Author scarletletter Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 Yes, obviously they need help and support way beyond what could be given here in the forum. But my point is that I could not be understanding because I have never been in that situation. That is what I meant by people coming in here and treating us like a sack of sh*t because of what we are doing. Most of them have no idea what it is like to be in this situation...and then they would say..." I would never allow myself to be in that situation...i have too much respect for myself"...WHATEVER!! They probably have done much worse than us. I think that is the reason that I would not be in the abuse forum...I know my limits and I would be terribal in there.
Author scarletletter Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 Yes well other than having an A... I did the unthinkable, I let my dog run loose without a tag and paid a very high price of a $30.00 ticket.....*laughing* YOU SHOULD CLEARLY BE PUT TO DEATH!! SHAME ON YOU..! I accidentally turned without putting on my signal on Friday and received a warning ticket...!!! What is this world coming to??????
Iwanttohope Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Yes well other than having an A... I did the unthinkable, I let my dog run loose without a tag and paid a very high price of a $30.00 ticket.....*laughing Ok...that was funny! Nothing like a little levity;)
Author scarletletter Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 This just reminded me of something that happened awhile ago. Back in the very very early stages of the EA, before it became more than that, my H, MM, W and I were sitting on their porch. W started telling us about MM's uncle who had come to visit with his mistress. They were older and traveling south to Florida, and stopped by for a visit, while his W was home up north. Apparently they've done this a number of times. Well W laughed and said they were always welcome in her home. She couldn't believe it, but she really liked the OW and she didn't have any judgments about what MMs uncle was doing! Until it happened to her. Suddenly it was another ball game. Very interesting...that sounds like a movie that I saw once. In fact, now that I think about it, many of our stories could make a good movie. Some would be horror shows and some comedies.
movinon05 Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Very interesting...that sounds like a movie that I saw once. In fact, now that I think about it, many of our stories could make a good movie. Some would be horror shows and some comedies. Yeah, but it turns my stomach that she was okay with someone else doing it, even liked them and welcomed them, then she did a 360. I can understand her not wanting that to happen to her, but she became completely black and white after that. I have a feeling if the uncle and mistress ever showed up again, they wouldn't have been welcome.
Author scarletletter Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 Probably not, movin on...What is that saying....something about walking a mile in my shoes...???? Can't remember exactly. I'm sure if uncle and mistress came back for a visit, she would not be as supportive.
RealityCheck Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 YOU SHOULD CLEARLY BE PUT TO DEATH!! SHAME ON YOU..! I accidentally turned without putting on my signal on Friday and received a warning ticket...!!! What is this world coming to?????? *laughing* Was the Copper good looking at least!!!
erika2610 Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 I have been going through some threads on here and noticing that everyone is being so supportive of each other, in their own way. Isn't it nice when things go this way. This is what this forum is for...not for someone who doesn't have a clue how you feel to come on here and tell us that we are sinners, whores, fools, etc. It is nice to see the understanding that is going on here..very refreshing. I guess all of the critics are on vacations...thank God! That's because for the most part, y'all are newbys. The ones who used to be here don't come as much. Alot of the times, when you're an ex-OW, after trying to help people for so long, and them just not listening, or after posting for so long, you find out that people only hear what they wanna hear. It gets frustrating. After a while, you find yourself getting impatient, and just aggravated. So it's not only people that don't know what you're going through that tell you you're fools, and you're going to get hurt.. it's people that have been in your shoes too. Some advice that has been given in the past is not meant to be harsh.. it's not meant to be judgemental per say. It's just the truth, and some people just don't sugar coat it like people want them to.
