHOULD NOT WORRY ABOUT HER AND I SHOULD LET HER GO AND SHE SAID THAT THEY ARE IN A VER VERY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP NOW . NOW I FIGURED I WILL JUST NOT CONTACT HER . BUT I DID ANSWER HER CALL BY EMAIL TELLING HER I WAS CONCERNED BECAUSE I DID NOT HEAR FROM HER AND I WISHED BEST OF LUCK WITH HER NEW MAN . I DID NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY . IT HURTS SO MUCH . THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ANSWERS IT HELPS . PLEASE GIVE ME MORE THOUGHTS ON THIS . REAL BROKEN I FEEL YOUR PAIN MAN . MRNICEGUYCLIMBER
mrniceguyclimber Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I guess I am a hopeless romantic . I believe in true love . I really love her and I think of her most of the day . It is hard for me , we were together 24/7 . How can she just forget me and one year of total love and togetherness . Will she think of me ? Does she think of me ? Is this new guy in 3 weeks replacing me in her mind and feelings ? Is it that easy to be forgotten ? I was a really great boyfriend to her . How can her stress and problems cause her to leave me ? Do you think in time , she will realize her love for me ? Do you think she really no longer loves me ? How can you shut off love that easily ? Broken man , you are having a hard time and I feel for you . I hope your girlfriend returns . milokins you deserve the best too . I thank all of you for your kind replies and warm thoughts . Thanks , mrniceguyclimber
Love Hurts Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 She used her job as the excuse for her stress or overemphasized it a little. It is so easy to leave a relationship when you are not happy. She found what is referred to as a swinging vine....... She does not have to go through the pain of loss. She is simply replacing one man for another. In order to do that successfully. She must biuld the new guy up in her mind as the better man. Like wise she has mentally cast you down. She now focuses on your flaws, your faults any negatives she can muster up about you... thus it makes it easier to get over you. It supports her new relationship choice, reinforcing her feelings of; she did the right thing. Thus all is well in her world. You on the other hand are left holding the keys to no where. Being alone and taken by surprise you will feel all the pain she can't even imagine. I feel for you... I am sorry to have this opinion of the place you two are in. Wake up,,,, smell the coffee and move on quickly.... or you will linger in what was for a long time and that place is painfull. Good Luck
RealBroken Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Well said......... Ive been told this by female friends too. I think i believe it. My break up was real quick and she was v upset about it, even after,... still in tears. She found someone in a week. I think they transfer your relationship straight to the new one. Right before the break up she was saying how perfect i was and good to her and that we were gonna have a great life together. Then all she did was go negative......... trying to think of reasons to break up. Tried to justify it. She found that other guys were showin interest i think and wasnted to see wats out there. My girl has done just that! Lets just hope that the theory of rebounding relationships dont work out most of the time....... hopefully THEY wake up and smell the coffee too. Yes i treated my girl really well too,... no doubt about it. Don't try to begin to understand it..... i tried and just cant. Maybe its a girl thing , i dunno. I know i cant bare the thought of bein with someone else....... however they seem to just be able to switch. it sucks! Just keep away,...... no contact. If it doesnt work out then hey,..... u never know she might call. But dont call her ever while shes with the other guy.
RealBroken Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 LOVEHURTS; have u had experience with this? or know someone that has. I've been told about this but have a real hard time gettin my head around someone being able to do it. As in trick themselves like that. To do it in the first place it sounds like they'd have to be unsure about their decision.... to be willing themselves to believe its the right thing. is it generally a female strategy. Just being a guy or maybe its just me...... i dont understand how anyone could do it. I'd feel awful and just really uncomfortable to be with someone else so quickly if i had feelings for the other still. Wld still feel like cheating. Wld do it if i didnt ever love the person though i guess. Just cant comprehend in a serious deep relationship. Are you able to extend your thoughts a bit. pleeeaase!
RealBroken Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 MRNICEGUY you did the right thing by saying you wish her best with the new man. its showing her ya not grovelling and beggin,... but rather oh well ok,... i'l move on too huh. She wouldnt have like that too much i would say. Especially if she becomes unsure about the new guy. Well done on that one. When i found out about my ex's new guy i hit the roof! Told her what i thought.... ie disgusting and shallow..... wasnt til later i thought ooops... and sent a card saying hey as long as you're happy......... didnt expect the "dont contact me anymore!" nasty reply but it did happen. Very unexpected. My girl kept saying she has never really bin single and used that for some of her excuse to breakin up...... im kinda hoping that that will work to new guys disadvantage, because she's kinda contradicted herself. Hey may be they're not together after all,.... i really dont know. I think she needs a mental kcik in the butt to wake her up about a few things. What can ya do....... she was young..... i knew it and still took the risk. Life can suck sometimes huh.
