Oh my gawd, you girls were right

[stillhere]

I just talked to my MM today, and we had a long conversation about us. What did he tell me...........that if it wasn't for me, he would have moved out of his house a long time ago!!!!! So not what i wanted him to tell me. I am making it easier for him to stay with her!!!

I told him that if that was the case, I'm going to stop making it easier for him to stay with her. He wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to lose everything, i guess like Karis' man did.

What do i do? I'm not sure i can put myself through NC.

[Sami_D]

This is what my MM told me. That me waiting for him, being sympathetic every time he didn't manage to leave... was preventing him from leaving.

 

He also said that he was closer to leaving her 2 years ago when we met, because back then his life was empty and hollow and loveless... and that I'd made it bearable... than he has been in recent months. OUR being there, for men who are over with their M, is only going to prolong things for them.

 

I don't know whether all MM feel that way (what am I saying... the cake eaters, those who were only looking for something to prop up what they were pretty happy with, and the narcissistic nobs who just wanted more adoration from any and all women evidently don't fit into that category), but mine certainly said that on more than one occasion. And HE asked me to go NC... because he knew how badly I was feeling, how much stress... and he knew, and told me, that while he So Wants to be with me... my being around for him was counter-productive to that.

 

I've been NC with him for over a month. It feels like hell. But I know that this is the only way we'll be together 'properly'... He wants it, I want it.. and surely this is the only way. What else could work?

 

StillHere... if you want to go NC, there are people here who will help you, and stick by you while you do it. Have you also read the threads and posts by OldEurope? They might help you to do what you need to do.

[stillhere]

Sami, this is hell. I give all of you that have gone NC so much credit. I know it's what needs to be done, and i told him that. But i don't think i'm strong enough to do it. He is my world. Not having him in it will kill me. Every day, we fall more in love with each other.

In the beginning, it was "I'm never going to leave" now it's "I don't know what to do, I love you and i want to be with only you, but i'm afraid of everything that i will lose". He doesn't tell me anything that he doesn't mean, and he's always been brutally honest. He doesn't tell me just what i want to hear.

I told him that the only reason i'm still here is because of that hope that he will leave. When i talk to him tomorrow, i'm going to tell him that he needs to figure this out. To just pretend like i'm not in his life, and do what he would do if i wasn't. I can threaten him with NC, but i know i will never follow through with it.

[eyeswideshut]

STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Listen, you have got to do NC, not for him, or the relationship, but for you.

Think of it as "practice" for a breakup.

I mean, what if he never leaves his wife, and ultimately loses interest in you and falls for someone else. I'm not trying to be mean here, these are just things I tell myself when I'm practicing NC.

How will your life be without him, because your life right now, in reality, is "without him" since he's just the "fantasy part" the big secret, you're not a real couple.

When you are too long in a "blurred relationship" it really f***s up your mind as to what's real and what's not.

For a year I was with a "lover" (not my MM) whom I didn't want anyone to know about, because I had just broken it off with my fiance.

I had this double-life. I was sooo happy (or so I thought), no one knew. Everyone was saying how strong I was to just break it off with my fiance and still keep up. No one knew who i was phoning at midnight.

Well, after awhile, I was sooo pissed at myself. I wasn't being true to myself. Or others. I had to go everyone alone. I never had a date on public. Not that it really matters, because I loved the fact that people thought I was single, but after awhile, when you are lying to so many people, including yourself, it just becomes unsatisfying.

Now, I'm in the same situation. With the MM.

But I don't want another year of this. No way.

You only have one life. Live it in the open. Don't be hidden. Love is too beautiful and powerful a force to live it in secrecy. I am chosing to go through the NC. The hurt, the worry, the whatever it takes because there is no way I'm going down that road of hidden secrets again. (its' too destructive to our self-fulfillment, and we are not on this earth to lie to ourselves)

 

It is hard. But f*** it. It's better to have some hardship that is the truth, than a fantasy life that is a total waste and a lie.

 

If you are meant to be, you WILL BE, out in the open.

[Sami_D]

He is my world. Not having him in it will kill me. Every day, we fall more in love with each other.

 

I know how you feel, believe me, I do. I know I won't fall apart and die if MM isn't in my world, but I know that, of all the people I've ever met (and I'm 43) he's the one. We're very much in love, but... I need him to be free. And he wants to be free. Maybe your MM isn't exactly there yet... maybe you (like me, last October, when I went NC for the first time) need to give him more time in the A to sort this out... but. I don't know.

