Guest Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Let me begin by thanking each and every one of you for your courage to be so honest and so open and so raw. I went through a divorce three years ago and there were days where I would sit and read this board for hours. Thank you all, you really saved my sanity through that time. Older? Wiser? One would think. I'm so mad right now that I feel like I'm just going to scream! My first "crush" after my divorce began about a year ago. I really liked this person, really enjoyed the fact that I could again respond to someone, that I had healed and gone through my life transition and came out on the other side. Long story short, we'd been seeing each other off and on...he is the one with a lot of drama that kept him busy. For example, an ex-girlfriend/mother of one of his children needed a place to stay and moved in with him for four months over the winter. Oh geez, even as I read that I'm thinking....why didn't I run? I'm too old for this crap. But oh no...she moved out, he called me a week later and we were back on. He's funny, handsome, and the sex is great. That's it. Those are the incredients to a fling, yet part of me had always hoped it could become more at some point. As I said, I enjoyed the fact that I was responding to someone after my divorce. It was great to discover that the machine still worked, not just physical, but emotional. That I could still feel giddy. I found out this past week that he's in a relationship. I don't know with whom, I didn't ask, and I don't need to know. I just know that it's not with me. I'm so angry! I feel humiliated and used. I told him that we won't be seeing each other anymore. He cheated on her, with me. I was the other woman. I know I should be grateful that he and I didn't work out at any point alone the way, as I'd hoped we might, because he cheats on his girlfriends obviously. I just found this out, so the anger has to run its course and it will. I find I do better if I stay busy. But we live in the same apartment complex. I could move, and if this doesn't run its course, I will. I love my home though, love it. I don't want to move. I want him to move. LOL. I guess this is what they mean when they say "don't s*** where you eat", huh? Thank you so much for reading this rambling. I'm so enraged right now, and I didn't know where else to turn and without knowing it, you have all been here for me along the way. Regards, C.
Walking away Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 All I can say is... Good riddance. It sucks being the OW, ESPECIALLY when you didn't know you were. I've been there, done that. It is like he took your options away from you. Had you known he was with another, I am sure you probably wouldn't have gotten involved. I know that I wouldn't have. But, that is water under the bridge now. Pick up the pieces, work through the anger, and move on away from him. He isn't worth your energy. Rage all you want with us. We are here.
RecordProducer Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Hi C! Your anger arises from your hurt feelings. It's normal, but not logically justified. I can't change your feelings, but I can try to change your mindset. They say that you have to have a transitional person after a divorce or a big break-up. This guy that has been totally un-serious was your transitional man. You used him too. he helped you get over your ex so you should be grateful to your destiny that it brought him in your life to teach you how to love again. You don't have the solid ground for loving him so it's not true love. Only your vanity is hurt, but your heart is not really broken. Even if you're really in love with him, you'll get over. Try not to communicate with him. You probably won't even see him much in the future. Disappointments are always hard, but - as Tony from LS said - they are an important part of life, because if nothing ever stops, nothing new will happen. You don't really want him around for the rest of your life, do you? Look at this as a new beginning for you. you got over your ex-husband and that was much harder. You'll get over this guy too.
Sami_D Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I can understand why you feel hurt, even though this wasn't love exactly. That is imho, irrelevant. I think it's because for the first time since your D you had found someone you could respond to (as you put it), and you opened up to them, and they turned out to be untrustworthy and a liar. You can work through this. I had a terrible time trusting anyone after I'd been involved with an abusive man. Not every man out there is going to be like this... you just have to start using your radar... and know that sometimes it's going to be off, and you will make mistakes. We all do. Vent and rant away... we're here for you.
movinon05 Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 I found out this past week that he's in a relationship. I don't know with whom, I didn't ask, and I don't need to know. I just know that it's not with me. I'm so angry! I feel humiliated and used. I told him that we won't be seeing each other anymore. He cheated on her, with me. I was the other woman. You have now found out all you need to know. Be angry and stay angry at him til you just don't care anymore. Be thankful you're finding these things out about him now. You're right, you don't need this crap. And don't let this one bad experience stop you from going on and living your life. You have a whole new start after your divorce. Like the others said, be on guard for his type.
