dgiirl Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 So I have this guy friend who I've known for a very long time, almost 13 years now. I met him before my exh, he was part of a group of friends, and I still have this group of friends. About 9 years ago, I moved away to another city, and he's recently moved closer, so we've been hanging out a lot more lately due to us living closer for the time being. In the past, he's hinted a few times that we should date, and I've hinted right back that if we were suppose to date, we'd be dating by now. He's never been very direct to say he likes me, so i cannot really be direct back and say I'm not interested. But I do hint and for a while I thought he picked up the clue. I dont want him to be direct, because i dont want to mess up our friendship. I've known him for 13 years. It's not like I just met the guy and want to be friends. I try not to initiate too much contact with him and try not to have too much emotional conversations with him, but it has happened. I try to keep that balance of friendship and dont overstep it. But it's starting to become exhausting. I'm always watching what I'm saying because I dont want to give him any mixed signals. I always encourage him to talk to other women, and thankfully he does. But I still feel like he's pushing that line sometimes. But he's not direct enough for me to say "No", so I'm really confused on what to do. A few times I think he's going to just come out and say what he wants to say, but then he doesnt and I'm really relieved. blah men suck
Craig Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 But it's starting to become exhausting. Dgiirl, have you and your friend ever had any discussions about the friendship or did the friendship just evolve? If it just evolved then he may be unclear about the ground rules that you are following. Nothing works better than a frank discussion about the friendship and the "ground rules" or expectations. It sounds like you have plans NOT to cross the friendship line BUT he has no plans to cross the friendship line OR has not given the subject any consideration. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=793243post793243 Once both parties have plans not to cross the friendship line then a whole new, closer, even intimate friendship can emerge. Men don't suck, it is men and women's level of communication that sucks. Sometimes. Cheers Craig
Author dgiirl Posted May 27, 2006 Author Posted May 27, 2006 Thanks Craig. You are right, men dont suck... i just dont know how to communicate with them And you are also right, i have plans not to cross the line, and it's unclear what he's thinking. I just dont know how to bring the topic up without offending him because I am not too sure what he's thinking. If he was more direct, then I would in turn. But we're both doing this dance of avoidance and dropping little hints of interest and non interest.
norajane Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 I had a friend like that. I was friends with his brother in college, and met him then. Years later, I went to the brother's wedding, and we met again. We had some things in common so started talking on the phone. We lived in different cities, so we never saw each other, but he kept dropping hints and saying things like, 'we'd be dating if we lived in the same city' and I kept saying things like, 'no, we wouldn't be dating, ever'. Somehow, that wasn't clear enough, and he made a pass at me when we got together for lunch when I happened to be in town on business. Then he got pissed off at me when I stepped away. Then he started telling me I had intimacy issues and god-knows-what, all because I wasn't interested in him. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since. Those kind of guys live a fantasy life in their heads, and nothing gets through to them. It's best to limit contact, but sooner or later, he'll make a pass no matter what you do.
Craig Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Thanks Craig. You are right, men dont suck... i just dont know how to communicate with them And you are also right, i have plans not to cross the line, and it's unclear what he's thinking. I just dont know how to bring the topic up without offending him because I am not too sure what he's thinking. If he was more direct, then I would in turn. But we're both doing this dance of avoidance and dropping little hints of interest and non interest. dgiirl, first I'm sorry for not responding sooner--work and life got in the way. Communication with men is easy, it's kind of like walking...one foot goes in front of the other. Sometimes the guys need a brick on the side of the head to get it so being direct is a good thing when it comes to guys. dgiirl, please, have the talk with him, be direct, open and honest. It may sting him a little but your friendship should become stronger and he will appreciate your willingness to make the first step. Alexandra said something that can apply here as well, it's not about friendships but I think the principles apply to friendships as well. BOUNDARIES. No committed relationship survives the test of time unless both partners were part of a mature, open, negotiation process beforehand where they have expressed and agreed on what is acceptable to them both. Once that is done there is common ground to walk on. Less surprises, more clear discussion matter instead of conflictual situations. Oh, I almost forgot, guys are not mind readers so if you don't say it directly they may not get it.
Yamaha Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Be very direct in telling him how you feel. It will be better in the long run for both of you. Avoidance and dancing around the issue will not work and your relationship will fall apart in the end. He will then have to decide if he can be just friends. It might take some time but if he's not to involved he will probably be able to be your friend. Putting your cards on the table might be uncomfortable but it will clear the air and your friendship will either be stronger or you will become acquaintances in passing.