 

Have you read OE's thread: have a look at it, because of all the people in here, this might apply to you as much as me.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=68968

[Iwanttohope]

My xMM told me this on three different occassions...."when we're together it's so much harder to get everything in order to leave because I have the consistancy of seeing you, talking to you, etc." This initiated NC on those occasions and finally the last NC. Its been 25 days for me and he finally made his choice to stick it out with his W. I always told him I was terrified that it would be a situation where if he didn't see me or talk to me he would just stagnate in his marriage....

 

His reply was always "we have to find out if that's true and the only way to do that is to have NC....I don't want to continue to tear your life apart by not leaving this marriage." I knew then and know now that he was right.

 

Do I hope his marriage falls apart? I'd be a liar if I said I didn't. BUT.... not having him to myself was making me a complete and total basketcase not to mention what it did to my parenting ability. I was getting to where I couldn't think rationally or function rationally. The roller coaster was hell.

 

The grief of the loss is a different kind of hell...but still HELL. I tell myself that at least I don't feel the pain of seeing his back as he walks out my door and wondering why he won't stay or hanging up the phone after he tells me how much he loves me and thinking....if that were really true you'd be with me....

 

This entire situation is one of choosing your poison...choosing which pain you can live with. I have to believe that the pain of continuing contact while he makes his final decision is far worse than beginning to heal without him sooner rather than later. It is hell though--absolutely no way around it.

 

I know we can do this though. I've seen this group of consitant women struggle with NC and pulll each other up out of the ditch of despair several times so I know you can do this Stillhere....

 

I wish so much that we could plan a reunion of sorts so that we could all meet! I would love to hug every one of you for sticking this out with me. Wouldln't that be awesome!!!

[stillhere]

I just want to say that you girls are awesome!!! Regardless of what i do (still very much undecided) I know you guys will all be here to give me the support that i need.

You are all right, very right, and i've got to convince my heart that. We have a date tomorrow, i'm going to have to have another heart to heart with him. I need to know where he stands. I don't bring it up much, because i don't always want to know the whole truth, and he will give it to me. If i ask, he'll tell. Like today for instance, i wanted to know who initiated sex, him or his wife. He told me that he did. Not what i wanted to hear. He could have easily said her. That's what i wanted him to say, that it was her, and he knew that. But it wasn't for him, it was to not raise any flags.

Anyways, off that subject, don't want to picture him with her anymore. I'm going to give it a shot. After tomorrow. I need to know exactly where he stands.

Thanks girls...........I needed this pep talk.

[Sami_D]

Hey. Have you read the thread I quoted?

 

If he's initiating sex with her... don't you think he's ok with the whole thing?

 

You have to look at reality here.

[movinon05]

Hey. Have you read the thread I quoted?

 

If he's initiating sex with her... don't you think he's ok with the whole thing?

 

You have to look at reality here.

 

I have to agree with Sami 100%!! I was sick when I read that!! Aren't you? Enough to want to do something about this? I'm sure he loves you, but God!!! I want to physically drag you away from this man, tie a rope around you and not let you go back!! And let you see for yourself that you will survive, you deserve to have a man want YOU and ONLY YOU!!!

[Jessie61]

Hey. Have you read the thread I quoted?

 

If he's initiating sex with her... don't you think he's ok with the whole thing?

 

You have to look at reality here.

 

 

Stillhere,

 

I do think Sami and others are right; you being there for him is enabling him to stay with the W.

 

I also wonder about how close or ready he actually is to leave his W. He told you from the start that he would never leave, now he is saying that he loves you and want to be with you but he still hasn't even said that he is thinking about leaving the W (which still is SOOOOOO vague even if he did say it) and he is still fretting about losing out financially etc etc. And more to the point, he is still initiating sex with the W... (OK, I will give him some credit for being honest because he could easily have lied, but still.... hmmm....)

 

No, I am not saying that he would NEVER leave the W. But I do think that he is far far far from ready to do it anytime soon. I have heard all these deliberations myself for over 2 years, and in my case I had a "head start" in the sense that MM always told me that he WOULD leave if we were right for each other. (And after 2 years I am still only on a promise!)

 

My concern in your case is that you could still be here in a year's time and you are still no closer to ending the A and becoming official. Think about it, could you do it? Knowing for months and months to come that he is still initiating sex with her and perhaps his promises of a future are still so vague and fluffy that you could not hang anything on them etc.... Could you do it?

