jessssss Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 hi all. i recently have posted several posts concerning my bf and i. we have been working on our communication skills and are diong a decent job at it. i'm having trouble sometimes with my bf and he thinks i'm attacking him. he is out of a job until the 15 of june...is addicted to an online game...his mom is giving him money to pay the bills...so he's at home all the time, doesn't go out (thank goodness) but i had been feeling neglected and maybe the game was chosen over me. we've worked on that. i get 2 hours devoted to me every day after work and that's what i needed...problem is since we've started this and had this long weekend, it's like we're getting on each other's nerves. he doesn't like to clean the house but does all the work outside...watering, cutting grass, taking care of our small garden...so i've been doing inside stuff but it comes to a point where i feel unappreciated as he probably does too. we had a little fight about how i'm pushing him away lately and i prob don't wat t obe with him and he told me that maybe i should find someone else because he dosn't think he makes me happy...i was almost to the point that i ALMOST said well maybe i will. i feel so bad about taht...it's just we've been fighting over stuipd things so much lately...i don't kow what to do...we've been together almost 2 years...i love him to death. i want to marry this man...we have talked about it numerous times (until here lately when we've been bickering) and we want to get married in february...well he hasn't gotten me a ring or anything and it's now june... now i don't see that happening. i know we love each other but i'm getting sick of the bickering...i keep thinking well i'm sure it will change once he gets a job but i think a lot has to do with the animosity that i have towards him. he stays up late at night, gets to sleep in every morning where as i have to go to bed by the latest 11 and get up at 6 every morning...i just wnat to yell..."it's not fair!!" but i'm being a child about it. i know it's not his fault he has another 2 weeks to start his job but c'mon it sucks. my main reason for posting is to vent and get any opinions or if anyone has been where i am right now? i feel like i'm starting to push my bf away, that way i won't have to deal with it but i don't want to lose him. i want him to want me and sometimes i feel like he could care less. he even called me a bitch last night...i don't like name calling....that really is weighing hard on me on top of the comment for me to find someone else. i would never say that to him...what do i do? we've taled and talked and everything will be fine for a few days and then just blah again...i'm tired of talking, i'm getting to the point where i'm tired of trying. i feel like i do everything and he doesn't understand how much i do. sorry for this post, it's random and choppy but i'm struggling today...i almost called in to work cause i just dont' watn t obe here, i don't want to do anything.
Outcast Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 You resent him because he's home yet you know he'll be working in a short while. I think you need to work on your reasoning - he's being a layabout for a short while while he can but still does work around the home. but c'mon it sucks. No, it doesn't really and your resentment is way out of proportion to what's going on. I think you're fed up and frustrated because you don't have a ring. Rather than being crabby and petulant, why not keep your trap shut until he's working and see what happens by the end of July. I'm guessing things will be a lot better.
Hitman10000 Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Some of us are wondering why you are with this man, oh it must be that because perhaps you have invested a lot and don't think you can do better? I mean I could say that but I'd have to further my evidence showing you why this man is not good for you. So let's go by the numbers in Pros and Cons of this person, to help you dump him soon for your sake. And if you have the time, would you tell me how old you and he is? Pros of this boyfriend: You and him communicating, but he doesn't seem to be walking the walk so my conclusion is ~None.~ I see nothing in this post to indicate any of his redeeming qualities. Cons of this boyfriend: Addiction to an Online game Financially unstable, his mother pays his bills. He doesn't pay attention to cleaning the inside of the house. He tells you that "maybe you should find someone else" Someone who truly loves and cares for you would not say something like that. You want marriage, but he doesn't seem to be serious about it and will probably never will be. You seem very stressed out what his true intentions are, romantic relationships are not supposed to be stressful. There you got it, logical clear evidence pointing that this boyfriend is not good for you. Have you said that you and him had compatible thinking patterns, that he has a sense of humor, that he gives you good sex, that he takes you on adventures or tries to work hard to bring the money home then I would've said he's a good boyfriend and for you not to worry. But in this clearcut case, that is not true. He is no good, Dump him. Soon.
Author jessssss Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 thanks for your honesty hitman...my post was more of a venting post so that is why i didn't point out the good points, i'm pissed at him so of course i will post anything and everythign that gets on my nerves, duh. he does lots for me...made me dinner last night, suprised me with a late night treat last night (little thigns mean a lot to me) telsl me how he wants to get married all the time - and i posted that i was worried about it because i am irritated. he doesn't have a job for 2 more weeks...wouldn't you be a little irritated with you SO? my bf keeps me on laughing day after day and holds me like i've never been held before, our sex life is getting better day by day...i look into his eyes and can't stop smiling...he has a huge heart...i just wish he'd share some of it with regards to the cleanliness of the house! make sense? i'm 27 and he's 27...what do you have to say about that? thanks fory our post but i clearly wasn't clear enough for you.
