Guest Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 so yesturday i got a call from my MM wife. She didnt seem to have any idea who i was, she said she was calling b/c she found my number on her phone bill. so naturally i denied knowing how it got there. I had played the whole thing over and over again in my mind. There were so many different ways I wanted to re-do it. Most of all I just wanted to be honest, and tell her the truth. I had really hoped that she would have this witch-like attitude, and ya know, kind of give me some kind of justification for what i had been doing. All i kept thinking was how kind and polite she seemed on the phone, and what the hell did i do w/ my morals??!! Then MM calls, i guess to give me the low down on what had happend, and I know it must have been bad. All i wanted to do was be there for him, but i couldnt bring myself to talk to him. Like i have no desire to now. He e-mailed me, and i deleted it. Im really not sure where this puts us. I know how much he loves her, despite the whole separation deal thats going on, he'd do whatever he could to help her, and protect her, and to make her happy(which is part of the reason he feels a divorce is so necessary). and whatever went on when he got home, couldnt have been pretty, and i know that he'll stick by her however she may need him, and he feels is best. Man, i cant believe i got myself into all this. Myself and everyone else involved.
movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 You don't give too many details. How long have you been seeing him? Has he told her he was going to get separated? He's sticking by her because he loves her so much? I'm confused. In any event, she's checking the phone records. Something is going on that would lead her to do that. You denied knowing anything when she called, understandable. However, if the call was for more than 1 minute, she knows better. It wouldn't have been a wrong number if it was any longer than that. And now she has your number. Are you in NC? Is that why you didn't pick up the call from him? Is that why you deleted the e-mail? I'm sure she's a very nice woman! And it makes it harder for you to do what you're doing. Then again, my exMM's W was not. And I got many nasty phone calls. But that just helped me in a way because I knew what she was like and it helped justify to me why he wanted to be with me. I often said to him, "How can you live with that woman?" The fights that would ensue with her when he got caught were unbelievable. You would think he would have just left rather than having to deal with it. Then I think, how bad could it be? Angers subside, she threatens what she'll do, you gotta take care of the kids, life goes on. She hangs on. No matter what he tells me, it can't be that bad if he's still there.
stillafool Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Probably her intuition told her. The other thing I notice when I've been in the W's position but was not married yet and still dating; it seems God let's you know and leads you to the right things to help you find out. My H and I were just talking about that the other night. His 1st W cheated on him and he was never suspicious and then one day he said every thing started to unfold to show him. Guest you're in a really tough position now and I feel for you. I probably wouldn't want to know what happened over there yet either.
Guest Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 You don't give too many details. How long have you been seeing him? Has he told her he was going to get separated? He's sticking by her because he loves her so much? I'm confused. In any event, she's checking the phone records. Something is going on that would lead her to do that. You denied knowing anything when she called, understandable. However, if the call was for more than 1 minute, she knows better. It wouldn't have been a wrong number if it was any longer than that. And now she has your number. Are you in NC? Is that why you didn't pick up the call from him? Is that why you deleted the e-mail? I'm sure she's a very nice woman! And it makes it harder for you to do what you're doing. Then again, my exMM's W was not. And I got many nasty phone calls. But that just helped me in a way because I knew what she was like and it helped justify to me why he wanted to be with me. I often said to him, "How can you live with that woman?" The fights that would ensue with her when he got caught were unbelievable. You would think he would have just left rather than having to deal with it. Then I think, how bad could it be? Angers subside, she threatens what she'll do, you gotta take care of the kids, life goes on. She hangs on. No matter what he tells me, it can't be that bad if he's still there. You know MO..... I have been assessing and re-assessing the MM's position of "why" they do not leave the marriage even if the marriage lacks "love" and "lust". Unlike women who are built with more emotion and would most likely take "love over money" than a man, I really don't feel Men can let go of the "Financial" loss of leaving a marriage. So when it comes down to actually leaving the marriage, I'm sure they are thinking "$$$" even if the wife is financially independant. Also men in my opinion, tend to be more "needy" than women. We all know "what babies" men can be! So when it does come time to "Divorce" they are probably overwhelmed with having to deal those types of matters. I am sure that many MM have "real" love in their hearts for their OW, but when push comes to shove, I really believe "money" rules their hearts.
