movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 So yeah, broke up with the BF. Didn't really bat an eye over it! I told you all I wanted to be alone for a bit. Went online dating for 3 days, got off, talk to some guys. Probably will end up meeting one or two of them if I feel like it. Or I may change my mind. Every day its something different! One day I want to date, next day I don't, next day I'm daydreaming that I'll meet the man of my dreams, next day couldn't care less, next day woeful, everyday exMM passes through my mind, but nothing heartbreaking. Hopeful about life one day, bored with it the next. I'm really starting to question myself. Wondering WTF is going on with me. Can anyone relate to this? What is going on with me????
RealityCheck Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 So yeah, broke up with the BF. Didn't really bat an eye over it! I told you all I wanted to be alone for a bit. Went online dating for 3 days, got off, talk to some guys. Probably will end up meeting one or two of them if I feel like it. Or I may change my mind. Every day its something different! One day I want to date, next day I don't, next day I'm daydreaming that I'll meet the man of my dreams, next day couldn't care less, next day woeful, everyday exMM passes through my mind, but nothing heartbreaking. Hopeful about life one day, bored with it the next. I'm really starting to question myself. Wondering WTF is going on with me. Can anyone relate to this? What is going on with me???? Hi MO.... I certainly can relate! In fact, I have 3 guys on the go myself from on-line dating! Nice looking, single and really good careers. This weekend I was supposed to hook up on two dates and politely bowed out! Why? Simply because I really needed to be alone. Not for dwelling on the MM as much as it was for "my time". I couldn't be bothered getting all dolled up to go out! Especially when I was having far too much fun with you all this weekend. It was just something I felt like doing! I am funny that way, in terms of committing myself. I live very much in the moment so when the time does come where I made arrangements and I don't feel like it in the moment, I really don't question it for any other reason other than I need space. I usually keep my dating to Wednesday nights. This way, he only gets about 4 hours of my time in which I can assess whether he is worth my time on a weekend. Seems to work for me. If I am asked for another date, I can easily say, sorry I'm going away for the weekend.
zarathustra Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Hi MO.... I certainly can relate! In fact, I have 3 guys on the go myself from on-line dating! Nice looking, single and really good careers. This weekend I was supposed to hook up on two dates and politely bowed out! Why? Simply because I really needed to be alone. Not for dwelling on the MM as much as it was for "my time". I couldn't be bothered getting all dolled up to go out! Especially when I was having far too much fun with you all this weekend. It was just something I felt like doing! I am funny that way, in terms of committing myself. I live very much in the moment so when the time does come where I made arrangements and I don't feel like it in the moment, I really don't question it for any other reason other than I need space. I usually keep my dating to Wednesday nights. This way, he only gets about 4 hours of my time in which I can assess whether he is worth my time on a weekend. Seems to work for me. If I am asked for another date, I can easily say, sorry I'm going away for the weekend. I haven't really been alone in many years. I probably have co-dependancy issues or something. But there are times when I just need 'my time' so I register in courses that my H isn't interested in. When I was with MM, he saw his kids Thursdays and Saturdays so I know I have 'me time' those days and make the most of it. So, MO, you are perfectly normal in the way you feel.
Author movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 Yes, yes!! That's like me!! I just didn't feel like getting dolled up either (and was having fun with you guys as well). I could've gone to Atlantic City with the BT!! He also suggested renting a movie. Wasn't in the mood to do that. I also didn't want to have to get any kind of pressure to do more than watch a movie! I am also an "in the moment" type person. I'll think ok, I'll go out this weekend with (whoever). I broke a dinner date with BT last week because it was a weeknight, and by the time the day came, I didn't feel like it. He understood as I explained it to him, needing time to myself, and even about the weekend. But he also knows me from last year. These other guys I'm talking to, don't know where it will go, but I don't know that they would understand when I try to explain I'm just not up for it when I just put myself on the date site. It will give mixed signals, but that seems to be what I am right now. One mixed signal!
Author movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 I haven't really been alone in many years. I probably have co-dependancy issues or something. But there are times when I just need 'my time' so I register in courses that my H isn't interested in. When I was with MM, he saw his kids Thursdays and Saturdays so I know I have 'me time' those days and make the most of it. So, MO, you are perfectly normal in the way you feel. The only thing I can think of rationally is that I am in some kind of transitioning stage. Want this, don't want that, new day, new rules. That's all I can come up with. I certainly have a lot more time for myself these days, but I'm not doing anything productive. I used to be so busy, on the go, focused on my kids. Now... I don't know what to do with myself!
