Tony427 Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I am 24 years old and have always wanted to save sex for marriage and wanted to find a partner who wanted the same but... It seems like no one shares my beliefs anymore and that I will never find a girl for me. I know I will get responses that say if you meet someone you really like than it shouldn't matter but as soon as I find out they have already had sex I lose interest. I actually get really hurt just as if I had been cheated on. I know that might seem kind of selfish and I have thought about getting some kind of counseling but I kinda don't want to lose that feeling but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for someone that may never come along. It just seems to me that people lose there virginity earlier and earlier all the time and I am at an age where the only ones are too young now and I am not sure if I will ever find somone I can be truly happy with. I guess what I am asking is.. does anybody know if there are still a decent number of girls who shre my beliefs or am I looking for a needle in a haystack and should I just try to find a way to to get past this hang-up... cause as of right now it is really my only dealbreaker in a relationship but it seems to be one that eliminates almost everyone.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I know I will get responses that say if you meet someone you really like than it shouldn't matter but as soon as I find out they have already had sex I lose interest. I actually get really hurt just as if I had been cheated on. I know that might seem kind of selfish... Yes, it does and I have thought about getting some kind of counseling but I kinda don't want to lose that feeling but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for someone that may never come along. What feeling? The feeling that just because someone excersized the right to join their bodies with someone other than yourself before they even knew you means they have cheated on you? It just seems to me that people lose there virginity earlier and earlier all the time and I am at an age where the only ones are too young now and I am not sure if I will ever find somone I can be truly happy with. That is your issue. And btw, JMO, you won't find someone you can truely be happy with if you are only searching for this particular technicality. I guess what I am asking is.. does anybody know if there are still a decent number of girls who shre my beliefs or am I looking for a needle in a haystack and should I just try to find a way to to get past this hang-up... cause as of right now it is really my only dealbreaker in a relationship but it seems to be one that eliminates almost everyone. That is pretty sad. So that means you could be dating this wondeful, bright, smart, beautiful girl and everything is going well, but since shes had one other partner than you, then shes out the door? This makes no sense IMO. I'm not saying it is a bad thing that you have set higher standards for yourself, but dont' get upset when you find that most others have not. And yes, this is a needle in a haystack situation. I'm not saying virgin girls your age do not exsist, but it seems to be a rareity. If you are truely ready to stay sexually pure until you meet the virgin girl of your dreams, then I would stop complaing and be patient this may take awhile. I think it is just really sad that you can't see that there is so much more to a women than what she has done between her legs.
Author Tony427 Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 I guess what I need to know mostly is should I seek professional help?? At times I fear I am going to be alone forever... and it hurts a LOT to think about that but this one hang up makes it seem all to real a possibility. I don't like judging people in such a way but no matter how hard I try to look past a girls sexual history I can't. I guess the biggest thing for me is that I feel that sex is the greatest way to show your affection for someone and if I have sex with someone that isn't going to be my life partner than I have nothing greater to give the person who is. And for that to be turned around on myself hurts. Any suggestions are welcome I am more confused and depressed than you could imagine right now and I just need some kind of help.
