family hates him! how can i change their minds?

[Lauren83]

I'm a college student who spent last semester studying abroad in France. My boyfriend, Sam, and I decided to stick it out last semester and do the long distance thing, because we both truly love each other. We definitely have our differences - he's a bowhunter, I'm a vegetarian; I love classic rock, he's into rap; his style is more preppie, mine is more hippie...but we've been able to find common interests and really enjoy each other's company.

 

When I went away, I started a Xanga for my family to read, so they would know what I was doing while away. Sam came to visit me during his spring break and we traveled to Paris together. My parents got along with him just fine at this point. He stayed with me for a week during Christmas break, and even met my extended family. They all liked him. My parents picked him up at the airport when he got back from France and he had dinner at my house and then stayed for a few hours to show them the pictures he had taken and just to chat with them. However, things changed when my mom stumbled across his Xanga and read his re-cap of the events in France. He posted some sarcastic comment about sleeping everywhere, in a bus, train, plane, different hotels, but that was "only topped by not sleeping, if you know what i mean". My mom, who probably has a good idea, but doesn't know for sure that I'm not a virgin, freaked out. She said he was inconsiderate, noted the various swear words in his other posts, and the fact that he had previously posted about a frat party and drinking.

 

This went on for weeks, and she dissected everything he said, criticizing everything. I told him soon after she read the first post that she was reading his Xanga. He didn't get mad. Not half as mad as I was. He even said it was his fault for posting it and that he was truly sorry. He sent an apology e-mail to my mom, and she sent him one back saying only that she would "forgive him, but only because I'm a Christian". Which is basically not forgiving him at all. We wrote it off as her being the way over-protective mom that she is and forgot about it. But she kept insulting him and telling me to break up with him. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I got into a fight with her and she sent me heated e-mails back, every day.

 

I told Sam that it was really stressing me out and that I couldn't sleep at night because of it. She was really being cruel to someone I love, and it really bothered me. After 2-3 weeks of this, he finally posted something on his Xanga about how my mom needed to stop yelling at me because it was stressing me out. Then he commented on how annoying she was being, and that she shouldn't judge him based on a Xanga. He then went on to say "to hell with it. I'm through".

 

My mom was very upset by this post and said it hurt her feelings immensely. She took it as him telling her to "go to hell", which is clearly not what he meant at all. He tried to call her and apologize in "person", but she wouldn't answer her phone or return her messages. Now, she says she doesn't want anything to do with him, and that he's never welcome at my house again. She also drug my entire family into it, and they're ganging up on my about this situation. Sam knows he screwed up royally. He lost his temper. His Xanga was a place where he usually vented. It wasn't the wisest idea for him to just unleash everything online, but you don't think when you're angry. My mom also claimed that if I didn't break up with him, I just didn't love her anymore. She basically tried to force me to choose between them. It was rediculous. All of my friends agree with me. I just don't know how to proceed. Sam is willing to meet with her to discuss the situation, talk on the phone, whatever, but she won't do it.

 

Basically, I need help. I really care about Sam. I know that it is not his true character to act this way. We were both stressed, we had just gotten in the biggest fight of our relationship, and it was finals week. On top of that, we had been apart for nearly 4 months and it was incredibly hard! I want my family to accept him again, because family is extremely important to us both. Do you guys have any suggestions for me and for him? I desperately need help!! Thanks in advance!!

[HokeyReligions]

Sam sounds like a great guy to me. A lot of guys would just blow-off the whole relationship and not put themselves in the line of fire by attempting to make contact and apologies to the girls parents.

 

Different generations. Your parents are applying their standards and morals to him, just as they raised you. It's hard - durn near impossible sometimes - for a parent to understand and accept that their children's love-interests may have a different set of standards.

 

Right or wrong, Sam went to a lot of emotional effort to try and make things right for you and your parents. Hang on to him! Give your parents time to cool off and come to grips with the fact that their baby is grown up. You can reassure them somewhat by telling them that they raised you right, and you are happy, but you also need to make your own decisions and that you know that life has some pain in it and they can't protect you from all of it, but you also know they love you and that you can turn to them if and when you need to.

[norajane]

I had over-protective parents as well. At some point in your life, you have to stand up for yourself and make it clear to them that it is your life and you will be living it as you wish. Tell them they've done a great job raising you all these years, so they ought to trust your judgment and not mess in your relationships.

 

This, of course, will feel like a slap in the face to them, and they'll blame your boyfriend for turning you against them.

 

You have to be strong, though, and stand up for yourself and show them you are in control of your life, not them. They love you - they will get over it, eventually, though not without some trauma.