Guest Posted May 29, 2006 Posted May 29, 2006 Hi C! Your anger arises from your hurt feelings. It's normal, but not logically justified. I can't change your feelings, but I can try to change your mindset. They say that you have to have a transitional person after a divorce or a big break-up. This guy that has been totally un-serious was your transitional man. You used him too. he helped you get over your ex so you should be grateful to your destiny that it brought him in your life to teach you how to love again. You don't have the solid ground for loving him so it's not true love. Only your vanity is hurt, but your heart is not really broken. Even if you're really in love with him, you'll get over. Try not to communicate with him. You probably won't even see him much in the future. Disappointments are always hard, but - as Tony from LS said - they are an important part of life, because if nothing ever stops, nothing new will happen. You don't really want him around for the rest of your life, do you? Look at this as a new beginning for you. you got over your ex-husband and that was much harder. You'll get over this guy too. I cannot thank you all for your responses. You get it, you totally get where I'm coming from and articulated this better than I was able to as a result. I did not love him. I didn't even know if I wanted him, I wanted the chance to find out, but the relationship (if you can call it that) had so many bumps and false starts because of everything going on in his life...or so I thought. The truth is, we never had a proper start because we couldn't, he was seeing me on the side. It was all a lie. I would never have seen him if I thought he was in a relationship. He knew that. He's an ass, but he's not stupid. It totally blows my mind as to WHY these cheaters would work so hard to cheat. It's hard work, managing all of these deceptions, and towards what end? What do they get out of it? And there's the risk that it could all blow up in their faces at any moment, how could it be worth it? I played with a gutter rat, only I had no idea that I was. And I consider it true Divine Protection that 1) he and I never had a real relationship, and 2) that I saw him for what he really is. And that I love myself too much to be involved in such a toxic, dead end, tragic situation. Once I found out, I removed myself immediately. You are so right on when you said it was my vanity, not my heart, that took the bruising. My ego took a blow. Part of me wondered why he didn't want to have his primary relationship be with me, yet a greater part of me is beyond grateful that he didn't. It would be much harder to be the girlfriend and be cheated on. I'm really going to let go of this. He's not worth the energy it would take to even give him a thought, let alone maintain a level of anger. However, I can say this to you guys, I really wish him pain and misery. I wish I was evolved enough to take the high road, to genuinely wish him well and not look back - and who knows, maybe I'll get there. It's just not today. He's a loser. He's 43 years old. Doesn't work, and doesn't want to work - he told me so, he had an interview for a promising position and said "he'd rather do contract work, freelance once and while" but doesn't want to work full time. He has two children by two different women, he's raising one because his ex-wife is in jail. Smells of weed everytime I see him. He changes his myspace profile everyday - y'know, while the rest of us are at real jobs and not online. 43 years old, on myspace? I don't know anything about that site, but I thought it was for kids. However...what the heck was I thinking? I should've run at the beginning. You know what sucked me in...God help me, he's handsome. Did anyone ever see that Seinfeld where Elaine dated the Mimbo just because he's good looking? So, knowing this reality about myself (in this situation) I can laugh and move on and say good riddance. I'm a professional woman, with many and varied interests. I'm a grown up, with so much going for me. Part of what has my gall is from my own arrogance, I thought "he should be grateful that someone like me would even be interested in someone like him". Anyway, you guys rock! Thank you again for listening. Chelsea St. Paul, MN
RecordProducer Posted May 31, 2006 Posted May 31, 2006 It totally blows my mind as to WHY these cheaters would work so hard to cheat. It's hard work, managing all of these deceptions, and towards what end? What do they get out of it?9/quote] Hmmm... all cheaters, liars, and pretenders live that way because they have no choice. If they showed their true colors, everyone would run away from them as their personalities suck. We all see ourselves from the inside and sometimes we don't like what we see. Being ashamed of yourself is the worst feeling ever; it's worse than people not accepting you for who you are. Sp they pretend and people start accepting them for who they are NOT. It hurts them even more. So they start despising you for being better than them, for not having the need to pretend and cheat. And that's when they feel that all the harm they cause you is justified - because they can't forgive you that you're better than them. I really wish him pain and misery. I wish I was evolved enough to take the high road, to genuinely wish him well and not look back - and who knows, maybe I'll get there. It's just not today. We've all been there or at least I have been. I wished my ex-husband to lose his nice job. And he did! But by the time he lost it, I was totaly over him and actually felt sorry for him. Now I am so much happier than him. I re-married a great husband who loves me and my kids and I can only be grateful to my ex that he dumped me. But my ex is not really happy. He's a total loser. However...what the heck was I thinking? I should've run at the beginning. Well retrospectively all fools are smart! We can all look back and say "Gosh, what a fool I was!" But they all played a certain role in our lives that was necessary at the moment. If only good things happened to you, you would never learn anything, and things would be constant. But things can't be always good so be happy that you gained something from this experience and didn't get stuck in it for years, with children. Part of what has my gall is from my own arrogance, I thought "he should be grateful that someone like me would even be interested in someone like him". Heheh, I was much better than my ex-husband in every sense and I also couldn't conceive how come I appreciated him, but he didn't appreciate me. The thing is: these losers don't like it when someone is better than them. They don't have the equipment to be compatible with your qualities or even measure them properly. What you might think is good manners and culture, they will see as snobism and arrogance; what you might see as intellectual thirst, they might see as an annoying pretension to show them how smart you are. Their needs and desires are different from yours. And finally what's normal for you is weird for them and vice versa. He's a petty, little crawling creature wrapped up in a shiny shell that you need to leave behind. Move on. Don't wish him anything bad, he isn't worth your thoughts and energy. You can only feel sorry for him. He is a victim of his own faults.
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