Tim'sAngel Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I don't like judging people in such a way but no matter how hard I try to look past a girls sexual history I can't. I guess the biggest thing for me is that I feel that sex is the greatest way to show your affection for someone and if I have sex with someone that isn't going to be my life partner than I have nothing greater to give the person who is. And for that to be turned around on myself hurts.. What about things like love, affection, respect, loyalty, hugs and kisses, sweet text messages, random phonecalls, romantic dinners, flowers, holding her hand... I could go on. Sex is not the only thing you can give a women to show her your love. Sex is merely a bonding betwee two people. I do have to say I hate that sex is taken so lightly these days (I am guilty of this) but it doesn't mean that just because you are intimate with someone who isn't your life partner means you have taken away from the one who is. If you feel like you need professional help, then why are you sitting on here? We are not experts, we can only offer advice. Go to therapy if you feel the need. I just think you need a different frame of mind. This is JMO
Fun2BMe Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 If you feel like you need professional help, then why are you sitting on here? We are not experts, we can only offer advice. Go to therapy if you feel the need. I just think you need a different frame of mind. This is JMO He's just getting a wider opinion. He can get feedback from dozens of viewpoints here vs. one from the therapist. A therapist is not a miracle worker. Some people are in therapy for years without change. He can come here and go or not go to a therapist also. This is JMO. That said, your title is "saving MYSELF for marriage...should I just give up". Your title implies YOU want to give up your virginity but you write about how it bothers you to be with other girls who are not virgins. Will you also decide not to remain a virgin yourself, should you decide to no longer exclude devirginized women as dating material? There are millions of women your age who are virgins, some because they have not had the opportunity to have sex not because they are saving themselves intentionally. What if she masterbated with a dildo while with her boyfriend? Where do you draw the line? What if the sex was not enjoyable with her ex and it didn't mean anything. Because she had sex she is still not good enough to give and receive love from you? What exactly is your reasoning? If it troubles you that much, then wait to be with a virgin. You might end up being miserable should you forcie yourself to be with a type of girl you have a big problem imagining she actually had a life before meeting you.
lovelorcet Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 This is JMO but I am kind of getting the feeling that part of this problem for you is your own insecurity. If these are your morals and you choose to stick them then it is your choice and you should follow through. You should have enough self-confidence to find the appropriate partner who also shares your set of values. Yes, if this is a deal breaker for you there is a good chance that a great girl will slip through your fingers if you judge her only based on this one point. But again that is your choice.
Alexandra Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 First of all sort of OT but why have we come to say "JMO" and "JMHO" all the time? Isn't this a place where those are part of the premise by default? I actually get really hurt just as if I had been cheated on. Tony427 I can only tell you what I would if you came to see me for therapy and that only to some degree as I'd need more of a chat with you and some tests done to have a better understanding of the situation. I'd say you do need to work on the irrational jealousy matter, find out why that is, what it springs from, how to deal with it. Because while I think that your outlook on sexuality will possibly change on its own and that you're quite young and will experience many changes of mind on various topics, that one other asspect may well follow you around. I can't say if you need help with dealing with that or can accomplish that rationalization process on your own, I'd need to meet you to know, but I can speculate you probably can do so if you educate yourself on what you're feeling and why.
littlekitty Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 As a quick answer.... yes, you're looking for a needle in a haystack!! Not many women save themselves for marriage these days. To my knowledge anyway! As you are finding the women that are virgins are now getting younger and younger and not what you are looking for. The only thing I could suggest is joining one of these groups that promote no sex before marriage and seeing if you might meet someone that way. Or perhaps through church? Otherwise I see you being lonely, or having to adjust your desires.
spider Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 i'm assuming you'r a guy right??? it's kinda hard to tell with all that desperation your emiting (and the emotional crap) I hate to burst your buble but there is no such thing as "the one". It's more like a scale....some you love more....some you love less....and most of the time you get sick of them and dich them (sometimes even 20-30 years later). If you really wana keep the big V card, i aplaude you for your convictions. BUT, i sugest you loose it and get it over with and move on with your life and focus on bigger and better things. Getting azz isn't all it's cracked up to be....and i'm sure you wouldn't wanna get married and find out that your woman just lays there (with her eyes closed and her arms spred out on the side) when your in the sack doing the deed..... there is a diference between a MAN and a boy, see if you can find the difference.
Outcast Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Once you've had sex, you'll realize that it's not as humungous a deal as you think it is and you'll wonder why you made it so sacred. Yes, it's ideal if you have sex with someone you love - and very many people fall in love or think they have only to be left or to realize that their 'love' was really infatuation. So they have had sex, yes, but for you to denigrate them as though they are all skanks is irrational and unfair. So go to a counsellor and get help to get some perspective on sex because right now it looms far too large in your mind.