BUTAFLY Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 If she is curioius about the phone number and calls that means she knows whats going on ..,..she was reaching out for answers fo make the best decision for her life and you denied her that(eventhough she should be getting them from H). Understandable though. I met the wife in a shopping mall (she didn't know who I was). and I wanted to come clean with her but didn't. And I too replay that day over in my head, but I was so taken back by how nice she was-opposite of the way he protrayed her.
THX2000 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Probably her intuition told her. The other thing I notice when I've been in the W's position but was not married yet and still dating; it seems God let's you know and leads you to the right things to help you find out. My H and I were just talking about that the other night. His 1st W cheated on him and he was never suspicious and then one day he said every thing started to unfold to show him. Guest you're in a really tough position now and I feel for you. I probably wouldn't want to know what happened over there yet either. I think you are spot on there. As a man I had an idea that something was up with my ex for the last 6 months we were together. She was a VERY good liar and convinced me that I was just being overly jealous and controlling (if I was I doubt that an affair could have occured!). In any event I just knew in my heart something was wrong and finally found the proof in my cell phone records, digital cameras and computers. I think women are much more in tune to clueing in to a partner cheating than men and clueing in to lies.
babydoll_mimi Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Hon, I'm pretty sure that the W already knows. Unless she's like my MM's W, chances are that she isn't just calling every number on his phone bill. More likely, she noticed plenty of lengthy calls between the two of you. I'm surprised she even hung up pretending to believe your story. I say this because obviously your phone number didn't arrive on his invoice accidently. If she did hang up, "believing" what you told her, chances are she's either gathering info to use against him in court, or she wants to gather info to decide what to do w/ her marriage. Also, as much as it's gonna hurt, I'd say to try and stay away from him. I don't say this because the W called you, but rather b/c you admitted that he still loves her, and wants to protect her and be there for her etc. This sounds like it would only hurt you even more, even though he may not be IN LOVE w/ her anymore, he obviously still cares very much for her. Hang in there, and try to be tough!
movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 You know MO..... I have been assessing and re-assessing the MM's position of "why" they do not leave the marriage even if the marriage lacks "love" and "lust". Unlike women who are built with more emotion and would most likely take "love over money" than a man, I really don't feel Men can let go of the "Financial" loss of leaving a marriage. So when it comes down to actually leaving the marriage, I'm sure they are thinking "$$$" even if the wife is financially independant. Also men in my opinion, tend to be more "needy" than women. We all know "what babies" men can be! So when it does come time to "Divorce" they are probably overwhelmed with having to deal those types of matters. I am sure that many MM have "real" love in their hearts for their OW, but when push comes to shove, I really believe "money" rules their hearts. Not to TJ, but I can most certainly agree with you regarding finances. exMM didn't want to lose his cabin and has 2 kids to put through college. That's all he really cared about. But he was kind of a "baby" and very used to having her do everything. She was the energizer bunny. Always going, going, going. If he needed something, she was out to a store to get it. She took care of the bills, the house, worked, was always out shopping, etc. He said this kind of bothered him in a way because she was always "doing" and not taking much time to pay attention to him. She was also a little heartless in my mind because he works outside and inside in unairconditioned hot places in construction, and also in extreme cold. When he was wiped out from being out in the heat all day, having to be in long sleeves and long pants, and hard hats and gloves, she would just say "That's too bad. You chose this profession, so deal with it!" No compassion whatsoever. I think it was things like that that bothered him. But I have to say, for all she does for the family,and from him saying to me "Are you going to be able to take care of me?", I seriously had some doubts. I thought, Good Lord, how would I ever keep up with that? I like to spread my time out, taking care of things, but also taking care of my man!! I also believe she lacked the "emotional" physical part of the relationship. Who knows!