norajane Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Is it really that important that the house be spick and span? Maybe you can relax a little bit more by spending less time doing housework. Seriously, a little dust is less important than your relationship. Two weeks isn't a long time to be in between jobs - he just hasn't started the new one yet and is probably happy to take a work break in between jobs. What would trouble me is that his mom is paying his bills for him at the moment...he's 27 - surely he has some savings to fall back on in case of emergencies, like not having a job for a few weeks? Now if he's just a lazy-ass, then he probably has been one all along, so you really shouldn't be all that surprised that he's spending all his time playing a game instead of focusing more attention on you. You can consider this a rough patch to work through, or you can take a good, hard look at this man you're considering marrying and make sure you are looking at him as a life partner, someone who can be there for you when you need it rather than someone you will always have to take care of (like his mother does). It's fine to take care of him while you are strong, but what happens when you need support and he is still weak? I left a man who would not get his act together job-wise and life-wise after 4 years. We strung along for another year or so, but I had lost respect for him and could not fall back in love.
Author jessssss Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 good point norajane...he hasn't always been the way he is now, sure guys never clean up and stuff as much as most girls would like and i'll have to understand that--along with the fact that i'm a clean freak. so i shouldn't penalize him for not being just like me...anyway, when he does clean i go behind him and do it again-yeah, that's bad. he was wonderful last night, like i had the old him back, he made fish for dinner, had straightened the house, got an ice cream treat, cuddled with me for an hour watching tv...that's what i needed and i told him taht. he understood. he didn't have any savings at 27...well not enough to cover a mortage and bills...he had about 2 weeks worth of money but he will be out of work for 4 weeks total. he's trying. he screwed up his credti in college so now he's working on getting it back up there - he lets me help him too since my credit it good. he's trying. he wants to do tgood but he can't find anything he can excel at if that makes sense. his las job was okay, he did well but they cut his salary and he was straight commission...i don't see how anyone can live off a job like that-the uncertainty-the risks-i'm glad he got out. i'm going to watch and see how things go until he gets his job and works there for a while. see if things change. his last job he worked out of teh house, set his own hours, so he had too much free time if you ask me. the new job is working out of their office, you actually have hours you must work, people to work beside you daily...unlike his last job which was the total opposite. maybe that has been the cause of our conflict...his lack of drive for anything cause the one thing right now is your career and he had no drive for that... if i lost my job, i have savings for thigns like that or other emergencies...i don't want to rely on anyone at the moment...but if we were married, i would agree with that.
Hitman10000 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Jesssss, Tell him directly what you want done within the next 6 months of what you told us that you'd like for him to change. What happens next will determine your ultimate choice whether to continue being with this guy or letting him go.
Author jessssss Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 that's what I have done hitman...i'm actually seeing results...it's weird. i went home for lunch and he had mowed the whole yard and trimmed it...watered our garden and all our flowers....got his oil changed...he has been sweet and not rude the past 2 days...ti's nice...i'm not going to fall into the trap but maybe this means things are going to start looking up for us. only one thing i'm dreading at the moment...he goes across the country to california for his new job in a month...for what we thought was a week...well it's for 2 weeks. i broke down and started crying when i found out. i guess because we've not been doing so hot the past 2 weeks and i don't want him to find anyone else...he told me he didnt want anyone else EVER and that i'm the one for him and he loves me dearly...made me feel better but who wants their bf to go away to a cool place they've never been for 2 weeks and be so far away you couln't drive to see them!?!? not fun. i guess there's always something...atleast we're doing better-it's going to take time to be set in a certain way for 2 weeks to just pop out of it and become what each other needs...it's going to take compromise...i know we can make it.
Walk Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 Sorry I'm late to the thread. Looks like you've come to a decent comprimise for the time being. Try not to get too insecure about the two weeks in CA. The problems the two of you have been having shouldn't be enough to cause either of you to suddenly not want to be in the relationship simply because there's some time apart. Not that it's been easy on either of you, but at the same time... if he felt it was so bad that he would want to chase other women, then he could've been doing that the entire time he's been off. But he hasn't. (He's been planted firmly in front of Final Fantasy. j/k.) He's been trying to cook you dinners, and pick up occasionally, and work on the house and yard. Bringing you hashbrowns at work. Trying to spend more one-on-one time with you and making you happy and content in the relationship. Maybe having a hard time being consistant in these things, but still, there's effort there that he didn't need to expend if he didn't want to be there with you. From everything you've posted, to me it sounds as if his words and actions are both saying that he's very much in love with you and willing to put the effort in to make this work. He might not be spot on in all aspects, but he's definitely trying to please you. And I think the time apart will help the two of see how much you mean to each other. Try to see the entire picture and don't get fixated on one or two aspects of the relationship while he's gone. It'll help keep your mind from running off on 'what if's' while he's gone. How's he feel about this trip, and being gone so long? Is he nervous? And how does he feel about leaving you alone for two weeks after the few weeks the two of you have gone through?