norajane Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Ah, the old 'viriginity is a gift' and 'i must save myself for my one true love' myths! Look, virginity was 'prized' in history, but only for women. The purpose behind making sure women stayed virgins until marriage was because marriage was all about property rights and inheritance - men wanted to make sure their new wives were virgins so that they could be certain she wasn't carrying another man's child. Virginity was not about love and romance. Today, I'd say it makes sense to wait to have sex until you can actually handle the emotional and physical responsibilities and consequences. You clearly cannot, so there's no reason for you to start having sex before you're ready. At the same time, it would do you a lot of good to get over your idea that a woman who isn't a virgin is damaged goods and unworthy of your 'gift'. Virginity is not a gift - it's a lack of sexual experience. Feel free to wait for a virgin if you must, but understand that your narrow-minded views and irrational jealousies are very unattractive characteristics of your personality.
radiation7740 Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I respect you for your convictions of waiting until marriage to have sex. I don't believe that this necessarily means that you have to date a virgin. What if she's not a virgin but she has repented of her promiscuous lifestyle? Will you still decline her? If I were you I would tell any potential gf about you wanting to wait until marriage as early as possible in the relationship. That way she can decide for herself if she's willing to wait. Why not join a christian dating website? There are some websites like that out there. Do a google search. Your chances of finding a girl who is willing to wait until marriage are much higher. I'm not a virgin. To be real honest most times I had sex I would feel guilty and conflicted afterwards. It wasn't because I feared going to hell either. It's not my belief that a person goes to hell for fornication but it is my belief that fornication is sin. Your post has inspired & encouraged me to abstain from sex as much as I can. If I get to a point where I can completely stop it then so much for the better. I don't know if your reasons stem from religion or the bible?? I pray to God that He makes any kind of sex I have outside of marriage ugly to me. So yes fornication is fun but there are emotional & potential physical consequences to pay. I'm still paying for it in my own soul today. I don't have STDs & I never got a woman pregnant so the consequences are more in my soul than anything else.
To Live Is To Die Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I kinda delt with the same thing but you have to learn to just not care about stuff like that anymore, or else you will be and continue to be miserable because of it. You are at an age where finding a virgin is really difficult, so try to change your thoughts on this and get yourself a nice girlfriend.
hyakku Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I'm going to be brutally honest. Sex is not a holy act unless your penis or her vagina is located on some ethereal plane. Thats it. If you think that you must be a virgin and offer a woman sex to let her know you truly care, then you don't need to be in a relationship. Keep in mind I am ONLY going to be a junior in high school, but I know what a relationship is more than you. Relationships are about trust, communication, affection, and letting the other person know that you WANT to be with them. Anyone can LOVE anyone that doesn't mean they have to like them. You have to want to be with them, and just because you saved sex for them doesn't mean that they should know how much you love and want them. They should know that ALL the time, but obviously your misguided views have prevented you from learning this. Go out there, meet a nice woman and enjoy yourself. If sex happens, it Happens, its how we were all born. Not everyone born was from married partners who were all virgins, does that make the descendents unworthy too? Come on man, I used to be extremely christian in my views (no swearing, sex, etc) until about 13 or so, then I opened my eyes. These are natural things, the only thing unnatural is people trying to prevent life from happening.
ronnieromance Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I think it's great that you have this commitment to your beliefs, but I don't think you're approaching in a healthy manner. I don't know what to say. I mean, I would look at it logistically; You're going to find a virgin and have really bad to mediocre, at best, sex. Do you want to relegate your penis to missionary position for the rest of your lives? Think about this with both heads.
radiation7740 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 If he wants to wait until marriage to have sex that doesn't make him less of a man. Don't judge those who wait and don't judge those who don't want to wait. All he has to do is find a woman who is willing to wait as well. His best bet is to find a christian woman in church or go to a christian dating website. Then again even christians like myself have been guilty of compromising our morals on this issue so you just gotta use discernment. I commend anyone who has the courage to save themselves for marriage. There's no doubt that both you and your gf are going to be tempted to have sex when you have the opportunity to be alone. So the best thing to do would be to date in groups and in public. If she invites you to her home make sure she's not alone. If she is then don't go inside not even for 1 minute. You don't want to give the devil a foot in the door. God always provides a way out when we are tempted but the question is do you want to take advantage of the way out? That's a question only you can answer. Be honest with yourself & with God.
