Unknowlingly Becoming the OW

[UnknowingOW]

Dear God, How the hell did I get here. Where to being? 2001 Memphis.

 

I have been divorced for 8-years. I was a W and informed that her H was having MANY affairs. I walked. Went back to college and made a life for myself.

 

Memphis 2001 it began. I a met a wonderful man, older, kind, caring. We dating while until I moved up north. I hadn't dated in years. On our first date he stated he was divorced too. Anyway, I moved and of course we became distant. The in Dec 2001 the email came with the "big but" But, it wasn't over marriage it was over his age. There is a 15-year difference between us. We agreed to stay friends. I really enjoyed our conversations, and he was a great mentor.

 

By 2002, he was visiting CT and I asked him for dinner. Basically we picked up where we left off. But, this time he pulled back saying he loved me but he woudln't burden me with his age difference. You see, we've had never crossed the line into to having sex. I was still leary because of my divorce.

 

By 2003 I had moved again, and this time we begain chating online. I really enjoy our chats, and calls. During this time frame he proclaimed his love for me. I pushed to see each other because I always thought the age thing was crazy...as they say love sees no age. We became sexual both online and on the phone. We talked about our love for each other. Hell, we talked about everything. This continued until 2005.

 

I know this sounds odd, but due to our work we never could meet. Someone is always on a plane, out of the country or in another state. I'm lucky if I am home 2-weeks in a row.

 

By 2005 I had moved again...right back to TN. Not Memphis. He has always been a great friend and mentor. He knows about my family, has chated with them online or even calls. Anyway, he was in my hometown and we had drinks. I told him to come and see the house I had bought...I was so excited this was my 1st house. Anway, we became sexual at once. He couldn't keep his hands off me. I backed off...I couldln't go through with making love to a man who could never have a future with me.

 

Later that year we both decided this is it, we are going to be together. I've never pushed for a date because I never knew where I would be at any time. And, i knew his life was like mine...always on the road.

 

Finally, he set a date and met him. It was the most magical experience of my life. He's always treated me like a queen. He's always walked proudly with me on his arm where ever we were. He had no problems with PDA...any where. He's asked me to see him in Oct. and I agreed.

 

Here is where I realized something wasn't right. After the "weekend" I realized I wanted more. And since he had already set the OCT date I thought I could see him whenever I could. I had asked, but he said "we'll see." Then I noticed he became very agressive sexually with his verbage. Overly agressive. Then the statement that drove me nuts. I told him he was perfect in every way to me. He repsonded by saying "you are seeing me through distorted glasses."

 

At first I just blew it off. But over the next few nights I had that feeling in the pit of my soul that something was completely off-center. I would cry at night thinking there is something wrong...what?? I tried looking up info on divorces online, but not many states post their divorce records. Then I hit one of those sites which runs background checks. As you can guess, my world slide into shame. There is was, his name, home address, and property data, and I might add...her name. He lied. Over the last few years I had asked had he bought a home yet. "No, thinking about doing that this year on a lake in C. TN" Although the tax records state they bought the house in 1/7/03. I called the number, and it was his voice on the voicemail. (I blocked my number)

 

Just two weeks ago he told me how he should have retired by this year, but because of his divorce he couldn't. What is going on??

 

So here I am...the unknowing OW. I'm so mad, so ashamed, so betrayed. I would have never followed him into the affair had I known. I know what it's like to be the W, and learn the truth of the H and lies. He has betrayed her, me, and himself. This is nuts...5-years of lies. What kind of man does this? A manipultor.

 

What to do next. The affair is over.

I am not telling her because of her age, but at odds with that b/c I was happy someone told me..it made me realize I wasn't nuts. Here's where I need help. Since this was a 5-year relationship. I feel he at least owes me answers. I've thought about the email, but feel he won't do a damn thing but delete it. I've thought about just holding out until Oct and confronting him.

 

Help, the Unknowing Adulteress

[norajane]

Answers? He won't give you answers, just more lies, rationalizations, justifcations, and nonsense that will lead to more questions.

 

You know what kind of man he is. That's enough.

[movinon05]

I'm a bit confused. What is this date in October? To get married? For him to buy a house? For him to move near you?

 

Does he know you know what you know?

 

Whatever it is, no point in waiting til October. Why put yourself through months of this? And yes, you do deserve the truth from him, but I suspect any answers he gives will be convoluted/lies/excuses whatever that probably will not make you feel better. He's started becoming distant because he knows he promised something he won't go through with.