 

If you think that you couldn't, then the ONLY way to accelerate this process is to actually go NC. Yes, it is the same old broken record over and over again, but it is true. He will only realise what he is missing out on once it is gone. THEN he will be force to take some action....

 

Yes, you do risk losing him forever. BUT if you think that you could NOT remain the OW indefinitively, then isn't it better to find out now rather than going NC and finding out in a year's time?

 

I know this is harsh. It has been harsh for all of us to face the truth, but it has to be faced. Sorry, I am wrong; if a person genuinely doesn't mind being the eternal mistress, then that person doesn't have to face anything... But I don't think you are this person...? You seem sweet and bright and loving etc, so I don't think you are this person.

 

All of this is very harsh, but you have tonnes of people on this site who will support you. It is up to you to decide what you are going to do..... I do wish you all the best!

[Grrlish]

Just standing on the sidelines, learning. Even more reason to stand back and keep distance between me and the guy I have the hots for, since he's unhappy at home. I can totally see how filling that 'void' would enable a guy to stay at home longer.

[movinon05]

Just standing on the sidelines, learning. Even more reason to stand back and keep distance between me and the guy I have the hots for, since he's unhappy at home. I can totally see how filling that 'void' would enable a guy to stay at home longer.

 

Nice to know some of this is hitting home with somebody in your position!

[Sami_D]

Just standing on the sidelines, learning. Even more reason to stand back and keep distance between me and the guy I have the hots for, since he's unhappy at home. I can totally see how filling that 'void' would enable a guy to stay at home longer.

 

Absolutely.

 

Don't fill the spaces... you will find it easy... and then... you will have to grab yourself out of it... into what you should do now... WALK AWAY.

 

If you think you can't do it now... imagine it in a few years.

[stillhere]

Ok girls, i'm going to be stupid and defend him, but he initiates sex once every 2 to 3 months. And that's only because she won't ever initiate it. He's gotta keep up the "you're the only one". That upset me so much to know that. I'm not so naive as to think they never slept together, but i did want to know for sure. There's my sick and twisted thinking.

 

As for me, this is sooooooooooo unlike me. To stick around for a guy like this. I told him that today too. I seriously think he has ruined me for any man that may come after him. He is perfect in every way. I have never found someone like him and i'm afraid i never will. No guy appeals to me. I'm not an ugly girl by any means, and he knows i can have pretty much any guy i want. He's done something to me, something i can't explain.

 

And one of my down falls is that i'm so "sweet", i have a hard time being mean to anyone. When i love, i give my all.

 

And as far as the fact that he's far away from leaving, I think you're right. But i never thought he was that close to leaving before! Today was the first i've heard that from him.

 

I'm so confused. I know you girls are so right, but yet i want to defend him because he's not as bad as i'm making him sound. He's never had an A before, and all this is confusing to him as well. Maybe that's why he's so honest with me. We never meant for our A to come to this. We're both confused. We're both trying to sort this out. He is a strong, independant man. I did something to him too that he can't explain.

 

Yup, we're gonna have a long talk tomorrow. I need to do something. If NC is working for you guys, i might have to try. But i work with him, and there's no way to avoid him. How am i gonna do NC while seeing him every day. Oh my god, i'm not sure about this.

[stillhere]

Sami, i read that thread. She is right in so many ways. I see him in a lot of what she said, but i also so alot of things that he's not. Reality hurts!!! I just keep hoping and thinking that i'm what he needs.

Maybe i am just the good looking, sexy girl that he needs to fill that void. He never said he didn't love his W, but he never told me that he did. I never asked. They are comfortable. And there is where my problem lies. I know it, you guys know it, but i don't want to believe it. If i did walk away, things would go back to being unhappy for him, since i'm not there to fill that void.

But i'm addicted to sex with him too. My hand and toys can't replace him and that feeling of love, and i don't want to find someone else to fix that. *sob* i'm a lost cause.

[movinon05]

Wait a minute. Sorry if I'm not recalling your original situation, but is he saying now he has no plans to leave?

 

He says he would have moved out a long time ago. Very easy to say.

 

But he's initiating sex every 2 to 3 months to dispel any suspicion that might come in her mind? Sorry, I don't buy that!! If he's not leaving, then he can just do it whenever he feels like it and you'll never know. If he says he wants to leave, then why would he worry about raising suspicion in her?