Outcast Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 What makes him a man in need of help is not the wanting to wait, but the rotten attitude towards non-virgins. Thinking that anybody who has had sex is by definition a slut is no way to gain a healthy attitude towards sex. And religion won't help that.
Fun2BMe Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 If he wants to wait until marriage to have sex that doesn't make him less of a man. Don't judge those who wait and don't judge those who don't want to wait. All he has to do is find a woman who is willing to wait as well. His best bet is to find a christian woman in church or go to a christian dating website. Then again even christians like myself have been guilty of compromising our morals on this issue so you just gotta use discernment. I commend anyone who has the courage to save themselves for marriage. There's no doubt that both you and your gf are going to be tempted to have sex when you have the opportunity to be alone. So the best thing to do would be to date in groups and in public. If she invites you to her home make sure she's not alone. If she is then don't go inside not even for 1 minute. You don't want to give the devil a foot in the door. God always provides a way out when we are tempted but the question is do you want to take advantage of the way out? That's a question only you can answer. Be honest with yourself & with God. The reason he wants a virgin is not for religious reasons but for insecurities and selfishness: as soon as I find out they have already had sex I lose interest. I actually get really hurt just as if I had been cheated on. I know that might seem kind of selfish For all we know he could be a muslim so "his best best bet is to find a Christian woman in church" as you say is not a good answer. I am a Christian woman and far from being a virgin.
radiation7740 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 The reason he wants a virgin is not for religious reasons but for insecurities and selfishness: For all we know he could be a muslim so "his best best bet is to find a Christian woman in church" as you say is not a good answer. I am a Christian woman and far from being a virgin. I don't think it's right for him to refuse dating a woman just becuz she's not a virgin but I do commend his willingness to wait until marriage. What she did in the past is not the issue. What she is willing to do in the present is the issue.
Fun2BMe Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I don't think it's right for him to refuse dating a woman just becuz she's not a virgin but I do commend his willingness to wait until marriage. What she did in the past is not the issue. What she is willing to do in the present is the issue. I agree. I am 30 something and never been married. I would not want to have remained a virgin with a fairy tale like fantasy that prince charming will come along, convince me to marry him and I can finally have sex so he won't feel insecure that I had a life before him. What if a virgin waiting for marriage never marries? An insecure hypothetical man who they have never met yet is worth for them to never experience sex in their lifetime? A male friend of mine was also waiting to marry a virgin. He himself was sexually active but demanded he marry a virgin. We set him up with womderful women but he broke all relationships off as soon as he'd learn they had a sexual history. He finally married a virgin he had been seeing for a very short time. She is a total bitch and he overlooked a lot of other qualities, valuing her virginity as the highest. To each their own.
Citizen Erased Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Look, virginity was 'prized' in history, but only for women. The purpose behind making sure women stayed virgins until marriage was because marriage was all about property rights and inheritance - men wanted to make sure their new wives were virgins so that they could be certain she wasn't carrying another man's child. Virginity was not about love and romance. Actually that is quite incorrect. Common law for marriage as far back as the 12th century was entirely different to what it is today. For some, there was no wedding day. If two people were betrothed (or engaged), it was seen as binding. You could barely get out of it. If the couple have sex then by law they were married because they had already 'consummated' their relationship. So if a woman wants to marry one person, but he then finds out after they were married (and she gives him hell as usual) that she had not gone to the marriage bed as a virgin, then technically she wasnt lawfully married to him. He could then go after whatever fancy piece he wanted. You were right, it wasn't about love and romance. It was about men wanting to put their @@@ in whatever came along next legally. Now doesnt that just bring out the feminist in women *sighs* Anywho. I think the OP is doing something great by sticking to his morals. However, wondering why all women arent virgins and dumping someone because they have had partners before they even met you is quite wrong. You are going to have to deal with the fact that not everyone is perfect.