 

You could always leave him a voicemail telling him what you know and to not ever contact you again. Or even an e-mail telling him what you know and never contact you again.

 

Just still a bit confused about the details here.

 

And you said the affair is over. Does he know that?

[BUTAFLY]

I'm with movinon....confused with the details. does he know you know? and whats to happen in oct.

 

I do feel your pain...I know how it is realize your relationship is a lie. I was also dating a man who was living a double life. We did everything together, I spent weekends at his apt., no problem showing PDA, shopped for wedding rings, met his family and friends and then WHAM!!! " I won't be in town for a few weeks, I'm getting married."

 

Do we deserve answers?...of course....how could any human be so cruel to play with someones heart so calusley? I will never know. But what I do know is you will never get a straight forward answer and your gonna drive yourself nuts trying to pick apart every detail of your relationship looking for some indication of infidelity (I thought He was cheating on me when I was the ow) but your not, these men are master manipulators/ sociopathic liars.

[UnknowingOW]

Sorry I wasn't clear about the details...I'm trying to sequence times dates, lies, and truths.

 

The Oct 2006 date is when he'll be working close to where I live. He asked if we could see each other while he is there working.

 

No, he's not buying a house. He had lied to me many months ago when I asked if he had bought a house yet..he said no. However, when I ran the background check it stated he had a bought a house back in 2003. And his wife's name is on the title. Plus I double check the property tax records for the county they live in, and they are both on the warranty deed and the mortgage docs. As for moving closer to me...no, I seriously doubt that.

 

As for does he know...no. I found out Friday night when I began researching everything. I believe they are are their daughter's home, since that was his last message to me before he flew out Friday afternoon.

 

The worst part is he in not becoming distant, he's pushing harder for us meeting and sex.

 

He does not know the affair is over. I haven't said a thing to him because I am unclear as to how to approach him. And it is also why I am thinking of waiting until Oct so I can confront him face-2-face.

[BUTAFLY]

He's pushing to meet you for sex because he knows the time is coming where the jig is going to be up. He wants some a$$ out of this ordeal before his cover is blown.

 

I say act normal and oneday during a conversation bring up the new house. "how are you and your Wife setteling in your new home?" I would love to see the look on his face and watch him stummble on his words. bastard.

[movinon05]

Nope. Whatever you decide to do, I say nip it in the bud now. I have no desire to see my exMM's face so he can give me a pack of lies or try to whittle away at what he's done, which is surely what your MM will do.

[zarathustra]

Sorry I wasn't clear about the details...I'm trying to sequence times dates, lies, and truths.

 

The Oct 2006 date is when he'll be working close to where I live. He asked if we could see each other while he is there working.

 

No, he's not buying a house. He had lied to me many months ago when I asked if he had bought a house yet..he said no. However, when I ran the background check it stated he had a bought a house back in 2003. And his wife's name is on the title. Plus I double check the property tax records for the county they live in, and they are both on the warranty deed and the mortgage docs. As for moving closer to me...no, I seriously doubt that.

 

As for does he know...no. I found out Friday night when I began researching everything. I believe they are are their daughter's home, since that was his last message to me before he flew out Friday afternoon.

 

The worst part is he in not becoming distant, he's pushing harder for us meeting and sex.

 

He does not know the affair is over. I haven't said a thing to him because I am unclear as to how to approach him. And it is also why I am thinking of waiting until Oct so I can confront him face-2-face.

Unknowing,

I understand how you feel. I'm so sorry for your pain. I think that there is nothing worse than being lied to and decieved in this manner. I think that one feeling I got from my situation was that I felt I lacked control over my life as that's something he took with his first lie. I think that had he not lied to me, I think that my xMM and I would be able to maintain a really amazing friendship. Yeah, I did like him very much as a person and valued him very much as my friend. Well, I've since made new friends. Maybe with a little less mental connection and bit less laughter. Aside from a life-long friend, I have never met anyone who can finish my sentences for me or the other way around. I've never met anyone who thinks so similar to me.

[BUTAFLY]

The worst thing about this situation is the MM takes away your choice. It truely is emtionl rape because perhaps you would have walked away knowing he was married- or not, but it still would have been your decision to make.

[2sunny]

For a man to place you in this position with your knowledge is one thing. For him to go down this road with you not knowing is unforgiveable!