 

Your mom thinks she can break the two of you up, so she's going to keep trying to do that. Eventually, when she sees that she's just damaging your relationship with her while your relationship with your boyfriend stays strong, she will stop.

 

You might want to try limited NC with your mother until she chills out about this. She has to understand that she's hurting you and your relationship with her before she'll stop picking at your boyfriend. He sounds like a very decent guy. Most guys wouldn't deal with the crap your mom is dishing out.

[westernxer]

I agree with your boyfriend... it's his fault for posting a public journal.

 

Bad idea for anybody, considering that employers are reading them as well, searching for reasons to fire or not hire someone.

 

When you meet the other person's family for the first time, you have to realize it's an uphill battle. Why give them ammunition to use against you?

 

Personal blogging is stupid, because people get carried away.

[hyakku]

Your man sounds chill as hell, don't let your parents get in the way.

 

You are a grown woman. HEre is what I would suggest. Go to your parents house ALONE (assuming you don't live with them). Do not bring Sam, that way they can't say he pressured you into doing the following.

 

Sit your mom, dad, family whatever down. And simply tell them the following:

 

"This has gone beyond just me and sam, I'm a grown woman, you've raised me, now its time to let me grow up. If you aren't going to accept htat for now me and sam are going to stick together because we want to, then you are going to have to cope with it in your own way. All I'm doing now is giving you the courtesy to let you know that I'm staying with him. If you want to bitch and moan about it, don't do it here, send me an e - mail or something, I don't have time to deal with this crap, I need to keep on moving with my life, and I'm not going to let an overprotective family keep me back. Maybe he's not right for me, maybe he is, I won't know if I stay in a bubble like you all wish me too. I'm leaving now (say this while getting up and turning), call me if you want to talk about it, if you want to shout and whine, don't call me. Bye."

 

And walk out.

[Amaryste]

I most definitely agree with the previous users; hyakku suggested a great plan, yet I believe it would be best if you tone down the response he/she gave to and speak to your mom at her calmest state. In your own way, try to be as gentle, and considerate as you possibly can, because your parents will always be parenting you for the rest of their lives (probably, as much to your distaste) so it'd be nice if you show them appreciation for their genuine concern.

 

Just to cliffnote what hyakku and everyone else mentioned:

 

If you want to get your point across, clarify the following issues (or do the following actions):

 

- The main focus here should be your mom. If you can convince her, the whole family will definitely follow through.... (she did mange to manipulate their perception of him in the first place!)

 

- Be cool, stay cool - really. It'd help. If you can't as of this moment, wait a while until you can speak to her more generously.

 

- Put yourself in your mom's shoes.

 

- Use a soft tone, and before you start - ask her to avoid interrupting you while you are speaking, and in return you would do the same.

 

- "I am offically an adult and therefore, am responsible for all the choices I make within my life."

 

- "I honestly do appreciate your concern (once you're over this disappointment, I'm sure you'd give her brownie points for at least caring - though you may not for the execution - b/c she loves you and wants her daugther to become the best woman she can be), but I must be able to make my own mistakes and learn from them. Thus, ultimately, through all my life's troubles, they will allow me to flourish as a better and stronger person who will have a greater chance in suceeding in life."

 

- "It is rather one-sided, to make me choose between the love for you, and Sam, because I love you as a parent, and I love Sam as a boyfriend. [Add more here if you wish - since I do not know you well, I can not make any more suggestions]. "

 

- "I will still be dating Sam, not because I have no love you, yet for the reason being he makes me happy [and add all the great things he's done for you]. I do apologize if you can not get along with Sam, but please understand I love him for ther person he is. [insert a list of good qualities here, and do mention that he has his bad ones too - like a normal human being. *ahem*] "

 

- Point out that Sam is a nice person, ( hey, he actually managed to put up with all this bull! ) because he took the time to apologize for any harm he has caused. What more can he do to compensate?

 

- If she's stressed out and most importantly, not riled, you can joke about it. Over exaggerate the possibitilies, to show that she's taking this Xanga buisness too seriously, and allow her come back to her senses - "At least I'm not dating some gangster thug who deals drugs and smokes cocaine, weed and uses women for their bodies. If you want, I'd galdly find someone like that!" - and really laugh.

 

I'm not sure if this whole idea would work for you, but by all means, do adjust it so it suits you. (Believe me, the relationship between my mom and I is often like gasoline and hellfire, so I'd know a thing or two about this.

 

- If the results end up in a rampant chaos, take a break from them. You'd need it.

 

- And lastly, once the emotions have watered down, slowly 'reintroduce' him to your family, and secretly prove to them he's really an awesome guy. I can give you a load of suggestions, but I think you can work it from here. If not, feel free to ask me.