axsst10 Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 Background info: I'm 22, I have only had one serious girlfriend (for 4 months) before this relationship. I'm a junior in college.She is 18, senior in highschool, going off to college (an hour away)I have been dating her for 3 1/2 months nowWe used to work together as cashiers, we ended up meeting up again and eventually went out on a few dates and ended up as a couple. We've been having sex since relatively early in the relationship, less than a month in. I considered her a good change from the previous few girls I had dated, as they all seemed to be very untrustworthy and immature. She said "I love you" to me after about two months. I didn't know what to say when she told me, I didn't know if I loved her yet or not and I was honestly surprised that it came up so soon. She was really upset that I didn't say it back right away. I ended up thinking about it a lot that night and decided that I did love her. I told her that the next day and ever since, she has said I love you to me multiple times a day and I have said it back. Everything was going fairly well aside from a few things: She thinks that if two people truly love eachother that they should want to be with them every possible moment of the day. She is insulted when I would rather have a night to myself instead of doing something with her.Number 2 is a big one. We have almost no similar interests. We hate each other's taste in music, books, movies, clothes, ideas (religion), almost everything.Well it has been almost four months now and I am starting to come to a hard realization: I don't love her. I tried to tell myself that I did. I wanted the relationship to work. I think I was probabily lonely and needed someone after a bad breakup in my last relationship. I thought "things are good now" and that I shouldn't complain. All of her "imperfections" are becoming more and more blatantly obvious to me each day now. She is horribly immature. She is bratty, needy, extremely high maintainance. She is manipulative, rude. Honestly, most of the time I can't stand her. But then when we get into a fight and she sheds away all that bulls*** and is vulnerable and saying she loves me and she doesnt want to lose me, and asks if I am thinking about breaking up, I can't do it. I can't tell her I don't want to be with her anymore. I am fully aware that I shouldn't have said I love you to her if I wasn't 100% sure of it. I guess that is something you sometimes have to learn the hard way by experiencing it. I feel terrible about this. I don't want her to hate me. In my other serious relationship it was almost exactly like the roles were reversed. I was in love with the girl, at least I thought I was as an inexperienced 20 year old who'd lost his virginity to her. But I was crazy about her and I think she just wanted a break from me and realized that she wasn't that interested. Only for her, instead of telling me this, she made up a big lie about having to move away and us not being able to see each other. When I found the truth out about that, it hurt 100 times worse than if she would have just told how she felt. All I can think about is how the girl i'm with now is going to cry and be so heartbroken if I tell her what my ex couldn't tell me. I know she loves me, or at least thinks she does; just like I did in the last one. I don't want to break her heart and have her say terrible things about me to everyone she knows, but I know that somehow I have to. The longer this relationship goes on, the less i'm going to be able to stand it, the more unhappy I am going to feel, and the more painful it is going to be for her. What should I do?
Sand&Water Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 I don't mean to sound harsh, but there is no light at the end of your tunnel. Do you expect her, over time, to change for the better? Perhaps, later on in the relationship she'll develop a liking of your hobbies and interests? I don't think so. So, Remaining options: (1) *Highly recommended option* Tell her that you no longer, see her as a suitable girlfriend as soon as possible. When, you think, the right time arises talk to her - one on one - and make it clear that you no longer are in love with her. No matter how you word it, her feels will be hurt. Break it off, and move on. Or (2) You can tag along in the relationship, and hope that things get better. However, this will definately lead to a train wreck and into a possible delimma. No definate gain here, only heartache. Either way, you should just try to do what you see as being the 'right thing' to do. Good luck.
Lovegod Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 She thinks that if two people truly love eachother that they should want to be with them every possible moment of the day. She is insulted when I would rather have a night to myself instead of doing something with her. I'm going to tell you that these are only words, and they're based on her emotions. If her attraction toward you should fizzle away, those words become meaningless. Remember that a woman's words are never set in stone. But then when we get into a fight and she sheds away all that bulls*** and is vulnerable and saying she loves me and she doesnt want to lose me, and asks if I am thinking about breaking up, I can't do it. You need to learn that you can't make EVERYBODY happy in this world. You're going to end up "breaking some hearts" so to speak. If you really can't stand her, you'll grab your balls and tell her that it isn't working out for you. Even if she starts crying and ranting about how much she loves you, YOU NEED TO STICK TO YOUR WORD. If you don't, you're going to end up being a miserable son of a bitch. But I was crazy about her and I think she just wanted a break from me and realized that she wasn't that interested. Only for her, instead of telling me this, she made up a big lie about having to move away and us not being able to see each other. I'll tell you EXACTLY what happened with you and your ex. You tried smothering her with attention, and she began feeling suffocated and pulled back. You need to realize that women ARE NOT the most important thing in life, and you can easily live without them. When you truly live by this, you'll be able to keep them attracted to you without chasing them away. You'll also be able to give her the gift of missing you. A man who shows his passion for life will attract women naturally. If you tell her needy s*** like "I can't live without you", "I need you", "I'm hopelessly in love", she's gonna freak out over how obsessed you are. Women want to be loved, but they don't want to be worshipped. All I can think about is how the girl i'm with now is going to cry and be so heartbroken if I tell her what my ex couldn't tell me. It's part of life. Deal with it. She'll get over it.