 

Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you again (you may get weak). He will tell you more lies, guaranteed. He wants to continue getting his "goods."

 

Good for you - being smart enough to run a backround check on him... more people should do this... I have with men I have dated... sad to say, but we live in a curious world.

 

Dump him, the SOONER, the better! You deserve a man to be nice and honest and good to you. This is not him! He's a user and a taker!

[zarathustra]

The worst thing about this situation is the MM takes away your choice. It truely is emtionl rape because perhaps you would have walked away knowing he was married- or not, but it still would have been your decision to make.

Butafly.... I totally agree.

[RealityCheck]

Sorry I wasn't clear about the details...I'm trying to sequence times dates, lies, and truths.

 

The Oct 2006 date is when he'll be working close to where I live. He asked if we could see each other while he is there working.

 

No, he's not buying a house. He had lied to me many months ago when I asked if he had bought a house yet..he said no. However, when I ran the background check it stated he had a bought a house back in 2003. And his wife's name is on the title. Plus I double check the property tax records for the county they live in, and they are both on the warranty deed and the mortgage docs. As for moving closer to me...no, I seriously doubt that.

 

As for does he know...no. I found out Friday night when I began researching everything. I believe they are are their daughter's home, since that was his last message to me before he flew out Friday afternoon.

 

The worst part is he in not becoming distant, he's pushing harder for us meeting and sex.

 

He does not know the affair is over. I haven't said a thing to him because I am unclear as to how to approach him. And it is also why I am thinking of waiting until Oct so I can confront him face-2-face.

 

I'm still confused.....

 

You said, in your first post that the A is over, but in this one your saying October 2006 is the date?

 

This is a very emotionally dangerous zone! For me, I would send an email TODAY, telling him you know about his marital status, tell him he's a walking "Jerk" (that's being a little too polite) and end this maddness!

[zarathustra]

I'm still confused.....

 

You said, in your first post that the A is over, but in this one your saying October 2006 is the date?

 

This is a very emotionally dangerous zone! For me, I would send an email TODAY, telling him you know about his marital status, tell him he's a walking "Jerk" (that's being a little too polite) and end this maddness!

Great advice, RC!!!

 

Tell him to stay the hell away from you.

[UnknowingOW]

Yes, it is over for me. And yes, he doesn't know I know the truth.

 

I will never be with him again. The whole deal about Oct is allowing me to confront him face-2-face. That's the time of our next scheduled meeting. I'm not sure I would do that b/c he would only lie more. The email is my best approach at this point in time.

 

Thankfully I have had days to run through all the emotions. I loved him, but wasn't in-love with him which makes walking away easy. The betrayal of our friendship kills me the most.

[zarathustra]

Thankfully I have had days to run through all the emotions. I loved him, but wasn't in-love with him which makes walking away easy. The betrayal of our friendship kills me the most.

 

I feel exactly the same way. Currently, I think that if he was ever my true friend, he wouldn't have done what he did. He should have valued me more than that.

[movinon05]

Yes, it is over for me. And yes, he doesn't know I know the truth.

 

I will never be with him again. The whole deal about Oct is allowing me to confront him face-2-face. That's the time of our next scheduled meeting. I'm not sure I would do that b/c he would only lie more. The email is my best approach at this point in time.

 

Thankfully I have had days to run through all the emotions. I loved him, but wasn't in-love with him which makes walking away easy. The betrayal of our friendship kills me the most.

 

The other thing is that you are going to be talking to him or e-mailing him before October I would imagine? Right? It would be hard for you to play along with this for so many months without saying/doing something.

 

And do you really want to have this on your mind for 5 more months, waiting for the opportune time to confront him?

 

Better to use that time to move on and find someone else. Too much time has been wasted on this jerk!

[UnknowingOW]

Today was the final nail in this nasty affair.

 

Although there is something funny in all this. I was about to called their home one last time just to MAKE sure his W was there. Anyway, I hit the *67 and dialed the number, and then next thing I hear on my phone..."this phone has been forwared to xxx-xxx-xxxx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm like HOLY CRAP What have I done??? I've just forwarded all my calll to his home and I'd don't know how to remove the forwarding...I hit the block caller id code...what is happening??? Pleople will be asking for me at his home. My friends will put 2-n-2 together when he said "This is J" and go off on him, or "J" repsonds "who are you calling?" And they say "MT" (Just the fear on his face then would have been enough for me...lol) . I have VOIP, so I jumpped online for the manual to cancel the call forwarding...it was the longest time I've ever had a web-page load itself. Thankfully, I got it removed.

