stillhere Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Talked to my MM yesterday. He's not leaving her. No if's and's or but's about it. I have finally realized this. Although he has told me that he wasn't, i just looked for that little ray of hope that he someday will. I thought the more he fell in love with me, the closer i was getting to making him mine all mine. Needless to say, i've been depressed ever since, cried my eyes out while i was on the phone with him. This morning was torture, but seeing him made it a little better. He did what he could to make me smile. Now the sad truth.........Knowing all that i know, i'm not ready to give him up. I told him, that some day, i will walk away, but right now i'm not ready. I know the sooner i did this, the sooner i would start healing, but i'm not going to hold myself back either. I'm going out and i'm going to have fun. I'm not going to worry about what he thinks. I'm going to stop writing for a while. You guys have all been great, and your insight is wonderful, but i'm stubborn and i'm going to do what i want, regardless of what anyone tells me. I even frustrate myself often, knowing that i shouldn't do something, but i do it anyways. I guess i need to make my own mistakes to learn from them. I know what i'm in for, and apparently i'm willing to take that roller coaster ride to hell and back, maybe even a few times. As that old saying goes "if you love something set it free, it will come back if it was meant to be." We're not meant to be apparently, so i'm going to hold on for dear life and love him as much as i can until that fateful day comes. I wish you girls luck, and thank you for everything. I think a lot of what you guys said really hit home, and made me realize all this a lot sooner. You gave me the courage to ask him what i really didn't want to know, but knew in the end.
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 You'll know when that time comes to say ENOUGH and end it. I think you realizing that he really isn't going to leave his wife is going to sink in alot more quickly than you realize. Right now, why would he leave his wife when he has you and her at the same time? His life is fantastic!! Why would he change things? Think about that for a second... Detach yourself at your own pace. Don't let yourself get caught up in it. It may feel "real" to you, but realistically it isn't. Your allowing that love to hit you and it's a false reality. Good luck and enjoy your friends too. GO have fun, be silly, be with your girl friends. Don't make him your focus anymore. Put yourself first!
movinon05 Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Good luck to you. This was me a few years ago, only I was telling my friend and sisters. Get yourself out there and live in the meantime. We'll be here for you should you need us, just like my family was here for me.
Author stillhere Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 Thanks WWIU, He told me that it's not because he wouldn't leave, he can't. And i agree with him 100%. I'm not worth leaving for. I can't blame him, and i can't be mad at him. Why throw away everything for something that may not last? He told me straight up, that he's in love with me, and he's in love with her. I realized then, that he would never be mine. As long as he still loved her, there was no way i could steal enough of his heart to make walking away from her easy. I think this realization will make it easier for me to walk away sooner than i thought i would. And i'm going to start putting myself first. I'm going to start seeing other guys. Although i don't want to, i'm going to make a conscious effort to do so. Some day i will be happy, and i can look back on all the great times he and i shared and smile, knowing that we did make some amazing memories together, and i know he will do the same.
Author stillhere Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 Thanks MO..........You girls are really amazing. Sharing your stories and heartaches, to try and protect others from making the same mistakes, and helping them heal. Some day i hope to be just as wise and do the same as you guys are doing. Hopefully by then, we will all have found wonderful men to complete our lives and have them love only us.
kymberann Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Hi Still, I am right there with you. You need to let this be your own process. Just remember you are worth more/better/ the committed relationship, but it is hard to break away from what is going on right now. I just think it takes too much energy for our MM to make that change. Remember it isn't about you, it's about him and his own stuff. That's how I have come to view this. It is so hard engaging in this relationship, but still having to hold back for fear of facing the inevitable and losing it all, but still wanting to go on and knowing you'll still get hurt because you know there is more going on under the surface. Friday was an awful day for me. I cried and cried. Partly because I am still attached, partly because I know I have to let go. I think I started grieving what hasn't happened yet. So how do I do this? I don't know yet. Sunday we spent the morning together, I felt better but no resolved answers/feelings. Monday MM and I went for a road ride (bikes) in the mountains and I kept a low profile, went off on my own. He could tell something was up, but what's the point. Today we went running, we have a marathon to run on Saturday so we are always training, doing something. Today he really noticed something was up. I just kept quiet, smiled when I needed to . He kept asking if I was "ok" and if something was wrong. I can tell I've started to pull away. It's weird I want to but I don't want to. Any way long and short of it. He told me he would call later in the week so we can go do something on Friday. I left it open, no committments. So we shall see, is this the beginning of the end? And HELL it's scary not really knowing what the end is just yet! So hang in there, we are all in this together! Best!
