eyeswideshut Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Well, this is what he said today: they are fighting like hell the only reason he went back was for financial reasons, and family reasons: his brother passed away, and everyone was all over the place he feels like she pressured him into marrying him, and he gave in because everyone gave their approval, and he thought it was the right thing he can't sleep since I've broken it off he wants to talk to me all the time
babydoll_mimi Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 It's funny how easy I'm able to spot bulls*** in the lines of y'alls stories, yet, even as I type my own, I still believe it all 100%...maybe this is because although things seem like bulls***, they might actually be the truth. It's hard for any of us to tell you that he's lying, or if he wanted to leave he would... The truth is, if he was that unhappy, yes he COULD leave, but is he strong enough to? Love for his wife doesn't have to be only reason he's sticking around...it could be out of habit, or him being too lazy/ not strong willed enough to have the courage to start over financially, etc....the list goes on and on, and we're here for you, but ultimately, it's gonna have to be up to you to end this "relationship" with your MM...whether that's now or in ten years. I only say this b/c if you put yourself in his shoes...would you want to give you up? Not likely...right now he's got the best of both worlds, and if ever want to move on, you're probably going to have to end it yourself. I'm still in contact w/ my MM, so I'm not one to talk, but I'm kinda passing along advice that was given to me. Of course, all of our situations are a little different... I haven't had sex w/ my MM since he moved back in w/ her mostly because we're afraid to get caught, but we still talk to eachother and sneak in public appearances now and then... He asked me if I'd be able to go to the Valley this coming Wednesday b/c he and a business partner w/ be there for work, and they're only gonna be there for the day, but it'd be the perfect chance for us to see eachother again...I don't know what to do. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, so I hope my advice helps a little.
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Bottom line. If he loves you enough, he'll end his marriage and BE with you now. His actions are not showing this. Sorry, but he's being selfish and is only thinking of HIS needs...What HE wants.
RealityCheck Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 It's funny how easy I'm able to spot bulls*** in the lines of y'alls stories, yet, even as I type my own, I still believe it all 100%...maybe this is because although things seem like bulls***, they might actually be the truth. It's hard for any of us to tell you that he's lying, or if he wanted to leave he would... The truth is, if he was that unhappy, yes he COULD leave, but is he strong enough to? Love for his wife doesn't have to be only reason he's sticking around...it could be out of habit, or him being too lazy/ not strong willed enough to have the courage to start over financially, etc....the list goes on and on, and we're here for you, but ultimately, it's gonna have to be up to you to end this "relationship" with your MM...whether that's now or in ten years. I only say this b/c if you put yourself in his shoes...would you want to give you up? Not likely...right now he's got the best of both worlds, and if ever want to move on, you're probably going to have to end it yourself. I'm still in contact w/ my MM, so I'm not one to talk, but I'm kinda passing along advice that was given to me. Of course, all of our situations are a little different... I haven't had sex w/ my MM since he moved back in w/ her mostly because we're afraid to get caught, but we still talk to eachother and sneak in public appearances now and then... He asked me if I'd be able to go to the Valley this coming Wednesday b/c he and a business partner w/ be there for work, and they're only gonna be there for the day, but it'd be the perfect chance for us to see eachother again...I don't know what to do. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, so I hope my advice helps a little. I tend to agree with you in a sense that I don't believe with every MM they are bulls***ting! I do believe their feelings are real! But you are right, with the best of both worlds and it will ultimately be the OW that will have to take the stand...*sigh*
Author eyeswideshut Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 I was sleeping just now, and then I woke up. You are RIGHT. I was thinking. Ok, I'm a goddess right? (well, of course, we all are goddesses) So. What a freaking risk he is taking to let me go for only one day! I mean what if someone else would want me this minute? But seriously. Thanks. I need to think, and all your posts are helping me. Enough about thinking of his needs. He said it was easier to go back to her. But probably the fact that I was holding his hand and kissing him and supporting him and telling him I understand made him see I would always be there for him and all he has to do is take his own sweet time. He even said, when he told me in March that he was going back to her: "eventually we might be together, if things don't work out with her. And you wouldn't even date me if I hadn't gone back to give it a fair shot (the mariage couseling) would you? I mean you wouldn't want to date a quitter? For once in my life I want to stop escaping something. because I've always taken the easy route before." I saw this as admirable at the time. But now, I think I would have been better off doing the NC thing from then on. Because as I see it now, he's fighting with her, and a bit afraid to lose me, but not that afraid because I'm too nice and understanding. isn't it Sami who said her MM was closer to leaving his wife 2 years ago, and she enabled him to stay in his marriage by being there for him? GOD. What i wouldn't do without the wisdom of your posts. He is just calling not because he can't live without me, but because he wants to make sure Im still around. Well, guess what. the fated June is coming 'round. and I am going to need all of you girls to tell me every trap the MM sets. and i will try to just avoid them all. Thanks to you all..
Author eyeswideshut Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 Babydoll, are you going to see him this Wednesday? Why don't you lie to him? Why don't you pretend like you're not sure, and then say you were sick? You know, just a little lie. to get to him. I am so frustrated at "other people's MM" but I should be frustrated at my own. WWIU, my best friend told me that by September, she predicts he will be divorcing according to the story I've been telling her since March. but you say he would have to leave her NOW if he really loves me. NOW is the key word right? Yeah. NOW!!!!!!! :mad:
Jessie61 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Well, this is what he said today: they are fighting like hell the only reason he went back was for financial reasons, and family reasons: his brother passed away, and everyone was all over the place he feels like she pressured him into marrying him, and he gave in because everyone gave their approval, and he thought it was the right thing he can't sleep since I've broken it off he wants to talk to me all the time EWS, You are doing it again!!! Analysing and analysing and analysing..... Remember that I said something about it before...? That it will probably get you nowhere, except confused....??? Remember..? And you said "yes, that you might be doing it alright..." Unless all of us become mind readers, we will never REALLY know what a person means when he/she says something. So, will you try and stop. I am worried that you will make yourself sick if you don't!!!! My other suggestion is that you concentrate on what he DOES, not what he says....