Fun2BMe Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 wondering why all women arent virgins and dumping someone because they have had partners before they even met you is quite wrong. You are going to have to deal with the fact that not everyone is perfect. Being a virgin is not a sign of perfection. Someone can be a virgin against their will simply because they cannot get someone to have sex with them. They could be overly picky or have a million other reasons such as finding it disgusting or whatever. Someone who has put themselves out there, has had their heart broken, been involved in a sexual relationship, gained experience, knowledge and joys and disappointments seems more 'perfect' and practical. If you want a virgin, then don't force yourself to want something else. Wait until you meet one who you will want to be in a relationship with. Maybe you can get a bumper sticker that says "honk if you're a virgin." Also, what if a girl lies pretending they are a virgin when they're not. How will you know for sure? What difference is it going to make to you?
Citizen Erased Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Being a virgin is not a sign of perfection. Someone can be a virgin against their will simply because they cannot get someone to have sex with them. They could be overly picky or have a million other reasons such as finding it disgusting or whatever. Someone who has put themselves out there, has had their heart broken, been involved in a sexual relationship, gained experience, knowledge and joys and disappointments seems more 'perfect' and practical. Just to clear it up, I meant merely that by the OP's standards, a virgin is perfect, not in my own (it would be hypocritical of me to say it considering that I havent been since I was 16:o )
Guest Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I know your feelings bud. I was a virgin up until I was past 25. I had been dreaming about meeting the "perfect" woman. I demanded that she be pure and a virgin like I was. Plus, she had to pass "qualifications" that I demanded that my woman have in my life End result? I ended up being a pretty lonely little tech boy for many years. I didn't want to reduce my standards just because society has, but it seems the more I waited, the more hopeless and hopless it became. All the girls I met or got close to had lost their virginity and I immediatly shunned them and didn't admire them as much. Needless to say, relationships didn't last long. I had a really rough 2005 year with my faith. I had a mental breakdown with my OCD and religion and I had to go back on to prozac, see a christian counselor and a my physcologist again. Its a very long story, but lets just say that I was Lutheran who didn't even know the meaning of the word "Grace" and true "Forgiveiness" that is true love which is God. I had had been condeming myself for so long believing that every "wrong" thing I did caused someone to get hurt in my family, so it was a guilt trip beyond all belief. Whata a relief it was to learn that my actions don't effect others as least "spirtiually" I think God wanted to show me what he was really about. Totally unprepared and without warning, I met the woman of my dreams last September. She was the most amazing woman i've ever met. I"ve never been so close and so in love with someone in my whole life. Even when we got "intimate" she admitted that she wasn't a virgin and began to cry. I simply smiled back at her, kissed her on the forhead and said "I love you for who you are, not what you have done" After a few months, we pretty much feel committed to eachother and I gave my virginity to her and I have no regrets. We are playing careful. She's on birth control and we carefully monitor our sexuall activity. Having sex, is one thing. Making LOVE is beyond all my expecations! I know she is the woman for me, and though others my discredit and shun my actions, I have to live my life in accordance to my imperfect morals and standards while standing firm on Gods judgement to help keep me on track, I will not be guilted by another imperfect human being saying "OMG, you sinned, go to hell with you sinner" Because I will point the finger right back at them. Yeah, im not perfect, neither are you, as far as God as concerned, you and I are in the same sinking boat of sin along with Adolf Hitler. I'll do what I can to better myself as he wants me to, but I won't destroy myself in the process. I did that once, I won't do it again. I am forgivin in my faith in Jesush and my sins and I want to live my life as I am forgiven, not condemned as I tried that an dthough other christian faiths like Catholics may find it helpful with the constant guilt trip, me and her do not in our lives. We use our God given free will and if others have a problem with that, to bad. This has been a presentation of "In my honest opionion"