RealBroken Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 ANOTHER THING LOVEHURTS; Can you shed any light on why a girl can mentally go from "we have a wonderful special relationship and you are my perfect guy... i love you so much" to "i wanna break up, im not happy" in a matter of a couple of weeks. Cant quite get my head round it. Could it have been other guys gave her attention all of a sudden? Or possibly something else??? Just the speed in which she changed is way over my head. In fact she was really upset when she broke it off. She would say she didnt feel the same.... and then later be crying on the phone after we had broken it off. After we broke it off, she told me things like she was finding it real hard etc and missing me........ until of course new man came along i guess. But yeah if you could shed any light on how the mind can change so much in a girl that would be great! thanks
Guest Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Love Hurts is having a difficult time being accepted by the site today. I want you to know I am responding to your question... Under Guest. Once. Yes I did do that... I was a much younger female at that time, a teenager. When I broke off with my boyfriend, I immediately dated a new guy. The truth is I used the new guy to get over the old one. Yes.. while he occupied my mind and time... I did not have as much time to grieve my loss of the one I loved and left behind. I say *loved and left behind.... He (the original first true love for me) and I agreed to see other people and if true love is ours ... we will reunite and have something solid... Daaaaaaaaa he married his next third date and they are together to this day. Ok,,,,,,,,, the man I hate to say that I.. used.... helped me........ I messed him up a little .... He was due to start his education at a University in Florida to become a veterinarian........... he dropped out after two weeks to come back home for me........... I would'nt answer his calls. I used a vine to help me get out of and onto the next phase of life. I hurt him in the process..... Life is messy.. Shamefully at times we hurt others..... in order not to be hurt ourselves. I am guilty of it..... I am not certain if my confession of ugly is good for me or bad...... I hope it helps you,,, that I was able to dig into my vault of life and find something I am not proud of to help you understand..... what a woman is capable of... Mind you men are more guilty of this than females are. Statistics prove men do not handle lonely as well as females do.. they are 99% more apt to begining a new relationship immediately after a break up in order to do what I just explained.... The good thing about men..... they are also more apt to stay in the new rebound relationship... as appose to a female in the same scenerio may go through five relationships before she settles. Ok,,,,,,,,,, hang in there................. time heals all wounds...... This is a great site.... I have personal problems at this time...... I feel better just responding to others .... it is taking my mind off of my personal turmoil. Keep talking venting is a good thing. God Bless us and our messes.......................
Guest Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Youre in the same boat as me by the sounds of it. My thread is "people sometimes mean not what they say?" Is she young.... She got feelings for someone else.... she is worried about committing to you when you may not be "the one" through lack of experience in relationships she may be wondering "how good can it be". She wants to see whats out there. She's testing the thought with this new guy. It will feel good to her now, as she's just carried on your relationship with him.... she's jumped into the deep end. All we can hope for is that it doesn't work out and they come to discover it was a mistake...... thats all we can do........ and hope that we can find forgiveness if they come back. NO CONTACT IS THE ANSWER as impossible or difficult as it feels. She has to contact YOU, the other way around will push her away every time. We're hear to listen and chat, keep posting.... it helps. Sorry to hijack, but I'm in such a similar situation. We lived together for 3 years. I was the major provider to the household. That caused a lot of internal anxiety. I amde the mistake of closing myself up. I took on an addicting habbit to shake it off, video games I caused her so much neglect and pain it makes me cry to think about how much pain I must have caused her. At any rate, I eventually saw the light but I feel it was too late. She met a guy at work a month after my resolution to her and to myself. He paid attention to her, made her feel happy. She was honest about that and told me about it. Instead of stepping up and saying no, I became scared and prayed for her to make the right decsion. She tried to break it off with him but girls want what they can't have. 3 weeks later she breaks up with me. The next day she sleeps with him. She calls me that afternoon to tell me she is sorry and she did it because I wasn't there for her and that she now knows how much she loved me. So confusing. She says she doesnt regret it for one second, and tells me they had sex 5 times! that night. My God, once is one thing. To me, it was still cheating. Still though, I care for her and her well being so I said I would work on forgiving her but would need a little time alone before I can take the next step. She said it would be too hard that way, but eventually came around to understanding that she owed me that. A few hours later she wants to move out. I'm supportive of her decision, and encourage her personal growth in this matter. It hurt so much but I supported her because I want her to do what she feels is best for her. She said my kindness makes it dififcult for her, and that seeing me in pain makes it difficult for her but says that she is so excited to be out there on her responsible for herself. she wants to learn responsibolity, which I defitnely feel is a good thing for the both of us. I probably tried too much to support our small household alone. It hurts to see her so happy and excited. I feel like I am the trash being thrown on the corner for pickup while she is the BMW scooting downtown to bigger and better things. It's been 3 days since her escapade. I left the house last night until she is moved out completely. I know I sound like a chick, but I need a hug
mrniceguyclimber Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Love Hurts I Commend You . You Seem Like A Great Person With Good Heart . Real Broken You And I Have The Same Type Of Girlfriend . I Read Your Story And It Is Like Unbelievable . I Feel Your Hurt . I Too Do Not Understand How My Gf Can Just Throw Away A Loving One Year Intense Relationship . I Feel Like A Discarded Cup . She Says She Is Being Taken Care Of Very Well By Her 3 Week Man And They Are Serious And I Should Let Her Go . I Am Doing No Contact , But I T Hurts So Bad . Mr. Guest I Know Your Disappointment , I Feel That Way Too . I Do Not Understand These Types Of Behavior . Afterall All I Did Was Love Her . Keep Giving Your Comments . It Helps Me And All Of Us . Take Care . Thanks For Your Good Ideas . So Should I Just Try To Forget Or Be Hopeful And Do No Contact ? Will Calling Her Once And A While Help ? Do You Think Her New Man Will Break Up ? Will It Last ? Does She Think Of Me ? Does She Miss Me ? Will She Come Back ? I Feel Like A Guy That Just Got Dumped For No Reason . She Refuses To Discuss , Does Not Want To Work It Iut . She Just Wants It Over . But Out Of Fairness Don't I Matter At All ? Ok For Now , Thanks Everyone .