target-d Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 You know MO..... I have been assessing and re-assessing the MM's position of "why" they do not leave the marriage even if the marriage lacks "love" and "lust". Unlike women who are built with more emotion and would most likely take "love over money" than a man, I really don't feel Men can let go of the "Financial" loss of leaving a marriage. So when it comes down to actually leaving the marriage, I'm sure they are thinking "$$$" even if the wife is financially independant. Also men in my opinion, tend to be more "needy" than women. We all know "what babies" men can be! So when it does come time to "Divorce" they are probably overwhelmed with having to deal those types of matters. I am sure that many MM have "real" love in their hearts for their OW, but when push comes to shove, I really believe "money" rules their hearts. This sounds like the same-old same-old. There are MANY reasons why MM or MW don't leave their marriages. Sometimes it is no doubt due to financial considerations. Sometimes it is due to children or family or "face". What it really comes down to though is the fact that they SIMPLY DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE! They honestly love their spouses. What they've been doing with us is just playtime. A momentary blip on their life's horizon. Don't try to convince yourself that you are the real love of his/her life, and that they are only staying with their spouse out of <fill-in-the-blank>. If you were the real love of their life in the way that you WANT to be and DESERVE to be, they would be with you. If they aren't with you, then it's because they don't want to be - not really.
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 A momentary blip on their life's horizon. That's how I feel about my role in my xMM's life. He says that I'm more than that as he wouldn't have left his wife if I was, but I was a blip as he went back. He's an a**h***.
movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 That's how I feel about my role in my xMM's life. He says that I'm more than that as he wouldn't have left his wife if I was, but I was a blip as he went back. He's an a**h***. Yes, I would say your MM ranks right there at the top!!
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Yes, I would say your MM ranks right there at the top!! HA!! I know... You know, the a**h*** is really an important part of the body.... ever been constipated before? I really shouldn't glorify him with such importance, eh?
movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 HA!! I know... You know, the a**h*** is really an important part of the body.... ever been constipated before? I really shouldn't glorify him with such importance, eh? Oh God, good one!! :lmao: :lmao: Here's a bunny for you anyway!!!
stillhere Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Damn, if my MM's wife called me, there is no doubt she would know something is up. Some days, we talk at 5 different times. And at all hours. We both would be so busted. She pays all the bills, but she doesn't get the itemized billing for the cell, and he tries to make sure she doesn't need a reason to get one! I've just come to terms with the fact that my MM loves his wife, and i now know that he really isn't leaving. His reasons were for his kids and that he doesn't have 1/4 million to give her. And i really don't think that he wants to hurt her either. She has exactly what i want, but i can't bad mouth her, she is an amazing woman, wife, and mother. She takes care of everything like MO's exMM's wife did. I couldn't compete with that either!
movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Damn, if my MM's wife called me, there is no doubt she would know something is up. Some days, we talk at 5 different times. And at all hours. We both would be so busted. She pays all the bills, but she doesn't get the itemized billing for the cell, and he tries to make sure she doesn't need a reason to get one! I've just come to terms with the fact that my MM loves his wife, and i now know that he really isn't leaving. His reasons were for his kids and that he doesn't have 1/4 million to give her. And i really don't think that he wants to hurt her either. She has exactly what i want, but i can't bad mouth her, she is an amazing woman, wife, and mother. She takes care of everything like MO's exMM's wife did. I couldn't compete with that either! Then you don't. And you go out and try to begin your life again. It will be much harder staying in this relationship, but in time, you just might realize its not enough and want more for yourself. That's the realization I came to.