RealityCheck Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Yes, yes!! That's like me!! I just didn't feel like getting dolled up either (and was having fun with you guys as well). I could've gone to Atlantic City with the BT!! He also suggested renting a movie. Wasn't in the mood to do that. I also didn't want to have to get any kind of pressure to do more than watch a movie! I am also an "in the moment" type person. I'll think ok, I'll go out this weekend with (whoever). I broke a dinner date with BT last week because it was a weeknight, and by the time the day came, I didn't feel like it. He understood as I explained it to him, needing time to myself, and even about the weekend. But he also knows me from last year. These other guys I'm talking to, don't know where it will go, but I don't know that they would understand when I try to explain I'm just not up for it when I just put myself on the date site. It will give mixed signals, but that seems to be what I am right now. One mixed signal! MO... Rather than giving mixed signals, what I do is say something like..... "You know, I would like to meet you, however, the next couple of weekends forthcoming I have already committed too". Can we possibly meet for a coffee on Wednesday at around 7ish." That way, you maintain a level of mystery and don't sound like you are giving off mixed signals.
Author movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 Yeah, that's good. Sometimes I think I should just go out and stop worrying about it! I might just enjoy myself! I think I'm just going to have to push myself out that door is what I really think, and try not to take myself or any of these guys seriously. Gee, that sounds terrible too!! Ach!!!
Blind Illusion Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I have found in the past (different men, different boyfriends) that it's almost better to take a complete breather from men in general. Otherwise, what would happen is I would be with some man and almost resent that they weren't the original man, minus the flaw. I'd end up feeling even emptier than before regarding my loss. I think its understandable the way you feel-one day wishing to date, one day not. People are told that they will find someone even better, more worthy, etc and you almost want to fast forward that time frame along so you don't have to experience the bad feelings of today. Then, it doesn't happen quite so fast and you start feeling a different way. Hang in there though. I'm all for distractions helping soothe the pain but I think they are better in the form of something else besides a different man. Long ago, I discovered the best distraction ever when I feared facing a New Year's Eve without my live-in boyfriend for the very first time. I suggested to a girlfriend that we spend NYE in Paris and that's what we did. It was so great that I barely thought of the old bf & it was something so unassociated with him too. I really think that if I had the same lifestyle/means to travel as I had then, I could get over MM so much better. I'd replace the passion for him with the passion for going to new corners of the world. Ahhhh....if only I was born an heiress..lol
RealityCheck Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Yeah, that's good. Sometimes I think I should just go out and stop worrying about it! I might just enjoy myself! I think I'm just going to have to push myself out that door is what I really think, and try not to take myself or any of these guys seriously. Gee, that sounds terrible too!! Ach!!! You know MO.... Given our life's path with having kids, careers, home responsibilities Divorced and let's not forget being in a torrid Affair, it seems to me that down time is much needed. Hell! We have and had alot to deal with in our time. Its really okay and very normal to be in our flighty positions. I'm certainly not worried about it! Can't be bothered. Nor should you! Relax and do exactly whatever you feel like doing for yourself! I look at it as de-programming to re-programming myself to doing things for me now!
Blind Illusion Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 torrid Affair, So so so sooooooo off-thread & unimportant, but ever notice that when the adjective "torrid", is used, the word "affair" usually follows. Don't mind me....woke up in a starnge mood. Back to our regularly scheduled thread.
Author movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 I have found in the past (different men, different boyfriends) that it's almost better to take a complete breather from men in general. Otherwise, what would happen is I would be with some man and almost resent that they weren't the original man, minus the flaw. I'd end up feeling even emptier than before regarding my loss. I think its understandable the way you feel-one day wishing to date, one day not. People are told that they will find someone even better, more worthy, etc and you almost want to fast forward that time frame along so you don't have to experience the bad feelings of today. Then, it doesn't happen quite so fast and you start feeling a different way. Hang in there though. I'm all for distractions helping soothe the pain but I think they are better in the form of something else besides a different man. Long ago, I discovered the best distraction ever when I feared facing a New Year's Eve without my live-in boyfriend for the very first time. I suggested to a girlfriend that we spend NYE in Paris and that's what we did. It was so great that I barely thought of the old bf & it was something so unassociated with him too. I really think that if I had the same lifestyle/means to travel as I had then, I could get over MM so much better. I'd replace the passion for him with the passion for going to new corners of the world. Ahhhh....if only I was born an heiress..lol Well damn, if I could fly off to Paris, I'd be there in a nano second!! Hell, I'd be happy to go out over the bridge in Philly for gosh sakes!! lol! However, finances and no one to go with nix those ideas in the bud! And part of me thinks that would just be a temporary escape from reality. It wouldn't necessarily solve my problem. I agree with you on some terms. However, this is not even about the exMM. I did just get out of an 8 mo. R with exBF. That taught me that there is life after MM. So, I do know that. However, I spent 8 mo. of weekends spending time with BF (because of distance, we didn't see each other during the week). I got caught up in doing all the hiking and going out and it was very liberating. So I think I'm not so much about comparing other men with exMM and even exBF. Perhaps if I met some of these few guys I'm talking to, I'd feel better and who knows? Maybe there'd be a spark. But I can also agree that I need time to regroup. I need to refocus on my house. I'm starting to do things around here that have needed doing (as long as they don't cost anything). Simple maintenance. Maybe its just good for me to be on my own for awhile and not try to escape my reality with other men. Then again, I know from past experience that I will fall into a rut, sitting at this keyboard, staring at the TV, not going anywhere, not doing anything. I guess I'm in my own little limbo with no answers. And yes, I would certainly like to speed up the process of the future so I knew what the heck was going to happen with me. But then again, don't we all.