Blind Illusion Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 That's because for the most part, y'all are newbys. The ones who used to be here don't come as much. Alot of the times, when you're an ex-OW, after trying to help people for so long, and them just not listening, or after posting for so long, you find out that people only hear what they wanna hear. It gets frustrating. After a while, you find yourself getting impatient, and just aggravated. So it's not only people that don't know what you're going through that tell you you're fools, and you're going to get hurt.. it's people that have been in your shoes too. Some advice that has been given in the past is not meant to be harsh.. it's not meant to be judgemental per say. It's just the truth, and some people just don't sugar coat it like people want them to. See, now, I can't speak for everyone obviously, but I don't think I'd be like that. First of all, my outcome doesn't have to be their outcome. And even if it is, the circumstances leading there will be different. I was in a support forum once for quitting smoking and even 6 years later, I can still understand the anguish and diffficulty as if it was yesterday. I never chastised people for repeadedly making the same errors of judgment that led to repeated relapse, nor did it frustrate me. Who is perfect? I will concede that others did get like you describe though. Guess everyone is different.
erika2610 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 See, now, I can't speak for everyone obviously, but I don't think I'd be like that. First of all, my outcome doesn't have to be their outcome. And even if it is, the circumstances leading there will be different. I was in a support forum once for quitting smoking and even 6 years later, I can still understand the anguish and diffficulty as if it was yesterday. I never chastised people for repeadedly making the same errors of judgment that led to repeated relapse, nor did it frustrate me. Who is perfect? I will concede that others did get like you describe though. Guess everyone is different. You don't think you'd be like that, but you don't know for sure. I didn't think I would either. And yes, like you said, I've seen other ex-OW's on here like that too. It's frustrating, because you know the path some girls are going down, and they just refuse to listen to anything they don't want to hear. They don't listen when you try to warn them. I posted on a thread a while back, by a girl named Aussie-Mandy. She wanted to be with this MM, she was pursuing him. We all tried to warn her, and the more we did, the more she snapped back. That's the kind of situation where I find I have to just step back, because I tend to get just like the judgemental people I argue with all the time. Like I said, it's just frustrating when you see people going down a path that you went down, and they just don't want to hear any of the warnings..
Guest Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 You don't think you'd be like that, but you don't know for sure. I didn't think I would either. And yes, like you said, I've seen other ex-OW's on here like that too. It's frustrating, because you know the path some girls are going down, and they just refuse to listen to anything they don't want to hear. They don't listen when you try to warn them. I posted on a thread a while back, by a girl named Aussie-Mandy. She wanted to be with this MM, she was pursuing him. We all tried to warn her, and the more we did, the more she snapped back. That's the kind of situation where I find I have to just step back, because I tend to get just like the judgemental people I argue with all the time. Like I said, it's just frustrating when you see people going down a path that you went down, and they just don't want to hear any of the warnings.. I also went through the ordeal with Aussie Mandy and found it to be the most exhausting post ever! I did try to talk her out of persuing this man she was after because he was making a fool of her. It was a little different with her because she hadn't actually done anything yet but was just hell-bent on getting hurt. None of her story made any sense. Most of us a typical OW and I really do value the opinions of ex ow...that is why I come here. It's the one's that have no idea what we are going through that drive me crazy. The literally cannot put themselves in my place when they have never been in a extramarital affair.
Blind Illusion Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 No, you're right Erika, I don't know how I would be for certain. That much is true. I guess the tendency for everyone to think that their situation is different makes it hard for posters to accept support from Internet strangers. Even if they have gone through something similar.
Author scarletletter Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 No, you're right Erika, I don't know how I would be for certain. That much is true. I guess the tendency for everyone to think that their situation is different makes it hard for posters to accept support from Internet strangers. Even if they have gone through something similar. Everyone wants to think their situation is different...especially me. I do respect all other's opinions that have been in my situation.
erika2610 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 No, you're right Erika, I don't know how I would be for certain. That much is true. I guess the tendency for everyone to think that their situation is different makes it hard for posters to accept support from Internet strangers. Even if they have gone through something similar. I don't judge people who've been where I have.. why would I? I guess after so long of trying to give advice to people who just snap back and who just keep trying to justify themselves, you have to step back, because you tend to find yourself getting very short tempered.. maybe, I dunno what I'd call it. I've been around LS for over a year now, I've seen it all. Judgemental people, people who just like to stir the pot, trolls, all of em. And I guess after a couple years of trying to give advice, and having people not listen and argue back, you just think you're wasting your breath, and your advice is not so good anymore..
