mullins Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 How do I feel? In the space of two weeks I have lost two women, it really hits home the old saying ‘you don’t know what you had until you lose it’ Well I have barely eaten or slept in 6 days, I can feel physical pain in my body, I have a constant headache and keep crying. The only thing I have in looking forward to a new day is my anti depressant pill. Why do I feel like this? I abused the love and trust of two women, BOTH said how important trust and honesty were in a relationship, yet I forgot to take a step back and actually see what I was doing. I ‘left’ one so I could be with another, but in my infinite wisdom I thought I would see how the new date went before I gave up the first. Why? I cant answer that, maybe it was so that I didn’t have to do without female company, but my previous dates that didn’t work out, I said so and we never contacted again, so I know I can do it. It didn’t take me long to realise we were not compatible or both were carrying too much baggage, but she made it clear that her previous relationship had hit her and her boys hard and that she will never let it happen again…she did because we fell in love and I STILL abused her faith in me, and it must have all been for my own selfish reasons. Well this is no way to treat another, this is the first time I have written myself a reminder, and this is the last time I want to see that side of myself! So why am I so sad? Is it because I lost two things I can’t have? Maybe its because my ego has taken a battering, maybe I am yet to find the answer. Why am I writing this? To remind myself of the pain I have caused two innocent kind caring loving women and myself. What do I hope to gain from all this? That I can learn and grow from my mistakes that I acknowledge and take on the same two values. TRUST and RESPECT! I owe this to myself, to those I meet and to my daughters, it is time to stop pitying myself, blaming my past and hurting kind loving people, even if I am not suited to them, TELL them, don’t USE them! I don’t know why, but I feel this is my last chance to come to terms with myself, to be the person I know I am or can be, to be happy alone or happy in love. Tomorrow through all this sadness is a new start to a new me, and maybe one day I will find happiness and love in myself and others.
Lishy Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Well I have to say that I am glad you learned from what you did .... Aot of people make this mistake time and time again and continue to hurt others with no regard for feelings! Its sad you feel so bad but good that you have learned from it! I wish you luck and love in the near future!
Pantero Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I'm putting this bluntly. I have no idea who you are, so it's nothing personal. Admitting you are/were an as-hole is the first step towards fixing yourself. Do it. Kill the monster and become the man. Godspeed.
destination_unknown Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I gather from your post that you are beginning anti-depressants tomorrow? Just be aware that they take at least four weeks if not a few months to take effect. If your depression stems from guilt you feel about how you handled yourself in these relationships, maybe try some councelling along with the medication? You gotta fix the root of the problem as well. Also, its never your last chance to find peace/happiness. We are all works in progress, of course you will have set backs so don't be too hard on yourself if you make small mistakes.
Author mullins Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 Im taking something called St Johns Wort, its a herbal thing that i take from time to time as i dont really suffer. Its been a week now and feels as though its kicking in. I have been trying to think of triggers that i can practice that will remind me to think about how other people are feeling instead of wallowing in my own needs. Not thought of anything yet
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