Author jessssss Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 i knew walk would come through!! thanks walk, well things are still getting better...i can see him trying and that makes me sooo happy...it isn't exactly everything i want but hey, i'm a woman and i want a lot, lol...but i do know that he loves me, i feel it so much right now. he's been amazing the past few days. sure, he's still playing that blessed game but i am getting my time and he's acting like he wants to spend time with me as opposed to me going in there and dragging him off. i've stepped back and let him come to me, and he's came to me more often than when i was dragging him off...so the compromise there of me giving him his space and he comes around. and i'll admit i've enjoyed my "alone time" a lot more while he's playing the game cause i know he'l be off soon to want to hang out with me. as far as him being nervous or how he's feeling about leaving me for 2 weeks...he's made a few comments about how he doesn't want me to stray or go out with one of our friends (a guy who is a close friend but my bf thinks this guy likes me, yeah...weird) but he doesn't want me around him - not controlling like but just his way of saying he's gonna be feeling like me- to an extent. he also has asked that i come for the weekend...not sure if that'll happen considering money and short notice but we'll see. it'd be nice. i'll try to keep my mind on positive thigns and not get fixated on negativities...i just hope we can have a good 2 week relationship via phone...that's never really happened. maybe a weekend away but not 2 weeks only relying on phone and possibly email. kinda worries me but i think we'll be fine. it's hard to read somone when talking but even more harder on email. it's only 2 weeks and like you said, walk, it will prob bring us even more close and he'll miss me and i'll miss him and in a dorky phrase - rekindle some things that we've lost the past 2-3 weeks...but i'm sure he'll also miss that game...the one time i wish he'd play it and he prob cant' take it...grrrr unless his job gives him a lap top.
Walk Posted June 1, 2006 Posted June 1, 2006 It's pretty hard when you're used to having someone around all the time for there to be a few weeks apart. I've kind of gotten used to not seeing my bf for a few days to a week at a time. Used to be he was gone anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks with no set date on when he could make it home again. That really drove me nuts. I almost left him because I couldn't handle it. Anyway, I think if you can even sort of afford seeing him over the weekend I'd really try to make it happen. But play it by ear. He might find he's not able to because of his job for some reason. But I'd really suggest finding the money if you can even remotely scrounge the cash up. Even if all you do is stay in the hotel room. I've gone to see my bf when he was going to be gone for a few weeks, and I've never regretted it. Even the time where I drove all night and went straight to work the next morning without sleep. Those are some of the best memories. I'm definitely glad I went, and I had every reason not to go. Both money and time constraints. Don't forget to "reward" him when he's good. I know it sounds manipulative, but honestly people respond to it. Just let him know you appreciate the effort he's putting in once in a while, in ways he'll enjoy, not specifically ways you would want. Sometimes we think it but never say it, and the other person thinks we haven't noticed. Glad things are going better for you! I really hope the two of you can continue to keep the relationship going smoothly. Just don't get too upset as it gets closer to him leaving. He's probably going to get really stressed out the closer it gets. Give him a little lee way in that. Wonder if he'd like a psp or something to take with him. ha ha .. It'd be the ultimate way to ensure he never looked at another women. He'd be too busy playing his game.
Author jessssss Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 true, true on the psp...hmmm...i might have to look into that. i just wish there was some way that he could take that game with him - as much as i hate it and have bitched about it, the one time i want him to play all day and all night - he can't. grrrr i'm going to try to go for the weekend. that would be so nice and just scrounge up some money to do it. i dn't care if i sit in the hotel or by the pool...anything! we'll see. he mentioned to me he just talked to his new boss and it may not be california...if it's vegas, i'm gonna be PISSED!! lol he said he won't know exact destination until the 15th - at first i was a little taken back, like he was saying that so i wouldn't buy a plane ticket but then the more he talked abut wanting me to go i didn't get that feeling. if it doesn't work out, it is only 2 weeks, i'm sure it will help us....and i won't be spending over 500 bucks...we can use it for something else. who knows...time will tell. i'm just so happy that at the moment we are doing so good. he's been so wonderful...looking forward to a nice weekend together...goign to the parents and then staying with a friend...no game, good drinks and relaxation!
Walk Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 My bf just called and told me he's quitting his job as soon as he gets back in the state. So I'll probably be on here complaining about the same things in a bit. Make sure you smack me down if I get too whiny, ok? Actually, I'm thrilled he quit. When you're bf comes home and tells you he nearly died, it really makes you think the money just isn't worth the risk. But at the same time I'm a bit anxious about it. The only time he hasn't had a job while I've been with him was a two week period last year. We nearly broke up. Lot of the same feelings you were/are going through. And him being depressed and upset and stressed about money. Hope we can avoid that this time. I think I have a better idea of how to handle it this time around. Those PSP's are super expensive. I think last I saw they were $250. Gameboy DS was less expensive, but I'm not sure if he'd like the game play on that. I'm sure there's enough video game fanatics on here who would jump at the chance to discuss different systems and games with you though. I would really not like if my bf was sent to Vegas for two weeks. That sounds more like play, then work. Might be cheaper to fly to though.
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