Blind Illusion Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 StillHere, you do know that you don't need to stop posting simply because you are still with this particular MM. Life isn't this picture perfect entity and right now, you having the MM in your life in some capacity is better than not. Make no apologies or explanations about it. It really isn't about being stubborn...it's about feelings and what you are ready for. Besides, life is a process. Things don't happen overnight. If its any consolation, I don't know where I am in this whole scenario either.
babydoll_mimi Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I agree w/ Blind Illusion. You don't have to stop posting or visiting this site b/c you chose to stay w/ him. More than half of us here are still seeing our MM. Yes, we might give advice that sounds something like "look for someone who can give ALL of himself, you deserve better than a MM, etc..." We say these thing b/c the truth is easy to see from an outsiders view. This is why, perhaps, we don't always take our own advice. It's because it's easy to point out the obvious solution to everyone else, but somehow, it breaks our heart to follow that same advice. All I'm trying to say, is if you feel you'd like to continue to post, or reply, feel free to do so! Honey, you're in a tough spot right now. We all are, actually. I'm not going to tell you any more about what you deserve, because you have heard that already. I will tell you that I no matter what your religion (or lack thereof), prayer and faith will help you through this time. I'd like to recommend to you, and everyone else actually, the book The Purpose Driven Life. Ironically, my MM is the one who introduced me to it.lol. Good luck w/ your situation, I hope it works out in the best way for you.
Author stillhere Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 Thank you everyone again! I guess my decision to stop writing was because i didn't want you to waste your words of wisdom on someone who really isn't all that willing to follow them. You're right, i have a tough road ahead of me. I sent my MM's brother a text message (we are good friends, and he doesn't know about his brother and me) and told him that he and i and his friend are going out saturday. And no, i would never date his brother. Not my type. But his friend is a hottie!!!!!! We'll see what happens. We've gone out plenty of times already, but i never showed any interest in this friend, i'm thinking i might have to start! I have to let go when i'm ready, and only i will know when that time has come. My MM already told me that when i do decide, he will back off and let me try to have a normal life and to be happy like i deserve. What makes it a little easier is that he does understand how i feel, and he too knows that he can't make me happy like i deserve, so he's willing to let go of his selfish feelings, and set me free when i'm ready. I will never stop loving him, and he won't stop loving me, but we both realize that i'm the one on the losing end. He lays awake at night, upset, because he can't give me what i really need.
movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I'll only say this once to you and I won't expound. If he won't change his mind and he loves you that much, he will let you go. (((Hugs)))
TravelingMan Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 stillhere.... your post actually gave me a ray of hope. As a MM myself of 16 yrs, i began something with a single woman 5 months ago who i have completely fallen in love with. Now i've been separated for 6 mos. She too was involved with another MM a long time ago and got burned the same way you have, he wouldnt leave his wife, blah blah. Recently she broke contact with me, saying it was too hard to deal with and that her feelings for me were too strong and she wouldn't let herself fall deeper for me and be hurt again. I understand that, kinda. I have assured her so many times that she would never be the OW and that she is the ONLY woman since i've separated. I have not pursued a divorce as yet for strictly financial reasons (taxes, property, etc) but its inevitable within the next several months. I have a love for this new woman in my life that i haven't felt in several years and am willing to do whatever i can for us be together. I have talked to an attorney about divorce and my options, but thats about it. Like your MM, I too am dreading the hurt and pain I will cause which is another reason for my procrastination. You have given me hope that if her feelings for me are truly as deep as she claims, then hopefully she will have some patience while I get my act together. I will not be resentful if she decides to move on, as you certainly can, and will begin the healing process. I've been sick to my stomach for the last several weeks about this, hoping for some miracle that she'll wait for me.
Author stillhere Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 You're right, if he really does love me, he will let me go. And i know that he will. He will have a hard time seeing me with someone else, because i was "his" for so long. And i will have a hard time bringing someone "new" around him, especially if it is someone he already knows very well. I guess only time will tell. Right now, i'm taking it hour by hour! I'll work up to days from there! *sigh* Why does life have to be so hard? And i'm used to getting what i want, i guess i need to learn at some point that the world doesn't revolve around me.
