How Do You Get Someone Back???

[chichi]

Well I Was On Here About A Couple Months Ago And Gave Thins Story About How Me And This Guy Were So Perfect And Then All Of A Sudden He Split Leaving Me No Explanation But He Was Thinking About His Ex....well Here We Go

 

We Broke Up March 3 And I Have Talked To Him Maybe Once Since Then...i Called Him To Tell Him About A Situation That I Felt He Should Know About. Well I Havent Talked To Him Since And This Was In April. The Problem Is That I Still Think About Him Constantly And I Cant Move Forward Because I Still Want To Be With Him. Question Is....how Do I Let Go Or What Do I Do To Get Him Back With Me.we Had A Good Relationship And I Know He Loves Me But I Think He Just Wanted His Space. How Do I Get Him Without Looking Too Desperate And Needy? I Heard He Had A Gf But They Are No Longer Together....i Miss Him Terribly And I Feel If I Dont Try One Last Time Than I Will Regret It!

 

Please Give Me Advice On How Somone Has Gotten Back With Someone Or Anything To Help Me!:

[RealBroken]

No contact is the only way! Read through this foruma and other sites and you will see this.

 

trust this advice, I wish I had known it.

 

I have cut and paste this advice for you from another forum.....

 

Very powerful Tips on getting your ex back

O.K. Well I have probably seen all of the web sites and e-books on the Internet about getting back your ex for the past 11 months now...

 

Let me tell you, I know what works and what doesn't work. I cannot give personal advice to individuals, because all of our stories are different. I am personally going through a breakup myself, and 11 months later, it is my turn to share some advice. I have learned a few powerful methods that WORK!! (You may print this posting for future references).

 

I am sending you web sites with excellent e-books that you can download and will be easy for you to reverse your breakup and win back your ex. Please do not ask me to distribute copies to you. These are probably the most powerful plans I have seen so far.

 

Am I back with my ex?? No...but the tides are slowly changing and we are on speaking terms again because I used these plans. You need to use a new kind of psychology and weird techniques that you've never heard of...

Believe me, these professionals know what they are talking about...I don't garantee that they will work for all of you, but at least, it gives you something to work with...

 

[COLOR=#0000ff]http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=16105[/COLOR] (FREE)

 

[COLOR=#0000ff]http://www.exback.com/[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=#800080]http://aboutyourbreakup.com/side.html[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=#800080]http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/[/COLOR]

 

(best one in my opinion, but the most expensive...works even if you are NOT married...it works for ANY kind of relationship.

 

[COLOR=#800080]http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relat...s/600207.shtml[/COLOR] (FREE advice)

 

[COLOR=#800080]http://www.advicediva.com/ad/ebooks/gethimback.asp[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=#800080]http://couplescompany.com/Advice/TOM/Want.htm[/COLOR]

 

Good luck

[Lishy]

Seriously ...... You can only get someone back who wants to come back!

 

If this guy was thinking about his ex so much that he had to finish with you then how could he bring himself to go out with a new girl? Think about it!

 

Move on sweetie - You cannot get someone back who does not wanna come!

[Diver012]

I gotta agree... This whole get your Ex back just sounds like a con job. The principals make sense and should be followed, not to win your Ex back, but to simply move on with your life. Deal with the loss in private, Do not contact, if thats not possible, act repsectful and kind. You may have things you feel need to be said, but they arent necessarily wanting to even hear them as it may cause them more guilt, and push them farther away.

 

I personnaly hate dwelling on past relationships. Life is just to damn short.

[Carlthecoffeeaddict]

i agree, and why do our ex'es deserve any friggin respect?

[Guest]

cause sometimes just the time wasnt right...cause we both were immature and didnt know how to handle things... i dont know but i just think that everything is possible... my ex-bofriend kind of fell out of love... or maybe he just got scared of relatioship getting serious...maybe in a future two, more mature, grown-up people will find their way back to eachother....this is what i hope for...but i'm moving on now...i know very well that even though i want him back it will not work out right now cause we need to meet in the future in different circumstances

[RealBroken]

Thats what happened to my parent. Broke up when they were really young.......... found each other again later in life and married.