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Many say, that if a man truly loves a woman, he'll move heaven and earth to be with her - NO matter what. But, then again...Having a MM leave his wife for another woman kind of doesn't start the relationship off on a good start because it's involving hurting others. Not saying that those relationships will or won't workout, it just starts off the wrong way. Just don't wait for this guy for too long. Promises are words filled with nothing - His actions will speak loudly. Remember that too.
Author eyeswideshut Posted May 29, 2006 Author Posted May 29, 2006 the more i write the more i want to give myself some advice. Thanks girls for being so patient with me. And i'm not even crying about any of this. I'm still on cloud 9 every time he tells me bad stuff about her!!! Anyway. This week June is coming. So I've got my plans.... I will try to stop analysing things and try to do NC for at least the next 10 days. Jessie. I'll be in France this summer. Basically, staying in London for a week, then heading for Marseille for two weeks of R&R. (living with my sister's husbands' brother, who has taken a week off to take me around). I do want to do the whole Paris bit, but may not have the time. However, I would just LOVE to meet up with you for a coffee somewhere. what do you think? by then I'll be over him I promise!!!
babydoll_mimi Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 As much as I would love to, I really can't because I start summer school on Tuesday, don't get out till noon, and the place he wants me to meet him at is about 2.5 hrs away...so I don't really see the point. Plus I'd have to bribe a friend to drive up there w/ me as long as I paid gas...which isn't a problem b/c i know that he'd pay for our gas...but I think right now he needs to tough it out a little. It seems mean, but maybe I'll get his hopes up like he had mine last week. ON friday, I was supposed to meet him so Icould give him the cd he asked me to make him. I was busy and said I'd be at home in 30 mins to pickup the cd and meet him somewhere. He said ok and he'd call in 30 or so minutes, and he never did. I couldn't call b/c he was out of the office by then, and I can't call his cell anymore. And he won't be back in the office till Tuesday b/c of the holiday. I guess this will serve him right...
Sami_D Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 isn't it Sami who said her MM was closer to leaving his wife 2 years ago, and she enabled him to stay in his marriage by being there for him? Yes, that was me. THAT was what MM told me. That's why he suggested we try NC again. He's always been pretty honest about how he feels, what he feels he can do. Like yesterday, when I got that email from him and you all said HOW SHORT! it was. Well... a tiny bit of me thought... MM, you could have put in a lot of stuff about how you're working on it, and how much you miss me and so on BUT... ... I'd really rather he was him. He'd never do that, never beg or manipulate or make any excuses. I don't see his 'letting me go' (if that is how it has to be) as he doesn't love me or doesn't want me. I know he's cut up into little pieces about this, he doesn't need to tell me. I see it as he respects me and cares about me and doesn't want to feed me any BS. THAT is why I love HIM.
Iwanttohope Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Sami. D. somehow I've missed the thread...he emailed you....what happened?
movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Sami. D. somehow I've missed the thread...he emailed you....what happened? Start with pg 25 - What are you doing to go on!
Iwanttohope Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Thanks MO...I found it... if you blink on this site you've missed something! I need to keep up!
Sami_D Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Sami. D. somehow I've missed the thread...he emailed you....what happened? I emailed him to ask if he was still on track to leave. He replied. As MO said, it's on the 'What are you doing... ' thread.
movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Thanks MO...I found it... if you blink on this site you've missed something! I need to keep up! Yes, keep up girl!! when there's a flurry of activity, you miss a lot! Fingers fly!! lol!
RealityCheck Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I have recieved 3 emails from my MM in one day. Each one of them always talked about the day to day battles with his W. In between him explaining his situation at home, there was always a line about how good I make him feel. At the end of each email, he always ended with "Love" or "Loving you". I realize he has very strong feelings for me, but I am also aware of how much he wants his marriage to work out. He is clinging to the hope that his marriage will get back to where it used to be. He has always admitted that this is what he wants more than anything. He never lied to me in the beginning or till this day about that. Our relationship began for one reason, to bring passion into both of our lives. Well we certainly established that! He has never asked me to wait for him or not date anyone while he was still married. In other words, he never did string me along to believe that he would leave his marriage for me and I never wanted him to either. So through the Affair I always remained living my life and keeping my options available. When we were able to get together, it was awesome. I will admit, my feelings are strong for him and I did fall hard and fast, but so did he! We both know this, but it never changed what we both were in the affair for. So in my situation, I really can't say that I was thrown any great expectations of him leaving his W for me. Does this bother me, no! The only thing that bothers me is that in the interim of him trying to work things out in his marriage, is not seeing him as much as I would like to simply because I miss him. ALOT! Also whenever his W pulls one of her "moods" where days get really bad at home for him, he wants to see me. I guess I'm like that "satisfaction drug", again so is he to me. I have come to realize that though our feelings are very strong for each other, we are completely using each other for our own selfish reasons. I don't want "committment" and he is working on his "marriage" and when we are together its fantastic. I went NC initially because I was falling to hard and fast and really needed to step back and sort everything out that I was feeling. He went NC because he was not able to concentrate whole heartedly in his marriage with being consumed with thoughts of me. So through my experience to date, my A has taken many different phases and now I am in another phase where he is looking for advice on how to deal with issues in his marriage. Does that bother me? No! Not at all! Because I am dating and not putting my life on hold for him. I really am not loosing anything.
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