Author scarletletter Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 and to add to the previous post....I have received some great advice from some ex ow on here that have led me to asking certain questions or behaving a certain way to my MM. There are some very wise women on here. I do not respond to trash talk though, and for the most part..I haven't seen any in a while.
Blind Illusion Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I guess the tendency for everyone to think that their situation is different makes it hard for posters to accept support from Internet strangers. Even if they have gone through something similar. I was rereading what I wrote & think maybe it could be misconstrued. I don't mean it like *I* think the people here are mere Internet strangers & therefore, discard their views. Hell, I'll listen to anybody, whether they were in a similar situation or not so long as they aren't responding with arrogance. Too many times in life, I have disagreed at one point in life, only to remember the advice years later & think there was some validity, after all. I meant more along the lines of people thinking their situations are unique and there could be a tendency to disregard advice (I should have used that word instead of support) from someone they might not know so well.
RealityCheck Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I was rereading what I wrote & think maybe it could be misconstrued. I don't mean it like *I* think the people here are mere Internet strangers & therefore, discard their views. Hell, I'll listen to anybody, whether they were in a similar situation or not so long as they aren't responding with arrogance. Too many times in life, I have disagreed at one point in life, only to remember the advice years later & think there was some validity, after all. I meant more along the lines of people thinking their situations are unique and there could be a tendency to disregard advice (I should have used that word instead of support) from someone they might not know so well. Or; All too often, I seem to come face to face with an experience I thought I would NEVER get into and find myself "smack in the middle" of the one I said would NEVER happen to me! Alas! Here I am the OW.... Heck, I do believe I have grown past getting angry with myself. "It is, what it is". Another life experience to deal with as I feel is best for ME. The support on this forum has been great! Not to mention the new found friendships...
movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 See now, I often wonder why I am here. After all, I'm no longer an OW. When I first came here, I had to deal with exMM showing back up. In the course of it all, I made some very wonderful friends. And while here, I tried to dispense some of my experiences to see if it would hit home with someone. I can readily understand why people leave. Its not like I'm staying here because I'm in the throes of it all. Sometimes someone will tell me that what I said made a difference for them. And I never would have known it! Other times, I'll get frustrated because I can't stop people from going down the same path and they don't want to hear it. But that would have been me a few years ago too. I get to the point where I can't get mixed up in the newbies because I feel like I'm sounding like a broken record. And I come here to enjoy talking to my friends. I wonder when the time will come that I leave this board because I'm really not doing anything constructive. Until then, I'll hang around. I don't want to lose many of you. (And to tell you the truth, I know I'm gonna need you guys this summer. I know I'm gonna hear from him, and I'm gonna need you all when that time comes.) In short, when I feel like I'm no use to anyone anymore, I'll go. I just don't know that I'll ever give up trying to help someone.
Author scarletletter Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 You know, after I have given it some thought, I really think I am the only one on this entire forum that is not an ex ow or trying to do NC. I am in the craziest relationship that I have ever been in and I have never been happier. It just seems to work for me right now. I agree that sometimes it's like a broken record trying to tell a newby not to have an affair. Although I am having one myself, I would never recommend it to anyone. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but I just keep going through the motions because it is making me happy at the moment. I get frustrated many times and come here to see if anyone else feels the same. Most are trying NC and I have never done that. I want all the contact that I can get right now. Sounds very hypocritical but I cannot explain it. This is no life for the weak at heart. Some day I might be in here crying my eyes out and everyone can say "I told you so" and I will listen and hope to gain support. From what I can gather here, no one can tell anyone else what to do, they can just tell them if they think they are making a mistake and hope the best for them. It does get old to see the same ones over and over making poor choices but that is how we learn, from our mistakes....unfortunately some of us never learn.