Author stillhere Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 TravelingMan.......... He told me that he doesn't think he is strong enough to go through a divorce, and i believe him. He has never lied to me. And i respect him so much for that. He has way more to lose than he has to gain with me. He's thought about what would happen if she were to find out about us, and both of us try not to think about it. I believe she would leave him, as she would never be able to trust him again. She never questions where he has been. He comes and goes as he pleases. No one would ever believe that he would be unfaithful to her. Him and his W don't fight, ever. They are wonderful friends, and i'm still confused as to how we ever came to be, but that's beside the point. From sharing my experience, i'm glad i could help someone. I wish you luck as well, i'm sure you're going to need it because you are in for a rough ride, just like me.
TravelingMan Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 stillhere... thanks for the reply. Actually i can understand his point... but just a little bit. I too am finding it hard to "go through" with it. And I dont even have children. I even told her that I would welcome her advice (from a woman's perspective) on how to go about "breaking the news." Then she said she wanted no part of my divorce and didnt want to be involved in any way, which is understandable. But now im left with her NC'g me and feeling pretty low. I really miss her conversations and laugh. She never once told me to leave my wife, and only once said that if I wanted to be with her to "do something about it." I kinda admire that in her, but like you said, only time will tell. GL to you.
Author stillhere Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 I would move heaven and earth to be with him, if i knew it was possible for him to be with me. I am also being selfish when i wish for him to give up everything and turn his entire world upside down. He said that he still feels the same about her as he did 20 years ago when he met her. His main reason for staying, the kids. I don't understand, like i said, how we ever got to be in this situation in the first place, but we're here, and in way too deep. I can't blame him, and i put myself in his shoes also. If i was in his situation, i wouldn't leave for me. That makes it a little easier for me to cope as well. Really trying to know what he's thinking. And like i said, he doesn't lie to me or fill my head with empty promises, so that too helps. If she really loves you or cares for you, she will wait. I know i would. I would even wait 5 years if he told me that he would leave her then. Crazy? Yes!!! But in my eyes he's worth it. Although it would never happen, that's exactly what i would do.
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Thank you everyone again! I guess my decision to stop writing was because i didn't want you to waste your words of wisdom on someone who really isn't all that willing to follow them. You're right, i have a tough road ahead of me. I sent my MM's brother a text message (we are good friends, and he doesn't know about his brother and me) and told him that he and i and his friend are going out saturday. And no, i would never date his brother. Not my type. But his friend is a hottie!!!!!! We'll see what happens. We've gone out plenty of times already, but i never showed any interest in this friend, i'm thinking i might have to start! I have to let go when i'm ready, and only i will know when that time has come. My MM already told me that when i do decide, he will back off and let me try to have a normal life and to be happy like i deserve. What makes it a little easier is that he does understand how i feel, and he too knows that he can't make me happy like i deserve, so he's willing to let go of his selfish feelings, and set me free when i'm ready. I will never stop loving him, and he won't stop loving me, but we both realize that i'm the one on the losing end. He lays awake at night, upset, because he can't give me what i really need. Still, we're here for you... you do not waste our time and you need to walk this path the best you can doing what's best for you. We'll be here if you ever need us... the group may not be the same as time passes, but there'll be support here... I'm sure of it. Much love and many hugs. Z.
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 stillhere... thanks for the reply. Actually i can understand his point... but just a little bit. I too am finding it hard to "go through" with it. And I dont even have children. I even told her that I would welcome her advice (from a woman's perspective) on how to go about "breaking the news." Then she said she wanted no part of my divorce and didnt want to be involved in any way, which is understandable. But now im left with her NC'g me and feeling pretty low. I really miss her conversations and laugh. She never once told me to leave my wife, and only once said that if I wanted to be with her to "do something about it." I kinda admire that in her, but like you said, only time will tell. GL to you. Will you regret the divorce if she is not there waiting for you? If not, then I think you are in a right place. When you are available and if she is available, then there is hope that you will be together. Good luck to you TM. You sound like a really fair guy.
TravelingMan Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I will not regret the divorce as 75% of the decision will be because I need it, we need it. The other 25% is because of my new found love, which is probably unfair but i've never told her that. I will never regret any decision I make, I may feel horrible if things dont work out the way I hope, but will not regret it. I live by the following words: "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so quickly, but that we wait so long to begin it." The W and I have been really unhappy for the last few years and have never talked about our problems or the D word or even wanted to try, we just separated and let what happens happens. I feel we are both not really into trying to make things work, but i'm sure she will be devastated if she ever found out about my affair. Any advice on breaking the news in a cordial manner to keep things from getting out of hand? Im not looking for what to say, but how to say it. Should we go somewhere outside the house like to a park or something? Stillhere... Sorry for hijacking your thread... i will start another.