 

I guess theres some hope out there (:

[ronnieromance]

I liken these things to Pet Semetary, in that, yes, sometimes we can manipulate people into coming back. Though, it rarely works out the way we want.

 

Let the other people go. On a side note, I made a WebDate account for my mother about 2 months ago. I want her to find some friends to spend time with. I was talking to my fatehr the other day and he tells me that they are thinking about getting back together. Random...and 25 years later. But, yeah it can happen, I guess. You can't force it. and don't expect it, though.

 

 

-R-

[daphne]

I have to disagree with the concensus. I read a few of the books a few years ago while going through a rough breakup. Although it didn't help me at the time (I was unable to implement any of the stuff due to depression) I realize the simplicity in one of them (Stop your divorce). My ex keeps coming back around and I have been doing a lot of things from that book.

 

It may seem formulaic and manipulative, but NC can be considered as such as.

[RealBroken]

daphne,..... do you think you could post some strategies or tips for us desperate people ?

[daphne]

The book is better than me at giving tips but I'll try. I think anyone can benefit from teh book. Although I was too weak to use it last time, it has shaped my behavior for this break up. I no longer make the mistake of thinking an ex was "the one". Until we're together 20 years, they're just an ex.

 

During the break up, I stopped arguing for what I wanted. When I let go and let him win, he started to question his decision. This is mental jujitsu. I wished him well and agreed to be friends later on even though I had no intention of doing that.

 

I followed this with total NC. I didn't want to see him or hear from him and wanted to move on with my life. I knew in a way I wanted him back but not unless it was fully on my terms.

 

A couple of weeks later he texts me. I don't respond. Several weeks after that, he finds out where I'm hanging out and stops by. I ignore him. He comes and talks to me and I act like nothing happened. I was happy and I didn't have to fake it, but do fake it if necessary.

 

He comes back the next week. He sees the new guy for the first time. He's jealous but playing it off very well. I can see that he's more attracted to me than he was when we were together (I'm no slouch). All because of one cute boy that doesn't even know my ex exists. We flirt a lot but at the end of the night I go home with cute boy. Ex looks very sad.

 

In short:

 

Agree to the break up. Be happy and content. No moping and emotional talk.

 

Move on and immediately date others. There are certain break ups where this is hard. But you have to stop thinking you need someone and thinking they are "the one". This will paralyze you and I promise you won't get what you want that way.

 

No contact. You can return calls but no initiation. ANd don't return all calls. Keep it short and don't talk about the relationship.

 

When you act like you can live without them and you find a viable option (it has to be someone that is threatening to your ex) to move on, this often is the catalyst for someone coming back. I've seen it happen a million times. And a lot of the couples are married. It seems to work best on men as they appear to be territorial.

[RealBroken]

Daphne -Yeah what you said is my plan.

 

I have 3 questions though;

 

1. I wasnt gonna ignore her though if i saw her. wld have just waved and smiled....... waited for her to approach and then just be real confident and happy with my life without her ??? Is that an option or do you think ignoring is better? I have been dating but is hard to see anything wonderful in anyone yet.

 

2. I know about the NC thing. Im worried though as her 21st birthday is coming up in 2 months (thats a big thing here) and i feel i should send a message briefly saying congratultaions happy birthday. Im worried she'll think im a bastard for ignoring it and write me off.

 

3. How is it....ANYONE OUT THERE..... that mentally a gal will go from "this is the most wonderful relationship ever and you are perfect" to i wanna break up ..... in a matter of a couple of weeks. Does sumthing spark it off. How do they go from hot to cold SO quick? Maybe other guys giving them attention,.... her friends were jealous of me..... could it be possible that that could influence things enough? Just wanting a possible answer. thanks

[daphne]

Real,

 

Reread stop your divorce. I read it again last night and was amazed at how pragmatic the guy is. He says things I've said a lot myself but wasn't always able to implement in real relationships. When we're hurt and want the other person back badly we don't do the things that work. We try to be the "nice" guy or girl and that s*** rarely works. I'm not saying be an ass, but it's counterintuitive.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1) That's entirely up to you. Personally, I don't initiate anything. My ex had to do the hard labour. He still does. He was the reason we broke up so it's his job to maintain any contact. I don't cotton too well to someone not knowing what they want as it's all rejection to me even if I broke up. If you're going NC you should be avoiding any place where she could be so you shouldn't run into this situation. If she comes looking for you like mine did and sucker punch you, be prepared to be friendly if she approaches and very very brief. Don't look for a long conversation or look at her like you're waiting for something.