Author dgiirl Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 He finally said something. And I was direct and honest with him. I didnt give him any cliche speach about how great of a guy he is, and that i'm not ready to date or any of that. Because even if i was ready to date, i dont feel that spark with him. I thought he took it well... until a few days after where he confessed to wanting to kiss me and that he compares every woman he meets to me. I really dont know what to do with all this, and my life is so fricken stressful in other areas that I cant deal with this right now. I've already rejected him, why on earth would he put himself out there again? I asked him if this was serious or just a crush and he said if it was just a crush, he wouldnt have said anything. I dont know what to do. Should I end the friendship? Is there any way we can remain friends and him stop crushing on me? I've known him way too long to just throw the friendship away, but I also care a lot for him and dont want to be around him if it's just going to keep him pining for me and not move on to other women.
tanbark813 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Is there any way we can remain friends and him stop crushing on me? Yeah, I'm sure after 13 years of indirect rejection and 2 instances of direct rejection it will be no problem.
Author dgiirl Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Yeah, I'm sure after 13 years of indirect rejection and 2 instances of direct rejection it will be no problem. lol i could hope cant i?
Bullgator Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I don't know if you can remain friends or not. It sounds like he's harbored romantic feelings about you for a long time, and now he's beginning to express them. It's usually pretty difficult to get the Genie back into the bottle at that point. I suppose it's possible, that with repeated "no's" on your part, he'll retreat back into "friend" mode. But don't be fooled. He may appear to be adjusted to being "friends", but inside it's very likely he'll still be harboring those romantic feelings. Some guys are like that. If you allow this to continue, it may develop into a codependency that will be unhealthy for both of you. If you truly have no romantic feelings for this guy, then you'll be doing him a favor by breaking it off completely. It seems very unlikely that he'll move on until you do. JMHO
tanbark813 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 lol i could hope cant i? As my dad used to say, "Hope in one hand, spit in the other, and see which fills up first."
noclobber Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 He finally said something. And I was direct and honest with him. I didnt give him any cliche speach about how great of a guy he is, and that i'm not ready to date or any of that. Because even if i was ready to date, i dont feel that spark with him. I thought he took it well... until a few days after where he confessed to wanting to kiss me and that he compares every woman he meets to me. I really dont know what to do with all this, and my life is so fricken stressful in other areas that I cant deal with this right now. I've already rejected him, why on earth would he put himself out there again? I asked him if this was serious or just a crush and he said if it was just a crush, he wouldnt have said anything. I dont know what to do. Should I end the friendship? Is there any way we can remain friends and him stop crushing on me? I've known him way too long to just throw the friendship away, but I also care a lot for him and dont want to be around him if it's just going to keep him pining for me and not move on to other women. He is putting himself out there even after the rejection because his feelings are really strong. The ideal thing in this case for both of you is this => Time and Space You need to let go of him for a while. Take a break from the friendship and give him some time to reconcile his feelings. Over time if his feelings reduce in strength then he may get back to you as friends, if not, well the friendship is doomed. As someone that has been in this situation I request you to please give the guy the time and space he needs. When he is backing away please don't go after him or say sentences like "as soon as you knew you weren't going to get physical intimacy from me you are running away.. you are not really my friend". Don't make any judgements just because that person is asking for some space from you. It's really difficult when you get rejected.. Having said that I do hope that you give this guy the time and space he needs from you. Just being curious, why are you not interested in this guy? Is he not physically attractive? Also, you mentioned that you didn't use any cliches while rejecting. So what exactly did you say to him?
Author dgiirl Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Having said that I do hope that you give this guy the time and space he needs from you. I understand exactly what you are saying. He maintains the friendship more than I simply because I dont want to play with his emotions. If he walked away tomorrow, I wont be chasing him saying but we are friends. I will be sad, but I will understand. Just being curious, why are you not interested in this guy? Is he not physically attractive? No, I'm not physically attracted to him. And I've known him for so long, I see him like a brother. Also, you mentioned that you didn't use any cliches while rejecting. So what exactly did you say to him? I was about to start with the cliches, but I stopped myself. He asked me if I would ever consider going on a date with him, and after a really long pensive pause, I simply said no. It was really hard for me to do, but it would have been worse if I said "It's not you, it's me" or some other kind of bs.
noclobber Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I understand exactly what you are saying. He maintains the friendship more than I simply because I dont want to play with his emotions. If he walked away tomorrow, I wont be chasing him saying but we are friends. I will be sad, but I will understand. I was about to start with the cliches, but I stopped myself. He asked me if I would ever consider going on a date with him, and after a really long pensive pause, I simply said no. It was really hard for me to do, but it would have been worse if I said "It's not you, it's me" or some other kind of bs. Great! I really admire you. Wish there were more women like you. Okay I think you really have to put the distance somehow. Just tell him gently that you both need to cool it off for a while and so have to introduce a break in the friendship. He may not like it but its for his own good. It should be a complete NC during the break or atleast contact only via emails, phone calls, or texts.... no meeting in person. Once again I am being curious.. Now you have rejected this guy. Has your image of him gone down? You are saying that you see him like a brother.. does it mean he doesn't have any sexual value in your eyes? If he chooses to end the friendship to what extent would it impact you?
