Guest Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Lots of us want MM to leave his family to be with us. So, what if he said, OK I'm leaving if we both get in the same boat and have to be the non-primary parent. would you do it for love? (if other parent's house was good place too). then, if you would, what comes first, the chicken or the egg? of course, the natural mother reaction is to say they have to show us final D papers before we mess with custody arrangements. But isn't that the flip side of the coin where we say NC until you show me D papers- if he said, show me you'll really change your situation first, is that asking more than what we ask of him? this is just hypothetical but opinions with real thought would be good.
scarletletter Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Never in a million years would I give up my primary custody of my child for anyone...ever.
Iwanttohope Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Never in a million years would I give up my primary custody of my child for anyone...ever. Ditto.... everytime my xMM was torn into pieces over leaving his kids and having partial custody he would ask me how I would feel if I had to make that kind of choice... I always said that there is no way I could do it and that if he had any doubts whatsoever then he needed to stay and work on his marriage. That's what he did. It was the right thing but it really hurts.
movinon05 Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 My exMM used to ask me that all the time. Now I know he was full of s***!! I told him we'd work it out somehow. I did move out of my house and went for custody from there, never knowing my H was going to do the things he did to my kids and neglect them the way he did. I didn't have to worry about a court because the kids came running to me and knew I was there, 24/7, even if not physically in the house. I was near enough to get to. Too long a story, but anyway. ExMM asked me the same thing. In the end, he couldn't live up to his end of the bargain. It was just talk, that's all it was. Just a bunch of BS. I know that now!
stillafool Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I don't have children but if I loved the MM I wouldn't mind helping him with the kids anyway I could. Unforturnately, they always put the reason they don't leave is for the kids sake. This is usually BS. If they were so worried about their kids they wouldn't be having an A in the first place for fear of losing them. No they BS a lot. I guess whatever fits the bill at the time to meet their needs. When put to the test it normally doesn't pan out.
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Never in a million years would I give up my primary custody of my child for anyone...ever. Ditto.... everytime my xMM was torn into pieces over leaving his kids and having partial custody he would ask me how I would feel if I had to make that kind of choice... I always said that there is no way I could do it and that if he had any doubts whatsoever then he needed to stay and work on his marriage. That's what he did. It was the right thing but it really hurts. Mine left his wife and kids when I encouraged him to stay and not start anything with me. He chose to leave and then regretted the decision later. It caused a lot of pain for everyone and the thing that I'm most mad about is that his children are old enough that this will be part of their memories. I'm also angry that he had to break my heart in order to figure out that he cannot be a part time dad. I really don't think that the realization should have come at someone else's expense. Before we started, I told him that if he felt just a little bit for his wife that he owes it to himself and his kids to work things out. I didn't become emotionally tied to him until he told me that he was sure about us and that it is me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that he wanted the whole world to know that he loves me, etc. IWTH, I hopt you know that you are so strong and you did the best thing for yourself. I feel your pain so acutely and I hope you hold faith in your heart in knowing that you will get through this.
Iwanttohope Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 IWTH, I hopt you know that you are so strong and you did the best thing for yourself. I feel your pain so acutely and I hope you hold faith in your heart in knowing that you will get through this. Thanks Zara... please don't think nobility is what led me to tell him if he had any doubts he should stay and work on his marriage. I just knew that if he left with doubts he would later resent me for it. I prayed his response would be "of course I have no doubts, I love you and want to be with you"... that's not quite how it went:sick: I'm on day 28 and still struggling with obsessive thoughts about their happiness. I try to push them out of my head but... it drives me crazy. I pray daily for APATHY towards my xMM and his W. For me, apathy equals freedom right now.
movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Lots of us want MM to leave his family to be with us. So, what if he said, OK I'm leaving if we both get in the same boat and have to be the non-primary parent. would you do it for love? (if other parent's house was good place too). then, if you would, what comes first, the chicken or the egg? of course, the natural mother reaction is to say they have to show us final D papers before we mess with custody arrangements. But isn't that the flip side of the coin where we say NC until you show me D papers- if he said, show me you'll really change your situation first, is that asking more than what we ask of him? this is just hypothetical but opinions with real thought would be good. Just another thought. And it does apply to my situation if it had happened. You can't necessarily assume that being the non-primary parent is in the best interest of the children. My exMM's children would have been taken care of very well by the W, and he would have done whatever he could. My exH, I thought, would be able to take care of them when he had them. But he didn't. I wish I could say he did. I don't say it lightly. I would love to be able to say my children have two parents who took care of them the way they should. But he didn't. And as a result, he doesn't have them. We went through very tough, emotional times regarding his neglect. Which is why, when MM wanted to move in with me, and I had the children because it was totally necessary for their safety and well being, that I could not sacrifice one for the other or put my children through any more. Ultimately, it is the "best interest of the children" that has to far outweigh any selfishness the adult might have towards what would be the easier way to get a D so you can be together.
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 IWTH, I hopt you know that you are so strong and you did the best thing for yourself. I feel your pain so acutely and I hope you hold faith in your heart in knowing that you will get through this. Thanks Zara... please don't think nobility is what led me to tell him if he had any doubts he should stay and work on his marriage. I just knew that if he left with doubts he would later resent me for it. I prayed his response would be "of course I have no doubts, I love you and want to be with you"... that's not quite how it went:sick: I'm on day 28 and still struggling with obsessive thoughts about their happiness. I try to push them out of my head but... it drives me crazy. I pray daily for APATHY towards my xMM and his W. For me, apathy equals freedom right now. You know, even if he said that he doesn't doubt, there's no guarantee that he won't doubt his decision later. Mine did. I'm not saying that each one will do that, but until he leaves for himself and live life on his own for a while to figure out what he really wants, its my opinion that they really don't know. I'm on the 7th month after the split and there are days like today that I feel like I'm back to day one. My xMM visited me for a work visit and even though its for work related stuff, I still hurt from seeing him. I'm so frustrated at myself as I feel like I can be so much stronger than this... that I can beat it. That I can get around my feelings for him and live a happy life because I deserve to be a significant other to someone and with him, I would be insignificant. But right now, I'm just having that really sad moment and I really don't know how to get to that point of apathy. I feel like I'm going insane.
Iwanttohope Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I'm on the 7th month after the split and there are days like today that I feel like I'm back to day one. My xMM visited me for a work visit and even though its for work related stuff, I still hurt from seeing him. UGH!! I don't want to hear that! I can't stand the thought of feeling this way at seven months. Is there any possible way you can change jobs? There is no way in hell I could work around my xMM. I've even changed some of my driving routes because I don't want him to see me burst into tears if we pass on the road! I can't imagine having to cope around him and others at work.
zarathustra Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I'm on the 7th month after the split and there are days like today that I feel like I'm back to day one. My xMM visited me for a work visit and even though its for work related stuff, I still hurt from seeing him. UGH!! I don't want to hear that! I can't stand the thought of feeling this way at seven months. Is there any possible way you can change jobs? There is no way in hell I could work around my xMM. I've even changed some of my driving routes because I don't want him to see me burst into tears if we pass on the road! I can't imagine having to cope around him and others at work. Contractually no, I cannot. I have to stay for 4 more months and there are times when we have to work late together, lunch together (rare time), etc. Don't get me wrong, there are good days and bad... today is a bad day. Too much interaction. I think that if you are not seeing daily like I do mine, then you will heal faster than I will. Chin up. I'm trying to keep mine up and not cry, I'm not doing too well at it right now, but that's just life.
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