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I will not regret the divorce as 75% of the decision will be because I need it, we need it. The other 25% is because of my new found love, which is probably unfair but i've never told her that. I will never regret any decision I make, I may feel horrible if things dont work out the way I hope, but will not regret it. I live by the following words: "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so quickly, but that we wait so long to begin it." The W and I have been really unhappy for the last few years and have never talked about our problems or the D word or even wanted to try, we just separated and let what happens happens. I feel we are both not really into trying to make things work, but i'm sure she will be devastated if she ever found out about my affair. Any advice on breaking the news in a cordial manner to keep things from getting out of hand? Im not looking for what to say, but how to say it. Should we go somewhere outside the house like to a park or something? Stillhere... Sorry for hijacking your thread... i will start another. I'll look for your new thread... sorry Still... I think I was the one who started the TJ.
Guest Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 “I’m not worth leaving for”…? Did I read that right? I can’t tell you how badly that breaks my heart that you actually believe that to be true. It is a lie. You have bought into somebody else’s lie about you and have taken it as your reality. It may not be your MM’s lie, it may (and probably does) go back further than that. You weren’t born believing that about yourself. That is somebody else’s lie, based on how THEY felt about themselves. It’s not your stuff. I’ve been where you are, and it sucks, it really does, I’m not going to pretend that what I want you to do is easy…but I would beg you to do it. For yourself. And that is to let go of this man. I know you don’t want to hear that. You think…”how will I survive the pain?” “the pain will kill me”…I remember being amazed that my body was still functionally physically while I was in such excruciating pain. My lungs still took in air, my heart still beat, blood still coursed through my veins. I didn’t die. I promise you, you won’t either. You’ll wonder if you’ll ever laugh again, love again, feel anything but pain again. You will. You have my word. It will be the hardest thing you’ll go through and it will be the benchmark that you’ll compare every other pain for the rest of your life to. “If I can survive so-and-so, I can survive this” or “It’s not as bad as letting go of so-and-so”. You’ll find out what you’re made of. I already know the answer to that…quite a lot. You’re made up of every beautiful, loving, magical thing that you see in your MM and in the world, in a sunrise, in music. Damn whoever led you believe differently. But today is the day you learn the truth about you and no longer participate in somebody else’s lie. There will be another side to your pain. You will go through “white knuckle moments” where you think you can’t take it one more second…you will. Those moments are followed by moments of “grace”, then another wave of pain, then grace…until you’ve processed it. At first the waves of pain come fast and furious and you think they will knock you down, and they might, but you’ll get up again. Over time the waves of pain become further and farther between and aren’t as strong. One day you’ll realize you hadn’t thought about him all day. Then a month will go by. There will come a day when you’ll have to wrack your brain to remember something you thought was burned on your heart forever. Sweetie, the only thing that gets you there is No Contact. Please pick up Rhonda Findlings “Don’t Call That Man” or check out her website. No Contact is not something we do for them, we do it for ourselves. Each time you see him or talk to him pours salt in the wound. Be warned however, men are like puppies…if you chase them, they run, if you run, they chase. You’ll want to give in and believe it, you’ll want to believe that things have changed, you’ll get sucked back in. Tell him not to contact you and mean it. Let him take care of what he needs to, and then come for you – if you’re still available then. You’re thinking…but what if he leaves her and I’m not there, he’ll pick someone else. He might, and if he does, let him. But if he loves you, really loves you the way you deserve to be loved, he will move heaven and earth to get back into your good graces and win you back. If he doesn’t do that…good-bye and good luck to him. You deserve a man who knows how lucky he is that you love him, who won’t be able to imagine that anyone in their right mind wouldn’t jump at the chance to be in your life and know you. Get to that place where YOU know that someone would have to be crazy not to do whatever it takes to be in your life – and is someone is that crazy, you don’t want THEM. You deserve to know this about yourself. Put your focus on yourself right now and cultivate a love affair with you. Laura Birmingham, AL
Author stillhere Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 Not a problem guys........Remember, the world doesn't revolve around me! LOL
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Not a problem guys........Remember, the world doesn't revolve around me! LOL Muuuuuaaahh!! Glad to see you!
Author stillhere Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 Gotta say, I couldn't stay away for long!!! *wink* Today was a good day, so i thought i'd make an appearance!
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