Author dgiirl Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Great! I really admire you. Wish there were more women like you. lol thanks... i think this is what got me into the trouble i'm in Having some integrity and being admired for it. Okay I think you really have to put the distance somehow. Just tell him gently that you both need to cool it off for a while and so have to introduce a break in the friendship. He may not like it but its for his own good. It should be a complete NC during the break or atleast contact only via emails, phone calls, or texts.... no meeting in person. The problem is, this is already the extent of our friendship. He lives in another city and we physically see each other maybe once a month. We IM each other almost daily. I think I'm going to let him control the contacts for the time being. I'm actually going through some other things in my life too, so I will be pretty busy the next few weeks. Once again I am being curious.. Now you have rejected this guy. Has your image of him gone down? You are saying that you see him like a brother.. does it mean he doesn't have any sexual value in your eyes? If he chooses to end the friendship to what extent would it impact you? I wasnt surprised by his interest. He's been hinting around for a few months now, so I didnt have that feeling of our friendship being a ruse to get closer to me. So no, my image of him hasnt gone down, yet. But if he keeps putting me in a position to reject him, i might. I see him like a brother because I'm not phsyically attracted to him. Not much more I can elaborate on. You know when you meet someone and you get that spark? Well, I dont with him, and you cant fake or create that.
Author dgiirl Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Oh and to answer your other question, if he choose to end the friendship, I will be sad. He's a very close male friend and has helped me a lot. It will definitely impact me. This already HAS impacted me. I feel like crap. But I understand if he ends it. He cant help his feelings any more than I can help mine. The problem is, he probably wont end it. He has this bad habit of being friends with ex's, so I doubt he'll end it with me. I dont want to give him the impression that I'm pissed off either by implementing NC but I also dont want to torture him by insisting friendship.
Craig Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 I think the time and space thing will be good for both of you. I'd say let him know again that you see him as a brother and value his friendship but if it will be too hard for him, then you have to go permanent on the NC. Ask for a month off of the friendship, no contact, for him to be able to decide what he wants to do. Tell him you are most likely going to date again in the future but it isn't going to be with him, he has to be ready for you to have a love life without him as the love interest, or a friendship will not work. The decision is then his to make, the time gives you and him space to think and ponder, then at the end of a month things should be much clearer for both of you. Craig
BentSpine Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I see him like a brother because I'm not phsyically attracted to him. Not much more I can elaborate on. You know when you meet someone and you get that spark? Well, I dont with him, and you cant fake or create that. For many months I tried to become sexually interested in a particular woman whose character I liked but who physically turned me off. Eventually her good character changed my perception of beauty and made me think she looked good.
SmoochieFace Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 If I was in the friend's shoes I'd end the friendship with absolutely no regrets. There would be no middle ground if intense feelings were involved. Either it happens or it doesn't.
Author dgiirl Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 If I was in the friend's shoes I'd end the friendship with absolutely no regrets. There would be no middle ground if intense feelings were involved. Either it happens or it doesn't. See, I could accept that. I wouldnt like it, but could accept it. It's atleast better than what's going on right now. He seems to be having this need to talk about the issue. I just want to ignore the whole thing and pretend it never happened. He feels awkward right now. But him trying to talk about it is starting to make ME feel ackward. How can I tell him to just drop the issue?
SmoochieFace Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 See, I could accept that. I wouldnt like it, but could accept it. It's atleast better than what's going on right now. He seems to be having this need to talk about the issue. I just want to ignore the whole thing and pretend it never happened. He feels awkward right now. But him trying to talk about it is starting to make ME feel ackward. How can I tell him to just drop the issue? You have to just tell him. IMO, there are no *hows*... you just do it. Sure, he may feel *bad* about it but what can you do? If he is hurt that is his issue not yours. You cannot assume responsibility for his feelings - only yours.
Author dgiirl Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 So I responded to his email, telling him he has to drop this issue because the more he bring's it up, the more uncomfortable I'm becoming. He responded rather short, saying he'll never bring it up again. Now I have a feeling he's ignoring/avoiding me. I think I'm just going to let him be for the moment, especially since I have a whole lot of other stressful things happening in my life at the moment. I'm going to try to not feel guilty. I've given him plenty of hints, and he even acknowledges he knew I was hinting but he still needed to tell me. C'est la vie.
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