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy! We all have found good in our MMs/exMMs or we wouldn't be so bothered about losing them. This just sounds fishy to me. And honestly, you will never regret NC.

 

I'm gonna try to find your original post!

[stillhere]

No, originally he said he would never leave her. Now he's somewhat thinking about it and told me today that if it wasn't for me, he would have left a long time ago. Yeah, it's easy to say, but that's not him. He would never say something he doesn't mean. That's why i'm so confused.

 

I can truely understand his not wanting to lose everything. He makes 6 figures a year, working part time (well seasonal), and everything he owns is paid for. I wouldn't want to risk all that either. I can't blame him there. I never told him that he shouldn't leave for that reason, but i can understand it. He supports me financially as well. How many of us could say at 40 years old, we own a $250,000 house outright, and vehicles. Not many. He worked his a$$ off to be able to do that, i can't blame him for not wanting to start over.

 

I guess my problem is, i want him to be happy. I want him to make a decision and not regret it. As much as i want him to be my one and only, and i the same for him, i'm trying to rationalize why i'm not good for him. That him leaving would be a mistake for him, and i'm not sure i could live with myself for ruining his life.

[movinon05]

Damn Girl!! If he owns everything outright, what has he got to lose financially except having to pay child support? (And I'm not talking about the kids - I'm talking financial).

 

My exMM has a cabin in the mountains with 12 acres. He was scared to death he would lose it. Then he built a lake on it (for us). Funny, he had the money for that and couldn't wait til we were together.

 

What will happen to you if you go NC and you're in a house that he? owns or both of you or what? Just asking.

[stillhere]

I'm not quite sure what you're asking movinon. I have a house that i owe on. I'm very much sure his W would get their house. The property that his parents left him, 80 acres, is where his house is. Yeah he owns it outright, but he's put his heart and soul into making it what he wanted.

 

You're right, he would be just fine if he walked away. I wonder what he would have done if he would have moved out if i wasn't in the picture? Making notes on things to ask him.

 

His brother invited me to go to a wedding tonight and my MM is going to be there with his W. I can't go. I can't see him pretending to be happy with her. I've met her many times, too akward to be around her. To pretend to be nice, while i'm plotting to steal her man. I can't do it. His brothers friend just called me and said i have to go tonight. I can't tell them that i don't want to go cuz my bf and his W are going to be there. I'm trying to make up excuses. Damn it.

[movinon05]

Wow, so I'm guessing these guys know nothing.

 

Put yourself first. Don't go.

[scarletletter]

I get the same story. How I make his life bearable and without me, he couldn't tolerate anything at home...what are we...idiots??? Yes, I think so!

[stillhere]

My friend knows about him.........they know nothing. They would never guess that me and my MM are together. Anyways, my friend wants to go (they invited her too) she wants to meet my MM, and she wants to go have fun. She's the type that she'll say what she thinks. Not a good combo when she wants to protect me, and he's standing in front of her. She'll say something for sure, and i can't be having that. That would be a major disaster.

 

Now i have to try and ward them off, cuz i have a feeling they'll be showing up at my house to get me if i don't show up at the reception. Crap, this isn't good.

[stillhere]

I get the same story. How I make his life bearable and without me, he couldn't tolerate anything at home...what are we...idiots??? Yes, I think so!

 

To answer that......Yes i am.

[movinon05]

My friend knows about him.........they know nothing. They would never guess that me and my MM are together. Anyways, my friend wants to go (they invited her too) she wants to meet my MM, and she wants to go have fun. She's the type that she'll say what she thinks. Not a good combo when she wants to protect me, and he's standing in front of her. She'll say something for sure, and i can't be having that. That would be a major disaster.

 

Now i have to try and ward them off, cuz i have a feeling they'll be showing up at my house to get me if i don't show up at the reception. Crap, this isn't good.

 

Go out for an ice cream! A walk in the park. Don't take your cell phone. Go shopping. They're not doing this for you in the way they think they are and your girlfriend should know better!

[stillhere]

I think his brother is trying to set me up with his friend, although i'm not exactly sure cuz every time i'm around him, he clams up and barely talks to me. He's had more of a conversation with my 4 year old daughter than me. She adores him.

 

And as far as my girlfriend. She doesn't agree with what i'm doing, and she lets me know that, but she supports me cuz she's my friend. And she's the one who sits here with me while i cry about him. She means well, but she doesn't understand why i'm where i'm at. That's why i turn to you guys. No one understands unless you've been there.