rkman Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I'm the guest...I'm new here but in the future I'm defintely extremely excited to see a group of people willing to help all types of relationship issues. At any rate, it helps me a lot, as hard as it is, try to be appy for her and yourself. Look at what you've learned. Try to take those lessons and improve upon yourself. Also, learn the warning signs and what not to go for. To say nice guys finish last is a short term statement, when all of the dust has settled and everything is said and done and the very end of the line, it's the nice guy standing with his head up high. Being happy for her will also help you accept that you deserve something better and different. Don't do what she does, fulfill those dreams you had while you were with her that you couldn't. If she does one day come back, realise that you won't be feelign the lust you feel for her now, you will feel just fine. That is when you can make a good decision for yourself. Myself, I've learned that I need to express my honesty and my emotions outwards. Although I can always admit it to myself, I am too intraverted, which causes difficulties for those who choose to interact with me. The point is simply work on the things that you know causes others to back off, make yourself better than she deserves if you need motivation.
mrniceguyclimber Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 thanks rk . those were kind and inspiring thoughts . i can't jump into a dating situation , i have love for her . it is not right to any new girl that i would meet . i am hoping she returns or in a long time i will start dating . i need time . do you think she will return ? or will she stick with new guy and forget me ? thanks . mrniceguyclimber
MTK Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Guest, Can you explain yourself more about the swinging vine?- I did a web search and couldn't find it anywhere. After you broke up with him, what was his reaction? Did he pursue you more or go into NC? Did he change after the breakup for better or worse? Would you have gone out with him again? Did he drive you away? If he did change a lot for the better, and you didn't see him for many months, would you have been more apt to go back? Just curious as I think there are many that would be interested in the right steps to take to make an Ex miss us more and have them back but also to see the inside of the female mind. To us men, it's scarier than shark diving with prime rib stuck to our body.
RealBroken Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Yup, scary all right. Definately finding it hard to trust what a woman says now. Has happened to me more than once. They declare their love and how happy the are then tomorrow they move out and hook up with someone new. Im losing faith. And these girls ive been with (im picky) were what i though lovely genuine girls with morals. What the hell is happening?!?! You think ur doin everything right then BANG! Maybe i should date older women. YES DEFINATELY........ strategies to ex's missing you. For either reconciliation.... revenge....... what ever. Im also sceptical of this total no contact thing aswell. What if the possibility lies to rekindle the love that you both may eventually lose...........however the relationship is worth what it was. Sometimes life events can make even the best of relationships not work out. My ex agreed that maybe if we had met later in life (ie a year) hat things may have been different. Now no contact for a long enough period..... obviously means the BOTH.... yes BOTH of you will move apart. For the chance a rekindling that spark...... who makes the move. YOU or THEM.... or do you sit around SILENTLY forgetting or ignoring what could be wonderful again. Does it REALLY have to be them to make the first move again.... or CAN it be you..... seriously. The big question is guess is after HOW LONG. They also say it must be done while they are single again. WHY is that? They may have left you for someone...... and they def werent single then. guess ya dont wanna be anothers rebound though huh.
Diver012 Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 This sort of things happens a lot. Happened to me. Yeah she messed me up. Yeah she knows it. I want nothing to do with her and No Contact is no problem, except for work. I know she is with someone else. I know she was dating this guy before we spit up. I know she lied to me. I dont need that kind of person in my life and have no desire to even be friends let alone, co-workers. Sometimes when things end badly like this, there is never ever any going back. Theres just to many hard feelings.
dancehead Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 She does not have to go through the pain of loss. She is simply replacing one man for another. In order to do that successfully. She must biuld the new guy up in her mind as the better man. Like wise she has mentally cast you down. She now focuses on your flaws, your faults any negatives she can muster up about you... thus it makes it easier to get over you. It supports her new relationship choice, reinforcing her feelings of; she did the right thing. Thus all is well in her world. Just read this thread I feel your pain I am going through it myself. I'm sure my ex is comparing me to her new guy and focussing on all the things that he does for her that i didn't do. Or the bad things like arguing, that I didn't do. reading this makes me think the best thing I could do is go for a drink with her trying to re-create the good times from when we were friends. Then it will be harder for her to remember the bad and she'll only miss the good. its amazing how many men are on here trying to work out a womans mind and are analysing them so much. I thought I was the only one who did this!
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