 

2) NC is NC. No birthdays, no Christmas, no 4th of July. If you had broken up with her and realized you screwed up I'd say do send her something for her birthday. If she dumped you for any reason other than abuse, cheating or neglect, her birthday is no longer important.

 

3) You became the anti-challenge. Most people can't handle it when someone treats them really well. They feel like you must be foolish to waste your time and energy on them since they don't necessarily think highly of themselves. Me, I'm an anomaly. I don't fall for guys who don't totally dig me and treat me like a princess. I fall out of love with those who stop. I've been with enough a**h***s to know the grass is greener.

 

If you want to become a challenge again, read the book. Stop considering her feelings and start being selfish. That's what girls and guys who don't know what they want respond to. They don't respond to thoughtful consideration and you sitting alone and moping over them. They don't respect it. So stop wasting it on someone who won't do the same for you. Get out there and move forward. Stop worrying about what she thinks or feels about you. Seriously. It no longer matters. Become more selfish. Realize YOU are the prize, not her. This is important. Even if she doesn't realize anything you'll have moved on and you'll need the confidence with another girl. Just hold back a little when you do meet a great girl. She has to prove herself too. Don't be easy to get.

[Diver012]

Real,

 

Reread stop your divorce. I read it again last night and was amazed at how pragmatic the guy is. He says things I've said a lot myself but wasn't always able to implement in real relationships. When we're hurt and want the other person back badly we don't do the things that work. We try to be the "nice" guy or girl and that s*** rarely works. I'm not saying be an ass, but it's counterintuitive.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1) That's entirely up to you. Personally, I don't initiate anything. My ex had to do the hard labour. He still does. He was the reason we broke up so it's his job to maintain any contact. I don't cotton too well to someone not knowing what they want as it's all rejection to me even if I broke up. If you're going NC you should be avoiding any place where she could be so you shouldn't run into this situation. If she comes looking for you like mine did and sucker punch you, be prepared to be friendly if she approaches and very very brief. Don't look for a long conversation or look at her like you're waiting for something.

 

2) NC is NC. No birthdays, no Christmas, no 4th of July. If you had broken up with her and realized you screwed up I'd say do send her something for her birthday. If she dumped you for any reason other than abuse, cheating or neglect, her birthday is no longer important.

 

3) You became the anti-challenge. Most people can't handle it when someone treats them really well. They feel like you must be foolish to waste your time and energy on them since they don't necessarily think highly of themselves. Me, I'm an anomaly. I don't fall for guys who don't totally dig me and treat me like a princess. I fall out of love with those who stop. I've been with enough a**h***s to know the grass is greener.

 

If you want to become a challenge again, read the book. Stop considering her feelings and start being selfish. That's what girls and guys who don't know what they want respond to. They don't respond to thoughtful consideration and you sitting alone and moping over them. They don't respect it. So stop wasting it on someone who won't do the same for you. Get out there and move forward. Stop worrying about what she thinks or feels about you. Seriously. It no longer matters. Become more selfish. Realize YOU are the prize, not her. This is important. Even if she doesn't realize anything you'll have moved on and you'll need the confidence with another girl. Just hold back a little when you do meet a great girl. She has to prove herself too. Don't be easy to get.

 

I really like your philosophy. Im afraid that many people will interpret this as a means to play mind games with someone not worth getting back. Someone dumped on you... badly. Why in the world would you ever give them a second chance to dump on you a second time. Wasnt the first time sufficient enough?

 

I think the proplem lies in people believing they can change someone elses behavior or circumstances. You cant. Can you manipulate them? Yes a little. You can play mind games and NC and so forth and so on. The whole time your thinking is, they will call one day, they will want me back. You will sit there for months waiting to take the next calculated step. That entire time you could be focusing your energy on moving on. Going out to new places, meeting new people. DO these things. Force yourself to do it. The next thing you know, you will be involved in something else wonderful, and the memories of someone not worth remembering, will fade away.