THX2000 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Damn, if my MM's wife called me, there is no doubt she would know something is up. Some days, we talk at 5 different times. And at all hours. We both would be so busted. She pays all the bills, but she doesn't get the itemized billing for the cell, and he tries to make sure she doesn't need a reason to get one! I've just come to terms with the fact that my MM loves his wife, and i now know that he really isn't leaving. His reasons were for his kids and that he doesn't have 1/4 million to give her. And i really don't think that he wants to hurt her either. She has exactly what i want, but i can't bad mouth her, she is an amazing woman, wife, and mother. She takes care of everything like MO's exMM's wife did. I couldn't compete with that either! This is the one aspect of these types of relationships that I just can't rationalize. You know that what you (and more so he) are doing will destroy her life but you do it anyway? You sound like a good person and obviously don't hate the wife so why be involved with the guy? I just don't understand......
stillhere Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Stupid, i know, but i was unhappy in my marriage, and i wanted sex. SEX, SEX, and MORE SEX. Didn't want it from my H, so i just didn't get any. I was surviving. Then, the hot guy at work, who i had a crush on from day one but never let on that i did cuz it was not like him, asked me for my cell number. BINGO, just what i wanted. He made me happy, and in turn i made him happy. Well, i started to fall for him. And i told him i was because we talked more than we f***ed. Should have stopped there, but we didn't. As time went by, he also fell in love with me, and here we are. I listened to my urges, and not my head. If i could go back in time, i'm not sure what i would do. I left my H, by the way. I was unhappy for the last 3 years. And no, it wasn't for my MM. I left him for me.
CantCutitOff Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Funny - even though I know my MM's wife is a phone bill checker (he's said he's been yelled at for long calls to women - including me - before)... I never thought about "what if she called..." If she did, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably come clean & take whatever she said. But b/c of the phone bill thing, he started to only call me from work or call my office or I would call him. Uggh - feel dirty just thinking about it (the sketchiness & sneaking around, not the "what if she called").
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Stupid, i know, but i was unhappy in my marriage, and i wanted sex. SEX, SEX, and MORE SEX. Didn't want it from my H, so i just didn't get any. I was surviving. Then, the hot guy at work, who i had a crush on from day one but never let on that i did cuz it was not like him, asked me for my cell number. BINGO, just what i wanted. He made me happy, and in turn i made him happy. Well, i started to fall for him. And i told him i was because we talked more than we f***ed. Should have stopped there, but we didn't. As time went by, he also fell in love with me, and here we are. I listened to my urges, and not my head. If i could go back in time, i'm not sure what i would do. I left my H, by the way. I was unhappy for the last 3 years. And no, it wasn't for my MM. I left him for me. sounds pretty familiar... but we fell in love talking with each other and not much started until I separated from my H. His W was away and that's when we began and he left her when she got back... for me. He said that he never connected with anyone on so many levels and couldn't imagine life without me in it. He moved in with me right away. Funny... he moved home now. Finally convinced his W to take him back after x'mas. Seeing him daily is soooo painful. If she called me now, I would tell her how sorry that our actions have caused her much pain. That I am most sorry that he had to break my heart in order for him to figure out what was important to him in his life.
BUTAFLY Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 You know MO..... I have been assessing and re-assessing the MM's position of "why" they do not leave the marriage even if the marriage lacks "love" and "lust". Unlike women who are built with more emotion and would most likely take "love over money" than a man, I really don't feel Men can let go of the "Financial" loss of leaving a marriage. So when it comes down to actually leaving the marriage, I'm sure they are thinking "$$$" even if the wife is financially independant. Also men in my opinion, tend to be more "needy" than women. We all know "what babies" men can be! So when it does come time to "Divorce" they are probably overwhelmed with having to deal those types of matters. I am sure that many MM have "real" love in their hearts for their OW, but when push comes to shove, I really believe "money" rules their hearts. Its cheaper to keep her but sometimes I think thats an excuse...I have heard of marriages breaking up over finacial issues, but not staying together because of it.
RealityCheck Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Its cheaper to keep her but sometimes I think thats an excuse...I have heard of marriages breaking up over finacial issues, but not staying together because of it. The quoted response to your reply was actually from me! Forgot to login!.... Anyway, in my situation my exMM says that he is staying for "financial" reasons. Meaning not willing to split pension! WTF....
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