RealityCheck Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 So so so sooooooo off-thread & unimportant, but ever notice that when the adjective "torrid", is used, the word "affair" usually follows. Don't mind me....woke up in a starnge mood. Back to our regularly scheduled thread. No problem... Well given the rollar coaster ride of emotions in an A, "torrid" is an appropriate word. Certainly isn't nice, tranquil, complete, refreshing or anything else that would decribe "balanced".
CantCutitOff Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 MO - I can completely relate to the "want/don't want, like it/hate it" from day to day that you're describing. I think it mine is a transition phase... Like Zara said (I think?), I think maybe I have codependency issues; I hadn't ever really been "alone" until the period right before I started getting closer to the MM (a 3.5 year relationship + a 5 year relationship... and I'm not even 25 yet). Now that I'm trying to get over the mixed emotions stirred by my relationship w/ MM... I can't decide what I want out of men or life in general. Sometimes I'm totally comfortable with that, sometimes it scares the hell out of me. So I definitely think it's normal. I actually started going to a counselor & have found it to be TREMENDOUSLY helpful for helping me sort these things out. I know that doesn't work for everyone... but it could be an option if you've never tried it. And I saw that "no one to go with" as a reason for not taking trips -- I'm a HUGE advocate of picking up & going somewhere new/fun by yourself... no one else to dictate the travel itinerary & you can pace yourself! (and on a complete aside, I agree RC/BI -- "torrid" is def. appropriate for an affair)
Author movinon05 Posted May 30, 2006 Author Posted May 30, 2006 Oh, I've been to a number of counselor/therapists before during and after my D and A. I don't necessarily think this warrants a therapist. And since 1999, I've been going places or concerts by myself if I feel like it. Its just not the same. So I usually don't bother. I want to share that stuff with someone. I do love going somewhere and then staying at a hotel and pampering myself. That wouldn't bother me so much if I could afford to do it. But I can't. I have a feeling I'm gonna be back doing stuff all by myself again now that I'm free again and in this "transitional state". I won't mind it for now. I just don't want it to be forever, that's all.
RealityCheck Posted May 30, 2006 Posted May 30, 2006 Oh, I've been to a number of counselor/therapists before during and after my D and A. I don't necessarily think this warrants a therapist. And since 1999, I've been going places or concerts by myself if I feel like it. Its just not the same. So I usually don't bother. I want to share that stuff with someone. I do love going somewhere and then staying at a hotel and pampering myself. That wouldn't bother me so much if I could afford to do it. But I can't. I have a feeling I'm gonna be back doing stuff all by myself again now that I'm free again and in this "transitional state". I won't mind it for now. I just don't want it to be forever, that's all. *Sigh* Yes, money certainly would lesson the bordem, that for sure! I hear you on this level MO
Guest Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 What you are going though is actually quite normal. I felt like that after I broke off with my boyfriend whom I lived with for 5 years. I did the serial dating thing and went out on tons of dates and then I would flip flop back and forth (just as you are) from wanting to be alone and wanting contact with a guy. Then one day it hit me that what I needed was simply to rediscover myself. I think you need to do that and it seems like you already are. I met my last boyfriend and we were together for a year and I am recently single again. I could not feel better, I date when I want to and am alone when I feel like it. It is aboslutely natural to feel the exrtremes, seems like you are doing just fine in that you listen to what you feel like and you go for it. When your heart opens up again to be serious about wanting a boyfriend again you will know. So ride it out and don't think about it too much and enjoy the day even when nothing appeals to you. I love being single and I have learned to see it as the snacks in between the main meals, if you choose your snacks wisely it will hit the spot and not spoil your appetite for dinner. Not to mention "snacks", if chosen correctly, can be healthy and quite satisfying.
sarme Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 Hello! What you are going though is actually quite normal. I felt like that after I broke off with my boyfriend whom I lived with for 5 years. I did the serial dating thing and went out on tons of dates and then I would flip flop back and forth (just as you are) from wanting to be alone and wanting contact with a guy. Then one day it hit me that what I needed was simply to rediscover myself. I think you need to do that and it seems like you already are. I met my last boyfriend and we were together for a year and I am recently single again. I could not feel better, I date when I want to and am alone when I feel like it. It is aboslutely natural to feel the exrtremes, seems like you are doing just fine in that you listen to what you feel like and you go for it. When your heart opens up again to be serious about wanting a boyfriend again you will know. So ride it out and don't think about it too much and enjoy the day even when nothing appeals to you. I love being single and I have learned to see it as the snacks in between the main meals, if you choose your snacks wisely it will hit the spot and not spoil your appetite for dinner. Not to mention "snacks", if chosen correctly, can be healthy and quite satisfying.
Author movinon05 Posted May 31, 2006 Author Posted May 31, 2006 Not to mention "snacks", if chosen correctly, can be healthy and quite satisfying. Well I certainly can't argue with that one!!! lol!
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