 

I called their house and she answered like I thought. She sounds so nice. Basically someone I would like had this hadn't happened.

 

Anyway, he and I had chatted with for 1-hour today about what he was going to do to me when he saw me again.However, this time, I saved the im with a timestamp, just in case I needed to prove anything to anyone. I needed documentation...cover all bases where he is concerned.

 

Now I understand the lure they have over you. I was cold and distant during the chat. And then findiing myself wanting him...listening to how he thought this would ease the wanting from our "weekend", but now he wants me more then before...YIKES, powerful words. It's like he knows how to pull me back...Just like my ex H...keep the lies and pull her back. You are all so right NC is the only way to go.

 

I've blocked him on all my instant messages programs with the exception of Yahoo. Tomorrow when he signs and sends me his "Good Morning my Sexy Lady" wakeup smack you ow ping. Click send on the email which said...don't call me. You lied. Never contact me ever again. Oh yeah, I've included the County Tax records, and a copy of the background check highlighted in yellow for easy viewing...lol... Then I'll click delete on Yahoo and he is gone.

 

I will survive. I always do.

 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ WOO HOO what a ride!"

[movinon05]

Today was the final nail in this nasty affair.

 

Although there is something funny in all this. I was about to called their home one last time just to MAKE sure his W was there. Anyway, I hit the *67 and dialed the number, and then next thing I hear on my phone..."this phone has been forwared to xxx-xxx-xxxx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm like HOLY CRAP What have I done??? I've just forwarded all my calll to his home and I'd don't know how to remove the forwarding...I hit the block caller id code...what is happening??? Pleople will be asking for me at his home. My friends will put 2-n-2 together when he said "This is J" and go off on him, or "J" repsonds "who are you calling?" And they say "MT" (Just the fear on his face then would have been enough for me...lol) . I have VOIP, so I jumpped online for the manual to cancel the call forwarding...it was the longest time I've ever had a web-page load itself. Thankfully, I got it removed.

 

I called their house and she answered like I thought. She sounds so nice. Basically someone I would like had this hadn't happened.

 

Anyway, he and I had chatted with for 1-hour today about what he was going to do to me when he saw me again.However, this time, I saved the im with a timestamp, just in case I needed to prove anything to anyone. I needed documentation...cover all bases where he is concerned.

 

Now I understand the lure they have over you. I was cold and distant during the chat. And then findiing myself wanting him...listening to how he thought this would ease the wanting from our "weekend", but now he wants me more then before...YIKES, powerful words. It's like he knows how to pull me back...Just like my ex H...keep the lies and pull her back. You are all so right NC is the only way to go.

 

I've blocked him on all my instant messages programs with the exception of Yahoo. Tomorrow when he signs and sends me his "Good Morning my Sexy Lady" wakeup smack you ow ping. Click send on the email which said...don't call me. You lied. Never contact me ever again. Oh yeah, I've included the County Tax records, and a copy of the background check highlighted in yellow for easy viewing...lol... Then I'll click delete on Yahoo and he is gone.

 

I will survive. I always do.

 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ WOO HOO what a ride!"

 

Yikes!! That was a close one!! I'm glad you knew how to stop the forwarding. I wouldn't have!!

 

Good for you!! I hope you can stick to it! Be prepared. He will still try to contact you again!

 

I love that quote, but forget who wrote it!

[UnknowingOW]

I sent the email telling him I know of his deceit. Honestly, i never thought he would respond. But, he responded by saying I never intended to hurt you. I have true feelings for you. You are my best friend. I am so sorry. That he knew what we had would end the moment I found out.

 

He called me that night in tears explaining the details of their marriage. I could hear the shame in his voice. He told me how much he loved me. That he wants a clean break from his marriage, but finances were the main factor as to why they haven't divorced. Which I do understand since they have been married for so long. He told me they were/had been separated for many years when we meet. He said he moved out Jan of this year and has not been back. He said their marriage is awful. He said I was the only one, there had been no others. He said the marriage was the only lie he had told and that everything else was the truth. I told him that was a huge lie to keep from me.

 

I responded by saying, as a friend, if you love her you need to stay and make it work. I told him I understood why the finances could make him stay. I told him I could not continue this unless he was divorced.

 

The whole thing was gut wrenching.