Owl Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Erika- Personally, I agree with a lot of what you're saying. I'm NOT an OW (don't have the qualifications, me being a guy and all), but I've posted on this forum a lot in the past. I really don't come here to judge, but I used to come quite a bit to offer advice for those that seemed to need/want it. I've stopped offering that advice almost completely...for the exact reasons you've pointed out. Now, there have been a lot of people who've come back quite a while later and thanked me for the advice that they decided to follow way after they left LS for a while...it normally takes a long time for it to sink in. But I'm basically tired of trying to get the same point across...many many people simply have to learn by their own experience...they just cannot learn from someone else's situations. This isn't judging any of you ladies here...there's no point in my judging any of you. Most of you are in a very unhappy situation and are trying to figure out how to deal with it. Some of you are happy with the situation as it stands...that's fine. Hopefully all the other people involved in your situation will end up feeling the same way too. It's quiet around here because most of the posters who truly came here to give advice and help have moved on...and no one has come in yet to fill that void. They will...it's a cycle. Good luck to all of you...I really do hope that things work out for everyone involved in each of your situations the best that they possibly can.
RealityCheck Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 You know, after I have given it some thought, I really think I am the only one on this entire forum that is not an ex ow or trying to do NC. I am in the craziest relationship that I have ever been in and I have never been happier. It just seems to work for me right now. I agree that sometimes it's like a broken record trying to tell a newby not to have an affair. Although I am having one myself, I would never recommend it to anyone. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but I just keep going through the motions because it is making me happy at the moment. I get frustrated many times and come here to see if anyone else feels the same. Most are trying NC and I have never done that. I want all the contact that I can get right now. Sounds very hypocritical but I cannot explain it. This is no life for the weak at heart. Some day I might be in here crying my eyes out and everyone can say "I told you so" and I will listen and hope to gain support. From what I can gather here, no one can tell anyone else what to do, they can just tell them if they think they are making a mistake and hope the best for them. It does get old to see the same ones over and over making poor choices but that is how we learn, from our mistakes....unfortunately some of us never learn. Hmmmmm....I pretty much am in your space SL I have learned alot about an A, but I still don't feel that I have lost anything because it works for me today. I may feel differently and choose to change things down the road, but for today, this is where I am. I just find this Forum very supportive in the experience.
erika2610 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Erika- Personally, I agree with a lot of what you're saying. I'm NOT an OW (don't have the qualifications, me being a guy and all), but I've posted on this forum a lot in the past. I really don't come here to judge, but I used to come quite a bit to offer advice for those that seemed to need/want it. I've stopped offering that advice almost completely...for the exact reasons you've pointed out. Now, there have been a lot of people who've come back quite a while later and thanked me for the advice that they decided to follow way after they left LS for a while...it normally takes a long time for it to sink in. But I'm basically tired of trying to get the same point across...many many people simply have to learn by their own experience...they just cannot learn from someone else's situations. This isn't judging any of you ladies here...there's no point in my judging any of you. Most of you are in a very unhappy situation and are trying to figure out how to deal with it. Some of you are happy with the situation as it stands...that's fine. Hopefully all the other people involved in your situation will end up feeling the same way too. It's quiet around here because most of the posters who truly came here to give advice and help have moved on...and no one has come in yet to fill that void. They will...it's a cycle. Good luck to all of you...I really do hope that things work out for everyone involved in each of your situations the best that they possibly can. Thank you.. you put it so well I've had people tell me that I offered great advice.. even BS's But those people are gone now. People like LadyJane, Newbby But it just gets tiring when you have people who just don't listen at all, and they just keep snapping back at you. But now it's a whole new crop of OW. And y'all do seem very supportive of each other.. so good job on that
erika2610 Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 I also went through the ordeal with Aussie Mandy and found it to be the most exhausting post ever! I did try to talk her out of persuing this man she was after because he was making a fool of her. It was a little different with her because she hadn't actually done anything yet but was just hell-bent on getting hurt. None of her story made any sense. Most of us a typical OW and I really do value the opinions of ex ow...that is why I come here. It's the one's that have no idea what we are going through that drive me crazy. The literally cannot put themselves in my place when they have never been in a extramarital affair. Sometimes it's good to have an outside perspective though. And you don't always know if that person who's driving you crazy is an ex-OW who hasn't told you she was.
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