IceWind Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I know your feelings bud. I was a virgin up until I was past 25. I had been dreaming about meeting the "perfect" woman since before puberty. I demanded that she be pure and a virgin like I was. Plus, she had to pass "qualifications" like "Must have dark hair, no blonde" "Must not smoke/drink/drugs" "Must have decent body and breasts" Ect..ect.. that I demanded in my woman. I look back now and I spent WAAAAAY to much time worrying about meeting the perfect girl and I really don't know why considering I had a wonderful upbringing with a good family. I guess in my heart I just wanted to give my love, kindess and caring to someone else and it hurt me that I couldn't find anyone of my standards and I kept hating God because of it. End result? I ended up being a pretty lonely little tech boy for many years. I didn't want to reduce my standards just because society has, but it seems the more I waited, the more hopeless and hopless it became. All the girls I met or got close to had lost their virginity and I immediatly shunned them/judged them and didn't admire or care about them as much. Needless to say, relationships didn't last long with me and I went years with a girlfriend, cursing myself wondering if I was stuck to be a single guy forever. I had a really rough 2005 year with my faith. I had a mental breakdown with my OCD and religion and I had to go back on to prozac, see a christian counselor and a my physcologist again. Its a very long story, but lets just say that I was Lutheran who didn't even know the meaning of the word "Grace" and true "Forgiveiness" that is true love which is God. I had had been condeming myself for so long believing that every "wrong" thing I did caused someone to get hurt in my family, so it was a guilt trip beyond all belief. Not to mention, I wasn't able to afford to move out of my parents house still which was agrrevating me beyond belief, my first IT job was going down the tubes with lack of money, I was low on finances, my sister was having health problems, my whole life just sucked up until I had my breakdown last year, got help and started to really learn about God. Whata a relief it was to learn that my actions don't effect others as least "spirtiually" I think God wanted to show me what he was really about. Totally unprepared and without warning, I met the woman of my dreams last September. She was the most amazing woman i've ever met. I"ve never been so close and so in love with someone in my whole life. Even when we got "intimate" she admitted that she wasn't a virgin and began to cry. I simply smiled back at her, kissed her on the forhead and said "I love you for who you are, not what you have done" God says the same thing about us. God knows what we need/desire and gives them at the right times. I truly believe that because she is everything I wanted and more, despite her flaws I love her and vice versa. Talk about a wonderful gift from the divine! I've often said to her " I don't deserve you" She smiles back at me and says "Yes you do, otherwise i'd be a lonely, sad lady and apparantly, God thought enough of that, time to get these imperfect lovebirds together :)" Heck, she even lived on the street thats the same as my last name! Hows that for irony!? After a few months, we pretty much feel committed to eachother and I gave my virginity to her and I have no regrets. We are being careful. She's on birth control and we carefully monitor our sexuall activity in timing with her periods. Having sex, is one thing. Making LOVE is beyond all my expecations! I know she is the woman for me, and though others my discredit and shun my actions, I have to live my life in accordance to my imperfect morals and standards while standing firm on Gods judgement to help keep me on track from going to far. HOWEVER, I will not be guilted by another imperfect human being saying "OMG, you sinned, go to hell with you sinner" Because I will point the finger right back at them and say, "You first bud" Yeah, im not perfect, neither are you, as far as God is concerned, you and I are in the same sinking boat of sin on the same level as Adolf Hitler. I'll do what I can to better myself as he wants me to, but I won't destroy myself in the process. I did that once, I won't do it again. I am forgivin in my faith in Jesus and my sins and I want to live my life as I am forgiven, not condemned. Jesus said once "The Truth will set you free" Other people/denomations seem to forget that as I tried the constant guilt trip to guide me and it nearly destroyed myself. Though other christian faiths like Catholics may find it helpful with the constant guilt trip, me and her do not in our lives. We use our God given free will and if others have a problem with that, to bad. Listen to to your heart, know Gods will, accept his forgiviness, love and you can't go wrong. A year later, I have a wonderful woman whom I love, a brand new high paying job, my first apartment with all my tech toys, soon a new car, my sisters health is getting better and were planning our first vacation to the beach this summer! I've never been happier. I like to think God gives to those who are patient, trust in him and try to do what they can to better themselves for their/his benefit This has been a presentation of "In my honest opinion"
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