Kiss on the forehead, arm around waist...Did he cross a line?

[GreySands]

Ok, I think my original post may have been too long, so there weren't any replies.

 

A shortened version:

 

Boyfriend and I are at bar. He drinks more and more as the evening progresses and we mingle with other people at the party. He at one point has a girl hanging off his shoulder with his arm around her waist for 15-20 minutes engaged in conversation. I notice he kisses her on the forehead and overhear him calling her 'darlin'.

 

I talk to him and he is very sorry for hurting me. However, he feels it's an aspect of his personality and I end up feeling that he isn't really willing to 'reign in' his flirting for me. He says there were no intentions on his part and he has never given me reason to doubt his loyalty and says everyone flirts. He was equally talkative and hugged some guys at the party.

 

However, he has openly 'chatted up' another girl before (not drunk) in earshot of me (I was talking to a few other people). In both situations, I felt neglected.

 

I am hurt by his actions. Should I try to see it his way? Is this a red flag? Any advice would be much appreciated.

[scrybe74]

This may or may not simplye be his personality to be flirtatious - but the real question is.....do you trust him? If you do then let it go but remind him that it really does hurt your feelings. You also should think about how long you've been with this guy and if you plan to continue on for the long run. If so...imagine this behavior 5-10 years down the road. If you don't then I think you should seriously reconsider your relationship. Some women don't mind their men flirting but it depends on the woman and it depends on HOW much flirting is going on.

[norajane]

It sounds like he may have a flirtatious and extroverted personality. Flirtatious people flirt with everybody one way or another - women, men, grandmothers, whoever's behind the counter at Blockbuster...they make people feel special and they get that in return from their flirtees.

 

Now there's flirting, and flirting with intent. The two are very different. The first is harmless, the second is harmful. Help your guy understand where you draw the line between the two. Be very, very specific: you can indulge him in a little verbal ego stroking, but if touching is involved, you get very uncomfortable and would rather he remove himself from that situation. You don't mind if you're at a party together and he's showing off under the admiring gaze of some pretty girl, but you'd be very upset if he were off in the corner alone with her for an hour.

 

Draw your lines, ask for and listen to his viewpoint, and accept that he might re-draw a line or two. Ideally, you'll both wind up understanding each better and will have some workable guidelines so there aren't future misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

[IrishCarBomb]

Cheating is not as gray as everyone would make it out to be, there is a clear-cut simple rule to cheating: If you would be upset with your significant other doing it, it is not ok for you to be doing it. It's as simple as that. Anything else is a rediculous and selfish double standard which reeks of immaturity and insecurity.

 

Do you flirt with other people at the bar for kicks? Better be sure to be ok with it if your significant other does the same. Is a kiss on the cheek ok? The forehead? The lips? It's as simple as talking to your partner. Lay out what behavior is acceptable and just enjoy the relationship.

 

If the bad behavior continues once you've established the rules, then he/she is an inconsiderate and selfish a**h***, and you should happily ditch their ass.

[GreySands]

Thanks all for the advice. I will bring up the subject again and we'll try again to negotiate a comfortable place in the future.

 

Irish: I think we both adhere to our own standards. There isn't any double standard. Only problem is that the standard I hold myself to and the one he holds himself to are currently different.

[catgirl1927]

Cheating is not as gray as everyone would make it out to be, there is a clear-cut simple rule to cheating: If you would be upset with your significant other doing it, it is not ok for you to be doing it. It's as simple as that. Anything else is a rediculous and selfish double standard which reeks of immaturity and insecurity.

 

 

Wow. Great post, thanks for posting it!

[Guest]

Only problem is that the standard I hold myself to and the one he holds himself to are currently different.

 

And that's exactly why you must communicate and establish what is appropriate... much like:

 

It's as simple as talking to your partner. Lay out what behavior is acceptable and just enjoy the relationship.