Hungryhorse Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Was wondering if anyone could give me their opinion. My boyfriend who I have been dating for 11 months has asked me to marry him. Although I am very fond of him, he has been kind and we have some brilliant chats I am not sure things are really right in the chemistry department. We met off a website. I don’t feel drawn towards him but really enjoy his companionship, he makes me laugh. I feel the same thing maybe is for him, as he has never kissed me on the lips or put his arms round me. I tried getting more romantic on a couple of occasions but I could tell it wasn’t natural to him and it seemed to me a bit artificial. He has always kissed me on the side of the head or on the hand which I thought odd. I see other couples in the street in shops etc who are affectionately drawn towards each other and it makes me fee a bit disappointed. I am 38 soon to be 39 and would really like a family, he says he would like this, I also wonder if I will be able to find anyone else at my age. Do you think marrying for companionship could work? Any comments would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
jerbear Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Was wondering if anyone could give me their opinion. My boyfriend who I have been dating for 11 months has asked me to marry him. Although I am very fond of him, he has been kind and we have some brilliant chats I am not sure things are really right in the chemistry department. We met off a website. I don’t feel drawn towards him but really enjoy his companionship, he makes me laugh. I feel the same thing maybe is for him, as he has never kissed me on the lips or put his arms round me. I tried getting more romantic on a couple of occasions but I could tell it wasn’t natural to him and it seemed to me a bit artificial. He has always kissed me on the side of the head or on the hand which I thought odd. I see other couples in the street in shops etc who are affectionately drawn towards each other and it makes me fee a bit disappointed. I am 38 soon to be 39 and would really like a family, he says he would like this, I also wonder if I will be able to find anyone else at my age. Do you think marrying for companionship could work? Any comments would be greatly appreciated, thanks. Sounds like a friendship on steroids. Marrying for companionship works as one gets old and grey. I do not think you two have earned your grey stripes yet. The kissing on the lips is something I would say maybe a red flag. If you are disappointed then this issue will come back later. It should be resolved before you two say yes to marriage. Someone your age would mean he maybe older than you?
Alexandra Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Short answer, yes it could work. I've personally met and worked with couples in that situation but the whole concept, I find, is centered around less burning love and not fierce passion not around no love or no passion at all. Besides, for marriage or any other LTR to work there has to be a basic relationship between the two people. Your post and how you relate his intimacy issues that bother you doesn't suggest you two have very good of a friendship either. So in the absence of love, passion and a strong friendship what would you two build on? A joint desire to get married? Furthermore and something you may like to consider in depth, how long could you stand this for without becoming dissatisfied? If you can work out you could for the rest of your days congratulations, plenty of very cerebral people out there who can lead fulfilling if unemotional lives. If you have the slightest doubt about missing any of what you'll be lacking why think of bringing children into a potentially doomed marriage?
Outcast Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 He wants to marry you but hasn't even kissed you? In 11 months??? It sounds like he has issues with intimacy and senses that you're emotionally unavailable and therefore would suit him. I think he likes the idea of marriage but isn't marriage material. If you're both lonely and want to be chums, you could move in as roommates but I think you'd find yourself pretty miserable in a marriage that won't even have much affection in it.
doesHeLikeMe Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Maybe you could ask about his odd behaviours, and let him know what you desire, that might help I don't know. In my personal opinion, I probably don't want to end up with a person if the intimacy is just 'luke warm'. I've had that kind of relationship before, and I had to back out of it. Simply because I feel that if I can't connect with the other person, the relationship will become very bland in the long run. Though I don't see anything wrong with marrying for companionship, but you probably have to put a lot more effort into making it work. If you are worried about your age and not able to find someone else, then that's even worse because you are going into it for the wrong reason.
basscatcher Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Is he super old fashioned? I've heard of people not allowing themselves lustful feelings until they are married. Could this be the case? He doesn't want to kiss on the lips for fear of those feelings becoming out of control and he doesn't want to disrespect you or himself before marriage? There ARE people with such strong convictions. They are rare. I think you should talk about this with him and ask him why there is minimal affection and closeness. If he says he is just like this then I would at it as a major red flag and know that affection and romance will be absent in the marriage. A warning: In the future you may be tempted to stray and cheat on him. If he says he is waiting to make an honest woman our of you and wants to respect himself and you then you may have a really great guy. Sometimes the biggest, greatest and most amazing gifts are ones you really don't know are there. They are big things in simple, small packages. I think you need to talk to him about all these questions and concerns you have. He may be a blessing and he maybe better as JUST a close friend. As for marrying for companionship--my mother did this with her last marriage. You need to know she lives in a very, very rural area where single, decent men are very scarce. She was also in her late 50s and single for 4 years after her second husband passed away (he was the absolute love of her life...) she is now 60. The man she married was more of a friend and helper then a lover. (he passed away this Feb...) She said there was love but no romance or much affection. She said she got all that from her previous husband and she didn't have a need for it. She wanted a companion. Someone to have morning coffee with, someone to talk to, plan with, someone she could take care of, etc etc. She wasn't looking for the romance in the relationship. I am 37 and at my age I want romance, love, affection, attention. I have too much life in me, to much sexual energy and drive, I crave adventure and experience in/with a man. I know at my age I could never marry for just companionship. I won't settle and sell myself short. The man you are thinking about marrying should be still in his prime at 39. He should still be wanting physical closeness and all that comes with it. You really need to talk to him about all these things before you even consider marrying him or you will be lonely and have curiosity and regrets if you don't.
tinktronik Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Short answer, yes it could work. I've personally met and worked with couples in that situation but the whole concept, I find, is centered around less burning love and not fierce passion not around no love or no passion at all. Besides, for marriage or any other LTR to work there has to be a basic relationship between the two people. Your post and how you relate his intimacy issues that bother you doesn't suggest you two have very good of a friendship either. So in the absence of love, passion and a strong friendship what would you two build on? A joint desire to get married? Furthermore and something you may like to consider in depth, how long could you stand this for without becoming dissatisfied? If you can work out you could for the rest of your days congratulations, plenty of very cerebral people out there who can lead fulfilling if unemotional lives. If you have the slightest doubt about missing any of what you'll be lacking why think of bringing children into a potentially doomed marriage?I agree A , yes would be the anwser . My relationship started as a friendship or companionship ,then we decided to move it along. We already had in place loyalty , friendship, we knew each other really well .All of these things are love , throw in a little passion and you have a great relationship .So for the long in short , yes ,It can work.
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