Author axsst10 Posted May 27, 2006 Author Posted May 27, 2006 Well you've all said pretty much exactly what I felt is the only solution. I need to tell her soon, but what do I say until then when she says I love you? If i don't say it back then that's pretty obvious that that is when we are going to have this talk, regardless of where we are. If I do say it then i'm just lying to her and making it worse.. Oh and Lovegod, I'll tell you EXACTLY what happened with you and your ex. You tried smothering her with attention, and she began feeling suffocated and pulled back. You need to realize that women ARE NOT the most important thing in life, and you can easily live without them. When you truly live by this, you'll be able to keep them attracted to you without chasing them away. You'll also be able to give her the gift of missing you. A man who shows his passion for life will attract women naturally. If you tell her needy s*** like "I can't live without you", "I need you", "I'm hopelessly in love", she's gonna freak out over how obsessed you are. Women want to be loved, but they don't want to be worshipped. I realize that, and I agree that is what happened, I even said it. I was 19 and it was my first real relationship, I learn quickly.
Walk Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 I have heard a few good break up lines in my life. Basically, state the reasons why you feel breaking up would be best for both of you. That the two of you have very different interests and hobbies and also that your outlooks on what a relationship should be are too dissimiliar to continue. Let her know she's a good person, and you want her to be happy in life, but the two of you are too disimiliart to continue a relationship. Firm but gentle. Don't waiver on the breaking up. Let her know you don't think badly of her, you don't have an ill will toward her. That its becaue you are two different people, and that doesn't make either of you a bad person. But it's something you feel can't be worked out, and therefore the both of you should be free to find someone more compatible. Just don't waiver on it. If you start the convo, no matter how it goes, don't back out. Realize she's going to beg and plead, and cry, and probably be pissed as hell after that doesnt' work. She'll probably throw some nasty words your way, try to hurt you. Don't sink to that level. Stand firm, maintain your dignity at all costs. And realize that she'll probably turn into someone you never thought she could be, in the blink of an eye. It seems to me that as soon as the person realizes your serious, and nothing they do will change your mind, then they become vicious and vindictive. Just keep your head, and keep your cool. You'll respect yourself a lot more for it. Don't suggest the two of you can be friends. Don't give her hope that you'll change your mind later. Don't do it in public (unless you think she's going to be psycho), Don't do it over email or phone. Do it in person. Good luck.
Author axsst10 Posted May 27, 2006 Author Posted May 27, 2006 I have heard a few good break up lines in my life. Basically, state the reasons why you feel breaking up would be best for both of you. That the two of you have very different interests and hobbies and also that your outlooks on what a relationship should be are too dissimiliar to continue. Let her know she's a good person, and you want her to be happy in life, but the two of you are too disimiliart to continue a relationship. Firm but gentle. Don't waiver on the breaking up. Let her know you don't think badly of her, you don't have an ill will toward her. That its becaue you are two different people, and that doesn't make either of you a bad person. But it's something you feel can't be worked out, and therefore the both of you should be free to find someone more compatible. Just don't waiver on it. If you start the convo, no matter how it goes, don't back out. Realize she's going to beg and plead, and cry, and probably be pissed as hell after that doesnt' work. She'll probably throw some nasty words your way, try to hurt you. Don't sink to that level. Stand firm, maintain your dignity at all costs. And realize that she'll probably turn into someone you never thought she could be, in the blink of an eye. It seems to me that as soon as the person realizes your serious, and nothing they do will change your mind, then they become vicious and vindictive. Just keep your head, and keep your cool. You'll respect yourself a lot more for it. Don't suggest the two of you can be friends. Don't give her hope that you'll change your mind later. Don't do it in public (unless you think she's going to be psycho), Don't do it over email or phone. Do it in person. Good luck. excellent advice.
Evanescence Posted May 27, 2006 Posted May 27, 2006 My boyfriend of 5.5 years broke up with me 2 years ago. Although he started off the speech with "Chel, you know I love you right?", later on a few days later when I said "I love you" while we were talking about the break up (I needed an explaination, long story) he was silent.... it crushed me...but you know what, if you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Don't lie to her anymore because the longer you let it draw on, the worse it will get. Also, I'd like to note that around 3-4 months is the period where the "newly dating" phase ends and you TRULY become a couple... you begin to see all the things you hate about a person, mostly because the comfort level sets in and they begin to show their true self. I had this with the guy I dated right after my big break up. I jumped in because I thought I was ready, and 3 months later I realized that it wasn't going to work out. Stupid me let it go on for 5 months before I finally broke it clean. Don't do that to yourself. During those 5 months I was so stressed out and depressed, a lot worse than I would have been if I would have cut it clean 4 months into the relationship. I am not a person to cheat, but since in my mind we were no longer dating (although I couldn't bring myself to tell him) I came pretty darn close a few times, and my bf found out - which I'm sure hurt him even more. End point - break up with her. It has only been 4 months... you'll realize in the future that 4 months is NOTHING (sorry, but it is). I'm back with my ex now (the one from 5.5 years, and not that I recommend that to anyone - everyone's story is different) and if we had not been broken up for that year, it would be 8 years this October. When you get into a "true" serious relationship (not necessarily one that is 7 yrs) you'll look back and probably laugh at how insignificant a lot of these other relationships have been. Good luck!
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