movinon05 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Then keep on telling yourself that during your NC days. DO a good/bad list. I recently helped someone out on another thread by her doing this. Write out all the good things you like about him and how he makes you feel. Do another list with all the bad things - How bad he can make you feel, how negative and unhealthy the actual situtions is, and HIS bad qualities too. I'm betting you that the bad list will be ALOT longer than the good list. Oh hey, I did this!! My list was 5 good and 31 bad!!! Yet I still hung in there for about 5 more months. I recall one day crying incessantly to my best friend, feeling completely defeated and like I was worth nothing and I deserved nothing better. My poor friend! Thank God for her! I'd never hit such bottom!! But once I did, it was all up from there!
grateful Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 All OW's fill a void somewhere in their relationship that the W isn't fullfilling. Whether it's sex, or companionship, we have something that they just aren't willing to provide. That's not always true. Sometimes MM just want some on the side. Why not?.... if the OW is willing? In many cases it isn't about what the wife isn't willing to provide, but the selfish need of the MM for something new.
stillhere Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 He wouldn't be wandering off if he got everything he wanted at home. Granted, some can resist the urges, and keep themselves in check, but obviously many want more of something that their W isn't giving up..........
Chump64 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Not sure if BS are allowed to post, but I am the BS. The OW met me, knew me, and was a friend until recently. So was her husband; we’ve hung out with them on and off for 15 years. We have been at her house many times and she at ours. We’ve visited each other while we had babies, when kids graduated from high school, when her husband graduated with a PhD, etc. Verah twisted. If a BS was not meeting a WS's needs, and that’s allegedly why the cheating occurred, very often those needs have not been communicated adequately. It’s a vicious cycle of who did or didn’t do what, and who did or didn’t make it adequately clear that they needed XYZ done. The “needs” thing is not usually the only reason for infidelity. That's a simplistic way of thinking. Often there are many reasons.
erika2610 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 He wouldn't be wandering off if he got everything he wanted at home. Granted, some can resist the urges, and keep themselves in check, but obviously many want more of something that their W isn't giving up.......... That's not always true. Alot of men are just selfish, they want to have their cake and eat it too. They're called cake eaters. If things were so bad at home, they can always leave..
Guest Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I have met the W on several occasions. I had several interactions with her long before MM and I became involved (2 years to be exact). First time we met at company party, I found her to be unfriendly and standoffish. Didn't seem to want to be there and obviously not having a good time. The second time I spoke to her when calling him at home regarding a work issue, she immediately snapped at me until she figured out who I was. She then became apologetic and very inquisitive about why I was calling. The affair has now been going on for over 10 years. Since then I've had several interactions with her at various times. Her and I are definately total opposites personality wise, even more so now that she suspects. Between MM and I, there is no intent of either one of us leaving our SO's. At times MM complains about her domineering nature, but I'm careful not to go along with him as it would be easy to get on the bash wagon.
movinon05 Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 He wouldn't be wandering off if he got everything he wanted at home. Granted, some can resist the urges, and keep themselves in check, but obviously many want more of something that their W isn't giving up.......... Yes, I have to agree with the others. If a H doesn't ask the W, how is she supposed to know. Dynamics change in a marriage as time goes on. I think people get complacent. They don't try to work on the things that matter to each other or sometimes feel they don't have to after awhile. And that's when the trouble begins. I feel sad for the guy up in infidelity or marriage partners who loves his wife but is losing desire for her because she has gained 80 pounds! And I give him credit for trying to talk to her about it. But she doesn't care. She has no intention of losing the weight, she likes herself that way, and she doesn't care if they ever have sex again!!! I mean, come on! Marriage is a two way street. I don't want to jump start the whole weight issue here, but its really sad to read what he wrote. And its just one example of why someone could easily stray. I realize this gives credence to what stillhere says, but at least the guy tried to talk to his wife other than going elsewhere, even if it didn't get the result he wanted.
RealityCheck Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Yes, I have to agree with the others. If a H doesn't ask the W, how is she supposed to know. Dynamics change in a marriage as time goes on. I think people get complacent. They don't try to work on the things that matter to each other or sometimes feel they don't have to after awhile. And that's when the trouble begins. I feel sad for the guy up in infidelity or marriage partners who loves his wife but is losing desire for her because she has gained 80 pounds! And I give him credit for trying to talk to her about it. But she doesn't care. She has no intention of losing the weight, she likes herself that way, and she doesn't care if they ever have sex again!!! I mean, come on! Marriage is a two way street. I don't want to jump start the whole weight issue here, but its really sad to read what he wrote. And its just one example of why someone could easily stray. I realize this gives credence to what stillhere says, but at least the guy tried to talk to his wife other than going elsewhere, even if it didn't get the result he wanted. This is exactly what lead my exMM to infidelity! His W just let herself go completely! He did try and talk to her about it, but as time went by she got more sloppy, lazy and over weight! That was her choice. More than anything, I stay fit for myself! If I look good, I feel good! For me, I couldn't be sexually attracted to something sloppy! NEVER!
grateful Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 He wouldn't be wandering off if he got everything he wanted at home. Granted, some can resist the urges, and keep themselves in check, but obviously many want more of something that their W isn't giving up.......... Not true. Some men have everything they want at home. I know a couple in their 40s. They've had kids and she is gorgeous! Looks 25. He cheats like you wouldn't believe. He believes its just a biological reality that men need to wander. He told me that he intends to tell his daughters that that's how men are, they can expect this from their future partners, and its OK as long as he doesn't bring it home. I felt so sad for those girls when he told me this, but what can you do... there is no talking to this man or I would have tried.
BUTAFLY Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Then keep on telling yourself that during your NC days. DO a good/bad list. I recently helped someone out on another thread by her doing this. Write out all the good things you like about him and how he makes you feel. Do another list with all the bad things - How bad he can make you feel, how negative and unhealthy the actual situtions is, and HIS bad qualities too. I'm betting you that the bad list will be ALOT longer than the good list. I did a pro/ con list before i dated him. the con was longer than the pro's. I told him on paper he is not for me, but he continued to persue me and I caved in (damn those boyish looks and charm). and looked what happened. always trust your first intinct.
makerm4me Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 I have never met the w. I have only seen pictures of her. In the pictures she looks like a nice person, or what a nice person might look like. But mm never really says anything too bad about her. Just that they have problems and thier marriage is not a happy one. Every once in a while he will make a comment about her in a negative way but it is not ver y often and nothing like she is a crazy b or anything like that.
scarletletter Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I have never met the wife, but I have seen pictures and do know other people who know her. From what I can gather, MM is right on the money when he tells me about her. She is a very good mother, but a terribal wife. This was verified by her brother-in-law and several others. She pays no attention to him ever and if she does it is sarcasm or very critical. I really don't care to ever meet her. MM does not talk too negative about her around me because he says he doesn't want to waste our time together talking about her. Of course I ask questions, and he will answer them. He also says she is a good mother, but that's about it.
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