[daphne]

True. But I was asked a different question. I think that in most cases the ex isn't worth the effort. They are usually an ex for a reason. There are, however, occasional exceptions to the rule.

 

If anyone involved in dating thinks there are no mind games going on, they should be playing checkers. I used to think that if I just played it straight that the world would be fair and I would get what I needed. I have found that I'm way off. Whereas I don't engage in manipulative behavior that I find unethical that would intentionally hurt another person, I don't sit back and play the nice girl role anymore either.

 

I myself am able to do the things I do because I'm not convinced at this point that the ex is what I need. Only time will tell.

[RealBroken]

OK,

 

i am the prize, i am the prize, i am the prize, i am the prize.......

 

Ha ha..... no, i c what u mean.

 

Still hooked up on the birthday thing though.

 

I'd feel like an a hole if I didnt. Worried she'll think im one for ignoring it.

21 is a special day over here where i live, like its really important.

 

Do i really ignore it.

 

Will she get annoyed for me saying happy birthday, or will she be put down by me ignoring the day altogether.

 

So hard!

[rastafari]

forget about calling her on her birthday. screw that. shes in the past. If you ignore her on her birthday, it will seem like you are over her and you dont care about her. so she may come crawling back. reverse phychology!

you see i did the whole whinny text wussy garbage this and that. from my expierence it doesnt work. do you want to come off like a wussbag? i hope not.

you see i have been there and done that... it doesnt work...., after relizing that i was a wussy i did the whole NC thing for 5 months. then when i would see the ex on the street i would just walk buy and look as happy as can be and continued to ignore her. i did this untile she couldnt take it anymore and grabbed me off my skateboard and started to cry and said she missed me and so on.

gave the second chance thing a shot and relized that i hate the b1tch because she is a selfish piece of a$$ and she changed completely. before relizing this i bought her a ring, i gave her the ring one night and told her it would never work and havent talked to her in 4 months...hahaha.

back to you,you see, people want what they cant have. thats why you want your ex back. thats why i wanted my ex back. if she relizes that you arnt waiting around for her she will soon relize what she has lost. you must make her relize that she has lost you.otherwise she will think she can have you back whenever.... dont call her, be strong. please.

women of that age hate being ignored. or most of them anyways...like if there is a group of women and you ignore the hot one. haha. the hot one will try to get your attention because they want what they cant have....its all mind games unfortunatly...

i went back 100% NC for 4 months so far. now shes the one calling me, and trying to say hello. I win.

[RealBroken]

thanks,........

 

what do others think about this.......???

 

am i burning more bridges by ignoring her really special day?

 

wil she think im a bastard for missing it.......

or a bastard for contacting her on that day???

 

Input really appreciated thanks.

[garnet]

I agree with the above poster. You should not contact her. Keep the power.

[RealBroken]

hmmmm,.

 

just doesnt seem like im following my heart at all.....

 

So deliberately be a bastard?

 

Its just that she loved me for the things i did for her and how well i looked after her..... apparently.

 

Now i should turn round and be a pr*ck?

[Guest]

It's kind of sad to say but it's now a game. If you don't play by the rules you're gonna get burned. Look at it this way.

 

NC means that you are repairing yoursself and she is repairing herself. You are thinking of her at times, and less you are there, the more time she has to realize exactly what it is gone. If she loves you, eventually she is going to start feelign awkward about something. It will take her time, but hopefully she'll realize exactly what that something is. If it's you, then she loves you, If it isn't then she doesn't. Harsh, but true. Waiting around is a risk, then again, so is buying stock in an oil company and waiting for it to hopefully grow. Life is full of risks, this is just another. Some will say that you need to move on for your own good. That decision is really up to you. If you want closure and want to move on, get that closure. If you aren't sure, do as much as you can to destraact yourself from the pain. Having fun, will further help develop this process. The more she feels she is losing you rather than you are losing her, the more she will be influenced to look deeper into herself for the answers. So don't feel guilty for having fun, have it knowing that it is part of the system.

 

You cant make her love you. You can't make her want you. You can't make her miss you. The only way to make her aware as to what it is that she is losing is by removing yourself from her life. As a child we sometimes had to make bad decisions in order to feel what was right. It's the same thing, we are all just continually growing up.

 

Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest to carry out.

[daphne]

Real,

 

I still don't think you should do anything for the birthday.

 

The irony is that my ex forgot my birthday (I saw him last night) and I am pissed. I am going NC again. He's the same selfish person that tried to string me along before and I want nothing more to do with him.

 

However, I'm pissed because he's the one that screwed up. And he continues to do so.

 

Unless you screwed up in teh relationship, there's no reason to say anything on her birthday. It would be a push and not have the intended effect. Let it go.

[GW7147]

Real,

My Ex GF broke up with me. She had been telling me she was so happy, we would spend the rest of our lives together etc... Then she did a 180 on me and said she needed to be on her own (she's finalizing a divorce). I've never been more hurt before in my life. I ended up losing 25 pounds, still having sleepless nights (getting better though) and have been driving myself carzy trying to figure out why things happened the way they did. After coming to LS, I decided to go strict NC. I've not talked to my ex in about 6 weeks now. I feel it's becoming more difficult at times to maintain but I know it's something I have to do. I care about my ex however, I don't know how I would react or what I would do if I ran into her somewhere. I went so far as to stop going to a local bar/restaurant that I went to before I met her and then she started going with me. Her friend works there and it got to the point where her friend would run up to me and start talking about my ex. I felt I didn't need to know what the ex was up to and didn't think she needed to know what I was doing. I started working out again, playing golf etc... I still have tough times with the whole thought of us breaking up (started having anxiety attacks) but I think I'm getting to the point that I'm starting to feel better. I often wonder if she thinks about us/me but I try to focus on myself. Do yourself a favor and listen to everybody that's posted on your thread. They've been there and are offering their insight and opinions. Take care of yourself for now. Leave your ex alone, let her do what she needs to do. You sound like a good guy and I'm sure she knows it. If she truly loves you, there's a chance she'll be back in touch with you. Unfortunately, if not, you'll be happier in the long run if you moved on. Believe me, I know how you feel but it's a game of "Hurry up and wait" and NC. Skip the birthday wishes. I know you dying to send a card etc.. but you need to be strong and prove to yourself that you can do this, even if it's not necessarily what you want to do. I would love to call my ex but, I know I can't for now.....Take it day by day, keep yourself busy and look out for #1 for a little while.

I wish you all the best and I'll keep an eye on your posts.

Regards,

GW

[rastafari]

"do what you want to do." thats what my best friend told me when i was in your sitution. he said he didnt recomend my decisions. he is way older then me and married. i think in his mind he knew that i would learn, and I did. it didnt work out. if you really want to give her that birthday message, do it.the only way people learn is from their mastakes, which you will be making. go 100% NC.

 

have you heard of the saying "nice guys finish last"

 

im not saying be a complete d1ck, just make her relize what is missing from her life. she wants you to call her on her birthday. DO NOT. that will be a big wakup call for her. she will relize whos missing from her life.

 

and to everyone else that is worried about how to act, what to do, this and that when you come in contact with the ex during NC. STOP! i did that to, i asked people "what do i do when i see her?"...damn my freinds must have thought i was a huge dweeb.

Dont do anything. just smile if need be.

 

good luck

[RealBroken]

I see your point.

However, her birthday will be after 3 months of no contact at all.

 

Because of this long time, i suspect it may not actually worry her TOO much if she doesn't hear from me. i mean yeah ok sure if it was a couple of weeks after the break up she would be, but its not.

 

What I'm wondering is.........

 

If i send her a text or quick something this long after our breakup, will it freashen me in her mind ie "oh thats right...REALBROKEN...... that was nice he remembered...... there's obviously no hard feelings there, im glad"

 

Or will she be..... "Oh f*ck, couldn't he have left me alone, hw dare he contact me on my brithday"

 

Ladies? What do you think. If an ex from 3-4 months ago gave you a quick happy birthday message would you be annoyed, or would it add just a little bit more brightness to your special day that he still remembered even though u haven't heard from in 3-4 months.

 

As i said before, i understand if you have just broken up...... but what if its further down the track and you just wanna touch base and show that there are no hard feelings and you are approachable. ie if you see me in town one day u dont have to hide".